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A little introduction

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Emma
 Emma
(@evolvingyourman_ivcr4j)
Member Admin
Posted by: @mstara

It also was refreshing to hear that there isn't one way to do it, and that actually what ever works for you as a couple is fine and is the right way.

100% this.

Did the pro domme give you any additional insight that was helpful? Anything that helped you figure out what makes him tick?

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Posted : 13/08/2020 3:16 pm
subhubphx liked
Ruined-Julie
(@ruined-julie)
Trusted Member

@evolvingyourman_ivcr4j

This is a question that will be difficult to answer in a short answer... But I'm going to try anyway.

As I told you my husband has the cuckolding fantasy (he's very focused on the idea of alpha and beta males which from my point of view is bullshit, but anyway).
In fact, most of the time I don't hide anything from him about my sessions with my "friend" (even if it means sometimes overplaying the sensations I felt) in order to satisfy his expectations (even if it means sometimes fighting for a few days afterwards to make up for the damage because let's never forget that our husbands are little sensitive things...).
It also happens (rarely) that I don't say anything to him (usually in these cases he nags me with questions where the only answers I give are, "I don't know, if you knew.") because I think that sometimes his brain does a better job on him than words that I could bring him.

In any case I never do anything with my "friend" that I wouldn't do or that I haven't already done with my husband. I don't recognize myself in these women who practice cuckolding to belittle their husbands (I love my husband deeply, and even if I am sometimes cruel in our games I only want his happiness).

Well I hope I have answered your question but don't hesitate if you want more details even if it is difficult to give an objective answer without a global overview of our history.

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Topic starter Posted : 14/08/2020 12:20 am
subhubphx liked
Nan Bam
(@nan-bam)
New Member

El concepto que explicar al sentir algo diferente que puede llevar a sentir que no terminaste completamente, y esa sensación puede ser frustrante aunque no desagradable es muy certera e interesante . Gracias por compartir sus experiencias.

 

Edit: English translation

The concept of explaining when feeling something different that can lead to feeling that you are not completely finished, and that feeling can be frustrating but not unpleasant is very accurate and interesting. Thank you for sharing your experiences.

This post was modified 6 months ago 2 times by Emma
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Posted : 14/08/2020 1:25 am
Ruined-Julie
(@ruined-julie)
Trusted Member

Hola @nan-bam,

Siempre es un placer y me alegro de que se haya interesado en mi contribución.

 

Edit: English translation

It is always a pleasure and I am glad that you were interested in my contribution.

This post was modified 6 months ago by Emma
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Topic starter Posted : 14/08/2020 1:44 am
subhubphx liked
mstara
(@mstara)
Trusted Member

@evolvingyourman_ivcr4j

Some, but the session was only for an hour and so for the most part she was asking me about where we were at and how we'd got there. She suggested that we come back as a couple to discuss things further, but time and cost meant that we haven't done that yet and of course now covid has got in the way.

The thing that I got most out of it was that a lot of what we were doing was quite common (for those people using chastity that is) and that the more extreme things one sees and hears about is only really the fantasy stuff. Sure there may be some people who live this to the extreme, however they are the exception even though they take up the most column inches on forums and blogs (that why this blog is so refreshing as it doesn't follow that pattern).

There were a couple of other things that came out. One was I knew he liked me being in charge as he is in a fairly pressured job and has staff to manage. But I'm also in a fairly pressured job and have staff to manage, so by meeting his needs meant more work for me. That was something that changed after the session and I was quite clear that I wasn't going to do this just for him. If he was serious then it would be my way and that meant if I wasn't in the mood for a week or two then he'd just have to accept that.

The other was the concept of 'Topping from the bottom' which is connected to the first point. This is where he would be directing what he wanted and that usually was about actually having sex in some form. What changed was that sometimes I just want a massage, to cuddle or be pampered in some way and not have it end up in sex. I know he found this very frustrating at first but over time his expectations have adjusted. Now he does these things without expectation of anything else, so if I do want more it is a bonus for him.

There was one other point and that is about the Victorian values that still permeate our society (at least in the UK) where some things are ok but others are still frowned upon. Chastity is typically misunderstood for example.
Another example is it is fine to have children without being married, no one bats an eyelid at that now. But if you are married and want sex with another man, with your partners knowledge and consent, then the woman is a slut and a man is a weak fool. If it's the other way around, then he is a stud and she can't be doing enough in the bedroom at home.
Understanding that it is ok not to follow the conventions of others, as long as it's legal and consenting, is actually ok and not something to beat yourself up about. Now that changed things for us.

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Posted : 14/08/2020 4:36 am
joebear and subhubphx liked
jd
 jd
(@jd)
Eminent Member

@ruined-julie

Good morning, thank you all for being so active these last few days and for sharing so much. I am really enjoying the energy that new voices have brought these pages.

I have questions for Julie. I hope she doesn't mind and hope that these questions aren't seen by her or others as too intrusive or loaded.

As it sounds like you came to taking another partner in response to your husband's cuckolding fantasy, and in that this fantasy seems rooted in a view of alphas and betas that you don't subscribe to does having the second relationship in any way make you respect your husband less? I know that you have spoken clearly that you love him dearly but I think that it might be possible to simultaneously love someone and, because of something that they did or position that they hold, respect them less. Maybe I am wrong. I am not trying to imply that you disrespect your husband.  You referenced hurt feelings and fighting for a few days after encounters with your other partner. Is that because he is hurt, because he wants you to share more but you are reluctant, because you may resent needing to process your encounter/relationship for his benefit? Many of the harsher femdom/chastity sites have a prominent "be careful what you wish for" theme or warning to male readers. I don't know if this is promoted by male contributors or wise and experienced female participants. Does that come into play at these times between you and your husband. Even though I presume you enjoy your current partner, do you ever wish that your husband didn't have the fantasy, didn't share it with you,  didn't encourage you to go outside the marriage and didn't fixate on enjoying your pleasure from outside a moment in which he shared it with you? Do you ever wish that you could go back to a monagamous relationship prior to his sharing the cuckold fanstasy? Does he ever wish he could go back to before he shared his fantasy? Do you ever think of stopping the relationship because the after care is too much work or too painful? Or is it a net positive because the sex and intimacy with the other partner makes it worthwhile, or because it makes you and your husband closer?  If your husband asked you to stop seeing this partner, or to stop seeking outside partners would you comply or would you think back to the warning "be careful what you wish for" and simply say too late? 

Full disclosure, I am in my 55s, male, long term loving, previously vanilla and now sexless marriage, no chastity, no kink, no punishment. My nose if pressed up against the glass....

 

Best regards, 

JD

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Posted : 14/08/2020 5:09 am
Ruined-Julie
(@ruined-julie)
Trusted Member

Hello @jd,

First of all, you don't have to thank me. I am nothing but a monomaniac woman who likes to exchange and confront her opinion on her favorite subject with intelligent and sensible people (yeah, that's you all !)

Once again it is difficult to answer your question without having a complete picture of the history of my relationship with my husband (something I wouldn't impose here. I already feel like I'm spamming Emma's blog enough on the last few days).

First of all, I love my husband, I respect him, he's the only one who knows everything about me, he's the one who's there on bad days and who puts up with my mood swings (don't think that keyholders are perfect women. We also have our moments of doubt and our days without).

My "friend" is someone with whom I share a good time both intellectually and sexually. Does that mean I have less respect for my husband? The answer is NO. He is the man with whom I share my life, with whom I had a child and he is just as capable as my "friend" of satisfying me sexually.

It happens that there is trouble after a date with my lover because the male psyche is strange. I mean, I like to provoke him, tease him, voluntarily exaggerate the intensity of the frolics I have with this other man because I know that it turns him so much on. However, like any man, after the excitement phase comes the doubt phase (is he really better than me? Isn't she going to replace me by him?) but basically nothing that a good communication (written or oral) can solve.

In any case and to answer your question, I like the situation as it is now. Would I be willing to back down from a purely monogamous relationship? Without any worries (I love my husband, my friend is just a playmate).
We can afford this kind of sexual fantasy because we are a couple united with a flourishing sexuality. However, I would not advise any couple without solid bases (easy communication, very good sexual understanding) to try this experience because even if it has never been the case in our couple I am aware that it can be dangerous for others.

And as Emily Dickinson says "The shore is safer, but I love to buffet the sea" (and my husband loves to buffet the sea by my side).

Hoping I've answered your question.

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Topic starter Posted : 14/08/2020 6:33 am
AandM and subhubphx liked
jd
 jd
(@jd)
Eminent Member

@ruined-julie

what a beautiful answer.

it is not for me to say whether you are writing too much here. I’d say that is for Emma to decide. But it seems clear to me you should be writing more, somewhere, that your story is likely interesting to some and would likely be thoughtfully presented... preferably in English as my French is limited to that which comes from reading road signs and food packaging when occasionally in Canada. 
I am sometimes struck by the power that anonymity provides in these spaces to reveal about ourselves what friends and family often can’t know.

thx

jd

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Posted : 14/08/2020 8:17 am
subhubphx liked
Emma
 Emma
(@evolvingyourman_ivcr4j)
Member Admin

For the record, I love everyone's contributions and I recognize that everyone has seasons in their life where they want/need to express themselves more or less. I am happy to ebb and flow with all of your seasons and take everyone's content here or in longer form as blog posts. This absolutely includes opinions that I don't necessarily agree with because I believe that it provokes intellectual discourse and conversation. When the site is more active, it certainly motivates me and keeps my thoughts on the site instead of other things like laundry and other household tasks which I certainly appreciate. No matter if you are a daily contributor or lurker, known that I appreciate all of you.

 

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Posted : 14/08/2020 9:01 am
mgablea, subhubphx, Bluesboy and 1 people liked
Vikter
(@vikter)
Trusted Member

@evolvingyourman_ivcr4j

It is nice to be appreciated. And the need to share thoughts does flow with how life is progressing. I know for a fact that my own activity has spiked because we are just beginning this journey in earnest. That makes me want to do more research and take advantage of the fact I can read first hand accounts of success and failures. If I have questions I feel like I can ask and get honest conversation. I hope I can learn enough to get to the point I can temper that knowledge with experience.

In short, the efforts that get put in here by everyone make a great difference and are creating a good place to speak freely. 

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Posted : 15/08/2020 5:41 am
subhubphx
(@subhubphx)
Reputable Member

@ruined-julie

You said:  "For us, male chastity is more than just a game. It is the way of life ....."

Very well said and it sums it up well as a definition of my relationship with my Wife.  

I am just now learning the ins and outs of navigating this well enough and rediscovered your introduction here.  Congratulations to you and your husband for discovering the benefits of orgasm control and chastity.  My wife and i have been practicing orgasm control and chastity for 10 in the context of an acknowledged (exchanged vows in an actual ceremony), loving Wife Led Marriage.  Our lifestyle is not pretend and is not based on a porn-fueled version of BDSM or Dominant/submissive behavior.  It has thus far (knock on wood) provided all of the key ingredients necessary in order to channel my former behavior (too much private masturbation) into a real, constant desire to focus my attention on her and providing pleasure to her in her in all aspects of her life, in whatever way she sees fit.

I came across this small blurb which sums up for me the essence of what Emma, you and the others that are here on this site look to achieve and maintain;

"In most committed long term D/s relationships, it's not role play, there's no role-based 'me superior domme/you lowly sub' thing where you each behave in exaggerated ways because of roles. It's not realistic and it's not sustainable."

It's from an experienced Domme who also has a blog called https://www.domme-chronicles.com/ .  As we all know, there are blogs that are unrealistic and porn-fueled, and then there are "serious" blogs (like this) that are meaningful and populated by reasonable, well adjusted people that have common goals for the good in mind.  Like you, I enjoy exploring this blog immensely for that very reason.

Congratulations to you and your husband on the joy and balance you found in your journey thus far.  Here's to continued happiness discovered as your journey continues.

 

 

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Posted : 26/08/2020 5:49 am
subhubphx
(@subhubphx)
Reputable Member

@ruined-julie

I read with great interest your reply to jd's many questions, and I appreciate your candid answers.  Prior to discovering Emma's wonderful blog, I had private, latent fantasies about the prospect of my Dominant Wife having a lover.  We've all discussed how there is a unique perspective we each give to certain words that exist in our respective worlds.  For me, the perception of cuckold carries with it a scary, albeit unsubstantiated connotation that the cuckold husband is something less of the man his wife needs or wants him to be.  Upon discovering this marvelous sit, and after reading with great interest the stories that Emma and you have shared about having sex with another man, I feel as though I have been enlightened to the unnecessary emotional complexities associated with the notion of my wife having sex with another man (or woman for that matter).

Emma and yourself (and others here I'm sure) have one significant thing in common, in that you each have a male "friend" that isn't your significant other, that you have sex with and with the knowledge and blessing of your mate.  Each of your circumstances seem to exist safely and in the context of your primary relationship, but also both seem to beneficially enhance your primary relationship, for wish I say Bravo!  The difference of course is that your husband seems to crave the humiliation aspect, whereas Kevin does not.  Neither is right or wrong.  Both having the opportunity and ability to be realized is an incredibly good thing for those involved.  Again, Bravo!

My wife and I have had a few small conversations about another person being introduced in our sexual activity.  Nothing deep, nothing really serious but a few conversations nonetheless.  I recall having commented once such a decision would be entirely hers in that it is not a hard limit in our relationship.  For me, I fall into the compersion category that Emma has talked about on occasion.  In that my most beloved sexual activity with my wife ALWAYS includes being able to witness her have amazing sexual experiences that culminate in her having orgasm(s).  She and I have talked about this in this context.  If push were to come to shove, and if I were to be asked would I be able to enjoy the sight and knowledge of my beloved Wife having sex with another person?  I'd say yes.  That said, I'm pretty sure that it would need to completely void of any humiliation and rather be in the context of that other person being somewhat of a human sex toy for her to enjoy.  Clearly we would have to talk through the parameters of such a thing if it were to ever happen, but I believe that I know it would have to anonymous encounters with that individual, and not someone for which a recurring relationship would exist. 

For what it is worth, she and I have never really talked in depth enough about for me to be sure, but I suspect that her natural concern about how another would affect our relationship into the future (maybe even wondering if she could trust herself), overrides what she knows would be a very exciting experience.  I realize that we are not unique in that regard and that trying to balance on the razor thin edge is risky, even scary.  In the end, the old axiom is true, it really does boil down to "be careful what you ask for".  Conversely, another old axiom is also true, complete and effective communication is necessary to be happy. 

We'll see how or if this progresses further, but I can tell you that seeing/hearing the incredibly meaningful and thoughtful stories of both you and Emma gives me hope that my wife will be able to experience another level of sexual joy she has yet to experience.  

Thanks for listening.

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Posted : 26/08/2020 7:20 am
Ruined-Julie
(@ruined-julie)
Trusted Member

@subhubphx

As you say, "Be careful what you wish for." From my point of view (which I developed in another topic about cuckolding on the forum) there's a big step to take between fantasy and the concrete and brutal reality of knowing your partner sleeping with other men.

I must admit that despite the years, I still have trouble understanding the ins and outs of what is going on in my man's head in these moments, yet it's not for lack of trying.

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Topic starter Posted : 26/08/2020 7:58 am
subhubphx liked
subhubphx
(@subhubphx)
Reputable Member

@ruined-julie

Discovering the ins and outs of what is going in each others head is the most exciting part of the journey isn't it?  Enjoy each other and enjoy the ride, wherever it may take both of you.  Congratulations again on your wonderful relationship

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Posted : 26/08/2020 8:21 am
khorina5
(@khorina5)
Eminent Member

Wow, great posts everybody! I'm new to this site but "Bienvenue" @ruined-julie . And thanks to @mstara, wow, great content!

i'd add my male perspective to the alpha/beta and cuckold. i'm naturally submissive to both men and women, so i fit some aspects of the 'beta' (when it's understood as submissive, not as a resentful person). i also admire and have worked for some very alpha men and women, i just feel comfortable teaming up with them. In that sense, i believe the alpha/beta narrative, but i think most people live interchanging these (for example, dealing with bosses and managing employees at the same time). My Queen is naturally a sub, so being sub-sub caused some issues until something finally clicked and now She's the dominant force.

Regarding cuckolding, it is a common fantasy. i renounced to it as my wife is not interested at all, and i have the idea that many of us push our Queens to do it just for our pleasure. In my head, it's about Her feeling empowered; i guess we men get some weird satisfaction on being reaffirmed as subs. i think most of us men are insecure of our position, so that creates some excitement but conflict. Once a man really knows that the connection to his Queen is unique and the way She loves is deeper, i'd think it would be embraced/accepted differently.

i, as a natural sub, look for dominant people for work & socially. So in a sense i suspect my Queen also needs to receive that 'force' from dominants. But we've talked about it and sex is not high in Her list.

 

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Posted : 27/08/2020 2:14 pm
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