About Him · Having Fun With It · Sexuality

Be careful fellas, the witches might steal your penis!

This isn’t going to be a blog about a dominatrix permanently locking a man’s penis. This is going to be a blog about history and the male obsession with their penis. In my attempts to understand some of the obsessions and superstitions around our taboo baby making parts, I ran across some gems that I absolutely need to share with you. With no further ado, here are some very true penis stories.

In the 15th century, German clergyman Heinrich Kramer wrote a book called “Malleus Maleficarum” which directly translates to Hammer of Witches. In his book, he described how witches steal men’s penises and keep them in birds nests. The witches would occasionally take pity on their victims and allow them to climb the tree and take their penis back. One such victim climbed the tree, reached into the nest but selected a big penis instead of the one that went missing and was told by the witch that it belonged to the village priest. Coupled with the witchcraft parable was anti-clerical social commentary.

Think something like this can’t happen in modern times? Think again! In the 1990’s the West Africa news reported over 50 cases of penis snatching. This penis snatching occurred in much the same way as a pickpocket in which the thief came behind him, touched him and he immediately felt his penis shrink until it was no longer visible. Many of these men believed that their male parts had been stolen and sold on the black market as part of an international phallus trade. One rumor was that a woman was captured by airport security while trying to smuggle several penises into Europe inside baguettes.

So next time you are frustrated that your wife/girlfriend has your penis locked up for a few days, breathe deeply and relax. Be glad that it wasn’t stolen by witches and put in a birds nest or pickcocketed, smuggled into Europe in a loaf of bread and held for ransom or sold on the black market.

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I’m still waiting for the U.K. government to do the right thing and return my penis they have had on display at a museum in London which that woman stole.


You would try to grab the bigger one only to be told by the witch it belonged to the village priest!


Not being wasteful is a virtue and a big penis would only go to waste on a priest.


I am trying to not make a joke about catholic priests and little boys but you set me up for it so damn perfectly. To easy.


That explains it! My penis, which is about 5.5 inches erect, would be perfectly respectable on a shorter guy, but it seems small on me. Now I know what happened. A witch must have switched my real penis with the penis of some other guy. That means that some guy who is 5’2” tall is strutting around somewhere, proud as a peacock, with the 8 inch penis that is rightfully mine!


Do you remember Mini Me from the Austin Powers movies? He debunked this kind of thinking with his “kick stand.”