In my relationship, male chastity is a godsend and I preach the benefits from the highest mountaintop. We use it as a tool to keep our relationship exciting, fun, intimate and loving. There is no rule book for chastity and we’ve had some trials and tribulations as Kevin and I have walked this road together. It is key that we walk this road together. Outwardly it may seem like chastity is about locking your guy and removing sexual energy from your relationship, it is quite the opposite.
The goal is to keep the sexual frustration high and the level of resentment low. It may seem like the more sexually frustrated he is, the more resentful he will be but they actually have an inverse relationship. I’ll go through a couple scenarios with you so we can figure this all out together.
Scenario 1: Lock it and leave it
In this scenario, the woman locks the man and does nothing for the lockup period. No teasing, simply ignores that the man’s penis is locked and goes about her day. You would think this fella would be incredibly sexually frustrated but after a few days the opposite actually starts to happen. His level of resentment will increase as she ignores him. As his level of resentment increases, his desire to direct his sexual energy at his partner decreases and he may become more distant and alone. Mild transgressions are met with reminders of being locked up. In this scenario, lockup is clearly regarded by both partners as a punishment.
Scenario 2: I’m Not That Into It
In this scenario, the woman locks the man and does some mild teasing when he is locked along with some verbal and possibly light physical teasing. For this scenario, she may just not be into it. She may see some benefits during this time and will likely see a hot & cold man. The man will be conflicted between resentment which invokes a pull-away response and sexual frustration which results in a desire to perform acts of service.
Scenario 3: Chastity Symbiosis
For this scenario, the woman locks the man and accompanies with frequent teasing. Punishment for mild transgressions is more touching and teasing but extension of lockup period. Discussions are calm and reassuring but firm. Punishments are based on heightening arousal and bringing resentment levels down. For example: “You didn’t take the trash out tonight so I want you to sit on your hands beside me and watch me masturbate. This could have been you tonight but you made poor decisions.” You can do some touching but stop and say “That’s all you get for tonight, it would have been more but you forgot a few chores today.”
In this scenario, you continually acknowledge that he is locked by doing things to keep his sexual frustration levels high. The sexual frustration will keep his attention focused directly on you.
When resentment levels are high, he may pull away and become despondent and depressed. When resentment levels are replaced by heightened sexual frustration, he will be more likely to want to right his wrongs and be in service to you.
If you find yourself in scenario 2 as many of us do from time to time, remember your motivation and come up with one or two ways to boost his sexual frustration. Need some ideas? Check out the following blogs for some great ways to tease your guy.
For more reading on the subject of reducing resentment and increasing sexual frustration, check out The Dark Side of Chastity. In that blog, we explore the concepts we are discussing here in more detail. The darkest side of locking your guy isn’t the latest black vinyl clad BDSM fetish, it is the potential for resentment and the creation of a rift between the two of you.
Let’s Talk About Feelings
When he is locked, you hold the key to more than just his little willy. You hold the key to his emotions. If you want him to be distant, grumpy and contemplative, ignore him completely. If you want him to be loving, caring and doting, give him teasing attention. While it may seem silly since we don’t really understand it, this is a big deal to him. He is handing you control of his most defining characteristic as a man.
It is important that you frequently reinforce that he is doing a good job even when he really isn’t. One pebble of positive/praising energy will result in a boulder of reciprocal energy from him. If he feels like you are proud of him for being locked, it will satiate his need to please you. On the flip side, if you criticize and belittle, he will almost certainly take that pebble of negative energy and turn it into a boulder. The little key comes with a great deal of responsibility and 99% of it is emotional.
So what are you waiting for?
Tease the ever-loving crap out of him and make him rue the day that he met you. If you are in scenario 1, consider some changes or take a break from locking him up until you can be a more active participant. Scenario 2 is a rut that I find myself falling into and many of you probably do as well. Make an intentional effort to tease in some way, every day. Once teasing becomes a habit, you will be at scenario 3 in no time. Torture the poor guy and he will love you for it.