Have you ever heard that the best marriages start as friendships? We're told from a young age that the key to happily-ever-after is falling for our best friend. It’s sweet, sure, but let’s take a closer look at what happens when we trade passion for friendship, and why it often comes up short when it comes to sexual satisfaction. After all, intimacy and friendship are only one slice of the delicious pie of attraction—and a slice often mistaken for the whole dessert. But is your best friend really the ideal partner, or is that myth holding us back from a more fulfilling experience?
Here’s my take: while friendship-based marriages can provide comfort, security, and trust, they can lack the novelty, excitement, and yes—raw attraction—that often spark those white-hot, heart-racing encounters we long for. Many of us have wondered, “Where did the passion go?” or found ourselves wishing for a bit of that initial thrill. Let’s break down why this happens and explore how modern marriages are evolving to let us have our cake and eat it too.
The idea that friendship leads to lasting love is everywhere, in part because it sounds logical. Who wouldn’t want to be with someone they enjoy hanging out with, who knows their favorite takeout order, and who they can chill with every Saturday night? It’s safe, dependable, and feels secure—qualities we’re often told are the gold standard for "true love."
Historically, marriage wasn’t always about romance or attraction. In many cultures, it was a practical arrangement for security and survival. A best friend model fit that role perfectly, and over centuries, this kind of relationship turned into what society presented as “ideal.” Fast forward to modern love stories, and that logic still lingers in our collective consciousness. But guess what? Modern marriage doesn’t always thrive on friendship alone. Human connection isn’t just about emotional intimacy; we’re wired for sexual novelty, and that is where friendship sometimes falls short.
There’s an interesting phenomenon called the “Coolidge Effect,” which suggests that animals—including humans—are wired to seek novelty for sexual satisfaction. Ever notice how exciting a new fling feels? That spark and rush are often missing in long-term, best-friend-style relationships because, well, you already know everything about each other! That same comfort that makes them your go-to confidant can quickly become a passion-killer in the bedroom.
When you fall in love with your best friend, you may unknowingly put them in a “safe” zone, which your mind eventually translates as a “non-sexy” zone. You adore them, you trust them, and you want them to be happy—but where’s the raw attraction? Many of us discover that after we achieve that “best friend” ideal, we’re still longing for that sizzling chemistry. And trust me, there’s nothing wrong with that; it’s only natural!…
