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Nervous. Help.

CuriousCouple
(@curiouscouple)
New Member

Hi. My husband and I love this site. your blogs give us great topics to keep our conversations strong. On the topic of conversation about non monogamy last night I became nervous for some reason. My husband is great and he is excellent in bed but my desire for him is nothing like it was when we first met. When we have sex, it is about getting off and not about exploring passion or arousal. I feel aroused but sex with him is almost like masturbation in that the arousal comes from a very mechanical place. The touching is the same, the kissing is the same. My body responds sexually because it knows the sex routine. 

He and I want to try exploring a passionate non-monogamy experience but I am very nervous about it. My hope is that it might be a more chemical experience like you've described. I know he supports me and just wants me to enjoy myself and feel sexual pleasure but I am nervous and can't even explain the reasons why. It just seems like I shouldn't do it. Help.

Quote
Topic starter Posted : 12/08/2021 8:45 am
J.S.
 J.S.
(@j-s)
Trusted Member

This is a big decision. I'd suggest role playing for a bit to make sure it is what you both want. Consider also just spicing things up by changing the routine. 

Obviously pegging is a great way to spice things up if you guys haven't done that. A few others to consider: 

1) Wear a blind fold and pretend he isn't your husband - have him wear completely different deodorant or after shave to change his smell. Remind him not to do things the same --- be different. 

2) Let him tie you up and blindfold you - have him bring "another man" into the room to have sex with you while you are tied up and helpless. This man should be more rough than your husband ever is - spanking you and pulling your hair. He should leave a hickey or two on your breasts to mark you as his own so every time your husband sees you for the next few weeks he remembers the way you were used.  

3) Try the girlfriend game where you go to a bar or club alone at first and just flirt with men. Then your husband comes in later and you "choose" him for the night. Tease him some by not immediately responding to his advances but instead allowing yourself to flirt with another man in front of him.

3) A more advanced one: Spend some time getting dressed up and tell him tonight might be the night you experience another man. Buy condoms and carry them in your purse. Before you get home make sure your hair is messed up and your makeup is smudged - come home later than expected and see how he reacts to all of that. If you really want to mess with him then while you are out open up one of the condoms and throw it away - you can then either give him the empty wrapper when you get home or just leave it in your purse and see if he notices. 

ReplyQuote
Posted : 13/08/2021 7:30 am
lil c
(@lil-c)
Eminent Member

I agree with JS.  There's nothing wrong with consensual/ethical non-monogamy, but it doesn't seem that you've exhausted experimentation and variety with your husband.  You say, "The touching is the same, the kissing is the same."  Instead of depending on him to change it up, take the responsibility for initiating that yourself.

You are free to modify the agreement and understanding you have between you.  A vow of "forsaking all others" applies only until you mutually agree that it doesn't.

However, unless you are determined to open your relationship to sexual activity involving others, I suggest that you and your husband first try the mojo upgrade test.  It's free and anonymous.

https://mojoupgrade.com/

You independently answer a series of questions about what interests you sexually and what doesn't, and it identifies the common elements.  If either of you identifies a hard limit, it won't show up in the results of things you should try.  You will likely find that there are a few things that you are both really curious to try that you never have and likely never discussed.

 

 

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Posted : 14/08/2021 11:32 am
nevertoolate and J.S. liked
williamportor
(@williamportor)
Estimable Member
Posted by: @curiouscouple

Hi. My husband and I love this site. your blogs give us great topics to keep our conversations strong. On the topic of conversation about non monogamy last night I became nervous for some reason. My husband is great and he is excellent in bed but my desire for him is nothing like it was when we first met. When we have sex, it is about getting off and not about exploring passion or arousal. I feel aroused but sex with him is almost like masturbation in that the arousal comes from a very mechanical place. The touching is the same, the kissing is the same. My body responds sexually because it knows the sex routine. 

He and I want to try exploring a passionate non-monogamy experience but I am very nervous about it. My hope is that it might be a more chemical experience like you've described. I know he supports me and just wants me to enjoy myself and feel sexual pleasure but I am nervous and can't even explain the reasons why. It just seems like I shouldn't do it. Help.

Like many other things, you'll never know if non - monogamy works for you until you try it.

You might consider a gradual approach, such as the 3 of you going out to dinner together, with you sitting next to your "date" After awhile, if you're comfortable with this, you can proceed to more intimate encounters. Give it time though. One bad date does not mean it's not for you.  

ReplyQuote
Posted : 15/08/2021 9:36 am

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