Domineering Wife who does not want sex

Posted by: @min976

I am new here but I have read a lot of the content here.  I am looking for wisdom from others in a wife led marriage.  My wife and I are in our 50's.  My wife has always been bossy, wants to control the marriage, control finances, and wants to keep tabs on me at all times.  I do all the housecleaning, most of the cooking, and I work full time.  My wife does not work.  I enjoy being sub but my submission is connected to my sexuality. The problem is that after menopause my wife no longer desires any sex at all. 

So I try to find ways to have fun with sex without any sex from my wife.  Not easy.  I bought some bondage toys and she will occasionally restrain and spank me if I ask her nicely.  We do honor system orgasm denial but that was all my idea.  She teases my Co** with a vibrator but only when I initaite it.  All the kinky things I enjoy is a result of me topping from the bottom.

So I am considering just stopping the orgasm denial.  Maybe just masturbate twice a day so my sex drive becomes as low as hers.  Going a month without an orgasm gets me really horny and my wife doesn't want ANY type of sex.  Maybe I stop doing all the housecleaning and cooking.  Maybe stop cleaning up after her and answering her summons to get her things.  Maybe keep my money in my own bank account.  A submissive husband revolt.

The sad thing is that she is clearly dominant and I would enjoy being sub to her if we were still intimate.  She does love me but wants no sex.  She just says she is old and doesn't want sex anymore.  She is only 52.  I know this does happen to some women after menopause.

Any advise?  I think there is no good advise for my situation.  She just doesn't care for sex.  The intercourse stopped years ago and now she will not let me give her oral sex anymore.  The submission is not fun anymore.

 

 

JMHO - If your wife wants to remain in control, and you're happy being the sub, I'd say she should continue to be your chastity cage keyholder, and restrict your orgasms for several reasons: 1. The key to a locked chastity cage is a wonderful motivating tool a dominant wife can use to keep her sub male behaving as she wishes, 2. Men over 50 generally masturbate too much, and longer periods of enforced chastity will raise your energy level. 3. It is possible, with some gentle foreplay your wife's interest in sex may return one day. Any of these reasons alone is a good argument for keeping you locked.    

Hello Min 976.....I would suggest that that you encourage your wife to look into hormone therapy.  I'm 57 and the wife is almost 52.  Although the last few months have been a little unimaginative, we generally have frequent sex of one kind or another.  With modern medicine, there is no reason why mature couples can't continue an active sex life well into there 60's and 70's.  Both I and Ms A had early hormone deficiencies, so have both been on treatments for over 10 years.  Saved our sexual relationship and our marriage.

@min976, 

I’m in a very similar situation. My wife is now 60, and I’m 59. After having two kids, she withdrew all sex and physical intimacy from our marriage in December 2007, almost 14 years ago if you can believe it. 

It’s been very challenging obviously, and I don’t have all the answers for you. I’ve struggled but have been very firm that I wasn’t going to cheat on her or ask for a divorce, because the code I live by doesn’t allow cheating and I love her too much to get divorced. 

So currently, I’m locked in self-chastity 24x7, have shaved my pubic hair completely, have played a couple of times with a remote controlled vibrating butt plug, just bought a couple of pairs of thong panties, and am chatting with a few dommes online via Google Hangouts (nothing too outrageous). 

But it’s kind of sad. I’m convinced that my wife is unable to meet my physical and emotional needs for intimacy, but I don’t want to give up on her and our marriage. So I’m not calling it a day, but I’m having to get more and more creative about where I am able to find an outlet for these needs. 

Nice to see some thoughtful replies.  I will consider all the good advise.

I do not use a chastity device.  Neither me or my wife wants that.  I do just fine on the honor system (so far).  I could orgasm in a chastity device using a vibrator so it's the honor system either way.

The intercourse stopped when our wife led marriage started.  She informed me then that she doesn't enjoy intercourse and there will be no more.  I was Ok with that.  In a way it kind of turned me on.  Then about a year ago she said she no longer enjoys cunnilingus and then that stopped.  She still enjoyed having her ass licked after I bathe her (rimming).  I was Ok with that.  I enjoyed it and it put me in sub space.  It was enough.  Now she has put a stop to that.  I know she enjoyed the rimming because she would tell me when to stop and sometimes it went on for 20 minutes or more.  Maybe I should just give it time and wait for the right moment (her mood) and have a real discussion about it.  

You only live once.  I love pleasing a woman orally.  I am not going to go the rest of my life without that.  I think at some point I will let that be known to my wife if the situation doesn't improve.  It doesn't necessarily have to lead to divorce.  There are plenty of women on this website who cuck their husband.  So why shouldn't a husband who gets zero sex from his wife be able to find a sexual partner?  Maybe my wife would be Ok with that.  You never know.

Hey Min 976....just a few thoughts.  None of this is intended to be harsh in any way, so please don't take it as such.

1)  You definitely need to understand what your wife is thinking and feeling.  I suspect the answer is not as simple as "I don't enjoy it".  The only way to really find that out is ask her.  You really need to understand the underlying reasons sex of any kind is no longer on the table.  Just remember, you may not like the honest answer.  I personally believe that a marriage simply cant survive with no intimacy at all.  I suspect you are of a similar mind.  If there is still love in the marriage, this needs to be addressed before its too late.  Open a really good bottle of wine, ask her to sit, pour 2 glasses, and simply begin talking.  Find a spark and work from there.  Make sure she knows you still love her, that you still want her, that you still need her, and that you still desire her every day.

2)  Honor system chastity is basically you denying yourself with no commitment from her at all.  From the outside looking in, if she truly wants YOU to be chaste, she should at least be willing to hold the key, and her insist on the cage.  Her participation is absolutely necessary if she is truly interested in maintaining the relationship.  From your short description, it honestly doesn't seem that she is.  Find out why!  An FLR should bring you closer together, rather than become an excuse to ignore you and the relationship.  This is a question worth asking both yourself and your wife.  Again, see No 1.  If the FLR was your idea, and she didn't really embrace it or want it, then that may very well be the source of the problem.  If so, you need to find that out.

3) I don't recommend suggesting to her that you go outside your marriage for sexual needs.  The minute that begins, possibly the minute you mention it, any hope of salvaging your relationship with your wife is over.  As a reformed womanizer (in my youth) I know full well how easily emotions are formed during intimacy.  Created more than one breakup before my eventual marriage to Miss A.  Long story short, don't go outside your marriage unless you intend to abandon it.  Again, not knowing the history of your relationship, this is an "outside looking in" comment.  Were you swingers at one point? Has one party, or both, had affairs?  Was there ever a vibrant marital sexual relationship to begin with?  Any of these issues cloud the water immensely.

Again...I apologize if any of this comes off as mean spirited.  These are the thoughts and questions I would want posed to me under similar conditions.  I'm no stranger to frustration but I try each and every day to improve my relationship with Miss A.  Its never easy, and yes I do most of the heavy lifting, but I love Miss A...as I suspect you love your wife.  It's worth it.

Good Luck!

@msangelassub

You are not too harsh.  I asked for advise and you were kind enough to take the time to give it.  Here is my reponse to your 1, 2, 3

1.  She has talked about it over the past year. She does not change her answer.  She says she is old and doesn't enjoy being licked anymore and doesn't want intercourse.  So, everything has gradually come to a halt.  If there are any other reasons, then she doesn't reveal them.  That doesn't mean she can't change.

2.  She doesn't want a key. We talked about a chastity cage.  She thinks they are unhealthy and doesn't want me wearing one.  I don't want to wear one either.  They are uncomfortable and leave a big bulge in my pants.  I like wearing panties and form fitting clothing. 

Yes, you are right - if I decided to masturbate every day she could care less as long as she remains in charge of the marriage.  I like the orgasm denial because I enjoy being aroused and it motivates me to do housework and obey my wife.  She does tease me whenever I ask.  She will stop teasing on her own and I do warn her if I am getting close.  But I think this is all just to please me.

3.  She likes all aspects of the FLR except for the sex part.  For example, she has always wanted to control the finances and wanted to keep tabs on where I am and what I am doing.  If she doesn't like a friend I have then she will forbid me from seeing them.  If she wants me to help her with something I must stop what I am doing and give my attention to her, or she will be angry.  and so on.....  She has always wanted me to obey her.  She says the wife is boss and she means it.  Before the FLR we fought a lot.  Our marriage is much better after I stopped resisting her authority and started obeying her.  There was a long adjustment period but now our roles are clearly defined, and we have harmony in our marriage for the most part.   I knew her dominant nature when we married.  I have always been attracted to strong women.  I have always had fantasies about being dominated sexually by strong women. 

No, we were never swingers. I would never go for the cuck thing - that's a big turn off for me.  Before the FLR we just had vanilla intercourse and I think neither one of us really enjoyed that.  She has never given me oral sex and says she never will.  There was a period after the FLR started where she enjoyed receiving oral sex.  I hope we can get back to that.

You did get me thinking.  I need to find ways to get her interested in sex again.  I view sex as fun and view giving oral sex as a submissive act.  Maybe I need to try and be more romantic.  Honestly, I don't feel romantic with sex especially with orgasm control (horny all the time).  Sex is fun and exciting for me.  I like sex games like bondage.  This may be the problem with my wife.

Simple advice - buy her this book: "Better than I Ever Expected, Straight Talk About Sex After Sixty" by Joan Price.  The author is wonderful and a well-known.  This particular book is recommended by many couples' counselors to those in your situation.

Buy two copies, one for your wife, and read the other one yourself.  Even if your wife doesn't read it, you will have tried, and reading it yourself will likely give you some ideas.

Embracing resentment and expanding the rift between you two, which is the blueprint you have proposed, is not a winning strategy for the 20-40 remaining years you will spend together.  Keep this in mind - the wedding vow you exchanged "...to have and to hold...from this day forward, for as long as we both shall live" (or words to that effect) merely meant that there would be some sex.  It didn't commit her or either of you to a particular frequency, schedule, intensity, number of orgasms, or series of positions.  There has been some sex - she kept her vow but perhaps only in the most minimal way, now having withdrawn from sex with you completely.  There is a chance she will regain her interest, but you have to make it an appealing prospect for her.  Your resentment and withdrawing what you contribute to the relationship isn't going to sweeten the deal for her in any way.  It's not sex-positive.

What would make sex with you attractive to her?  Only the two of you can know that, and if you approach it with a positive attitude, I'm sure this is a puzzle you can solve.  After you've given her a chance to read the book, you could remind her of the "to have and to hold" lifetime vow you both made to each other.  However, I recommend using that only as a last resort.  Reminded that you did promise each other this "until death do us part," at the very least, she'll have to come up with a better reason than: "I no longer feel like it."

I am stopping the chastity and wife led marriage fetish.  It has turned into a fetish.  I discussed this with my wife and she just wants a normal marriage. Yes she is bossy and likes to be in charge but she doesn't want to be in charge of sex and when I orgasm.  She doesn't want a sub as I define it (sexual sub).  She thinks it's better if I masturbate as often as I like and I agree.  The root of the no sex problem is because I turned it into this orgasm denial game and she doesn't want that anymore.