Hi Emma,
My wife has been dating her bull for about three months, and I’ve found myself in a submissive role with my wife’s bull. It started during a night of drinking when he guided me to perform oral on him while we were all sitting together. At first, I hesitated, but my wife encouraged it, saying it would turn her on. I was intoxicated and decided to go along with it, especially when I saw how much she enjoyed it. As the night went on, I got more into it, focusing on pleasing him, which seemed to make her even happier.
Later that evening, he was intimate with my wife and then asked me to “clean up.” This act was a fantasy of mine, and my wife seemed thrilled, making me realize it was likely a fantasy of hers as well. Although I felt a mix of embarrassment and excitement, I’ve since continued to participate in this dynamic. He now expects me to engage in these submissive acts regularly, and my wife is always delighted.
On one occasion, when my wife was out of town, he visited me alone. He asked for oral, climaxed in my mouth, and left after some dominant gestures and words. My wife watched via video call, clearly enjoying the situation. While I feel conflicted about this dynamic—both resenting and secretly loving my submissive role—I’ve noticed that I crave the validation and attention it brings. I’m struggling to understand why I enjoy something that simultaneously makes me feel vulnerable and conflicted.
–Anonymous cuck
Dear Anonymous Cuck,
Thank you for reaching out and sharing your experience. It sounds like your situation involves a complex mix of emotions and desires, which is entirely normal in such nuanced dynamics. Let’s break this down to understand why submission, particularly in this context, can be both deeply fulfilling and emotionally challenging.
Submission taps into psychological and emotional layers that aren’t always immediately obvious. At its core, it’s about surrender—relinquishing control and allowing someone else to take the reins. This can create a sense of freedom, as you’re no longer the one navigating the moment; instead, you’re fully immersed in experiencing and reacting. For many, the vulnerability of submission is paradoxically empowering because it’s a choice—you’re actively choosing to give someone else power.
In your case, submitting to your wife’s boyfriend is layered with validation from your wife, making it even more impactful. Her encouragement and excitement likely reinforce your actions, as her pleasure becomes a reward for your submission. This dynamic creates a loop where pleasing her by pleasing him becomes a deeply satisfying validation for both her love for you and your relationship at large.
The Role of Validation in Submissive Dynamics
Validation plays a critical role in submission. When your wife expresses joy and excitement at your actions, it’s a form of positive reinforcement. You’re not just participating in these acts for the sake of submission itself; you’re doing it to enhance her happiness and to strengthen your connection. Similarly, the dominant partner’s acknowledgment, even through gestures like calling you a “good boy,” serves as another layer of validation. While the words might feel degrading on the surface, they also affirm your role in the dynamic, which can be satisfying.
On a deeper level, this validation might tap into your need to feel useful and valued. Submitting and performing acts of service—even intimate ones—can provide a sense of purpose within the dynamic, especially if both your wife and her boyfriend respond positively.
Submission to Your Wife’s Bull = Submission to Her
Your role isn’t just about submission to the boyfriend; it’s about reinforcing, accepting and submitting to the bond between your wife and her partner. By performing cleanup or engaging in acts that validate their connection, you’re supporting their intimacy in a way that feels tangible and meaningful to her. This can be both humbling and fulfilling, as you’re actively contributing to their shared pleasure.
It’s a unique form of participation that underscores your role in this consensual, multifaceted relationship. There is a tremendous amount of guilt and shame around which can surround alternative relationship styles like this for women, especially those with a strict religious upbringing. Showing that you love her in nontraditional ways helps to absolve her from her subconscious and ultimately unlock and enjoy more of her happy feelings without living in anxious thoughts.
Why We Love What We Hate
The duality of loving something you claim to dislike is not uncommon. Often, this tension arises from societal expectations or internalized shame. The idea of being “made submissive” may conflict with how you view yourself outside of this context. However, within the dynamic, those same actions can feel liberating and desirable because they fulfill a deeply rooted need for connection, purpose, or arousal.
Consider how these acts make you feel in the moment versus how you feel afterward. During the act, you’re likely focused on the pleasure and validation—on being useful, wanted, and integral to the scenario. Afterward, societal or personal judgments might creep in, leading to feelings of discomfort. This conflict doesn’t mean something is wrong with you; it simply highlights how complex and layered our desires can be.
Moving Forward
If this dynamic is something you enjoy overall but feel conflicted about, open communication with your wife is key. Share your feelings—both the highs and the lows—and discuss how this arrangement can continue in a way that respects your emotional needs. Boundaries are essential, even in consensual dynamics, to ensure that all participants feel respected and valued.
Exploring these feelings with a sex-positive therapist might also help unpack the emotional layers of this relationship and allow you to better understand what drives your desires and discomfort. This exploration can empower you to embrace what you love while addressing what feels challenging.
It’s perfectly okay to find enjoyment in things that might initially make you feel a bit uncomfortable—exploration is part of growth! As long as it’s consensual, ethical, and doesn’t harm anyone involved, stepping outside your comfort zone can be incredibly rewarding. Discomfort doesn’t always mean something is wrong; sometimes it’s a sign that you’re challenging old beliefs or venturing into uncharted territory. Communicating openly about your boundaries and feelings ensures everyone is on the same page, creating a safe space for curiosity and connection. So, whether it’s trying a new dynamic, exploring a fantasy, or even just being vulnerable with your partner, give yourself permission to lean into the experience—you might discover a whole new side of yourself.
Evolving Your Conversation:
- What role does validation—whether from your wife or her boyfriend—play in your enjoyment of this dynamic? How can you ensure it remains positive?
- How do you feel about the balance of power in this arrangement? Are there ways to adjust it that would make you feel more comfortable?
- How does participating in this dynamic affect your sense of identity, and what steps can you take to reconcile any internal conflicts?
Exploring these questions together can help you and your wife deepen your understanding of each other and create a more fulfilling dynamic for everyone involved.
