Gender Balance and Understanding: Using Pegging as a Tool

Within each of us there are two sides; the female side and the male side. A combination of different feminine and masculine parts to make you the person that you are. A gender balance or a yin yang of sorts. This is normal, this is just fine and neither side is superior to the other. At birth, we are assigned a set of genitals that pushes us to us with one side or the other. You have a penis so your male characteristics are dominant. You have a vagina so your female characteristics are dominant.

A woman is not merely a woman, a man is not merely a man we are both infinitely more complicated than that. Our definition of gender in a balanced human is far too simplistic.

A woman is not allowed to be strong, assertive, dominant intellectual, left brain type person. That is an abomination. Inversely a man is not allowed to be a right brain, loving, nurturing individual because he would be less of a man. To be healthy, we are both balanced humans.

As a woman, it can be difficult or not lady-like to assert ourselves. The gender bias in the workplace makes us bitchy or bossy while an assertive man is a considered a leader.

So how can we balance our gender energy? Society teaches us to ignore the qualities that aren’t reinforced by our genitals but that neglects a huge part of who we are.

As a woman, we can reject those gender roles by playing sports, do something competitive, play video games, weight lifting, learn a new skill and use that skill rather than hiring out for it. For example, I fixed my sink yesterday rather than calling a plumber or asking one of the boys to do it. Yess!

As a man, engage with your emotional side and volunteer your time, work with elders or the less fortunate, spend time connecting with children, do something artistic, redecorate a room, lean to play an instrument or compose music. Cuddle more, hug more, give massages, be more non-sexually physical when you can.

While none of the things above are one sided, they exercise things that are stereotypically gender based or push us to try something outside of the gender bias. Any of the above things are completely acceptable for either gender to do.

All of this is simply fuel to get you more connected with yin or yang side but how can you get more connected with your other side sexually? As a woman, I feel that distancing emotions from sex is a huge evolution for me. Remove guilt from hookups, remove love from sex, remove anxiety from the morning after. Allow yourself to be vulnerable. As women, sex is about becoming vulnerable for our partner. We “allow” our partner to penetrate our body. Flip the script on that and rather than saying “I let him fuck me” say “I fucked him”. It is truly liberating to make sex something that you did and not something that someone did to you. Trust me, it isn’t simply semantics.

As a man you can be more open to feeling positive emotions as part of sex. This can be difficult and often requires an open minded female to step away from the traditional “normal” of sex. Rather than wham bam thank you ma’am, focus on physical connection without penetration. Focus on spooning, feeling and even dry humping with little to no emphasis on ejaculation or orgasm. For men, ejaculatory orgasm is an emotional game ender so avoid it until you are fine with ending your experience together.

So what about pegging?

Pegging is an eye opening experience and one of the most sexually emotional experiences that a man can try. For a man, the act of pegging is about relaxing his body and accepting penetration. Think about it as a woman, if your body is tense then sex is incredibly uncomfortable. As a man, this must be learned through familiarity, trust and breathing relaxation. Sometimes I feel Kevin is tense and I run my fingers up and down his back to redirect his mind and allow him to focus on accepting my connection with him.

From the female perspective, pegging allows the masculine energy to be redirected outside the body and allows you to do sex to someone rather than have someone do sex to you. I find that a deep connection with my strap-on and harness is important and I know that sound stupid but allowing myself to feel like the strap-on is part of me helps me enjoy it more. Yes, this means wearing the harness around the house. Sometimes with the toy in and sometimes with no toy at all. This even means sleeping with the harness or toy. Hell, I am wearing my harness (minus the toy) at this very moment. Typically this happens after after an exhausting marathon of sexual exploration and we fondly call it passing out from exhaustion.

So what about communication. I can’t let you get this far into one of my blogs without lecturing you about communication. Alright, you asked for it. Pegging is the a tool to release communication and mental self exploration. While pegging itself doesn’t create communication, it fosters an environment where communication is acceptable. This may be communication with your partner or it may be communication with yourself. Communication for us is deep conversations about sexuality and feelings or it can be the confidence to ask for what we want sexually. We’ve been at the pegging game for some time now and while I wouldn’t go so far as calling ourselves pegging experts, we now crave it. Pegging is the primary type of intercourse that Kevin and I experience together and it is because of the deep emotional connection that it fosters. I was the first to find myself craving the dominant position of penetrating him. I would say things like, I’m going to be the boy tonight or I’ll be the one fucking you tonight. While it felt strange and funny at first, it quickly became quite normal for us. Fast forward nearly a year and Kevin started approaching me with requests like this. I think it is more difficult for a man to tell a woman that he wants to be pegged because let’s face it; pegging isn’t mainstream nor socially acceptable- yet. Once the action starts, encourage each other to be verbal. Rather than silence, imagine if he is asking you to fuck him, asking you to go slower, faster, long strokes, short strokes. All of the things you (hopefully) communicate to him while he is penetrating you. From your side, be verbal about your dominance and your intentions. Be verbal about your observations. I like to call Kev my little slut or compliment his sexy ass while he backs it up onto me. It’s no holds barred with the communication in our bedroom, sometimes we find something that we really like and sometimes things come off silly and we giggle together. Pegging is a way that we express our love together and we both enjoy the incredible connection that it affords.

If you are female and apprehensively thinking of “trying pegging out” because one of your friends suggested it, you read a blog in Cosmo about it, or your boyfriend begged you for it; whatever the reason. I say go for it but go all the way. Rather than tiptoeing in, try to make it an emotional experience and take it seriously. You might just enjoy it and learn something about yourself and your partner along the way. Force yourselves to set aside time to discuss the experience afterwards. How did it make you feel, how did it make him feel. Did either of you feel shame? Did either of you feel vulnerable? How about powerful, did you feel powerful? What about dominance, did you feel dominant? Dominated? How about sexy? Did either of you feel especially sexy?

So you were born with a certain set of genitals and society tells you to outwardly reflect those genitals with some traits to make you represent the gender deck that you were dealt. That’s fine, you should be proud of who you are but also understand that you are a sum of your parts and your parts aren’t defined by the gender that you were dealt. Try to consciously mute your masculinity or femininity for an hour or a day and see how you feel when you are free of those rules and expectations. You might just find yourself happier and you might gain a better understanding about who you are. Happy pegging internet friends!