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Dan
 Dan
(@dan)
Active Member

Hi everyone,

I am a man in my 30s, married for a few years with young kids.

I suppose I fall into the typical bucket of men who strongly desire that their wife was aware of this lifestyle and would adopt it wholeheartedly, but are too insecure or afraid to ask directly through fear of rejection.

I have had orgasm denial as a fantasy as long as I can remember and ironically it is the thing that I have frequently masturbated to over the course of my adult life and marriage, which I have never admitted and even said that I don’t masturbate. However, this is an unsatisfying reality as it pales in comparison to the idea of living this fantasy with my wife, as a true form of intimacy. My only expression of this to her has been to always be forthcoming to give her oral sex (she always has an orgasm during this) and sometimes try to offer to forgo my orgasms during sex (and sometimes I just try to ignore my pleasure entirely) but my wife always finishes me off. I am often desperate to be denied but cannot vocalise it.

Her reaction to me vocalising this in the past (not referring to denial per se, rather just trying to offer to not orgasm by indicating it doesn’t bother me not to have one) has been to say that it is weird for a man not to want to climax. This indicates that she is probably not open-minded when it comes to sex and sexuality, and this discourages me from having a frank discussion with her on it, or even any discussion about alternative approaches to pleasure. Our communication around sex is quite limited - she often talks about trying new positions which I always oblige but never has suggested anything non-vanilla. I am almost 100% sure she doesn’t masturbate or fantasise as she has never mentioned it and when I check her browser history in the hope of finding something a bit deviant is full of practical searches and celebrity gossip pages. Further evidence of this is that she asked after a particularly good oral session with me what I had done differently and I mentioned that I had done some research - she admitted she never does any research.

My wife is a very strong character with unwavering principles. She has a very good heart and always seeks to do the right thing, and I love and respect her. She also demands a lot of me in terms of trying to organise our household and this is the area I often fall short in, as I am not a natural planner. One of our frequent arguments is that I don’t help her think ahead. She is a high-earning professional (as am I) and has considerable family wealth. All our shared earnings are pooled together and she has her own family wealth in a separate account. She makes all of the financial decisions (and this happens to turn me on). She does the clothes washing. My roles are cooking our food, emptying the dishwasher, taking out the bins and fixing things. We have a cleaner who does the rest. Our free time is mostly taken up by childcare.

The other thing you should know about us is that we practise a Jewish religious observance which involves us separating physically for around 12 days during menstruation and the week after. In our earlier marriage days we were more observant and we adopted this practice at my suggestion on the basis that the time apart would keep things fresh. To some degree it has worked because it has meant our sex life always has a reboot every 4 weeks. I also thought it would lead to sexual tension during our “off period” and cause some excitement, akin to denial. However, the reality is that we don’t have much more than practical interactions during that time and it’s akin to being locked away and ignored (which Emma speaks about as the worst case for a man in the FLR lifestyle), with no sexual tension. Shortly into our marriage I began masturbating during this time to keep my spirits up (and deal with stress as many men do), which hasn’t helped matters in terms of my readiness for sex.

Recently I have decided that in order to feel fulfilled in my life I have to do something about these sexual needs. As a first step I have taken it upon myself to foreswear masturbation during our “off” period and to do this I bought myself a chastity device. I can definitely understand how this is not fun when it’s done completely solo, but it has reduced the opportunity for masturbation on a whim, though the temptation is very present. Our last “on” period of 16 days involved 3 orgasms apiece in 3 sessions, but mine were tinged as usual with the dissatisfaction of the rise and sudden dropping off a cliff of my pent-up sexual energy in a matter of 20 minutes or so.

We are next “on” again in 5 or 6 days’ time.

Given all the above (and apologies for rambling), I would be extremely grateful for advice from both women and men on how I can try to bring the semen retention element into our lives without risk of being completely  rejected or her being turned off the idea forever.

Thanks in advance!

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Topic starter Posted : 13/04/2021 1:59 pm
Emma
 Emma
(@evolvingyourman_ivcr4j)
Member Admin
Posted by: @dan

Her reaction to me vocalising this in the past (not referring to denial per se, rather just trying to offer to not orgasm by indicating it doesn’t bother me not to have one) has been to say that it is weird for a man not to want to climax. This indicates that she is probably not open-minded when it comes to sex and sexuality, and this discourages me from having a frank discussion with her on it, or even any discussion about alternative approaches to pleasure.

I don't necessarily agree but I'd ask the question, are you fantasizing about forgoing your orgasm as an "offering" to her or are you doing it to satisfy your own fetish. Neither answer is wrong but I think there is a level of self awareness necessary. Is your fetish selflessly satisfying her at the expense of your own pleasure or is it simply a showing of respect and appreciation for her. Just a point to ponder.

The Jewish separation of man and woman during menstruation and the week after was news to me. Very interesting tradition, I'll have to learn more about it.

Welcome to the site, we look forward to hearing more.

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Posted : 13/04/2021 4:51 pm
Dan
 Dan
(@dan)
Active Member

@evolvingyourman_ivcr4j

Hi Emma,

Thanks for your response. That’s a difficult question but to me it is hard to separate the my fetish, its motivation, and the consequence.

I would say that undoubtedly the fetish (if we can call it that) came first, and I know with 100% certainty that it gives me great pleasure. This is intrinsically linked with wanting to feel submissive to her and trying to elevate her within our wider relationship (which again this is part of the fetish) The question of whether it is an offering to her and whether it is seen as an act of respect and appreciation is surely dependent on her and whether she sees it as such?

I would be very interested to understand more about your question.

From all my research it seems like introducing such a dynamic only works if it is mutually satisfying to both partners, and of course I absolutely want her to be satisfied and more. I feel that there are 3 possibilities here:

1) She is never going to be open to any of this and will reject the proposition whatever I say

2) She is open to this but I don’t use the right approach to introduce it, so we are back to square one 

3) She is open to this and I find the right approach to introduce it

It all rather frightening because it feels like I have one shot at this and the prospect of failure is almost unthinkable.

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Topic starter Posted : 13/04/2021 10:40 pm
Husband32
(@husband32)
Active Member

It seems like your situation is not very unlike our situation a couple of years ago. The first time I approached my wife about chastity, she thought it was the wierdest thing. Now she wants to practice chastity permanently (meaning - she controlling my sexuality and releases for the rest of our lives). Tables has turned, now I am the one who feels a little scared (yet very lucky!!).

I really think you should talk to your wife, and the sooner the better. It is difficult to say how you should approach the topic. You are the one who knows her. Of course it is scary as hell, but from what you write you need to just tell her. Remember, she loves you and wants you to be happy. Of course you should use tact, but first and formost be 100 % honest. Explain to her that you are tired of hiding this big part of your sexuality.

Perhaps you could start by confessing that you in fact for years have been a chronic masturbator. Ask her how she feels about it. If it makes her sad, tell her that your are really sorry too. Ask her if there is anything you can do to make up for it. Also tell her about the daily struggle. I remember the first time I told my wife how I normally feel after 1 day (ok), 2 days( build-up), 3 days (very horny), 4 days (extremely horny), 5 days (utterly desperate), etc..., it changed her view of my sexuality overnight.

If your wife (like my wife, 2 years ago) doesn't care whether you masturbate or not, explain to her how it would make you feel (romantically and emotionally) if she was the only one who could please you. Perhaps she will find it romantic too, when you have explained your feelings? (Isn't it very romantic and intimate for any man to connect all of his sexuality and pleasure to his wife alone?) Also talk about how your habbits could affect your love life.

You mention Jewish tradition. I come from a Christian background (which of course is similar in many ways). In both Judaism and certain Christian traditions, as well as in Islam and several eastern religions, masturbation is often regarded as something you should avoid (whether it is considered "a sin" or not), and self control is regarded a virtue. I love what you write about abstaining during her period and thus keeping the spark. Although I believe this view is strongest in Judaism, I know there are Christian and Islamic traditions that held similar views.

However, it should be pretty clear that simply pausing sex and masturbate instead is totally ineffective when it comes to keeping the spark, and would probably decrease (rather that increase) intimacy. If she agrees to not having sex in order to keep the spark, I guess she would like you to abstain from masturbating? If so, would she be willing to support and encourage you? If you choose to show her your cage (as I think you should in a not too distant future), maybe she well see its merit as a tool to help you overcome the struggle? And who knows, perhaps she eventually will support you by taking the key? 🙂

When it comes to sex that doesn't lead to you ejaculating, I would again explain how I felt about it. For me, I feel like sex is one of the strongest expressions of love, and forgetting about my own release and focusing on her pleassure alone make me feel like the most romantic, loving, caring, strong and manly sex-god. It is actually not even that kinky, if you think about it.

Perhaps it would be wise to dump everything in her lap at once, as it might be a little overwhelming for her. That said, waiting for the perfect moment or the perfect approach will probably keep you waiting forever. Just do it.

You cannot control the outcome. Perhaps it will even seem disasterous at first. I know I did a lot of "mistakes" when first approaching the topic, and my wife was very reluctant. But it kick-started the conversations that led us to where we are today. It has been a long road (it took a couple of years of continous conversations), but my only regret is not starting the conversations earlier. 

One last ting. I was very honest with my  (both about my fantasies, as well as about my masturbation habbits and how I saw it affecting our love life). But equally important, I never pushed her. I assured her that I loved her just the same, and wanted to be with her forever, no matter how she responded to my wishes. And I really meant it. I wanted to submit to her sexually. If that mean not practicing chastity - it would make me sad, but if it made her happy I was okay with it.

I will warmly recommend this article: http://gweninlove.blogspot.com/2012/03/fulfilled-fantasy-male-chastity-device.html From the persepective of a religious and farily conservative yet open-minded couple, from a female perspectie.

ReplyQuote
Posted : 14/04/2021 5:14 am
Husband32
(@husband32)
Active Member

@dan 
Also I sincerely believe that many or even most woman will find male chastity romantic, fun and fulfilling if they just gave it a try. No pressure for sex, an attentive and devoted man always ready to focus on her (in and outside bedroom), a happy and emotionally fulfilled partner... Not a bad deal?

It doesn't even need to be that kinky. Again: religious people from different traditions have in reality practiced something like male chastity for centuries, without seeing it as a kink. Don't tell me none of those Jewish, Islamic, Christian, Buddhist (or others...) wifes would kiss their husbands teasingly, or even lightly touch their penises, and tell them "only 6 more days, dear"! and then smile as they saw their rock hard erection. Don't tell me no Christian male got an instant erection when sitting in church and hearing Pauls first letter to the Corithians being quoted: "husband does not have the right over his own body, but his wife does..." That stuff can make most men a little submissive and kinky, even though they would never use those modern terms...

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Posted : 14/04/2021 5:33 am
Dan
 Dan
(@dan)
Active Member

@husband32
Wow. Thanks for the detailed response here. It certainly fills me with hope that this might all work out in the end. If anything just “coming out” on a forum such as this is maybe part of the way forward. And in the end, it may just be a case of having the balls (pun intended) to be vulnerable and honest. I will have a more detailed review of the link you sent me and respond in a bit more detail later.

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Topic starter Posted : 14/04/2021 5:51 am
Husband32
(@husband32)
Active Member

@dan Starting chastity lifestyle with my wife has meant so much to me, so if I can be to any help or encouragement I am very happy. (And sorry if I was a little too wordy... 🙂 )

Yes, I believe there is a good chance your wife would become happy to control your releases in the future. And I believe there is an even greater chance of her greatly appreciating you being honest and vulnerable about your desires.

Best of luck! I would love to hear an update from you, when you finally get the guts to talk to her! 🙂

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Posted : 14/04/2021 6:35 am
Emma
 Emma
(@evolvingyourman_ivcr4j)
Member Admin
Posted by: @dan

I would be very interested to understand more about your question.

From all my research it seems like introducing such a dynamic only works if it is mutually satisfying to both partners, and of course I absolutely want her to be satisfied and more. I feel that there are 3 possibilities here:

1) She is never going to be open to any of this and will reject the proposition whatever I say

The act of locking the cock has very little appeal to most women so I agree. The resulting behavior of a locked cock however is very appealing. The question for her will likely be your intention. Are you doing this to be a better partner or are you doing this because you are some sort of weird pervert (her words not mine 🤣 ).

2) She is open to this but I don’t use the right approach to introduce it, so we are back to square one 

Yep, I agree. It is very difficult to show the benefits of something like this without doing it. You go through a psychological change as your mind shifts while you are locked up. Furthermore, this change takes a few days for your subconscious to kick in which makes it even more difficult starting out. 

3) She is open to this and I find the right approach to introduce it

Fully open communication tends to be the best way. Expose her to a blog or two that explains the purpose behind it and the whole picture of what you are proposing.

It all rather frightening because it feels like I have one shot at this and the prospect of failure is almost unthinkable.

I understand but don't build it up to be more than it is. You've been looking at this for months, perhaps years and she is new to it. Consider that you may have more than one opportunity and she may need to ease the idea into her mind. You are in your 30s with young kids and you are both probably quite busy. She may see this as yet another thing that she needs to add to her task list. Approach this as something that will help you be more helpful with household tasks and shift your desire to please her from a conscious effort to a more subconscious effort.

If she says no, respect her decision and bring it up again in the future if and when the time seems appropriate.

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Posted : 14/04/2021 10:10 am
Emma
 Emma
(@evolvingyourman_ivcr4j)
Member Admin
Posted by: @husband32

I will warmly recommend this article: http://gweninlove.blogspot.com/2012/03/fulfilled-fantasy-male-chastity-device.html /a> From the persepective of a religious and farily conservative yet open-minded couple, from a female perspectie.

I really enjoyed that blog, thank you for sharing.

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Posted : 14/04/2021 10:18 am
Dan
 Dan
(@dan)
Active Member
@evolvingyourman_ivcr4j
Hi Emma, thank you for your advice and for giving such a warm welcome to your site.
 
I think the main issues she will have are:
1) thinking this is totally weird and some Freudian disorder relating to my upbringing that needs psychiatric help
2) being hurt by my admission of copious extra-coital masturbation having told her that I had stopped when we started dating (I actually managed to go without it for almost 2 years until I was triggered by a Christian sex blog which discussed T&D - I was looking for a kosher way to spice things up in the bedroom and you’ll be surprised to know that nothing really exists in the traditional Jewish internet world that deals with alt-ish sex). 
3) not seeing any benefit for her - another thing for her to organise etc
 
There we have a triple whammy of obstacles.
 
1 is almost inevitable and my strategy would be to furnish her with a list of blog posts which explain the idea but avoid as much kink terminology as possible (semen retention as opposed to orgasm denial, benefits to the woman as opposed to fulfilling male fetishes). I will start to compile such a list.
 
2 is almost inevitable and this might have longer term implications regarding trust. Chastity is an obvious solution but that might be the last thing she would take as penance. I would be happy with the honour system and maybe I start with that as a good first step towards chastity. Although I guess we had an honour system in place which I have flagrantly violated...
 
3 is tricky as I already do what I believe to be my fair share of chores, but I can look for more. We have a housekeeper/nanny starting soon so opportunities here might be limited. I know she likes downtime at the weekends during our crazy days with the kids - I can do more to facilitate this. My worry there is that she challenges the idea that sex should be a motivation to do more of this rather than love or duty. Sex itself is an area I think I can do more to try to show her that her pleasure can be greater:
  • She has complained I don’t initiate enough - well I would if I wasn’t having so many orgasms
  • She has complained she can’t always feel me inside her - if I’m abstaining I will always be rock hard and if that’s still not enough (yes I can take her telling me I’m not the largest down there) I will offer to wear a skin or harness or offer to employ a large dildo 
  • She wants to try new positions - we can try whatever she wants if I am always game
  • NB she doesn’t ever want to be affectionate in bed unless sex is on the cards - not sure if this is because she has mentioned in the past she doesn’t want to get turned on, or because she doesn’t want to turn me on unless sex is on the cards. If it’s the latter then I’m good - not sure how to deal with the former.
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Topic starter Posted : 14/04/2021 1:11 pm
Emma liked
Dan
 Dan
(@dan)
Active Member

@husband32

Great article - thanks

If we’re quoting scripture (and I am more of an Old Testament sort of guy) then check our Proverbs 31:10-31 for the poem, a Woman of Valour. This is traditionally sung by Jewish husbands to their wives (in the original Hebrew) on the Sabbath eve and although there are some traditional gender roles in there, when I sing it, these selected verses have always spoken to how I view my wife:

(10) A woman of valour who can find? For her price is far above rubies. (11) The heart of her husband safely trusts in her, And he has no lack of gain. (12) She does him good and not evil all the days of her life. (17) She girds her loins with strength, And makes strong her arms. (18) She perceives that her merchandise is good; Her lamp goes not out by night.(20) She stretches out her hand to the poor; Yea, she reaches forth her hands to the needy. (21) She is not afraid of the snow for her household; For all her household are clothed with scarlet. (22) ... Her clothing is fine linen and purple. (25) Strength and dignity are her clothing; And she laughs at the time to come. (26) She opens her mouth with wisdom; And the law of kindness is on her tongue. (27) She looks well to the ways of her household. (28) Her children rise up, and call her blessed; Her husband also, and he praises her: (29) ’Many women have done valiantly, But you rise above them all.’ (31) Give her of the fruit of her hands; And let her works praise her in the gates.

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Topic starter Posted : 14/04/2021 1:49 pm
Emma liked
Emma
 Emma
(@evolvingyourman_ivcr4j)
Member Admin

I think it was said best in the old testament:

נעל את איבר מינו בכלוב

 

Edit: Fun fact, I didn't know if the bible was written originally in Hebrew or Aramaic when I made my comment above so I googled it. Turns out that 268 verses of the old testament were written in Aramaic and the rest was written in Hebrew. I am sure that many of you already knew this, especially those that are more religious than I am. I found it interesting so I figured that I would share it.

This post was modified 1 month ago by Emma
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Posted : 14/04/2021 2:13 pm
LocknKey liked
Dan
 Dan
(@dan)
Active Member

@evolvingyourman_ivcr4j

Ah yes, the 11th commandment - right after not being covetous. Quite fitting actually as a way of being less covetous! 🤣 

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Topic starter Posted : 14/04/2021 2:47 pm
LocknKey
(@locknkey)
Active Member
Posted by: @dan
@evolvingyourman_ivcr4j
 
 
She has complained she can’t always feel me inside her - if I’m abstaining I will always be rock hard and if that’s still not enough (yes I can take her telling me I’m not the largest down there) I will offer to wear a skin or harness or offer to employ a large dildo.
 
NB she doesn’t ever want to be affectionate in bed unless sex is on the cards - not sure if this is because she has mentioned in the past she doesn’t want to get turned on, or because she doesn’t want to turn me on unless sex is on the cards. If it’s the latter then I’m good - not sure how to deal with the former.

So her saying she can't feel you is a kink that goes along with chastity for some people.  I wouldn't mind my wife saying such things but she doesn't want to hurt my feelings.

If your lady isn't affectionate unless intercourse follows, I think this will be an issue if she needs to tease you while you are locked up.  I have told my wife that I have felt a bit lonely when she doesn't even acknowledge that that I am wearing it. Attentiveness is one of the main reasons I am aroused by chastity play.  That and controlling my addictions.

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Posted : 14/04/2021 3:04 pm
Dan
 Dan
(@dan)
Active Member

@locknkey

You can think of it as a kink but I don’t think a kink is activated in a relationship unless you’re both engaged with it.

It becomes an active kink when she says it because she knows it doesn’t hurt your feelings and knows and enjoys that you feel that twinge of humiliation which turns you on.

In my case I think she said it because it’s just true and she can be quite blunt. Then I got turned on by the possibility of alternative forms of intercourse not directly involving contact with my penis, but that was entirely within my inner monologue.

Yes I can imagine the disappointment of being locked up and ignored - and there’s an associated fear that me being whiny and needy to get that attention completely turns her off.

How does it go with your wide? Is she sometimes into it and sometimes not? What factors do you think affects this situation?

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Topic starter Posted : 14/04/2021 3:30 pm
LocknKey liked
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