Gender, Submission & Power: Unpacking Dominance in Modern Relationships

The question of whether men should be inherently dominant and women inherently submissive is as old as human civilization itself. Gender, submission, power, cultural norms, religious doctrines, and traditional family structures have historically reinforced a very clear assumption of what marriage should be. Modern psychology, sociology, and personal experiences suggest that dominance and submission exist on a spectrum rather than being strictly gendered roles. This distinction is vital in understanding how power dynamics function within relationships and broader societal structures.

From an evolutionary perspective, many argue that dominance in men and submission in women stem from biological imperatives. Evolutionary biologists often reference sexual selection, where women have historically sought dominant partners for protection and resource allocation. Studies from the field of evolutionary psychology, such as those presented in David Buss’s The Evolution of Desire, support this claim, demonstrating how ancestral mating strategies influence modern relationship preferences. However, others argue that societal conditioning plays a larger role than biology, emphasizing the impact of upbringing, cultural influences, and personal experiences in shaping one’s dominant or submissive tendencies.

Where Did These Societal Expectations Come From?

Historically, the idea that men should be dominant and women should be submissive can be traced back to early human civilizations, religious texts, and economic structures. In early societies, men were often hunters and warriors, roles that required physical dominance, while women took on nurturing roles such as child-rearing and homemaking. These divisions were largely practical at the time but eventually became deeply ingrained as gender norms.

Religions also played a significant role in reinforcing these expectations. Many religious texts, such as those in Christianity, Islam, and Confucianism, emphasize male leadership and female submission. For example, traditional Christian doctrine often cites Ephesians 5:22: “Wives, submit yourselves to your own husbands as you do to the Lord.” Such teachings have historically been used to justify patriarchal structures, making it difficult for women to assert dominance without facing social backlash.

Economic structures further reinforced gender roles. For centuries, men controlled financial resources, education, and politics, which meant that women who wanted independence had few opportunities. The Industrial Revolution started shifting these roles, as women entered the workforce and gained financial independence, challenging the notion that submission was their “natural” state.

The Real-Life Consequences of Breaking These Norms

Although societal norms are evolving, there are still real-world consequences for individuals who do not conform to traditional gender roles.

The Submissive Man: Weak or Secure?

Men who exhibit submissive traits often face scrutiny in both their professional and personal lives. Society still expects men to be assertive, ambitious, and dominant, particularly in leadership roles. A man who expresses emotional vulnerability, defers decision-making to his partner, or prefers a more supportive role in his relationships may be labeled as weak or unmanly.

In the workplace, submissive men may be overlooked for leadership positions, as traditional corporate structures often reward assertiveness and competitiveness. According to a Harvard Business Review study, men who demonstrate more nurturing or cooperative behaviors are often perceived as less competent in high-powered roles. This can lead to career stagnation, workplace discrimination, or pressure to conform to more traditionally masculine behaviors.

Socially, submissive men often struggle with dating, as many women—conditioned by societal norms—still expect men to take the lead. However, this is changing, especially as more women embrace dominant roles and seek partners who are comfortable in a more supportive or egalitarian dynamic.

The Dominant Woman: Bossy or Empowered?

On the other hand, dominant women face their own set of challenges. Despite progress in gender equality, women who display confidence, assertiveness, and leadership often face labels such as “bossy,” “intimidating,” or “cold.” Studies show that while men are praised for being decisive and ambitious, women who exhibit the same traits are often criticized or disliked.

In the workplace, dominant women frequently encounter the “double bind”—if they are too assertive, they are seen as aggressive, but if they are too accommodating, they are seen as weak. A report from Lean In and McKinsey & Company found that women in leadership positions are often held to higher standards than their male counterparts and face greater resistance when making authoritative decisions.

In relationships, dominant women may struggle to find partners who are comfortable with their leadership. Some men feel emasculated by a woman who earns more, makes decisions, or takes charge in the bedroom. However, just as with submissive men, this perception is shifting as gender roles become more fluid.

Nature vs. Nurture: The Psychology Behind Dominance and Submission

The debate over whether dominance and submission are innate (nature) or learned (nurture) continues to be explored by psychologists and anthropologists. Studies have shown that while testosterone is often linked to dominance-related behaviors, social conditioning plays a significant role in how dominance is expressed. For instance, men in collectivist cultures may express dominance differently than those in individualistic cultures. Similarly, women raised in environments that encourage leadership and assertiveness are more likely to exhibit dominant traits.

Biological explanations for dominance and submission often focus on hormonal influences. Higher levels of testosterone are commonly associated with increased dominance in men, while oxytocin, sometimes called the “bonding hormone,” is often linked to submissive and nurturing behaviors. However, this is an oversimplification, as psychological and social influences significantly modulate these biological predispositions.

The renowned psychologist Dr. Valerie Greene argues that “while hormones can influence behavior, they do not dictate it. Societal expectations and personal experiences are just as crucial in shaping how people express dominance and submission”.

Relationship Compatibility: More Difficult Than Ever

In today’s world, compatibility has become more complex than ever. Traditional relationship models once dictated clear-cut gender roles—men were expected to lead, women to follow—but modern couples are navigating a much more fluid and individualized dynamic. With people openly identifying as dominant, submissive, or somewhere in between, and with evolving understandings of gender and sexual orientation, finding a partner who complements your unique traits without forcing compromise can feel like solving a puzzle with infinite possibilities. Instead of relying on societal expectations, individuals must now do the work of self-discovery, communication, and negotiation to determine how they best fit together.

This shifting landscape has given rise to less restrictive relationship dynamics in modern marriages. Instead of conforming to rigid gender norms, couples are now structuring their relationships around their personalities, values, and needs. Some may prefer a more traditional dominant-submissive partnership, while others adopt an egalitarian or role-reversed approach. The rise of non-traditional relationship models—such as polyamory, FLRs (female-led relationships), and consensual power exchange—reflects a growing awareness that compatibility isn’t about forcing oneself into a predefined mold, but about aligning naturally with a partner’s energy in ways that foster mutual growth and happiness.

As a result, relationships today are becoming more intentional, with fewer compromises that lead to resentment or dissatisfaction. The priority is no longer simply staying together for societal approval but rather building a connection where both partners can thrive. Open dialogue about power dynamics, sexual preferences, and emotional compatibility is becoming a standard part of dating and marriage, leading to partnerships that feel freer and more fulfilling. This evolution doesn’t mean relationships are easier—if anything, they require more introspection and effort—but it does mean people are more empowered than ever to create partnerships that truly work for them, rather than settling for a one-size-fits-all model.

The Evolution of Gender Roles in Relationships

As gender roles continue to evolve, more people are embracing the idea that dominance and submission are personal choices rather than predefined roles based on sex. Research from sources like the National Institutes of Health has shown that relationships built on mutual understanding, regardless of power dynamics, tend to be more fulfilling.

With consensual power exchange dynamics in relationships such as female led relationships, more individuals feel empowered to explore more natural power dynamic without societal constraints. Whether in professional settings or intimate relationships, the freedom to express one’s true nature leads to more authentic and satisfying connections.

Ultimately, dominance and submission are not about gender but about preference, personality, and relationship dynamics. Submissive men and dominant women are not less valuable than their counterparts; they simply express themselves differently. By challenging traditional gender expectations, society moves closer to embracing the rich diversity of human relationships and identities.

Evolving Your Conversation

• Do you see dominance and submission as fixed traits, or do they change depending on the relationship?
• How has your upbringing influenced your views on gender roles in relationships?
• Have you ever felt societal pressure to conform to a specific role in your relationship?
• What are some ways that couples can explore dominance and submission in a healthy, consensual manner?
• How can we challenge societal expectations to create more inclusive conversations around gender and power dynamics?