Dear Emma,
Last May, I sat my husband down and shared something that I’d been feeling for a while—I no longer wanted a sexual relationship with him. It was one of the hardest things I’ve ever said, especially because it came from a place of love, not rejection. When I told him, he got upset and asked if I wanted a divorce. The thought of splitting up tore at me. I love this man dearly, and I couldn’t imagine a life apart from him. The truth is, I feel our marriage is built on so much more than just a sexual connection. I know I’d be happy to stay as co-parents and partners, and while sex may not be the connection between us, he’s still the perfect partner for me in every other way.
I also told him that this was partially an emotional decision, but there are physical aspects too—my husband is on the smaller side and has struggled with frequent erection problems. These things are manageable, but they’ve affected my ability to feel fully turned on with him. Since then, we’ve found a middle ground, where our relationship feels like a halfway open marriage. I have a boyfriend of three months who stays over a couple of nights a week, and my husband has supported this new part of our life. Oddly, it’s made us closer than ever. My husband is deeply turned on by the idea of this arrangement, even identifying with a cuckold fetish. I am ok with him being present or trying various role playing but that brings me to my question. He has asked specifically for humiliation play and showed me some links on your blog I have to say that I am not comfortable with it at all. I am not a dominatrix and felt very uncomfortable with dishing out insults. I don’t want anything to damage the respect and love we share. So I’m wondering, are there ways to honor his request while staying true to my boundaries and keep our emotional intimacy sacred?
Dear Clara,
Sexual dynamics can indeed be complicated, and I truly applaud you for bravely confronting this truth in your marriage. It’s easy to let intimacy issues fester, but by having an open and honest conversation, you’ve saved your relationship from silent resentments. Many women face similar situations but continue to silently continue a sexual relationship out of a sense of obligation that leaves them crying in the bathroom or deep depression. Unknowingly letting these unspoken truths harm the relationship over time. The courage to set such a boundary in your relationship shows you value your connection and respect your husband deeply.
It sounds like you and your husband are navigating this new reality with grace, and I can't imagine it has been easy. There are certainly ways to fulfill his specific type of desire without compromising your values. One option could be to introduce some light physical intimacy, like pegging, which offers a way to share a physical experience without penetrative sex. Since he’s comfortable with your boyfriend’s involvement, adding an aspect of “cuckolding” to your dynamic may enhance the experience. If the humiliation element is outside your comfort zone, there are ways to explore this without outright humiliation. Often, men drawn to this dynamic are searching for validation and acknowledgment within the unique setup. Instead of demeaning, you might try introducing a “loving truth” approach where you affirm his role as your primary partner while acknowledging the appeal of your boyfriend in a non-judgmental, truthful way.…
