Relationships · Sexuality

Casual Sex While In a Relationship

I’ve learned many things over the last year but one of the most interesting is the tie between an emotional and a physical relationship. Why is casual sex while in a relationship so frowned upon? I am not saying that I want to go out and do bunches and bunches of casual sexing but I like to talk about things.

  • Pregnancy/STD
  • Hurt feelings
  • What others think
  • Threat to the relationship

When we hear about someone cheating, it is framed in such a way that we are led to believe that they are a bad person or did it to hurt their partner. This is rarely the reason although some partners use infidelity as revenge or tit for tat. I personally don’t see the purpose in this and would highly recommend communication as a better way of handling relationship problems.

Men and women cheat for largely the same reasons although the order is often different.

  • Low Self Esteem
  • Emotionally Starved
  • Using Infidelity as Revenge
  • Crave Excitement
  • Sexually Deprived

First let’s look at the differences between casual sex and relationship sex. Sex is intimate when you are doing it with someone that you’ve got feelings for. When you don’t have a deep connection, sex can be hot and exciting but it is more about the physical attraction and lust. Having sex with a hookup is almost always awkward with awkward silences and awkward touching as you try and guess what the other person likes and dislikes. You are always on edge that one or both of you might get emotionally attached. It may seem like I am trying to talk you out of it but I’m not. Casual hookups are awesome! The passion and spontaneity are hotter than hot and it makes you feel attractive and alive. It validates that you are beautiful and this other person knows it too.

So we’ve established that casual sex is hot af. Now what about the psychological effects? Depending on your upbringing and the baggage that you bring to the table (we’ve all got it), casual sex can make you feel shame, depression and can have a negative impact on self esteem. If you find yourself enjoying the hookup and taking it at face value, then it probably works for you. If you feel like trash the next day, you need to evaluate your feelings and decide if you need something more meaningful to fully enjoy yourself. Casual sex isn’t inherently bad but the meanings that you give it can make it bad to you.

If things are still sounding relatively good, let’s ask some more questions. Does the idea of sex outside the relationship make you feel threatened? If so, why does it make you feel this way? Do you feel like sex outside the relationship could turn into feelings and jeopardize your relationship? Discuss the tough questions and recognize that we can’t expect one person to fulfill all of our emotional and physical needs. If we expect this, we will always come up short. If we recognize that some of our needs may go unfulfilled by being with one person, that may be a tradeoff that you are prepared to make and that is perfectly fine.

Casual hookups may not be the same as an open marriage. In many cases, only one partner is allowed to go out on their own and even then there can be many rules to accompany the openness. The female may have a higher sex drive and the male might be fine with her experiencing some things and watching her eyes light up as she comes home to tell him all about it. The couple may experience some of these things in the same room. Other couples may both go out on their own for separate experiences. Would a threesome suffice for what you are missing? As you can tell, there are many different options and no single option is a perfect fit for every couple.

Based on what I’ve learned about our relationship and our experiences with having a third for the past year, I think our relationship would lean toward a hot wife style relationship. Kev loves seeing my face light up during a sexual experience and loves to make eye contact while I experience pleasure. His aptitude for compersion is something that I find incredibly endearing as I know it is the most selfless level of love that he can offer.


I didn’t intend for this article to be about open relationships and non-monogamy but I suppose it is leaning that way. Depending on what is right for you and your relationship, you can do whatever the two of you decide and you are free to call it whatever you will. Whether you decide to call it open relationship, hot wife, swingers, cuckold, nonmonogamy; I just ask that you communicate and agree on a set of ground rules. I recommend that those ground rules be written down somewhere and signed so they are more impactful and tangible. You are free to discuss and amend those rules at any time but having a written set of rules will help prevent them from being bent or broken in the heat of the moment.

Does this mean that Kev and I are going to have an open relationship? Nope, it isn’t looking like that is the direction we are going for the moment but we have talked about it. I encourage you to talk about it with your significant other. Even if you aren’t interested, start a dialog and enjoy a deeply meaningful conversation with the person that you love. You might just learn something about him or her.


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HappyCuckold

Thanks for another interesting post, Emma. I think you are right about the importance of communication when a couple decides to involve a third party in their sex life. After my wife and I formally agreed to have a wife led marriage, with various elements of D/s, our relationship evolved gradually, with a great deal of discussion, towards one that allowed sexual freedom for her but not for me. It’s not that her sex drive is higher than mine. A part of me envies her freedom to enjoy sexual variety, but as a submissive man, I find it emotionally enriching to be denied a privilege she enjoys. I think of it as cuckolding, but she doesn’t use that term. She points out that “cuckolding” would imply that having sex with other men is something she does TO or FOR me, whereas she sees it as something she does for her own enjoyment.  

Based on discussions with my wife, I think there is something between “casual sex” and the kind of “relationship sex” that an actual couple have. She says she needs to have a connection to a guy outside the bedroom to have a good rapport with him in the bedroom. To that end, there is always a brief period of dating before she has sex with a guy. The guys know that she is married and intends to stay married, so the period of dating for the guys is like an audition for extramarital sex partner. The dating of process is exciting for both her and me because she talks to me about it almost the way she might talk to a close woman friend. When things are going well and she is excited at the prospect of sex, I have a deep feeling of compersion.  

I am never allowed to be present when my wife has sex with another man. She says privacy makes it more enjoyable for her. Unfortunately, my wife isn’t into enforced chastity. I think that would enhance the emotional experience. But she does ask me to refrain from having orgasms for a few days before she has sex with another guy. She likes knowing that I will be really horny while she is with the other guy and that my imagination will run wild. When she gets home from a tryst, she will ask me if I’ve been “a good boy”, and when I confirm that I have, she will give me a slow hand job while telling me about sex with the other guy. She will usually tease me about what a “cute little cock” I have compared to the other guy. That usually pushes me over the edge, resulting in a mind blowing orgasm. I think she gets as much pleasure from my pleasure as I get from hers. I don’t think non monogamy would work for everyone, but it works for us.

lbp6855

A coworker told me about how she wishes for this kind of thing. She got married at 22 years old and has been married for 20 years. She described her relationship as stale and dry. She loves her husband and family but says that she wishes that she could, “have fun with a guy for a few months”. She even asked me if being married 20 years is to long. I definitely think that if she was allowed to go have fun for a little while that it would save her marriage but he is very jealous and controlling. Sadly she is in line for a lot of unhappiness in her future.

Last edited 1 month ago by lbp6855