In many relationships, there's an unspoken agreement that feels a little like a bad business deal—men commit to secure a steady supply of sex, and women get cast in the role of sexual gatekeepers. In this role, women ration sex to the man in a stale and dysfunctional pattern where intimacy becomes more about transactions than passion.
Before the couple knows it, sex no longer is a source of physical and emotional intimacy but something to be earned, like a gold star on a behavior chart. The good news? It doesn’t have to be this way! There are ways to focus on redefining intimacy in your marriage and break free from the “gatekeeper” dynamic and step into a more connected and fulfilling relationship.
This transactional structure and foundation of obligation leads to an unhealthy sexual dynamic for both partners. For the woman, it creates an obligation to “service” her partner, at the cost of her own sexual agency and pleasure. For the man, it fosters a regressive, dependent relationship dynamic where he is left in a perpetual state of seeking approval through sexual access, much like a child seeking nourishment from a mother. In other words, sex becomes a commodity that is exchanged rather than a mutual, pleasurable connection.
In this blog, I will explore how this deeply ingrained societal norm contributes to unsatisfying relationships and how shifting to alternative structures, such as open relationships or cuckolding dynamics, can redefine intimacy in ways that liberate both partners. By challenging the idea that a wife is the sole provider of sex in a relationship, couples can break free from a cycle of obligation and resentment, creating healthier, more fulfilling sexual relationships.
Monogamous relationships follow a pattern where men enter a committed relationship expecting a stable and consistent supply of sex, while women use sex as leverage to secure commitment and emotional investment. The imbalance in this exchange creates a foundation that is inherently unequal and unsustainable.
Men are socially conditioned to believe that sex is a necessity, something they are owed in return for being good partners. Women, in turn, are conditioned to believe that sex is a resource they control, something they can use to negotiate emotional security, fidelity, and good behavior from their partners. This sexual economy is reinforced by pop culture, media, and even advice from older generations.…
