She also asked for any teasing suggestions that don't take much time. Like @kimmy2006 said, teasing doesn't come natural for her. What ideas do you have?
This is quite interesting. It comes as no surprise that your relationship has grown closer in the last month but what comes as a surprise is how much better you thought things were before you were locked up. Both with your bond and sexually with your wife. The cage is no magic bullet but the two of you have seen the results of the tool when used by couple who loves each other deeply.
Some things for you both to work on:
Advertisement
Be sexually playful
Enjoy each other's company sexually
Continue to give her physical touches and massages
Some things for you to work on:
Allow her to take control and stop topping from the bottom
If you give @therachel's list to her (great list btw!) don't bring it up again unless she asks you questions. Yes, we know what you want but what she is comfortable giving is a very different thing. She will give what fits in her comfort zone and nothing more. Her comfort zone may expand over time as she learns what turns you on but it may not. Accept her for who she is.
Some things for her to work on:
Be overtly sexual with a clear start and stop. This can be the hardest thing because you expect that sexual flirtation ends in sex but it doesn't have to. You have the key, remember? Some of the things in @therachel's list are really good and she is right. 99% of it is acting but after a while the act become incredible fun. It can feel uncomfortable at first but sexual play is so much fun. Even if it is silly, the two of you can laugh about it, together.
Words of encouragement! You're doing great hun, thanks for locking yourself for us.
Humiliation can be really exciting and it sounds like he enjoys light humiliation. Little guy is all locked up huh? I bet if he was bigger he wouldn't have to be locked up. Use your imagination and see what works for you.
Your relationship has improved, your sex life has improved. I guarantee that you have an opportunity for even more improvement. With every small effort you make, you will see a massive effort from him. You have my money back guarantee on that one! That guarantee is a safe bet for a free website. ?
Read through @therachel's list, some real gems in there. list
Or do nothing and just enjoy his efforts. By your own acknowledgement, things are still better than they were!
All of this ignores the real reason for locking him up in the first place and that is perfectly fine! You locked him up to help with delayed ejaculation and your solution has massively improved your relationship. Give it time and eventually his penis will be re-sensitized and things will be in order for the two of you. At that point you can decide if the cage goes into the nightstand or if it goes immediately back on him. I'll bet you can guess my vote. ?
I am so glad you decided to post this @dad-jokes. Thank you for sharing your lives, I've had a great time accompanying you on this journey.
@evolvingyourman_ivcr4j Thank you. I took the list and shrank it down to a just few things that I think would work well for us. Sending the entire list might be overwhelming and if she is making the effort I'd like to make sure we start with things we would both like. I added the last one and also took some creative license to make the others more applicable to the relationship that my best friend and I share.
I find the size humiliation play fun and arousing and fun but I'm not sure if she is comfortable with it. It is all in good fun and part of the sexual playfulness you mentioned. Thanks for all of the advice!
Most of it is just play acting and teasing so you can be over the top with your acting it really builds up his frustration and sexual anxiety. You both know you are playing a game at his expense. Play into it and have fun together!
If he is giving you a massage (obviously he will be!), direct him to lightly touch your pussy or panties. Give some exaggerated moans and say something about wishing he was unlocked right now. Then laugh and talk about how great it is to get his attention without worrying about sex getting in the way of his great touches.
Rub his body, moan, breathe your warm breath in his ear. Say "I want you so badly right now but you are allll locked up." Rub his body and act like you are frustrated that he isn't able to have sex because he is locked up.
Sit on him, straddle him, grind on him just behind his cage so he can look down and see his caged cock with your naked body right behind him. Say things about how much you wish he wasn't locked so he can be inside you. You want me so badly but you can't have me. How does that feel?
Put your hand on his cage and ask him to play with your tits, say they need attention and need to be squeezed or nipples played with. All the while feeling his cage get tighter. When it gets tight, stop and laugh at how frustrated he is.
Take off his cage and let him use a fleshlight while you watch him. Watching him with the fleshlight can be very hot, especially as he really starts enjoying himself and getting into a rhythm. Like having your own personal porn star performing for you. Watch intently or act disinterested and play on your phone or watch tv. Stop him whenever you want but certainly before he gets too close and make him lock himself back up immediately.
Call/text him just to tell him that you love him and remind him he is locked. "I am keeping your key safe for you". Ask if his little guy is safe in his cage.
His dick is in a cage, make fun of him. Yes he is doing it to be a better partner but this sexy secret you share isn't "normal" and you both know it. Acknowledge that neither of you takes it too seriously by poking fun at his situation. It is your wife that you want, not some sort of professional dominatrix so don't try and make her be something she's not. His frustration is very real and laughing and joking about it together is a great way to keep distance between you from any resentment that he may might be feeling.
So a quick admission and request for help. It has been over a month since I've ejaculated and I'm struggling. I specify ejaculating since I've had a couple p-gasms during that time which do help. We have PIV sex about once a week for 5 minutes (via a timer). That isn't the problem, my wife and I have agreed that we would try and do it about that often but ultimately the frequency of our sex is up to her as my asking for sex is one of the things that was making her resentful of sex. I think this also may stem back to me trying to top from the bottom as @evolvingyourman_ivcr4j called it. I feel like I've done a good job of not complaining about the cage and talking about it frequently like I did at the beginning and the first few times that we tried the cage. I keep bringing up sex when I know that she is supposed to be in charge, how can I stop trying to initiate sex and feel more comfortable with leaving it up to her? She hasn't tried any of the teasing ideas yet but perhaps that will help? She told me that my attempts to initiate sex are making her resentful and counter to what we are trying to do together.
Kimmy and I had this problem when we first started and I have a huge fear of being locked and left. Kimmy is always busy and never made time for teasing me because it isn't come natural for her to remember something new. The teasing is the key because it reminds your brain that you aren't doing this alone and she has you in mind. You need to come clean and tell her that you havent trust her fully. She needs to make an effort to do some one minute or thirty second things each day to help remind you that she is in charge and you can trust her. How can she ever drive if you still has your hand on the steering wheel? If she is driving with her eyes closed of course you want to put your hand on the steering wheel. She needs to agree to focus on the road with you (teasing) and you need to trust her that she is your partner (don't initiate).
You need to talk and make an effort and you need to filter those thoughts before they ever leave your mouth. Self control man. You don't tell her that you think her sister is hot, filter this urge the same way.
Franco is spot on with his prognosis of your predicament. In fact I talked @franco83 and @kimmy2003 through something very similar about three months ago. It is very hard to get your subconscious to trust even when your conscious wants so badly to do so. With that said, trust is a two way street because without reassurance there can be no trust. Her small acts of teasing show your subconscious that despite not getting precisely what you want at that moment, your needs are not out of mind.
For Her
Make a mental note (or even a phone reminder!) to tease him once or twice a day. I know @dad-jokes said you are busy but pick something easy, one or two minutes out of your day. You've already seen an improvement in your relationship so I ask. How much is your relationship worth to you? Can you spare five minutes for him per day? I'm going to ask him to offer his trust blindly but if that trust isn't reinforced with semi-regular teasing, it will end with a frustrated and resentful husband. This isn't all about you, stay tuned because I have got some expectations for him too.
For Him
She is in charge and you really need to accept that fact before you can make further progress together. You will ultimately lose if you continue to have a power struggle with her and it will end with a very resentful wife. You need to talk to her about what is and what is not acceptable. Clearly asking for sex is completely off the table but your needs are still important. When you are feeling needy, talk about what is acceptable and what is unacceptable. In our home, Kev is allowed to offer me oral and he is allowed to ask me to peg him but not the other way around. Conversation about his cage is unacceptable unless it is related to a health concern or I initiate the conversation. If you are feeling needy, asking for her to cuddle with you and hold your cage seems like a very fair compromise. In your intro, you said that you are taking more of a supporting role in your relationship and that means you need to get comfortable with being vulnerable to her. If you need her to reassure you about something verbally, ask for it. If you need her to hold you and tell you that everything is going to be ok, ask for it. If you need something more physical, tell her that you need to be fucked and ask her to peg you.
For Both
He needs to offer his blind trust. She needs to reassure and reinforce that trust with small acts of love, teasing and kindness in a language that his subconscious will understand as sexual reassurance. You two can do this but it won't come naturally for either of you. I promise if you make an effort, you won't be disappointed.
We had a few heart-to-heart conversations today and I acknowledged that while I handed the physical keys to her I still held back a large part of my trust. I know that she is very busy and sex isn't always on her mind so I felt like I needed to give her frequent reminders about my needs. She frustratedly told me that I never even gave her a chance. I committed to hand her my blind trust. Unconditionally. Her needs come first. We should have started like this but I was too selfish. We didn't discuss Emma's comments above specifically but my wife understands the importance of making sure that my needs are not forgotten and promised to do her best.
Becoming resentful is the biggest worry and it comes from both of us. If I feel forgotten, I'll feel unimportant to her and become resentful. If I bring up sex and focus on my needs without trusting her, she will become resentful. We discussed and made clear what/how I can request her attention without saying it in a way that makes her resentful
Tonight we had sex and she requested that we shave a minute from our 5 minute timer. Long story short, I got anxious and had problems getting hard. She let me pause our timer while we reconnected and we gave it another try, better success this time. Much better success actually. I got very close to cumming and got confused because I realized we hadn't discussed what I should do if I came. She is on birth control but do we feel safe cumming inside? That is new territory for me so I got anxious. On top of that, we've made a great deal of progress with our closeness and relationship over the last month. Does this reset our progress? I ended up pulling out and we had a long-overdue conversation. We decided that if I felt like I was able to finish that I should do so and ended up just laying together for a few minutes. While I didn't cum, it was great to feel so physically and emotionally connected to her.
I am looking forward to spending the holidays with her and our family and I am excited to have the green light to cum if I'm able. I am also very excited at how close and connected we are becoming. It seems like every week we reach a new milestone of trust, communication, and connection. This is how a marriage is supposed to feel.
It seems like every week we reach a new milestone of trust, communication, and connection. This is how a marriage is supposed to feel.
So much yes!
Do you think it is coincidental that you had a breakthrough in several areas on the same night? NOPE! You are becoming a more compassionate lover, making big steps to overcome your delayed ejaculation and she is becoming more sexually confident/dominant by taking time off your timer. It sounds like she is getting more comfortable and confident with teasing. You also had a conversation about ejaculating which is something you both never even considered.
You will have problems getting hard some of the time as you transition to emotionally driven lovemaking rather than physically driven sex. The timer creates an extra level of pressure for you to perform. Her reassurance that the definition of your performance is your emotional presence only goes to show that you've both come a long way. She was compassionate and you were able to reconnect and give it another shot. You may continue to have erection problems for the next few times together. Believe it or not, that indicates great progress because it you've tapped into an emotional side of yourself that you've probably just begun to meet and explore. Give yourselves a pat on the back and keep up the good work. Communication and intimacy first with sex second if it feels right, don't put too much pressure on yourself. If you do have erection problems and you are not able to back into the game quickly, try using a strap-on to pleasure her. If you use the same toys that you use for pegging, please use a condom. Mixing brown with pink is a big-no-no.
What you are dealing with is PIED or porn induced erectile dysfunction. Your body is seeking visual instead of emotional stimulation for arousal. As you transition to emotional stimulation you are confusing your subconscious and breaking the visual dopamine arousal cycle. From what I've read in other forums (mostly reddit's nofap) you shouldn't be surprised if it takes 60 or 90 days to shift or reboot your arousal cycle. The two of you are really evolving, set aside time for communication both in and out of the bedroom. Not just verbal communicating but physical communication. Cuddling, teasing and other activities that help you connect physically will keep the connection alive. If you are cuddling, having sex or pegging, focus on the slow and sensual and experiencing each other's presence. The moment your communication stops, the new bond you've cultivated withers away and dies. If you stop watering the garden the plants die so keep watering each other's gardens!
I've pretty much given up on solving the delayed ejaculation but I would appreciate any thoughts on making sex more positive for her. I adore her and feel like she deserves the best marriage both in and out of the bedroom.
I am five pages late to this but may I ask what the problem is? The delayed ejaculation is a blessing not a curse. Most men struggle to hold the orgasm back but you are able to enjoy sex with your wife and not need to worry about an orgasm getting in the way. I read thru all five pages and your relationship has improved just by removing your orgasm from the mix. Her satisfaction went way up. Your satisfaction went way up.
If you do get through this and have the ability to orgasm each time you have sex with her. Will you? Seems to me like it will take your relationship right back where it was. Will she continue to use the cage? How often will she allow you to ejaculate? How will you signal that you are going to ejaculate? Have you asked her if she wants you to orgasm during sex or if she prefers the way things are? You answered your own question. Making sex more positive for her is about making sex about her and not about you and you've done that.
Not going to lie, watching Kev is many times better than any porn. I'll probably write a blog about it in the future but I couldn't come up with a witty name for the practice. Feel free to give suggestions!
Love this. I suggest calling it Objectification because it seems like that is what it is. And it's wonderful!!! Performing sexually for your visual pleasure is a super sexy way for a Dominant Woman to spend sexy time with her man.
Not going to lie, watching Kev is many times better than any porn. I'll probably write a blog about it in the future but I couldn't come up with a witty name for the practice. Feel free to give suggestions!
Love this. I suggest calling it Objectification because it seems like that is what it is. And it's wonderful!!! Performing sexually for your visual pleasure is a super sexy way for a Dominant Woman to spend sexy time with her man.
We discussed and made clear what/how I can request her attention without saying it in a way that makes her resentful
May I ask what you agreed too ?
We agreed that I would not ask for or try to initiate sex. If I need to feel physical intimacy I can tell her that I'd like to feel close and I can mention that I'd like pegging cuddling in the next few days.
An update.
Yesterday was 42 days and we had a huge step backwards. Here is the story and as you can probably imagine, it is my fault. The stainless steel cage I have gives some slight chafing overnight around the sides and most days I'll put a bit of lotion around the sides to help relieve irritation. If I apply liberally, it feels quite good as it allows my penis to slide inside the cage so I've been giving a little extra so I can actually feel something. I normally do this when I wake up but yesterday I forgot and did it later, before I started exercising on our stationary bicycle, a Christmas present. Things were slippery and about five minutes into my workout I felt some pain down there but I kept riding and tried my best to adjust myself. Another couple minutes later and I had to get off the bike because it was nauseating. Upon inspection I realized that one of the boys had slipped out from under the ring. Ouch. I sat on the bed and tried to push it back in but it wasn't happening. I put my leg up on the counter, no dice. I got some lube to try and move it back in and as I rearranged the other, I found it easier to slip the other one out as well. With no balls trapped, the cage was removed. I don't recommend doing this, it was very uncomfortable each time one of the boys slipped through.
I knew that the first thing I should do is text my wife and let her know what happened, that would be the right thing to do but I chose to not do the right thing. While both testicles were sore, it felt good to be free. Really good. I did a few errands around the house, especially those that required squatting and lifting. I crouched down to do some reorganization in our kitchen. It is much easier to do those crouching tasks while unlocked. I still opted to not tell her as I thought of other things I could do while unlocked. There is a warehouse near my wife's office and I've been meaning to move some boxes from one room to the other. I figured this would be a safe bet and went to take care of this task. Long story short, she walked in, I still chose not to tell her. She patted my crotch and I pulled away. She noticed that the cage wasn't there and she saw the guilty look on my face. I came clean at that point and she was very hurt because I was selfish and hid it from her.
We have a great relationship and we don't ever hide anything from each other so this was bigger just a minor slip-up and I'm disappointed that my frustration led me to that point. We didn't discuss it much last night, she is very hurt and regrets even playing with the cage in the first place. We are at a zero in terms of trust right now which really sucks because we really were doing better until I messed it up. In the last week, I've starting feeling resentful and really frustrated about the cage. I mentioned to her that I was really struggling but I'd hoped that as we passed the holidays and the associated stressors that things would get easier. So yeah, I am really disappointed with my decision and hopeful that we can eventually get back on track. Merry Christmas everyone. ?
It all comes down to trust and you violated her trust. At least you know it and own it I guess.
Are you locked back up now or did you end it at 42 days? You should address with her what made you resentful before going longer locked. What made you resentful is it lack of orgasm or lack of teasing? How does that 42 days of cum feel to empty out??
