This blog entry isn’t about me, it is paraphrased from a few different blogs that I’ve read. The content reflects things that I’ve heard from personal friends and from LOTS of women who have emailed me over the last year. Although I am not a wife nor a mother I’ll do my best to channel my inner housewife for my loving audience. Over the last month, my household has undergone some changes that make this conversation more relatable to my own life. Enjoy!
Many women admit that having an affair actually improved their marriage. Society tells us that the affair is the nail in the coffin of a relationship. Some point the finger at the cheating spouse and say that they wrecked the marriage. On the other hand, some have found an affair to actually strengthen their marriage.
Marriage is an Interesting Thing
When you marry someone, you are designating that one person to fulfill all of your emotional and physical needs. This is a huge task and a enormous ask for any one person. As a married couple, you are asked to confide in each other with your challenges and be a support blanket. At the same time, this person is meant to satisfy your sexual needs as well.
Putting it bluntly, dinnertime conversation for a married couple is boring and bland.
How was your day at work?
How was yours?
Did anything exciting happen?
Does this sound like you? If so, you aren’t alone. The couples that do everything together lose the bond of storytelling. At the very basis of society and civilization, storytelling is how you built the bond together in the first place. Remember when you were dating and would regale each other with stories of all the exciting times before the two of you met? Since you spend much of your time together now, all you have are second-hand regurgitated stories about the lives of your friends.
An Affair Can Awaken Passion
Sharing emotional or physical intimacy with a person other than your husband can be a healthy thing. Our bodies are wired to thrive on the newness of a relationship. When that newness is long gone, it is impossible to feel the passion that we felt when we first met our husband. Those feelings of intimacy need not be tied to one person.
A Better Mother
As humans, we become less critical and happier when our needs are met. Patience and laughter are the byproduct of a happier person. When children enjoy laughter and happiness, they thrive. We shift from scolding and negative reinforcement to praise and positive reinforcement. Is a shift like that possible without having an affair? Of course it is but it can sure be difficult to fake happiness. Imagine how easy it would be if you were truly happy. Another byproduct if a night away from the kids. If you are going out with a special someone, it goes without saying that your husband will be staying home with the kids. His time with the kids is an excellent time to bond with them. When you arrive home after the kids are in bed, the two of you can cuddle together and have guilt free conversations about whatever parts you feel like sharing; with a smile on your face.
Protecting the Marriage
Most women cite protecting the marriage as one of the most important things in their life. While their husband may not be their emotional confidant, or their only sexual partner, the bond they create is one of partnership. That partnership is more than the sum of its parts. A sexual relationship can never be a replacement for a marriage partnership. Marriage provides household safety and dependability, neither of which are especially “sexy” traits. As both partners grow to see their spouse as safe or dependable, passion dies. This is only natural since we’ve achieved what we sought after. We wanted a household partner and we found that in our husband. Once married, we long for what lit the fire of passion in our eyes and in our hearts. Even with the best of intentions, a married life can quickly become dull and deliberate.
Make Your Indiscretions Deliberate
So many times, women seek a replacement for a marriage rather than seeking a replacement for just the part that is missing. Your husband may be a wonderful emotional confidant and best friend but lackluster in the bedroom after all these years. Seek only to replace the part that is missing. Your husband may be too distracted with his busy job or social life to give you the attention that you need. Seek only what is missing and find a male friend that can provide time and un-rushed intimacy.
I Will Feel Guilty
Love should be exclusive but sex need not be. If you are capable of separating love from sex and you proceed with the blessing of your husband, there really isn’t anything to feel guilty about. If you are unable to separate love from sex then this is something that I can’t help with, you simply may not be cut out for this.
My recommendation is that you enter into the affair with the blessing of your husband. Share openly the areas where you have grown apart and where your lives do not permit you to fully meet each other’s needs. Understand that both partners deserve to have their needs met and work together to see that they are. The guilt in your heart should come from choosing to do nothing to change a relationship with your best friend and knowing that your needs are unmet.
Make sure that you create a set of rules that you are both comfortable with. These rules are your own so they can be as mild or wild as you want them to be. You can have a sexless relationship, a friend without benefits per se. On the flip side, you can have a sexual relationship only. No emotions, just lustfully steamy hotel encounters. Perhaps you are ok with companionship and oral sex but no penetration. The point is, make rules that you are both comfortable with and give it a shot. You can come back and revisit your rules anytime you want but start somewhere and focus on your happiness.
Rate Your Sex Life
It is important to separate your partner from sex. You may have the world’s best husband but the monotony of monogamy can make even sexiest of bedrooms mundane. You didn’t get married exclusively for the sex, you got married because you found your best friend and your soulmate. Sex together is simply icing on the cake that helps solidify the bond together.
Consider having an conversation about the quality of your sex life and rate it honestly on a scale of one to ten. It might be tough to hear that you are a one or two but can you imagine the resentment of holding that in? This will lead to some deeper conversations and some hurt feelings.
If the two of you work together, you can come up with ways to build excitement in the bedroom which spills over to the rest of your partnership.
Nobody can tell you if going outside of your relationship is wise or foolish but look outside the box as you make the decision. A marriage is the union of to individuals who truly want the best for each other. If the butterflies go away, it might be time to look at safe ways to try and bring them back. So many couples, women especially go through the motions. Over the years, the routine has drained every ounce of fun from sex and they’ve learned to loathe sex.
Neither of you is at fault for the situation. Choosing to point fingers or lay blame will only turn this into an argument or personal attack. There is no reason to assign blame since both of you are in a relationship and remain dedicated to each other through a challenge like this. Learn what you need to supplement your sex life with and go for it. Together you will come out stronger and more fulfilled; both emotionally and physically.
Love yourself and love your partner enough to live life and enjoy everything that it has to offer. Imagine the stories that you will have to tell and the things you will have to talk about. Be transparent with your feelings and know that you will always have your loving husband to count on. I feel that men get a bad rap. Every single man that I’ve met on this site has been very thoughtful and puts the needs of his wife ahead of his own, especially the sexual needs. Consider that you might just have one of the good guys and focus on being the best version of yourself. Do it for yourself and do it for him.