This is part two of a series about the relationship sexual cycle. If you haven't already read my explanation of the relationship sexual cycle in part one, please take a moment to do so now. I'll do my best to make this one stand on its own but some of the concepts might make more sense if you frame them up first.
Great sex actually has nothing to do with a great relationship, you first need to separate the idea that those two things should go hand in hand. You CAN have a wonderful but sexless relationship and yes this includes romantic relationships as well. Can your needs be met with a sexless but highly emotionally connected relationship? This is a highly personal decision and may change at various points throughout your life.
If you find someone that you are highly sexually connected to, that absolutely doesn't mean they are relationship material. Have you felt sexual chemistry with someone that you knew was completely wrong for you? We all have! The bad boy, the hot nerdy guy; yep those are the boys I am talking about. Different people stimulate different parts of our brain and you need to separate the idea that everyone can be everything for you. It simply isn't true and it isn't fair to you or the people in your life to have that expectation.
On the flip side, a great relationship doesn't mean great sex. Have you ever been with a highly connected partner but lose sexual interest? This is especially true with long term relationships. The relationship needs of humans care about two things, arousal and safety. If you have pure arousal then you will likely have little support. If you have pure support, you will likely have very little arousal. These things don't go hand in hand.
Let's begin with desire. There are two types; responsive desire and spontaneous desire. Spontaneous desire is the lustful desire where you have sexual chemistry and cannot keep your hands off someone. Responsive desire is about showing up and putting yourself in sexual situations with someone who you have a responsive conditioning with. Responsive desire is built upon friendship and trust, two traits that are almost never associated with spontaneous desire. In fact, spontaneous desire is stifled by both friendship and trust. The video below does a great job of shining some light on the various types of desire.
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