Ask Emma: Sex is Off the Table but I Want to Stay Married

Dear Emma,

Last May, I sat my husband down and shared something that I’d been feeling for a while—I no longer wanted a sexual relationship with him. It was one of the hardest things I’ve ever said, especially because it came from a place of love, not rejection. When I told him, he got upset and asked if I wanted a divorce. The thought of splitting up tore at me. I love this man dearly, and I couldn’t imagine a life apart from him. The truth is, I feel our marriage is built on so much more than just a sexual connection. I know I’d be happy to stay as co-parents and partners, and while sex may not be the connection between us, he’s still the perfect partner for me in every other way.

I also told him that this was partially an emotional decision, but there are physical aspects too—my husband is on the smaller side and has struggled with frequent erection problems. These things are manageable, but they’ve affected my ability to feel fully turned on with him. Since then, we’ve found a middle ground, where our relationship feels like a halfway open marriage. I have a boyfriend of three months who stays over a couple of nights a week, and my husband has supported this new part of our life. Oddly, it’s made us closer than ever. My husband is deeply turned on by the idea of this arrangement, even identifying with a cuckold fetish. I am ok with him being present or trying various role playing but that brings me to my question. He has asked specifically for humiliation play and showed me some links on your blog I have to say that I am not comfortable with it at all. I am not a dominatrix and felt very uncomfortable with dishing out insults. I don’t want anything to damage the respect and love we share. So I’m wondering, are there ways to honor his request while staying true to my boundaries and keep our emotional intimacy sacred?

Dear Clara,

Sexual dynamics can indeed be complicated, and I truly applaud you for bravely confronting this truth in your marriage. It’s easy to let intimacy issues fester, but by having an open and honest conversation, you’ve saved your relationship from silent resentments. Many women face similar situations but continue to silently continue a sexual relationship out of a sense of obligation that leaves them crying in the bathroom or deep depression. Unknowingly letting these unspoken truths harm the relationship over time. The courage to set such a boundary in your relationship shows you value your connection and respect your husband deeply.

It sounds like you and your husband are navigating this new reality with grace, and I can’t imagine it has been easy. There are certainly ways to fulfill his specific type of desire without compromising your values. One option could be to introduce some light physical intimacy, like pegging, which offers a way to share a physical experience without penetrative sex. Since he’s comfortable with your boyfriend’s involvement, adding an aspect of “cuckolding” to your dynamic may enhance the experience. If the humiliation element is outside your comfort zone, there are ways to explore this without outright humiliation. Often, men drawn to this dynamic are searching for validation and acknowledgment within the unique setup. Instead of demeaning, you might try introducing a “loving truth” approach where you affirm his role as your primary partner while acknowledging the appeal of your boyfriend in a non-judgmental, truthful way.

For example, affirming your husband by expressing, “I love watching you support me through this,” can allow him to feel secure while still playing into the dynamic he finds arousing. You might say things like, “I deeply appreciate you allowing me this part of my life,” or, “Thank you for making this possible and fulfilling me in a way that’s emotionally intimate.” Another gentle approach could be to let him know how much you value him as a partner, distinguishing between your connection with him and the physical aspect you enjoy with your boyfriend. By subtly acknowledging your satisfaction with your boyfriend without belittling your husband, you create an erotic tension that respects your dynamic without crossing lines.

It’s easy to see how his request for “humiliation” could very well be a coping mechanism about the arrangement or his own physical insecurities. The fact that he’s intrigued by the idea shows he’s likely processing his feelings about the dynamic in his own way. You can play into this interest by softly pointing out the differences without outright insults or negativity. Say things like, “It’s incredible to feel the physical fulfillment I needed,” or, “I love that you are able to fulfill me emotionally while I enjoy physical pleasure.” These statements are subtly honest yet grounded in the reality of your shared journey.

It’s completely normal for your comfort level with role play to evolve over time, especially as you gain a deeper understanding of what your husband’s requests really mean to him. When we first encounter these types of dynamics, it can feel overwhelming or even uncomfortable. But over time, as we start to compartmentalize these aspects of our relationship, we can better appreciate how they fulfill a specific psychological need. Role play, especially when tied to cuckolding, may not always be about humiliation for your husband—it might be more about him feeling a sense of purpose or inclusion in your sexual life. Understanding this shift can make it easier to navigate these requests in a way that aligns with your boundaries while also honoring his desires.

You might find that your initial discomfort begins to soften as you realize that his request isn’t necessarily a reflection of his dissatisfaction with you, but rather a way for him to be a part of your sexual world. For many men in cuckold relationships, there’s a need to feel essential or validated in the dynamic, even if the role they’re playing feels less than traditional. The idea of being included, seen, and respected—without compromising the love and intimacy you share—can be a big part of why these dynamics feel fulfilling for him. So, by recognizing that his requests are more about connection than degradation, you can start to redefine your comfort zone, exploring ways to meet his needs while maintaining the respect and intimacy you both value.

As you both explore this journey, it might also become clear that there are ways to provide him with a sense of purpose without crossing your boundaries. Acknowledging his role in your life—not just as your husband but also as someone who supports and affirms your needs—can help him feel empowered. You might not ever be fully comfortable with humiliation, and that’s perfectly fine. But finding alternative ways to integrate him into your sexual life can help him feel necessary and desired. Perhaps using affirming language or offering subtle forms of validation can help you both enjoy these dynamics while strengthening your emotional and physical connection.

While these distinctions may seem minor, but they create a safe space where he can feel empowered and valued. It’s not about feeding into a pornographic script but rather honoring the nuances of your unique relationship in a way that works for both of you. Thank you for sharing your story—it’s a reminder that love and partnership evolve, and sometimes, our connections become even stronger through these kinds of honest conversations. With all of that said, it’s not your job to constantly validate him; he needs to put in the work to build his own confidence and perhaps explore dating on his own if that is something he desires. It may not be fair for you to feel an obligation of your husband living vicariously through your sex life. It may in fact feel problematic if you start to feel like he is objectifying you as his own porn star who is doing things for him. That may not be the case but I wanted to plant the seed so you can be watchful for personal porn star type behaviors as they don’t seem to suit this type of dynamic. Regardless, the two of you should sit down and communicate openly—do you want to integrate him into your sex life, or does he need to find his own sexual experiences separately? Does the cuckold fetish seem like an obligation or are you also interested in exploring this with him? Do you feel guilt about ending the sexual relationship and do you feel like you owe this to him?

Whatever the answers, they are for the two of you to explore together. Kev and I wish you both all the best in this exciting new chapter!