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Talk to him about masturbation

Masturbation is a huge part of our sexuality. We all masturbate and taking matters into our own hands is nothing to be ashamed of. The problems come when masturbation causes conflict in the relationship. Problems occur when the masturbation of one partner gets in the way of the sexual or emotional needs of the other. Some feel that masturbation is a healthy part of a relationship and others feel that masturbation is cheating.

Male sex hormones are very different and cause different reactions and behavior. By its very design, the male orgasm causes men to shut down and become distant so limiting orgasms makes sense for relationships where emotional distance is a problem. For most men, masturbation is a daily habit that increases the amount of emotional distance on a daily basis. If this sounds like your guy, consider some corrective discussions to bring communication and closeness back to your relationship.

For us, orgasm doesn’t have the same impact and really doesn’t have negative emotional consequences. If you go on a vibrator binge, there is some desensitization that can occur for your clit. If you are used to clitoral orgasms from your hitachi power wand, you may not be able to orgasm as easily from clitoral stimulation during sex.

Before you commit to having sex, ask him when he last masturbated!

As with every part of your relationship, communication is key to success. Why shouldn’t masturbation be discussed? When masturbation is hidden, it causes confusion and resentment. Before you commit to having sex, ask him when he last masturbated and gauge your sexual response accordingly. Below are some recommendations to help keep his sexual interest and give him the tools to minimize his masturbation habits. Rather than complaining that your husband masturbates too much, have a conversation with him about his masturbation and the impact on your relationship.

Imagine if you are laying down in bed and expecting to have sex and you remember to ask him when he last masturbated. He sheepishly responds and tells you that he masturbated earlier that day. You recognize that his sexual hunger is mostly satiated and acknowledge that he will have very little sexual energy left for you. We’ve all experienced that half-hard guy who keeps slipping out and it certainly isn’t my idea of the perfect sexual experience.

Rather than react with anger or disappointment, make it a game for him. Since his sexual needs have already been met, have him sit beside you while you masturbate. Perhaps you can bring a chair into the bedroom and ask him to sit across from you and watch you pleasure yourself. Watching you orgasm will spur many of those hormones that will help build that connection. He may not be permitted to have an orgasm but he will certainly be permitted to enjoy watching you have yours.

What if he responds and tells you that he had an orgasm the previous day or maybe a few days prior? You need to figure out how frequently your guy should be permitted an orgasm and work with him to keep that schedule. It may seem strange to schedule orgasms but it truly is necessary. If left to his own devices, he will ejaculate every day. For many men, masturbation is as routine as brushing his teeth or showering. A orgasm schedule will ensure that neither of you give up stimulating conversation and lasting closeness that keeps the spark alive.

What if he just masturbated that day and you still want to have sex? That’s a bit more difficult but with practice it doesn’t need to be a problem. Men do not need to ejaculate every time they have sex. You read that correctly. Just because you engaged in sex and have been thrusting away for twenty minutes, he doesn’t absolutely need to get off. Separating orgasm from sex is important and “blue balls” aren’t a real thing. Until he is accustomed to having sex without release, he will experience some slight discomfort as his body expects sexual release. Once his body understands that sex and orgasm aren’t always linked, he will have a few moments of frustration before moving on.

I’ve been told that this can seem mean or controlling, why not just allow orgasms whenever he wants? The answer is easy. You want to have the best man that you can possibly have. You want him to be the guy that he was when you were dating and you simply aren’t going to get that with a guy who is orgasming all the time. If this is presented to him as a way to improve the quality of your partnership then it seems far more selfless than selfish.

For some relationships, this sexual rationing is a challenge and for others it is simply not a big deal. Don’t allow it to cause conflict in your marriage or relationship, this is about creating closeness. If your guy is one of the many that has a harder time limiting his orgasms and masturbation, there is hope. Most guys have been masturbating on a daily basis since their teens and changing that behavior is going to be difficult if not impossible without help. Chastity cages. This is where I risk losing you but stay with me here. A properly fitted cage is an easy way to help control his habit and retain the closeness that you deserve together.

In our relationship we do use the cage from time to time because my Kevin doesn’t have a tremendous amount of willpower especially toward the end of his week or when we are apart or when he is working from home. Regardless of whether he is caged or not, we are aligned in wanting the best relationship that we can possibly have. Kevin knows to ask for my loving help if he is worried that he may not beto keep his idle hands away from himself. The cage isn’t a punishment in our relationship, it is simply a tool to help us both achieve the best relationship that we can get.

In our relationship, we do quite a bit of pegging. While pegging isn’t for everyone, it is a great way to feel that closeness and increase intimacy in your relationship. Pegging doesn’t typically result in release for him and that can be a way to help him disassociate sex from orgasm. I’ve written a great deal about pegging in the modern relationship which you can read here.

So what about orgasms? For us, male orgasms happen once a week. He knows that every Sunday he will be having an orgasm. If we are having relationship or communication problems that week, we may skip a week here and there but for the most part we are able to experience that intimate moment together once a week.

12 thoughts on “Talk to him about masturbation

  1. Emma,
    Thanks so much for putting all this info out there and sharing your experiences. I generally lurk and don’t comment but your site is different and felt it’s only fair to contribute something myself as I have gained quite a lot from here.
    My wife and I have been playing with chastity on and off for a few years now, mostly as a short term kink. I brought it up and I go through periods where I want it, then periods where I don’t. My wife has not quite yet taken complete control, but we are working toward that and she definitely likes having me locked.
    After having read through your blogs, and a couple other resources that weren’t just crazy kink stuff, I’ve come to realize I have really been somewhat selfish. The times I wanted a break from the chastity cage was largely because I wanted to get myself off every few days. When I did this I most definitely felt low afterwards. By low I mean actually guilty for a short while but not guilty enough to stop at least for a while until after a month or two, the kink built again and I was ready to play at chastity for a while. At the time, I wasn’t thinking about what that was doing to our relationship.
    I have a new perspective now, and because of it, I don’t feel the desire to stop with the chastity device. Sure there are moments when I’d really like it off in the heat of passion, but I like the heightened feelings I am having. I really feel it has helped our relationship, we ARE closer in so many ways. We’ve been together 25+ years and I feel we are at one of the best places we’ve been in a long time, and we’ve always had a good relationship.

    A couple of things I would tell anyone learning about all this… take it slow, talk to each other a lot, be patient at first. Look for real resources, like this blog, I’ve only come across a few, most of what’s out there is kinky fetish stuff which doesn’t deliver the message or better yet, explain the physiology and psychology that finally made me glimpse the light.
    Thanks again!

    1. Wonderful comment. Thanks for contributing.
      I do think that your advice about being patient and separating kink from valuable information is a good idea. That is the main reason that I started the site!

      That said, we still ended up going down a bit of a kink rabbit hole initially but I feel like we’ve come back out the other side and realized exactly what works for us. Equally as valuable we’ve decided what doesn’t work for us.

      Check in every so often and tell us about your journey!

  2. I just wanted to share my own experience. Unlike what is recommended in this blog, or like a lot of guys I see commenting I don’t have a set release schedule.
    My wife and I have very different work schedules. Often one or both of us is to tired or just not home when the other wants sex. This lead to me masterbating excessively. More then once at a time we should have been able to be together I couldn’t perform because I had been masterbating at least once a day for the past 7-10 days.
    This caused her to be concerned about a lot of different things when it happened three or four times in a row over a couple months. Was I sick? Cheating? Was I not attracted to her? I’m ashamed o made her feel this way. When I finally came clean about my habit it was a shock and relief to both of us. We talked about it, more then once, we talked about my fantasy of chastity. With that discussion ot lead us to try it.
    Now I can have sex with her whe. Ever I want and she is willing. Rarely does she actually deny me because of how infrequent that we are both home together and in the mood. Chastity or not 14 hour days takes the desire out if you. But because of the variations in our work sometimes we go at it twice a day three days in a row, other times it’s twice a month. The important thing is I’m ready fo her.
    It’s an incredible gift she has given me. The ability to be with her, and inside of her without the shame of disappointing her.

  3. Emma, interesting, fascinating, illuminating. Yes! it is understanding the difference between male and female sexuality that is missing from most relationships. After centuries of oppressing women and female sexuality, we have a lot to learn and teach each other. Society and relationships may be very different after we begin to understand.

    1. Thank you. I am still very much learning about my sexuality and the sexuality of my partner but it seems to be so much deeper than society has led us to believe. Such an exciting topic to learn about. Welcome to the blog.

  4. Emma,
    Like so many others here I have a resource now to express my feelings. I too started to play with chastity as a kink but found myself wanting a deeper immersion into it. I masturbated behind my wifes back and always felt immense guilt but couldn’t put works as to why. I also couldn’t stop doing it. Your blog has helped my wife and I in a matter of days realize I need to have my ejaculation controlled and how much better we both are for it. I now view my chastity as a lifestyle rather than a kink. Thank you.

  5. Emma do you think it’s better when woman is in charge of semen retention. Men have difficulty to control their ejaculation and needs. How much your relationship improved since you are in charge of Kevin’s orgasm.What are the benefits when strong willed,intelligent woman is in charge of her relationship. Women merit to be loved, respected,appreciated,cherished and honoured.
    Thanks,looking for new posts.

  6. i think a lot of couples have a hard time discussing masturbation, if they do it and when is ok and when is not. It is the white elephant in the room so to speak. I like what you said, “For most men, masturbation is a daily habit that increases the amount of emotional distance on a daily basis.”

    I think when younger, males masturbate a lot, I mean it does feel good and you get that dopamine rush, but afterwards, you are kind of down for a while. After marriage, they want to continue that dopamine rush and relaxed feeling afterwards and expect their spouse to provide that for them. Unless they are really horny (some wives are, but most not as much as men), they turn down their husband or feel used by being their husband’s orgasm machine. They are replacing his hand with their vagina.

    If the male would slow down, take pressure off his wife and learn he doesn’t need to ejaculate so often, their marriage can be better, wife happier etc. The only way to do this is to be chaste, it can be done with or without a device, but basically, the male needs to give up masturbating unless his spouse says it ok or have sex with them.

    We first tried chastity 5 years ago. I am not locked 100% of the time, but stay chaste even when I am not. I can say I feel more relaxed and the desire to masturbate is reduced significantly when I am locked. It took a while for my wife to get used to it, she didn’t jump right on, but after a while, she did see the advantages. She is also enjoying the added attention she receives as well as her pleasure without reciprocation. For the time we have been doing this I can say chastity has made our marriage and sex life better. I do more around the house, we touch more and are playful with each other.

    She says she likes me giving her attention when I am locked up and she knows it is not going to lead to sex. When I am locked, I do not ask for sex or to be let out except for cleaning. I actually find that relaxing.

    I know women masturbate too, but I don’t think they have quite the same chemical cycles in their brain as men. I think they can orgasm and still be attentive to their spouse, men loose the desire almost completely after orgasm.

    I think most married women would be thrilled with male chastity if they gave it a try and saw it as being loving and caring and not as cruel.

  7. What a well written blog post Emma.

    While both of us are firmly committed to equality for all genders, I have to agree that some men require this level of control to change their masturbation habbits and that I am definitely one of them.

    Orgasm has a negative effect on me. I only realised that after we started with the week long lock ups. Prior to my lockups we were having sex once or twice a month (based on her needs) and I was masturbating daily (based on my needs).

    She knew about my habbits and was fairly comfortable with it. In fact (because we live in a small 1 bedroom flat), I had almost always done it in her presence because she won’t be in the mood but I would want it (she would sometimes “help” so that it won’t become awkward). She never thought of that as a problem because that’s how men are, right? And I too came to see that as my natural right (which it still is).

    But for us, control on my masturbation has been a total game changer. Post orgasm I disconnect for a while. That’s how biology designed me. But I am not in the wild, am I? Now, we are having sex every week and it is more satisfying. Her apetite is also up because previously sex was not working that well for her (and why would it if I had masturbated only a day ago?). I still disconnect after having sex but quickly bounce back in a couple of days. And during the week (esp. after day 2), I feel more in charge of my emotions as my hormone levels stablise.

    Prior to this, I thought only women could experience that range of emotions. Wrong again! Men can feel it too if they do not reset their testosterone levels twice a day. And testosterone levels level out so you are not going to be a raging elephant bull if you don’t climax. That’s just not how hormones work.

    I highly recommend controlling masturbation through either retention (if you have wizard levels of self control) or by giving up the keys to someone else (if you are a mere mortal like me).

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