This may seem like very conventional logic but what happens when they do? If she has a penis, is she really a he? Is he really a she? I am a complete amateur to the transgender and gender studies world so if you are easily triggered by ignorance with regard to this topic you may want to skip this one. For those that decide to trudge through it, my apologies in advance.
Born a Woman
When you are born, you either have a penis or you don’t. Nature assigns you a gender based upon the bits or lack of bits that are present when you enter the world. The doctor that helps you into the world assigns you into two classes of humans penis havers and penis not havers. If you are a haver, you are a man. If you are a not haver, you are a woman.
Genders
Depending on the hormone levels during the time that your body is developing, your body pushes you in one way or another based upon the makeup of your DNA and the most likely gender that you will identify with. We all know that everyone is different and I believe that the our bodies make a genuine effort to push us in the direction that our genetic makeup is most suited. Sometimes mother nature is wrong but most of the time mother nature seems to hit the nail on the head.
Sexuality
As I see it, there are five categories of people.
- People that identify as a woman and are sexually attracted to men.
- People that identify as a man and are sexually attracted to women.
- People that identify as a woman and are sexually attracted to women.
- People that identify as a man and are sexually attracted to men.
Do I think that it is possible to be one of these exclusively? Yes. Do I think it is possible to be a blend of several of these? Yes. Do I think it is even possible to be all four of these things? Yes. Where do I sit on the scale? Personally I am a one with some tendencies of a three. Does that matter? Do I matter more or less based upon the genetic lottery ticket that I was drawn for me? Not one bit.
The ClitPenis
The penis and the clitoris begin as the same thing. The hormones our bodies are exposed to push the organ to become either a clit or a penis. It is either a little hill of pleasure that protrudes from the top of the female genitalia or a slightly bigger hill of pleasure which forms the tip of boy part.
The female clit is an internal organ while the male penis is an external organ but otherwise they are quite similar.
Erections
The clit extends inside the body typically about 8 inches and the penis extends outside the body with a typical length of about 5.5 inches. It is important to note that the visible section of the clit is known by the same name as the tip of the penis, the glans. The clit, when sexually stimulated becomes erect just like it’s male counterpart. Based on this, I would say that the clit is the equivalent organ to the male penis and not the vagina.
Arousal
How do male erections feel? I don’t have a penis of my own but I surveyed Kevin and he described it as uncomfortable with a sense of hyper awareness of that region. Some erections are accompanied by a massively urgent sex drive and others are accompanied by very little drive. The nuisance boners such as morning wood remind him that the penis is there but don’t always require that he do something about it. Arousal erections on the other hand are accompanied by a sense that the penis is the driving force which must be satiated or consciously ignored.
From my end, I thought arousal would be easier to explain but it doesn’t seem to be. Arousal for me is simply a warmness accompanied by swelling, wetness and a mild throbbing from my clit. Sometimes this is accompanied by erect nipples with a slight ache in the breasts but not all of the time.
Blue Balls
When sexual arousal begins and is sustained but is not accompanied by an orgasm men complain of blue balls. The truth is that females also experience an equivalent of blue balls called vasoconstriction which is the constriction of blood vessels just like an unresolved penile erection. For both genders, the longer the body is aroused, the more uncomfortable the blue balls period will be. Neither gender wants to be aroused and then feel that arousal subside. The culmination of arousal with orgasm allows the body to relax with a dramatic hormonal hit to the system.
So What?
I’ve been carrying on about the biological similarities of the genital and sexual response for two reasons. The first such reason is to show you how similar we are and the second is to show how different we are. From the similarities, we learn how very human we all are. We are so similar in fact that both genders are considered to be human.
Brains
The female brain is wired to play with pink dolls and the male brain is wired to play with tanks and cars and blow things up. I fall back to the nature/nurture argument here. I don’t actually think we are wired to play with a certain type of toy or prefer pink things instead of blue things. I know I never felt that way. My mom actually pushed me to dress like a girl, act like a girl and play with girls instead of boys. Growing up I never really identified with girls, I wanted to ride go karts and play video games. When given the opportunity to play with a doll or a gi joe, I would usually pick both with compelling and imaginative stories that involved both of them. Male brains and female brains are the same and our cultures push us into playing with toys that are intended to prepare us for a future of child rearing, going to war, wearing dresses, going to work. Toys fuel our imagination about the futures of our lives.
Penis Size
Men with large penises are typically cocky and arrogant. Men with small penises are typically more shy and reserved. It isn’t always so but I’ve found it to be the case and science has too. Since large penis size translates to higher levels of testosterone and overall body confidence the term BDE has been coined to define that “Big Dick Energy”. It is important to note that males and females can both exert a BDE which is not representative of their genital size but their overall body confidence.
Does this mean that men with smaller penises are less of a man than their big dicked counterparts? Absolutely not. We are all given a genital at birth and we have no control over the size, shape and function of that genital. His sexuality, sexual performance and sexual identity in general do not dictate what type of a person he is. Is a woman with a small vagina or a man with a small penis lesser than their BDE counterparts in the relationship value scale? Absolutely not. Sex is incredibly important to a relationship but there are so many aspects of sexuality that the mechanics of it all matter very little.
A square peg with a round hole can be compatible. A small peg and a big hole can be compatible, Two pegs can be compatible. Two holes can be compatible. None of it really matters. We love who we love because of what makes them up as a person and not the genitals that they were blessed with.
Gender is a social construct, man.
So who cares? Why do we put so much importance on the Mr or Ms aspect of who we are as people? Why is it so important for our culture to put us into two different buckets? Why do we need to align ourselves with another group of people that shares the same reproductive organs? My final thought on this matter is that our bodies are gendered but there is no reason for it to bleed into careers, social relationships, credit card applications.
I understand the gender question is used to market to males and females differently based upon their assigned gender but I think that is flawed. Gender is important. I am proud to be a woman but if I was a man I would be proud to be that, too. I am proud of my boobs but if I was a man, I would be proud of my penis as well. At the end of the day, be proud of who you are and be happy with the person that you’ve cultivated yourself into. If you don’t feel like you can feel comfortable in your own skin, make a change that represents who you want to be. None of this matters when we die so be good to others and live the best life that you can.
Excellent story Emma. You’re absolutely right. The pressures we feel in life and in society are learned based on societal norms that we marinate in while we are too young to know the difference. When we become adults, hopefully we have been blessed to have been raised by the kind of people the kind of awareness and confidence that will allow us to see things for what they actually, and find joy and pleasure in those things.
There is hope and things are evolving in a positive direction when it comes to acceptance of people’s gender, sexual identity and preferred sexual behavior. The latent “want” people have inside them but are skittish to openly reveal comes to the surface every so often in a meaningful and societally acceptable when things like an otherwise mainstream world is giving a movie like 50 Shades of Grey for example. When those books and subsequent movie came out, all of a sudden it was more acceptable to talk about Dominance and submission in the open, whereas before that phenomenon, people wouldn’t openly talk about for fear of being perceived as kinky freak.
Thank you for the story. It was wonderful.
P.S. as far as blue balls go, this may sound odd and perhaps even not believable, but as a result of being chaste with only rare opportunities to ejaculate, blue balls have become something of a pleasurable sensation for me in that my aching balls is a constant reminder of my submission to the love of my life, virtual keyholder, Mistress and owner. She will often ask me if my balls are achy and when I reply yes, it always puts a smile on her face … and then a smile appears on mine.
Thanks for the article Emma.
I completely agree with you on the fact that society, from our youngest age, has an important part to play in the beings we become as we grow up.
Personally, I was raised surrounded by older brothers and I learned early on to play with Barbies and other babies as well as football (soccer) and video games (I understand you play X-box. I’m more of a Playstation girl… will that make us enemies for life ?)
I don’t know if the expression exists in English, but in France, I was what they call a “tomboy” (what a heavy word !). Just the fact that this word exists is for me an anomaly because it implies that it is abnormal for a girl to enjoy activities that society considers masculine (Football is in any case seen as a masculine activity in France, which does not seem to be the case in the United States). After 10 years of football, I can confirm that no penis has grown between my legs.
So let’s be clear, what is the difference between a man and a woman? A single chromosome.
All this to say that sometimes you have to break down the barriers and not restrict yourself. No activity should be restricted to one sex only.
We might have a serious battle on our hands, I have been a PC gamer since the 90s. (CoD warzone is free and cross platform I will throw down)
On topic now, gender is something that I had looked into some over the last year. For my part I definitely played with both “girl” and “boy” toys. I have an older sister so sometime tea parties were mandatory attendance lol. But I would also play with my g.i. Joe’s and her barbies too. Even now with our young son he rotates between tea parties and rainbow unicorns, and playing dinos or army guys. There really is no set way to do it, and all play is good and should be encouraged.
Most of my own freedom to explore how I felt about gender norms was heavily retarded by private religious schooling (I feel like Emma did a blog about the topic). They didn’t usually allow conversation to start on the topic when I was in elementary and high school. It took years after I abandoned organized religion for me to start to question things. Recently it has smacked me in the face as my wife and I have totally switched family roles. I went from being the bread winner to being a 1950s housewife in a matter of weeks. It forced to look at whether or not I had failed as what I had predefined as being a “man”. It was a long depressing self arguement that circled around to why does it matter who does what as long as we are both happy. Being able to accept that life roles only matter when we make them made it logical to care forward with all gender roles. My wife and I enjoy role reversal in and out of the bedroom, sometimes it’s nice to share intimate “female” experiences with the woman I love. We will paint each other’s nails, or a full pedicure. Other times she has her strap on ready it there are no question about who the “wife” is tonight. It’s all fun and it brings us closer together.
Game on! I don’t really prefer the xbox but its what we have. I actually like Andrew’s Wii. We’ve been playing that one more than xbox for the last few weeks.
This blog about genders made me think about pegging and how much I enjoy taking the typically male role for sex. I just posted a new blog about pegging. Genders are dumb, we should just be allowed to be ourselves. Enjoy <3
Victor,
I appreciate the breadth of your post here, running from your childhood to that of your children’s and from your public/professional persona to your intimate life. Happiness results both from having the plasticity to adapt to change and with it the intellect and insight to construct and adjust one’s narrative And to do this despite unexpected changes or societally non-normative exigencies (I just made up that mouthful of words, but I’m thinking about the socially conservative parents confronted with gay, lesbian or non-binary children etc, men choosing to wear panties or cages and woman donning penises for certain occasions). I can think of two couples in my urban/suburban community ( one long term acquaintances and another are friends ) where the man either had no career or no more than a fig leaf of one. Both were house-husbands managing play dates, school, cooking etc, and while it is no doubt more complicated than I know, one marriage ended badly with a winner take all divorce and the other, while enduring, produces a level of wifely criticism of the house-husband that can be excruciating to witness and occurs against what appears to be an impeccably run household.
My point is that we labor under the received expectations of who we should be, and must span the gaps that open up between that person, and the one that we are as well as the one that aspire to be. All hard work and when done well It is quite impressive. I see this community that has gathered around Emma’s blog as one in which among other things many inspiring personal success stories are revealed.
Cheers,
JD
Thank you jd,
There was a pretty harsh breaking in period to get a hold of. It is much easier to be a focused house husband when kept under lock and key I will say that. I am far more efficient with time and often have an excess of energy to get them done. Before that it was much harder to stay in a good rhythm for long.
The support structure for stay at home dads is often much weaker outside of immediate family. That is the killer, it can be much more isolated and requires good communication with your spouse for sure. Without her support I would not feel comfortable with my role, much less openly discussing it.
Vikter I’d love for you to write a blog about stay at home dads. House husbands. Whatever you want to call your role. I think it could be really interesting. What do you say? You can either write the whole thing from scratch or I can send you some questions and you can answer them. I’ll build the blog from there or maybe just keep the Q&A format.
Thank you Emma, I would be happy to help. It would be easier to answer questions which I can expand on. Some answers might be couple of sentences other could be a couple paragraphs, I can get carried a way sometimes. Either way you will need a red marker, my grammar and speiling are quite bhad. Feel free to send any and all questions you have.
Questions sent! Check your email or spam.
Your answers are great and the blog will be posted tomorrow morning. Very minor edits. Thanks again!
It is interesting the part that organised religion has played in the gender issue. I too was brought up in religious schools and there was very little tolerance of any deviation from their ‘norms’,
It was very much that women were the home makers and men the bread winners. It was also that sex was only meant for procreation and any suggestion that it might actually be enjoyable was firmly put down as being the words of harlots and whores.
I remember being told not to wear patent leather shoes with a skirt or dress as boys would only try to see the reflection of your knickers up your skirt. I was also told that if you sat on a boys lap them make sure there were at least two books between you.
Homosexuality was abhorrent and would send you to hell and cross dressing or anything else was the sign of a deranged mind.
It was also implied that the man of the house ‘knew best’ and that the woman should know all about child rearing and keeping a good household,. Interestingly however they wanted us girls to do well in our education, but the inference was that it would be useful to attract a good husband and when bringing up the children.
So the one girl I knew at school who was gay had to keep it very quiet. I always felt sorry for her as she was constantly having to watch what she said or did. We had a small fling for a while but I’m ashamed that I stopped it due to the fear of being found out and the problems that would have caused.
Thank goodness that, in the UK at least, we have moved on for the most part and people can be openly gay, bi sexual or trans gender.
But interestingly not domme or sub, use chastity or be in a FLR – still trying to work that one out!
At my wife school and my sister’s (both private religious all girls academies) the nuns and teachers kept a watch list of potentially homosexual girls. It was not just non acceptance, it was actively hunted and discouraged. I am glad that times have started to change, but it is slow going for sure.
Thank You for the post. As you, I’m amateur and apologize in advance.
As a naturally submissive boy, i had issues aligning to the typical boy role. i liked sports, so even though i had a tiny frame i was seen as a “good boy”. But as soon as i gained conscience, i always chose to align with women, so my real friends were women while i still played games with the boys. My friendships with women got so deep that i inevitably had a girlfriend. i enjoyed being physical with her, but then i was exposed to a gay man and the switch ‘flipped’. After some time and more female friendships i came back to women. Porn frequently changed my inclinations to the point of being infatuated by trans women. i met many, but as infatuated as i was i realized the connection wasn’t the same as with cis-women, not better or less but different.
i also considered becoming trans given my inclination to the feminine, but it somehow felt artificial on me. i never was unhappy so i’m just happy with what i have.
Changing subjects, re:blue balls i’ve been in chastity for 9 months without release and i do experience some discomfort but really not much. Re:erections i’m not caged so i have nights where i feel i’m hard all night, but no sex drive. During the day, given the null expectation for sex, the drive is there but i’ve found that if it’s really bad a calming hug takes care of it; the only side effect is that when i feel the drive i have more energy and tend to stay awake too long or wake-up in the middle of the night.
Great posts! Thank YOU!
As a woman who was assigned a male gender at birth, I found the title triggering to me and I started reading and expected to hate it and shitpost in the comments but I loved it and you have added a reader thank you for the open minded and thought provoking content on this blog.
Sorry about that! I am glad you read the blog rather than judging it by the headline. From your perspective, did you find it offensive to the point that it should be changed or do you think I can leave it as is. I’m looking to be edgy but not offensive!
Its fine I read more than just the headline and saw what you were saying.
Dear Emma,
Are you at all familiar with the phenomenon of infants born with “ambiguous genitalia”? What are your thoughts on this?
Somewhat familiar. The doctor basically selects the genetalia that is most prominent and “selects” the gender of the child based upon the most prominent genitalia. I don’t have many thoughts on that but I just googled it and find it fascinating because you can see how the male and female organs form from each other.