What do you think of when you masturbate? Sometimes I fantasize about an elaborate romantic fantasy usually in black and white like an old movie. Sometimes I imagine an intimate encounter with someone I recognize, sometimes with a past lover and other times with a complete stranger. When I’m short on time or especially determined to get there, I’ll just focus on the pleasure and let my Hitachi Magic Wand take me away to another place. How about you?
According to this pair of articles on bustle.com it turns out that Men and Women have generally similar fantasies.
Top 5 Male Masturbation Fantasies
- A sexual situation involving their current partner.
- A sexual situation with a previous partner.
- Erotica seen online or via a mobile device.
- A sexual situation involving role play.
- A sexual situation involving BDSM.
Top 5 Female Masturbation Fantasies
- A sexual situation involving their current partner.
- A sexual situation with a previous partner.
- Erotica seen online or via a mobile device.
- A sexual situation involving BDSM.
- A sexual situation involving role play.
Number one seems incredibly healthy on both lists. Thinking about a sexual fantasy with your current partner. Absolutely! Think of the hottest time that you had sex or perhaps hotel sex during a vacation. I encourage you to share this with your partner! Share the details of your experience and the specific fantasy. Try and remember in the greatest amount of detail that you can. I keep thinking of the time that Kevin and I stayed in a local hotel and lounged around all day doing absolutely nothing. Nowhere to go, nothing to do. Just a simple getaway and opportunity to reconnect. All I can remember is both of us eating room service on the bed and the way his chest looked under the soft light of the sheer drapes.
How about number two, a sexual situation with a previous partner. Are you comfortable enough in your relationship to admit these fantasies to each other? Would you or your partner find this sexy or hurtful? If you find it hurtful, stop and analyze why it made you feel that way. Did you get jealous? Did her description of the previous partner make you feel insecure about yourself? Stop for a moment and focus on the specifics that made you feel uncomfortable. Would you consider sharing this experience in detail so your partner can enjoy the memory with you? Many couples feel a level of guilt when they find their mind drifting to a past partner but I suggest that you embrace it and share with each other. If the story causes feelings to come up, share those feelings and communicate together.
Let’s jump back to number three, PORN. I was surprised that porn wasn’t number one, especially on the male list since you guys are so visually motivated. Maybe it is sexist but when I think of men and their primarily visual stimulation it came as a surprise to see fantasy in the number one and two spots for the boys. So the rest of this blog is going to focus on visual stimulation and porn. Hooray for porn.
I don’t think that porn is inherently unhealthy. In fact, I think porn is exciting to make and exciting to watch together. What I do think is that porn makes our minds lazy and desensitizes us to our own fantasies. Within a two minute span you can go from something incredibly sensual and erotic to a midget gangbang orgy. While I don’t find either of those offensive (midgets deserve gangbang orgies too), it illustrates how quickly our fantasies can run away from us. In fact, a rabbit hole of porn addiction can push you into deeper fantasies and even create fetishes and fantasies based on our body’s very own reward system.
Do you find that you have difficulty reaching orgasm without watching porn? That might be because porn has the ability to short circuit your brain as an easier way to get the hormonal dopamine rush associated with arousal. It seems like a huge leap to go from our erotic fantasy to the midget scenario above, few of us would start at the more graphic option but many of us gravitate to that point as our minds require more intense and graphic stimulation to get the same dopamine release.
I went through a period of about a year when I was single and all of my masturbation was accompanied by porn. When I tried having sex with a partner during that time, I found sex to feel good but it didn’t give me the mental stimulation that I needed to get off. That is because I trained my brain to only orgasm when I was lying on my back with my legs spread wide, vibrator in my left hand and my phone in my right hand. If that wasn’t the exact scene, my mind wouldn’t unlock the big O for me. I was going through some things, I had a level of loneliness and I was using porn and masturbation as an escape. I was using porn as a stimuli instead of allowing myself to actually be present in the moment and feel the situation.
I orgasm from sex now and it comes quite naturally and relatively easily unless my mind is distracted. So how did I rewire my mind to unlock the big O during intimate experiences with other people? I did not decrease my masturbation frequency but I did set the porn down and start using my imagination to get by body aroused. This is infinitely harder since my body was conditioned to only release an orgasm under a certain set of circumstances. More than a few of my masturbation attempts were met with disappointment because my mind couldn’t muster up the erotic fantasies needed to get my body aroused.
This makes me sound like some sort of a hero that came up with a revolutionary idea but that isn’t the case. I got involved with the NoFap movement and read everything I could about this group. There is a forum and also a large community on reddit of people just like you and I who inadvertently rewire our brains to require porn for masturbation. Much of the insight that led me to male orgasm control came from this group. The group itself is almost completely male which was curious to me as well. Although I gravitated away to other places such as YogaGirl’s now defunct FLR101 blog, the roots of my interest in masturbation and orgasm modification came from the problems that I initially had along with the solution that I used to get things under control.
Although they are sometimes portrayed to be, masturbation and porn addiction are not inherently male problems. Females enjoy porn just as much as men although we tend to gravitate to different styles of porn. I personally like slower porn that is more erotic and sensual while the guys like porn that is faster and to the point. We do enjoy watching porn together or having it playing in the background during activities that we may partake in together as consenting adults. I particularly enjoy the sounds when they are realistic.
Isn’t masturbation bad, shouldn’t I just stop masturbating? If you stop masturbating, you simply pause stimulation and you don’t retrain your brain. If you have a dog that you tell to sit and give a treat each time she successfully sits then you are training your dog and providing a treat for each successful attempt. If you stop telling your dog to sit, she will eventually need your help to relearn the act of sitting. This isn’t to say that you will forget how to masturbate but it does mean that you will need to re-learn to masturbate and it will be more difficult for the first couple attempts. Of course masturbation will need to pause if you and your partner have made an agreement about masturbation or if you are locked up.
Cut to the chaste did a blog about excessive masturbation that you might find interesting as well. In the blog that I linked below, they go over the hormonal changes that occur when a man ejaculates and how chastity can help curb the masturbation cycle.
Porn is culprit to a large amount of male sexual dysfunctions as well. Have you ever been with a guy who has trouble getting an erection? Perhaps he cums too soon. How about a guy who doesn’t cum at all? All of these conditions can be caused or further complicated by excessive masturbation. If he can’t get hard, his body may have a conditioned reflex to porn. He might need a porn detox to help separate the porn from the orgasm. Same with the minute men who focus on orgasm and not whole body sensuality. Slowing down and cutting the porn will help them focus on the intimate experience and remove the focus from repetitive stimulation. How about those guys who can’t cum from sex at all? This sounds the most like my problem and the solution is the same. Stop conditioning your body to cum with porn and focus on pleasure and fantasies to get you over the edge. You can even help train him to ejaculate using positive reinforcement and pavlovian training techniques like my dog example.
So coming back to the beginning of this blog. The most common masturbation fantasies are sexual situations about current and former partners. Embrace those and share them openly with your partner be open participants in each other’s sexuality. When you masturbate, pick favorite fantasies that take you over the edge and use those to help free your mind from any grasps that porn may have on you. Don’t stop masturbating, be as varied in your positions and fantasies as possible so you can get off in different positions and using different emotional stimulation. I encourage you to use porn for arousal but shut it off when it comes time to rub one off or stroke one out.
Hi Emma … hope you and yours had a beautiful Christmas.
How can there be no comments here 3 days later? Sheesh.
This is a fascinating topic Emma. It’s been nearly 8 years since I’ve independently masturbated. Masturbation for me now is something that happens only in my wife’s presence, only with her permission, or simply because she wishes to be entertained. Trust me … I’m not complaining even a little.
Rarely, if ever am I allowed to orgasm, so, I can’t speak from recent experience, but I do remember that when I did independently (before our WLM) and I can honestly say that the overwhelming majority of my fantasies or sexy thoughts were about or included my Wife.
I will tell you though, your porn choice was hot!! Thanks for sharing. Perhaps we should start a Forum for links to videos you and members find hot? *grin
Glad you enjoyed! I absolutely fine with posting videos and pictures in any part of the forum where appropriate. If I don’t like them, I’ll just take them down and give you some sort of reason as to why I removed them.
I was also surprised by the lack of responses but the site seems to be much less busy over holiday weekends. I think everyone is just busy and this site isn’t the most appropriate when visiting with family.
I’m also surprised at the lack of comments on this topic. My fantasies tend to blend 1 and 5, with some influence for ideas from 3… So they almost always have my wife involved in some kind of BDSM activity, either the -ee or the -er, with ideas taken from recent erotic readings or written stories of my own. My fantasies when alone are almost always on the receiving end, or threat of, some kind of discipline, often for coming without permission. This usually involves being “forced” into lingerie and sometimes includes a self-spanking. She is aware of my desire (need?) for this, but although she tolerates my panties fetish (more on this later), she doesn’t enjoy spanking me herself (this is slowly changing though :)). So when she goes out she will tell me more or less how long she will be so I can indulge… I now avoid ejaculation when masturbating, but a few years ago I would often use porn to get to an orgasm. I agree with Emma on this being addictive, and am glad to be over that phase. Regarding what kind of porn, I prefer descriptions or images of real-life situations, usually through blogs (Strict Julie Spanks or, before it disappeared, Almost a Femdom Wife), or stories by authors like Case Wintermute or Rick Oh.
I agree that we need to engage our imaginations more and indulge in porn less. In general, staying away from porn and focusing on your partner is a best practice. I’ve also learned from experience that older men should limit orgasms, whether achieved through masturbation or with others. After an orgasm, at least for several days, I tend to be less interested in my spouse and certainly less motivated to go out of my way to please her. To the contrary, chastity has been a great help for me and my relationship.
Thank you, Emma, for your excellent blog and for sharing so much about yourself and your experiences with your readers!
“After an orgasm, at least for several days, I tend to be less interested in my spouse and certainly less motivated to go out of my way to please her. To the contrary, chastity has been a great help for me and my relationship.”
Sounds like a great testimonial for orgasm control and semen retention. I completely with your comment @James52
Totally agree. Welcome @James52
At this point in my life, after 30 years of marriage, my fantasies are centred almost exclusively on my wife. They almost always involve an element of BDSM too. I make use of femdom porn, but even then I generally project my wife into the scenario depicted.
Before our marriage became a wife led one, I often fantasized about other women, but WLM has made my wife central to my erotic obsessions. Shortly after my wife became the agreed HoH, she also started to act on my cuckold fantasies. Not only did she start having affairs, but she would cater to my taste for erotic humiliation by teasing me about the superior sexual endowments of her lovers.
I think my story could be seen as a cautionary tale insofar as I have lost the ability to have penetrative sex with my wife. No matter how turned on I get—and I get really turned on—I am no longer able to get an erection when we have sex. We still have lots of sex. It’s just that my cock isn’t involved anymore. I think my ED is psychological because I do get erections sometimes when I am alone. Maybe my inability to get hard when I am with her is the result of a kind of performance anxiety. She started teasing me about having a small cock and poor stamina because she knew I enjoy the humiliation, but now I really can’t perform that way at all. Sometimes I would like to, but I can’t. Maybe having been teased so much about my inability to satisfy her that way has undermined my self confidence to the point that I am afraid to try, so I get excited but not hard. Or maybe my subconscious mind sabotages my ability to get hard because I crave that humiliation that entails. Fortunately for me, my wife likes it this way.
My two favourite masturbation fantasies are being spanked by my wife under really embarrassing circumstances or imagining my wife having sex with another man. I am never allowed to witness that, so my imagination runs wild. Sometimes I masturbate to the fantasy of being one of my wife’s well endowed lovers, imaging the pleasure he must get from humiliating me by doing what I am unable to do for my wife.
I think my boyfriend suffers from this. He has some wonderfully healthy fantasies that he wants to enjoy together and has a tremendous amount of stamina but cannot cum from having sex. We’ve been together for about two years and it is a long distance relationship but we talk (text) every day. The times that we’ve met up the sex is AMAZING for me but he doesn’t get off and I can’t help but feel like we are missing something together. This makes total sense. We’ve talked about chastity which is one of his fantasies but it seems that your solution with all due respect cannot work with chastity. His orgasm is what ties the ejaculation to the fantasy. Unless I am mistaken, he would need to be unlocked and masturbate somewhat frequently for this to make any impact at all. This is a challenging problem and he has seen both a doctor and a psychiatrist about the issue so your solution may be an incredibly simple way to solve his problem. Thank you for the site! I read daily and I am constantly sending him your blogs to read and discuss with me. They have a fun and exciting way of keeping our conversations fresh and exciting despite the miles between the two of us.
My wife had a lover who had that problem. She says the sex was great for her because he was well endowed and had endless stamina due to his inability to cum during sex. My wife used to feel bad about being unable to make him cum while he would give her two or three orgasms. He told her not to feel bad about it because the sex was great for him, even though he would only cum when he masturbated to the memory of it afterwards. They also had a torrid email correspondence involving lots of simultaneous masturbation while they were going out. I could hardly believe an inability to ejaculate during sex was a real problem for some men when my wife told me about it, but I looked it up and saw that it was. I read that it is sometimes a side effect of certain medications, such as antidepressants.
If I had to make a guess about his masturbation habits, I’d say that the long distance relationship has led him to some unhealthy masturbation. I would suggest that you start with communication. Have a conversation about his masturbation. How frequently does he masturbate? Does he use his imagination or does he use pornography to excite himself and maintain his arousal until he finishes?
I agree that chastity and redirection of fantasies won’t work together since the chemical reinforcement requires the actual orgasm to occur. What do you think about asking him to masturbate regularly to a mental picture of you? Depending on his age you may want to ask him to masturbate as frequently as daily. After you get the ejaculation issue out of the way then you can go back to chastity. Limiting his porn intake would certainly help matters as well.
Here is a blog about ejaculation frequency that might help guide the frequency that you recommend. You should expect him to pull back emotionally (text you less) during this time, frequent ejaculations and emotional connections don’t really go hand in hand.
If you decide not to go to chastity after you get through this, make sure that you set expectations for his masturbation so things don’t get out of hand and patterns don’t develop.
I haven’t masturbated in about 7 months since we started with chastity. And I don’t miss it. We stick to PIV mostly these days which happens roughly once a week.
Back when I was masturbating, porn and made up people were on top on my list. Surprised to see that made up people are not in top 5 of either genders. Lemmings (my wife) rarely masturbates but she says she thinks about me whenever she does.
When you enjoy PIV together, are you permitted an orgasm? If so, have you tried removing your orgasm from sex some of the time? If not, what do you think about separating your orgasm from sex? Was it difficult for you? Do you see benefits?
I am completely against pornography. Porn has a bad effect on women and men. Fantasies are always better.