Her attention is my addiction
I am on day twenty three of being locked. Each night my wife and I tick off a box in our calendar. Her sexy firefighter calendar. My mind races all month and keeps me in a state of heightened arousal. Thoughtfulness. Introspection.
My favorite thing is not the arousal, my favorite thing is her attention. With the kids and her job, I often feel unappreciated and unimportant. Sometimes I feel like I could be replaced by any bloke with an income to support the family. Her physical but not necessarily sexual attention reminds me that she loves and appreciates me. Rather than the periodic obligated sexual session we have deep intimacy. There isn't a marriage counselor or couples retreat that could give us the level of closeness and intimacy that we've felt this month.
To my wife and I locktober brings love, admiration, respect, appreciation and intimacy. We set aside ten minutes a night for Locktober, that brief amount of time comes out to five hours over the course of October's 31 days. This is time that we focus on each other and the connection that made us fall in love. No phones allowed, no social media allowed. Locktober represents a reconnection that us unlike any other. Thank you for an amazing site and for making this about real intimacy rather than fantasy. No lie this was a challenge for both of us at first but it seems natural now. My drive was a chase to reach orgasm and never about experiencing intimacy and closeness along the way. Her drive was always about pleasing me and helping me reach my orgasm so we could both get back to our important tasks. Kids. Work. Pets. Family. Both of us forgetting that those tasks are mostly unimportant if we don't have each other and can't put each other first. I wish everyone knew this secret.
A growing part of me (not that part) hopes that locktober won't end. Hopefully I can talk her into keeping our locktober intimacy time even if the cage goes into our toybox for a while. I don't want to chase the orgasm anymore, I want to chase her attention and her affection. That has become the addiction that I crave.
Oh and please take a moment to vote five stars for me or leave me a comment.
It sounds like the Locktober magic is happening as advertised. ❤️
What sort of teasing and sexual contact are you enjoying together? If she is spending 10 minutes attending to you every day I can see her growing tired of this arrangement. If this is in fact a two way street, I am overjoyed at the positive changes that you two are feeling in your marriage. Focusing on your marriage first is wise because after the kids are grown it will just be the two of you.
We don't have much sex we are both busy which is why Locktober time together is so novel. My wife claims that she struggles with low sex drive, she doesn't want me to down on her and doesn't really enjoy penetration. When she masturbates she uses a vibrator on her clit for stimulation. Part of our struggle is the lack of sex but our closeness this month shows me the lack of sex isn't what was missing. It was the intimacy. This month she has masturbated with me locked nearly twice a week. Sometimes we make out while she masturbates and sometimes I lie beside her and hold her hand. While physically uncomfortable for me, I love watching her beautiful body move and watching her enjoy orgasms is an exquisite treat. Some nights I massage her and give her attention while we talk. The cage makes touching her body an experience in and of itself. I need to feel her and to touch her when I am locked.
I do know that she masturbates without me even though she claims a low sex drive. I wrap the cord of her vibrator a certain way and when I check it, the cord is wrapped differently. This makes it clear that it is not a lack of desire but a lack of desire for me which make me feel inadequate. I've discussed this with her and although she was hurt and defensive she admitted that she often would rather masturbate than be intimate with me because she just needs to get off. The fact that she would rather meet her sexual needs without me is hurtful and made me feel inadequate.
I think the feelings of inadequacy might be part of what drew me to chastity. The feelings of sexual openness and happiness I've seen this month make it clear that she wasn't feeling connected or attracted to me. We have deeper issues and chastity seems to be a healthy tool to work on those issues together. Our relationship isn't broken but it needs some help and we are getting better about talking through our feelings and unmet needs.
@dad-bod-god Glad to hear you are talking, not talking can leed to a negative spiral and trust me that is a really bad thing. We feeling you discribed can be dangerous if not dealt with.
Talk,talk,talk and be honest
It sounds like you are on a good path but remember that chastity is a great tool for healthy relationships to explore together. It may be able to fix things in certain situations but consider counseling. You used the word inadequacy a few times and based on how you described it, she may have given up on the sexual aspect of your relationship. Counseling may help you both reconnect emotionally. You can share your chastity journey with your counselor especially if he or she is a sex positive therapist. Alternatively you can keep chastity to yourselves and simply use it as a tool to help your emotional side come out.
I read your comments on the blog about what men want from sex and I believe you two are going to get it together but it will take time and patience. I would like to offer some unsolicited advice which we all know is worth what you pay for it. But here goes anyway.
Ninety percent of your time together has nothing to do with sex and everything to do with love. It is important you do not let your sexual frustration creep into your everyday life together. I know this is easier said than done. but you have some things going for you that can help keep you strong. The first is you know you love each other very much because you are both working very hard to make this relationship work at all levels. There are a lot of little things you can do that will help.
1) When you both come home from work give each other a hug and a kiss. Not a big passionate kiss. An affectionate kiss that says I’m glad we both are safe and together again.
2) Share the chores and work together. This maintains a sense of comradery and lets each of you know that you want to share the burdens of raising the kids and keeping the household running smoothly.
3) Make some time to just sit and talk for a few minutes each day. It doesn’t have to be serious talk. Maybe just talk about how your respective days were and listen and support each other. Talk about the things that irritated you and the things that made you smile, the things that drove you crazy and the things that made you feel like a success. There is an amazing non-physical intimacy and sense of connection that comes from just taking a few minutes to share your feelings.
4) In a similar vein, try to find a few minutes each day to just do things together that are fun. If you like board games, maybe you can bring the kids in to play. Try to find something to just enjoy each other’s company. I know these last two items are hard to do because life gets in the way of free time but they are important.
5) When you are talking or just sitting around watching TV or whatever, don’t be afraid to hold her hand. Hand holding is the most under rated form of intimacy. It is non-sexual but it brings a sense of comfort and says I love you and I am glad we are here together.
If you can work these things into your daily routine you will find when you finally get to the bedroom you will be closer and feel a little more connected. so whatever bedroom activities are in store they will start off on a high note.
My second piece of advice is about the bedroom. You need to trust and be totally honest with your therapist. Let her or him know what things are working and what things make one of you uncomfortable. Your wife apparently has some issues with physical intimacy and they could exist for any of a hundred reasons. If you let your therapist lead you, I believe with the strong motivation you both have you will overcome your bedroom problem. Please be patient with her and know always she wants to be able to please you in the bedroom as well as the other ninety percent of the time. You will get there.