This isn’t going to be a blog about a dominatrix permanently locking a man’s penis. This is going to be a blog about history and the male obsession with their penis. In my attempts to understand some of the obsessions and superstitions around our taboo baby making parts, I ran across some gems that I absolutely need to share with you. With no further ado, here are some very true penis stories.
In the 15th century, German clergyman Heinrich Kramer wrote a book called “Malleus Maleficarum” which directly translates to Hammer of Witches. In his book, he described how witches steal men’s penises and keep them in birds nests. The witches would occasionally take pity on their victims and allow them to climb the tree and take their penis back. One such victim climbed the tree, reached into the nest but selected a big penis instead of the one that went missing and was told by the witch that it belonged to the village priest. Coupled with the witchcraft parable was anti-clerical social commentary.
Think something like this can’t happen in modern times? Think again! In the 1990’s the West Africa news reported over 50 cases of penis snatching. This penis snatching occurred in much the same way as a pickpocket in which the thief came behind him, touched him and he immediately felt his penis shrink until it was no longer visible. Many of these men believed that their male parts had been stolen and sold on the black market as part of an international phallus trade. One rumor was that a woman was captured by airport security while trying to smuggle several penises into Europe inside baguettes.
So next time you are frustrated that your wife/girlfriend has your penis locked up for a few days, breathe deeply and relax. Be glad that it wasn’t stolen by witches and put in a birds nest or pickcocketed, smuggled into Europe in a loaf of bread and held for ransom or sold on the black market.
You would try to grab the bigger one only to be told by the witch it belonged to the village priest!
Ouch shots fired @TheRachel
Thats pretty funny both of you.
I am trying to not make a joke about catholic priests and little boys but you set me up for it so damn perfectly. To easy.
That explains it! My penis, which is about 5.5 inches erect, would be perfectly respectable on a shorter guy, but it seems small on me. Now I know what happened. A witch must have switched my real penis with the penis of some other guy. That means that some guy who is 5’2” tall is strutting around somewhere, proud as a peacock, with the 8 inch penis that is rightfully mine!
Better start checking nests!
There’s a related myth that likely goes back as far as the dawn of humanity and has appeared spontaneously in every human culture ever documented: the “vagina dentata” (toothed vagina). The fear of castration, and specifically in this case having one’s penis severed, serves an evolutionary and survival imperative – protect the organs that produce and deliver sperm. The vagina dentata myth involves a woman whose labia conceal a full set of razor sharp teeth that will separate a man’s penis from his body creating a bloody and painful mess and likely death through loss of blood when he least expects it – during coitus. The only two fears that humans have naturally at birth are falling and loud noises – we learn every other fear throughout life. This one of having the penis bitten off by a toothed vagina is one of the oldest learned fears – a primal one.
Even if he survives having his penis severed, which was highly unlikely before modern medicine, he’d spend the rest of his life dickless. Our pre-human ancestors walked upright and mostly hairless for about a million years before anyone ever put on a stich of clothing, so his dicklessness (a scar or useless stump where a penis should be) would be obvious and a decisive factor in his standing among males within the group and when encountering anyone from outside the group.
Thanks to this I now have the overwhelming urge to steal grandma’s dentures and put them in Kev’s fleshlight. Don’t google this unless you want to be traumatized.