Notifications
Clear all
Topic starter
I said I would tell you about what happened Saturday morning. I hadn’t mentioned it in my first post because it wasn’t on my mind when I wrote that. It is something that puts me on an emotional roller coaster when it happens though.
This is about “playtime” but I have some very serious questions at the end. I chose to write about it because we just had a session this weekend, the first time in over six months. This is the longest break yet. I started to write about how we got to where we are and realized it was going to be book length. LOL I changed my mind and will just write about our sessions as they are now. If anybody really needs some reading material to go to sleep by let me know and I will be happy to finish writing the whole story. (-:
First you need to know that Dave does not consider himself submissive at all. He sees us as teammates and I am the quarterback who calls the plays. He has unlimited input and occasionally persuades me to try or not try something new but I always have the last word and he accepts that. Playtime is a different story. It is done at his initiation and everything we do is something he wants done. It is probably more intense and painful than most punishments. Mind you I get turned on and feel an immense sense of power but that is not the point. It is all about Dave. It happens as often as every three months and normally no longer than five months. It almost always happens when we are scheduled to have our intercourse, which makes sense because he knows he is about to get to make love to me. I have learned to spot the signs the night before that say it is about to happen. He will start to help around the house to the point of being annoying. He will lose his optimism. He will get down on himself and feel inadequate. He starts being self-deprecating like he was about his relationship with women when we first met. He won’t even want me to kiss him. He will just want to hold me. Saturday morning he will tell me “he needs me to own him.” I sometimes beat him to the punch and ask him if I can have playtime. When I initiate, the wording is important. You also need to know that Dave normally has a low tolerance for pain.
We have built a mini play center in the basement. Dave built a lockable storage room (at least that is what we told the twins.) It has a wide bench that has leg/foot rests like a gynecology exam chair with Velcro straps to secure his feet and a strap under the bench to secure his waist and arms to the bench. There is a sturdy chair for me and a comfortable cot for the cool down/loving period that follows the session.
So Thursday night there were a few signs and Friday morning he didn’t want me to kiss him goodbye before leaving for work. Friday night all the signs were there. Saturday morning as soon as he woke up he said, “I need you to own me. I need to be your toy. I want to deserve you.”
Advertisement
We start with him naked and I remove his cage. I put a secure blindfold on him. He then undresses me completely and I make him run his hands all over my body. I tell him how much better I look than I feel because my nipples are hard but he is not allowed to see because he is not worthy yet. Then I sit down and he gets on his knees and gives me an oral orgasm. I then grab his nipples with my nails and pull him up and he lays across my lap and this is the real beginning. I have a wooden paddle about two inches wide and start to spank him. Gently for the first two or three strokes and then harder until I am swinging full force. He counts the strokes. I encourage him in a slow, soft, sensual, almost seductive, monotone and continuously say things like you are doing well and it is good and you like being spanked just over and over. I keep this up through the whole session with everything we do. When we get to around the sixtieth or seventieth stroke he starts to lose count and will start to just say random numbers and his body will go limp and it will be almost like he is in a trance state or somehow sleeping except he seems to know what is happening and he can follow instructions. He no longer seems to feel the pain. I will apply about a dozen more strokes and then we move on.
I now slide him off my lap onto his knees in front of me. He can follow directions as I said and he seems to know what is happening. I put clothespins on his nipples and he smiles and I tell him to give me an orgasm and he immediately complies, all the while I keep up my sensual monotone.
When I am satisfied we move to the bench and he lies on his back with a pillow under his butt and I fasten his feet in the stirrups and the belt around his waist with his arms down by his side. I yank the pins off his nipples and he winces and then smiles. I replace them with little alligator clamps you get from the electronics store and then I take a ruler and slap his scrotum and his penis until his erection subsides.
Next step, I take a small piece of Saran Wrap and put it over the end of the penis to make a catch basin. I don a glove and lube my middle finger well and start to massage his prostate gently and with the other hand massage the perineum from the outside. In a short time he starts to dribble and I increase my pace and massage the penis to encourage the flow. I do this for quite a while till the flow stops or nearly does and there will be about two tablespoons or so of fluid. I now remove the clips from his nipples and he winces when they come off but then smiles again. I take the Saran Wrap package and put some of it on my breast and I stick my breast in his mouth and tell him to drink the milk from my breast and he licks up every drop. Then I press the wrap with the remaining juices in his mouth and tell him to enjoy his seed in that same soft, sensual monotone. He licks it clean.
Finally I climb on his face and place my vagina carefully over his mouth and tell him to open wide. Then I dribble urine in his mouth. I try to control the flow so it is not a lot and sometimes when I stop he will say, “more.” We finish by having him give me one last orgasm.
Now I get up and unfasten the restraints and carefully sit him up still using the same voice. I move him over to the cot and we lie down together. Now my voice and demeanor return to the normal me but still soft and I gently remove his blindfold and just hold him and talk to him softly and kiss him. He will be groggy for several seconds like he is just waking up from a sound sleep but then he comes back to normal and his first words are always, “Thank you. I have earned your love again.” We snuggle and after a few minutes he will ask if he could make love to me. He is able to get hard and he rolls on top of me and we have intercourse. When I orgasm this last time he apparently feels some sensation when my muscles contract but he doesn’t actually have an orgasm and he has no semen left to ejaculate. For the next few months he will be the Dave I love and married and understand so well.
His nipples will be very sore the rest of the day and still sensitive on Sunday. His butt will still be slightly tender on Monday morning but he says that is good. No more explanation than that.
As you may guess I have several concerns and questions. This has been going on now for almost nine years with a few changes to what we do (mostly ever increasing intensity) and there don’t seem to be any bad side effects.
My biggest concern is this recurring, every few months, depression he gets where he suddenly feels unworthy of me. If I say anything to dispute it or to make him feel better about himself Dave gets very upset with me and says I don’t respect his feelings. I have never been able to correlate anything in our lives with these episodes. I don’t believe I have treated him differently in any way and I don’t see where he has done anything that was not loving and good. Do other men who are dedicated so strongly to their mate experience cycles of inadequacy or unworthiness like this? I have encouraged him to talk to a mental health specialist but he won’t hear of it. He says they would just put him on anti-depressants. He says what I do for him works.
My other big concern is what is this almost trance like state? I am by no means a hypnotist. If I change to my normal voice the “state” ends in a few seconds. It was very frightening the first time years ago and it still frightens me a little after all these years. The brain is a fragile thing and I am a little uncomfortable messing with it. I just don’t understand it. He is always fine and normal when we finish and is fine till his next “episode.” Keyholders, have you ever experienced something like this during intense play or punishment sessions?
My last question is why does this work? Having majored in psychology, I know painful punishment can be a deterrent but I seem to be changing how he feels about himself. All my education says you do that by positive reinforcement, not pain. Any thoughts?
After a session last fall we talked and I asked him point blank it he would want me to do any of those things to him as just fun play. He said absolutely not! Then he thought a bit and said if I wanted to do the less severe spanking like we tried years ago he might be okay with that. He said I got turned on and he actually was kind of hot afterwards. I have thought about it and I am a little reluctant because anything I do related to our “sessions” might have a negative impact on the sessions. They are too important to risk damaging them in any way. It would be fun if I could think of some play activity that would let me be a little bit cruel and he would feel just enough pain to be similar to sexual stimulation. Mild pain and sexual stimulation are strongly related in males. Could use ideas that are not at all like what we do in our sessions.
Funny thing. I originally intended to post here one time to let couples who might be thinking about the life style but had some reservations know that chastity and FLR do not have to be about total domination and denial. I hadn’t thought about our “sessions” while posting because it had been a long time since the last one and it was not on my mind. Now here I am looking for some confidence building myself.
I mentioned the twins earlier. They were seniors in high school when we first started with just fun, turn-on spankings and timing was tricky and we had some close calls. They were off to college by the time we got into the therapeutic (?) sessions. There was only one time that they were home when Dave had an episode. He dealt with it for a couple extra days and took Monday as a personal day and we had a session then.
Even as adults our children have provided us with some humorous moments and I am recalling one now that I think I will write about later. Just because it started out embarrassing but turned out quite fun and even valuable.
Posted : 15/08/2021 7:51 am
My other big concern is what is this almost trance like state? I am by no means a hypnotist. If I change to my normal voice the “state” ends in a few seconds. It was very frightening the first time years ago and it still frightens me a little after all these years. The brain is a fragile thing and I am a little uncomfortable messing with it. I just don’t understand it. He is always fine and normal when we finish and is fine till his next “episode.” Keyholders, have you ever experienced something like this during intense play or punishment sessions?
My last question is why does this work? Having majored in psychology, I know painful punishment can be a deterrent but I seem to be changing how he feels about himself. All my education says you do that by positive reinforcement, not pain. Any thoughts?
Steph,
I used to play with an older woman who went through periods of depression which were reinforced by her overbearing mother. Her mother and, sometimes even her son, would repeat this mantra that she was a worthless whore -- she was not a whore at all. She would text me and ask me to meet her to whip her mercilessly and specifically on her pussy which she considered to be the source of her being labelled a whore. I would give her breasts, bottom and pussy good whippings and she would get release. I also would require her to give me release orally. There were times I felt afterwards it was sick to take advantage of her in her down states, but I learned over time that this is exactly what she wanted and needed. It was like medication for her. Over time, she decided that she no longer needed to meet up. Maybe her mother mellowed. Maybe she no longer felt she was a whore. Maybe she is now medicated for depression. Who knows. She and I still talk but she doesn't seem to have much interest in the things of the past.
For years, the DSM (the psychiatry diagnosis manual) considered sexual masochism to be a disorder. As of 2010, it has been reclassed as a sexual interest which is only a problem if it:
"Results in significant impairment or distress in daily life (relationships, occupational or social functioning)"
I think your husband and most masochists and/or sexual submissives receive great pleasure from being forced to submit themselves before you. I don't see any significant impairment or distress in his daily life, so I think you're probably giving him what he wants and needs.
It has taken me many years to accept that women who have desires to be degraded, punished and abused in bed are actually seeking a form of sexual release which is healthy for them. My only caveats are the basic rules of BDSM itself: "safe, sane and consensual." If your power over him leads you to require or permit yourself to do things which are not safe or sane, you must say no. You are the Dominant in his life and during his low phases, you have an obligation to set boundaries on your own behavior and not to allow yourself to get drunk with power. You must be the adult here when he asks you to do things which know are too much. I refuse personally to choke women -- even if they demand it. And anything involving feces because it is simply not safe (and probably not sane!).
Your questions are questions that other sane people ask when they are dominating others. And as long as you feel your behavior is safe and sane, it probably is, and you can relax about Dave's deep depression. He may eventually decide he no longer wants it -- much like antidepressant medications may not be needed for life. Be ready for that change because it may happen unexpectedly.
S&B
I don't have Dave's exact desires as you describe them, and my own feelings of inadequacy are less variable than his. I have two thoughts. First, he needs this from time to time because he feels that is an authentic form of expression that you two share. He really does feel unworthy most of the time, and although you are the leader in the bedroom, deep-down he feels that his input and your consideration of his input belie his inadequacy - he doesn't deserve even that consideration. The authenticity that you call "extreme playtime" is needed by him to reset the balance from time to time. He needs you and he to assume what he considers to be your natural roles, and that allows him to tolerate the feeling he has most of the time that he's pretending to be your complementary equal. He needs that authenticity once in a while, in order to live as the good little submissive husband in the bedroom that he is most of the time.
Second, when he's depressed, he needs to be shocked out of it. You and he can now tell when his rock-bottom feeling of despair or worthlessness is coming. For whatever reason and by whatever psycho-sexual mechanism, becoming nothing breaks the downward trajectory, and he's able to rise to do and face what he needs to do and face in everyday life and in your relationship.
It's your love, trust, and communication that makes the whole thing possible.
Posted : 15/08/2021 10:24 am
Topic starter
As I read your response, the way you described what he might be going through, I felt like you had snuck into my computer and read the “book length” version that tells the history of how we got to where we are today.
The first time the trance-like thing happened I panicked and did not follow through. He wished I had. We tried to repeat it in future playtimes and it didn’t happen. At these times Dave’s words were "he wasn’t feeling submissive" and he seemed disappointed. When it finally did happen I played it out (though not at the level we are at today) and that was when he first said he finally deserved me after the session. When I tried to tell him he always deserved me he reprimanded me for discounting his feelings and told me that “I am wonderful and sometimes he is NOTHING.”
It may be the feelings of inadequacy he used to have about himself when it came to women are still buried in his mind somewhere and from time to time it surfaces. Most of the time he seems or acts confident in my love for him and is okay with it until something reminds him of his old self.
I feel a little better now about the situation if these are indeed latent feelings of his inadequacy with women. Maybe what we are doing is the right thing. I have to agree with Dave, no anti-depressant pill will fix this.
I still don’t understand the trance-like state. If I am playing with his mind that scares me a bit. I do love him and don’t want to ever hurt him. He is the only man who ever truly cared about me as a person.
@steph I can't explain the trance-like state without knowing Dave and without witnessing it. I have, however, experienced a similar state while in one particular Domme's stable of subs. I participated voluntarily and contributed some implements and elements, and she trained me to endure emotinal degradation and physical punishment. My mind retreated into a place I hadn't visited since childhood, a safe place deep within where it couldn't be harmed.
I know that you posted that Dave was a virgin when you and he met. His feelings of inadequacy as a man likely go back well before he ever began dating. By age 6, I'd observed that my penis was far smaller than those of peers. At that age, I knew nothi of sex beyond the most basic physical difference between boys and girls, but I knew that having a noticeably small penis was somehow a bad thing for a man, and that it might pose problems later on if I didn't grow. Mine never grew, and I reached adulthood with one that might look small on a toddler. I know from another posting that Dave's erection is on the small side, not tiny like mine, but still small. I'm sure that fact means far more to him than it does to you, and if he's similarly or even more smaller than average when flaccid, it may have been a bigger issue than you know in his childhood or adolescence, whether through actual humiliations among peers or simply fear of inadequacy as a man for sex. That doesn't go away.
Posted : 15/08/2021 9:30 pm
Topic starter
@lil-c I never thought about his size being a possible "concern: of his because I never talk about it and I taught him to give me orgasms during intercourse but it makes sense that it is part of the issue.
So it is possible he reverts to a safe place in his mind. Maybe somewhere he has always gone when he felt threatened by an uncomfortable situation. He just goes much deeper now because of the intensity of our "play."
I am beginning to get a little more comfortable with this whole scene. I will still always worry a little.
Thank you lil-c
Posted : 16/08/2021 4:51 am
I think you are overthinking this. You both seem to have a very rewarding time when this happens. Some men just want to be mentally & physically submissive to their wives. I love when my wife say's no. She thinks she's being mean but I need this. For example, during sex, she may say "Pull out, I changed my mind. Maybe next week." This is after she has an orgasm. The first time I was denied an orgasm for two weeks I was surprised by the feelings of love that grew for her. I begged her to deny me for one month. She thought I was crazy but loved the new me. The next time I came it was such a letdown. My good feelings went away & I did not like this. So I asked to go even longer. Now I never know when it is going to happen. I love the teasing & foreplay but not the release.
Sometimes I upset her on purpose & she makes me stand in the corner. I asked her to always call me her boy. I remind her "Boy's" do not get pussy. We have done a lot of things over the years to excite each other. I begged my wife to tell our best couple friends ( Judy & Doug )about us being in an FLR marriage. I needed this humiliation. They both asked me about this. I answered all their questions & got an erection. Judy told my wife she could borrow Doug if she needed a real man since she was married to a boy. My wife turned and looked at me. After a few minutes, I told her she needed a real man around here. She told Judy to feel free to use her "Boy" & Doug took my wife into the bedroom.
