When I picked up The Ethical Slut by Janet Hardy, I expected a good read, but I didn’t know it would completely open my mind to new ways of loving, living, and embracing the kind of confidence I need to be the best version of myself—for myself and my husband, Kev. As someone navigating a female-led relationship and an open marriage, The Ethical Slut resonated with me deeply, especially around female confidence, non-monogamy, and freedom from shame.
To be completely transparent, I did read this book years ago at the beginning of my ENM journey with Kev and I like it but I had very little context to apply it to at that time. Today I’m still no expert despite having a blog where I write my thoughts down, but I do have some experiences and time in the lifestyle to relate to the book. A re-read was exactly what I needed to refresh my understanding of the book and whether you’re exploring open relationships, questioning monogamy, or just trying to build a better relationship with yourself, Hardy’s book is the ultimate, no-shame guide for anyone looking to live authentically and love freely. Let’s dive into some of the book’s best lessons and how they’ve impacted me and my relationship with Kev.
The Ethical Slut is a non-fiction book written by Janet Hardy (and co-authored by Dossie Easton) that explores the idea of ethical non-monogamy from a female perspective. The book is about creating honest, open relationships based on trust, consent, and respect. Hardy challenges the traditional ideas around monogamy and “one true love,” promoting relationships that suit our real desires, values, and dreams. Instead of fitting our love lives into traditional boxes, Hardy encourages us to create our own relationships that suit our lives and needs.
The book isn’t just for those in open or polyamorous relationships; it’s for anyone who wants to explore more honest, secure, and fulfilling connections—no matter what their relationship structure looks like.
Owning Your Sexuality
One of Hardy’s biggest points is reclaiming the word “slut” and taking away its shame. Historically, “slut” has been used as an insult, mostly against women who embrace their sexuality openly. Hardy reclaims the term to empower people to be bold about their desires without shame or judgment. For me, this idea hit home, as embracing my sexuality and owning my choices has been central to my journey in our female-led relationship.
In many ways, being confident in my role as the leader in our marriage has been liberating, but with feeling powerful is an undertone of shame that I think most, if not all women feel. There’s something empowering about ditching shame and not letting societal labels dictate our worth or value. Hardy’s approach is a reminder that no matter who we love or how we do it, we are still worthy of respect and joy.
A Roadmap for Self-Love
One of the standout chapters in The Ethical Slut talks about the destructive power of shame and the freedom that comes from shedding it. Hardy emphasizes that shame—whether about our sexual desires, relationship choices, or even our own bodies—holds us back from true intimacy and joy. This idea had a huge impact on me because shame can be such a sneaky thing. It seeps into our minds from society, past experiences, or just plain old self-doubt.
As a woman in a relationship where I take the lead, I’ve had moments of self-doubt, asking myself if it’s “normal” or okay to be the one in control. Sometimes, Kev and I both feel society’s judgment for being non-traditional, and it can be hard not to internalize it. But Hardy’s words have helped me kick shame to the curb and embrace what truly makes us happy. It’s not about fitting into some ideal relationship mold; it’s about creating a life that’s true to who we are, free from guilt or fear.
Kev found The Ethical Slut surprisingly helpful in addressing the shame he sometimes felt in taking on a more submissive role in our relationship. Hardy’s insights helped him realize that shame often comes from societal expectations rather than from anything truly “wrong” with our choices. In fact, The Ethical Slut gave him permission to embrace his submissiveness with pride and confidence rather than self-doubt. For Kev, Hardy’s words were a relief—showing him that vulnerability and openness don’t make him any less of a partner. Instead, they deepen our connection and allow us to experience a kind of trust and closeness that simply wouldn’t be possible otherwise. Kev feels more empowered to fully accept his role as an adaptation to support our dynamic rather than any shortcoming of his own. Together, we feel confident knowing that our unique dynamic is built on mutual respect, care, and shared desires, free from shame or judgment.
Female Confidence in Relationships
For women in female-led relationships, confidence can be key. Being a partner who takes the lead means being sure of yourself, setting boundaries, and standing by your choices. The Ethical Slut has been an incredible guide for boosting that confidence, especially because Hardy’s writing doesn’t just offer advice on relationships; it’s also about self-empowerment. It’s a reminder that confidence isn’t just about knowing what you want but also about feeling secure in who you are.
Hardy’s emphasis on communication and honesty has made a difference for Kev and me, too. Open conversations about our needs, insecurities, and desires are essential. The book really opened my eyes to the importance of talking openly about what we want and finding ways to balance both of our needs. Through confidence and communication, we’re able to maintain the love and trust we have.
Kev found The Ethical Slut surprisingly helpful in addressing the shame he sometimes felt in taking on a more submissive role in our relationship. Hardy’s insights helped him realize that shame often comes from societal expectations rather than from anything truly “wrong” with our choices. In fact, The Ethical Slut gave him permission to embrace his submissiveness with pride and confidence rather than self-doubt and emasculation. For Kev, Hardy’s words were a relief—showing him that vulnerability and openness don’t make him any less of a partner. Instead, they deepen our connection and allow us to experience a kind of trust and closeness that simply wouldn’t be possible otherwise. Kev feels more empowered to fully accept his role, knowing that our unique dynamic is built on mutual respect, care, and shared desires, free from shame or judgment.
Navigating Non-Monogamy
For Kev and me, cuckolding and open marriage are ways to explore desires that wouldn’t be possible in a strictly monogamous setup. When we first started exploring cuckolding, Kev dealt with a lot of insecurities and feelings of inadequacy, and I had to figure out how to support him through it. We used humiliation as a way to sexualize those insecurities and it worked but the book reframes those feelings as an intentional and consensual part of intimacy rather than something inherently shameful or demeaning. Hardy explains that relationships can thrive when couples explore unconventional desires without judgment, and she emphasizes that consent is the key to unlocking these possibilities safely. For us, Hardy’s take helped bring clarity and confidence to our cuckold play and helped us understand it as an empowering experience for both partners, rather than one that breeds insecurity or fear. By understanding these desires through Hardy’s lens, Kev and I were able to explore cuckold play with open minds and hearts, allowing us to embrace and fully enjoy it as a meaningful part of our connection.
By viewing sexual humiliation in cuckold dynamics as a pathway for building trust, Hardy’s insights helped us recognize these moments as opportunities to deepen our bond. In a female-led relationship, where I take control and Kev adopts a more submissive role, sexual humiliation became a way for us to explore vulnerability together without fear of judgment. Rather than a loss of power, these experiences became a shared exploration of trust, playfulness, and consent. The feeling of being fully accepted and even celebrated within a submissive role is something he hadn’t experienced before. Hardy’s perspective has helped us further understand cuckold play into a safe, enjoyable, and even empowering space for us, reminding us that it’s ultimately about mutual respect and deepened intimacy.
Building Trust and Security
Hardy’s insights on building trust in non-monogamous relationships resonated with me deeply. She breaks down trust as something that is built through consistent, honest communication and a willingness to hear each other’s needs. Non-monogamy, when done with mutual respect and openness, can strengthen a relationship rather than weaken it.
Kev and I have become stronger as a team by being honest with each other. We’ve found that the openness The Ethical Slut encourages has led to a deeper bond, where jealousy isn’t an obstacle but something we navigate together. And by giving each other the freedom to express our feelings, we’ve been able to create a solid foundation of trust, security, and mutual respect.
Hardy’s book explains that jealousy isn’t something to fear but something to understand. Her approach involves acknowledging jealousy as a normal emotion, not something that needs to be “fixed.” This idea changed our perspective and gave us a way to process feelings without guilt. For Kev, this meant understanding that his feelings were valid, and for me, it meant learning to provide reassurance while remaining confident in my desires.
Key Takeaways for Couples Exploring Open Relationships
The Ethical Slut is more than just a book about relationships; it’s a blueprint for self-discovery, healthy boundaries, and, most importantly, confidence. For anyone interested in non-monogamy or open relationships, Hardy offers these invaluable lessons:
Embrace Your Desires: Hardy encourages us to explore our desires without fear or guilt. This has helped me to openly discuss what I want with Kev and has deepened our relationship.
Communication is Key: The book emphasizes open, honest, and consistent communication. Kev and I regularly check in with each other, which helps us feel secure and connected.
Ditch the Shame: She shows us how to let go of shame and judgment, which has helped me in my journey as a woman leading our relationship. Self-confidence and mutual respect are cornerstones of happiness.
Own Your Emotions: Our partner doesn’t make us sad, sadness is our reaction to the circumstances and our interpretation. Therefore we have power over our reactions and emotions.
Process Jealousy Together: Rather than ignoring feelings of jealousy, Hardy encourages us to see it as a normal emotion. Kev and I now view jealousy as a chance to connect more deeply and understand each other better.
Trust Each Other: Non-monogamy can strengthen trust when approached with respect and honesty. The freedom to be open with each other has brought us closer than ever.
Problems With The Book
One of my main critiques of The Ethical Slut is its sometimes overly idealistic portrayal of non-monogamy. While the authors approach to love and sexuality is open, I don’t personally feel like non-monogamy is right for everyone and it isn’t the magic bullet to relationship happiness. Let’s be honest, multiple relationships can be very complex and require time, effort and lots of compassion to be successful. While the book puts a spotlight on liberating aspects, it underplays the realities of managing jealousy, misunderstandings, and the daily communication that can come with these types of dynamics. Two relationships means twice the communication – if you’re doing it right.
I also felt like the book was a bit outdated in its context and language, which really does make sense due to the publication date in the 1990s. With the growth of non-monogamous communities and greater social awareness around topics like gender, intersectionality, and consent, the language of love and sexuality has expanded since The Ethical Slut was. Non-monogamy can look very different depending on one’s cultural, economic, and personal circumstances, and The Ethical Slut doesn’t fully address how these intersecting factors can impact one’s experience in an open relationship. This omission can make it feel more relevant to a specific demographic, leaving some readers feeling underrepresented or overlooked.
The book also offers very little guidance on power dynamics, especially in relationships that involve an intentional power imbalance, such as cuckolding or other consensual BDSM practices. While it celebrates sexual freedom and open exploration, the authors don’t dive deeply into how partners can safely navigate power exchange, consent, and emotional vulnerability in these relationships. For us, exploring the subtle meanings and motivations behind sexual dynamics—like those found in cuckolding—added depth and understanding to our connection. But The Ethical Slut doesn’t provide much insight into this nuanced territory. For those in female-led or other power-structured relationships, the book can feel incomplete, as it misses the chance to offer guidance on how these dynamics can be explored ethically and safely. This lack of focus on power dynamics leaves a gap for readers looking to incorporate a consensual power exchange into their relationships within a non-monogamous framework.
Relationship Growth
The Ethical Slut was a groundbreaking guide back when it was initially published and still holds up quite well today for anyone ready to move beyond the limitations of traditional relationships. Through its pages, I found the confidence to embrace my role in our female-led relationship and explore open marriage with joy and respect. Hardy’s book is an essential read for anyone who wants to live life on their own terms, with a partner who is willing to do the same.
Whether you’re just starting out on this path or have been exploring non-monogamy for years, The Ethical Slut will inspire you to dig deeper, love harder, and let go of any shame that’s holding you back. For Kev and me, it’s been a huge part of our journey to a more fulfilling relationship, and I’m confident it could be for you, too. So pick up a copy, let go of judgment, and prepare to love more openly, honestly, and happily!
Emma brings her own experiences to light, creating a space for open conversations on relationships, kinks, personal growth, and the psychology of sexuality. With insights into everything from chastity to emotional fulfillment, she’s here to guide readers on a journey of evolving love and intimacy.
Let me tell you, when I first came across Cupid’s Poisoned Arrow on one of YogaGirl’s old blogs, I knew I had to get my hands on it. A book about Karezza with an endorsement from YogaGirl herself? Way too intriguing to pass up, you know it’s going to dive into some juicy, thought-provoking territory and it did not disappoint.
If you’re curious about how your relationship dynamics could be shifted (and frankly, improved) by understanding and using the power of non-ejaculatory sex to your advantage, this book is for you. Cupid’s Poisoned Arrow is a deep-dive into how we experience sexual pleasure, love, and connection—and how we are doing it all wrong.
The Premise
Marnia Robinson and Douglas Wile Ph.D. set out to tackle a big subject: how orgasms, especially male orgasms, can have unintended consequences for long-term relationships. The book’s central concept is this: the way we typically pursue sex, with orgasm as the ultimate goal, might be sabotaging our ability to maintain deep and fulfilling connections. In other words, the poison in Cupid’s arrow could be the orgasm itself!
I know, this sounds pretty wild at first. Aren’t orgasms supposed to be amazing? Aren’t they the point? Cupid’s Poisoned Arrow argues that while orgasms feel great in the moment, they can lead to a “crash” that actually weakens our emotional connection over time. This is especially true for men, who experience something called the “refractory period” after ejaculation, which is basically a recovery phase where their desire for intimacy (and often their mood) tanks.
Robinson brings in ancient practices like Karezza, a form of sex that prioritizes connection over climax. Instead of focusing on getting to that big finish, the emphasis is on slow, sensual, and deeply intimate contact that builds a more stable, ongoing bond. Sounds pretty perfect for the FLR crowd, right? Because if you’re in a relationship where female-led dynamics are at the forefront, keeping that emotional connection strong is key. After a two-week period without orgasms, the couple can focus on maximizing stillness during intimacy, just being present with each other in a penetrative state using positions like the scissors position to reduce thrusting and avoid traditional “humping” behaviors. By embracing this stillness, the man’s penis naturally fluctuates between being hard and soft, allowing both partners to focus on their presence together and the emotional bond rather than a finish line of climax. This deeper connection helps to strengthen the relationship by removing the pressure and focus of achieving orgasm.
The Science
Orgasm control and denial, as explored in Cupid’s Poisoned Arrow through practices like Karezza, are not just about sexual novelty—they’re backed by real science about how our bodies and minds respond to orgasm. One of the key biological processes at play is the release of neurochemicals during sex, particularly during and after orgasm. Dopamine, the “pleasure chemical,” spikes during arousal and peaks at orgasm, giving that intense rush of satisfaction. However, after orgasm, dopamine levels drop sharply, leading to what’s often referred to as a “sexual hangover,” where feelings of connection and arousal plummet. This can result in what’s called the refractory period, especially in men, where there’s a temporary drop in libido and mood. Orgasm denial aims to avoid this crash, maintaining steadier levels of dopamine, allowing for more consistent feelings of connection and intimacy.
Another key factor is the hormone prolactin, which is released after orgasm and is directly linked to the refractory period. Prolactin decreases sexual desire and contributes to that post-orgasm “sleepy” feeling many people experience. Studies show that prolactin levels are 400% higher after ejaculation compared to non-ejaculatory sexual activity. By avoiding orgasm, particularly male ejaculation, the body doesn’t experience this hormonal flood, allowing couples to sustain emotional and physical closeness without the detachment that often follows sexual release. In a sense, orgasm control keeps the sexual energy alive and keeps the man more attuned to his partner, enhancing the emotional bond.
There’s also research on how repeated orgasms, particularly in men, can diminish testosterone levels temporarily, leading to reduced energy and drive. Karezza, by minimizing or avoiding orgasm, helps maintain higher testosterone levels, which is linked to sustained desire and motivation. In long-term relationships, this can foster more ongoing affection, attraction, and connection. Essentially, by reframing sex as an ongoing emotional and physical exchange, rather than a race to climax, orgasm control creates a stronger, more intimate bond between partners, supporting the very premises that Karezza is built upon.
Female Led Relationships
One of the book’s big takeaways for me was how much Karezza fits naturally into a female-led relationship (FLR) model. When I think about my relationship with Kev, our dynamic is built on emotional closeness, trust, and a deep understanding of each other’s needs—physical and emotional. This idea of Karezza, where the focus is on intimacy and the emotional connection during sex, feels like a natural extension of that.
In a typical sexual relationship, the focus is often on the male orgasm (can we say, predictable?). But with Karezza, there’s a shift. Instead of making the male orgasm the main event, it’s all about maintaining a state of heightened connection and intimacy. It’s more like teasing, edging, and prolonged pleasure, which, let’s be honest, fits perfectly with chastity and orgasm control.
Imagine this: instead of Kev having a traditional orgasm, we engage in a session where there’s constant touching, caressing, and connecting. He’s fully present, but there’s no ejaculation. The closeness and bonding linger, without the drop-off that usually comes after he climaxes. For those of us in the FLR world, this is a game-changer.
Orgasm Control and Male Chastity
Male chastity already plays with the idea of control over when, how, and if a man gets to orgasm. But what if we take it one step further and use the principles from Cupid’s Poisoned Arrow to guide that control? Instead of focusing on long-term denial just for the sake of denial, what if we used Karezza as a way to keep the bond strong while avoiding that post-orgasm slump?
Kev and I already practice chastity as part of our relationship dynamic as I’ve covered many time son this blog. It’s fun, playful, and it keeps him attentive (just how I like it). Reading this book gave me the idea to incorporate more of the Karezza philosophy into our intimate life and it was a great reminder of our roots when it comes to male chastity. Sure, there’s a time for edging and playful teasing where I make him beg to finish (and sometimes I let him, sometimes I don’t). But there’s also space for deep, slow, intimate contact that doesn’t lead to an orgasm for him at all until his weekly release. I keep him on his toes though, sometimes we go the full week and other times he gets a few.
In a way, Karezza feels like the ultimate form of orgasm control. It’s not just about denying the release—it’s about shifting the entire focus from climax to connection. The bond grows stronger, and the emotional intimacy deepens. Plus, I stay in control, and he stays focused on me, which is exactly how I want it.
Emotional Intimacy
I know, this might not seem like it directly relates to Cupid’s Poisoned Arrow, but stay with me. One of the reasons cuckolding works for us is because it allows for emotional intimacy between me and Kev, even when I’m with another partner. Kev and I have worked on building a relationship where he feels emotionally connected to me even when my sexual attention is elsewhere..
For Kev, watching me with another man is often a deeply emotional experience. And in many cuckold relationships, the cuckold partner is frequently denied orgasm during or after the encounter. This already aligns with the non-ejaculatory focus of Cupid’s Poisoned Arrow. By focusing on the emotional connection, rather than the orgasm, the bond between me and Kev stays strong. It’s almost like our own version of Karezza, but in the context of cuckolding.
Twisting Karezza Around
The refractory period after a man ejaculates is such an interesting tool in cuckolding dynamics, especially when you’re looking to create a more emotional, vulnerable experience. When a man climaxes, he often experiences a hormonal shift that leads to a drop in sexual desire and a heightened sense of emotional openness—what some like to call “post-nut clarity.” This is the perfect moment to tap into deeper feelings like vulnerability, longing, and even cuckold angst, which can enhance the emotional intensity of the situation. Imposing an orgasm on your partner before a cuckolding experience can flip him into a heightened emotional state, making the experience even more powerful.
Karezza teaches that the denied orgasm results a a more emotionally connected partner but what if you intentionally allow an orgasm prior to a cuckold type scenario? Think of it this way: after ejaculation, his emotional walls are down and he is no longer driven by the need for sexual release, which means he’s more likely to actually feel the emotional highs and lows. This post-climax vulnerability is perfect for creating a contrast when you’re about to be with another man. His desire to be sexually involved is replaced by a more introspective, emotionally charged state where deeper feelings of jealousy, submission, and longing bubble to the surface. That shift can make the cuckolding experience so much more intense and profound, as he becomes more focused on his emotional connection and depth with you.
Plus, when men hit this post-nut clarity, they’re more receptive to experiencing a wide range of emotions, from compersion to insecurity, which can intensify the experience for both of you. Using that hormonal dip to your advantage means he’s more emotionally available, more reflective, and more in tune with how the cuckolding situation affects him on a deeper level. It’s like you’re pushing him into a space where his head and his heart take over—exactly where you want him to be.
Reading Cupid’s Poisoned Arrow was a game-changer for me. If you’re into female-led relationships, I highly recommend giving it a read. It might just change the way you think about sex, connection, and intimacy in your relationship. There was a bit of regilion mixed in which made me check-out a bit but I checked right back in when I read through the equal amounts of science that they backup claims with. And hey, if YogaGirl was into it, you know it’s worth checking out!
References
Here are some references to support the claims behind the key premises about orgasm control and Karezza found in Cupid’s Poisoned Arrow:
Dopamine and Prolactin Release: Research shows that during orgasm, dopamine levels spike, creating intense feelings of pleasure. However, after orgasm, there is a significant drop in dopamine, leading to a refractory period where sexual interest declines. Prolactin is released post-orgasm and is linked to reduced arousal and the refractory period. Studies have demonstrated that prolactin levels can be up to 400% higher after ejaculation, contributing to post-orgasm fatigue and reduced libido.
Krüger, T. H., Haake, P., Chereath, D., Exton, M. S., Saller, B., & Hartmann, U. (2003). Effects of acute prolactin manipulation on sexual drive and function in males. Journal of Endocrinology, 179(2), 357-365.
Testosterone Levels: Repeated male ejaculation has been found to temporarily lower testosterone levels, which is linked to lower energy and sexual desire. By practicing orgasm control, testosterone levels remain steadier, promoting sustained sexual desire and energy.
Exton, M. S., Truong, T. C., Exton, N. G., Wingenfeld, S. A., Leygraf, N., Saller, B., Hartmann, U., & Schedlowski, M. (2001). Neuroendocrine response to orgasm and sexual arousal in men. Psychoneuroendocrinology, 26(1), 31-44.
Relationship Satisfaction and Emotional Bonding: Karezza and orgasm control emphasize non-orgasmic bonding, which enhances relationship satisfaction by avoiding the post-orgasm drop in emotional connection. Research on couples who practice non-ejaculatory sex shows greater emotional intimacy and long-term satisfaction.
Brody, S. (2006). The relative health benefits of different sexual activities. The Journal of Sexual Medicine, 3(6), 1046-1056.
Emma brings her own experiences to light, creating a space for open conversations on relationships, kinks, personal growth, and the psychology of sexuality. With insights into everything from chastity to emotional fulfillment, she’s here to guide readers on a journey of evolving love and intimacy.
When I first picked up Women Who Run with the Wolves by Clarissa Pinkola Estés, I had no idea how much this book would open my eyes, not just to the wild, untamed spirit within every woman, but also to how I could better understand and enrich my own female-led relationship (FLR). This book feels like a map guiding women back to their instinctual, wild selves—the part of us that society tries so hard to suppress. I purchased the book because I hoped it would help reinforce my strong self and help reinforce my strength even on days when I was feeling weak but I realized that the lessons didn’t just apply to empowerment. There was something deeper, more intimate about how this “wild woman” energy could elevate dynamics in my relationship with Kev. If you haven’t read the book, I highly recommend it along with a few others that I’ll be reviewing over coming weeks.
Rediscovering My Power
One of the major themes in Women Who Run with the Wolves is the idea that women have a strong, primal power. This “wild woman” energy isn’t about being chaotic—it’s about reclaiming the deepest parts of ourselves that have been buried under society’s expectations especially shame. The idea is to rediscover a raw femininity that commands respect, not just from the world but also within our relationships.
In my journey with Kev, I’ve always seen our relationship as a dance where I lead. But after reading this book, I realized that I’ve only just begun to tap into the potential of what I could bring to our marriage. In a female-led relationship, the power dynamic is everything. Understanding the wild woman archetype made me appreciate that the control I wield isn’t just about authority or decision-making—it’s about embodying an ancient, feminine energy that transcends words. It’s instinctual, its natural and it is powerful.
My desire for female dominance and control in my relationship with Kev is, in many ways, a way of seeking the power that I often feel is missing from my day-to-day life. Like many women, I navigate a world that doesn’t always reward assertiveness or autonomy, and where societal expectations often ask us to be small, accommodating, and quiet. It’s not uncommon for me to feel constrained, whether by work, social norms, or simply the pressure to put others’ needs before my own. So, when I step into the role of dominance within my relationship, it’s like stepping into a space where I can finally own my power, express my desires unapologetically, and feel in control of something deeply meaningful. It’s empowering, not just in the sexual sense, but in a broader way that feeds into my confidence and sense of self.
This power dynamic with Kev gives me the freedom to explore the strength I crave but don’t always get to exercise elsewhere. In our FLR, I’m not confined to the roles society tries to impose on me. Instead, I get to lead, decide, and prioritize my own needs. The beauty of it is that Kev doesn’t just accept this; he embraces it with open arms, providing a foundation of trust and love that allows me to flourish. Through his submission, I’m able to tap into a power I’ve always had inside me but didn’t always know how to access. It’s not about controlling him for the sake of it—it’s about finding balance and fulfilling the deeper need for authority and independence that I can’t always express in other areas of life.
A Reflection of the Wild Woman
Let’s talk about erotic humiliation, something Kev and I have come to love in our relationship. Erotic humiliation has always been a form of play that strengthens our bond, blending vulnerability and power in such a thrilling way but also gives purpose to my need for more primal and physical than Kev can give. But before reading Women Who Run with the Wolves, I viewed it as just that—play. Now, it feels like something more, a connection to deeper primal energy.
Why does erotic humiliation work for us? Why does it turn me on so much? Because it taps into that wild, dominant part of me that doesn’t need to apologize for taking control. The humiliation Kev feels isn’t just about making him feel small or submissive—it’s about reinforcing the natural, instinctual balance of power in our relationship. The wild woman doesn’t shy away from her needs or desires, and erotic humiliation is a way for me to assert that unapologetically. I think that’s why SPH, for me, feels like an affirmation of our dynamic—it’s not about demeaning Kev; it’s about embracing the boldness of my sexuality and letting him find pleasure in surrendering to that power.
Male orgasm control is another aspect of our relationship that came into sharper focus after reading Women Who Run with the Wolves. Orgasm control, especially in a cuckold dynamic, is all about asserting dominance and control over your partner’s pleasure. By controlling Kev’s orgasms, I’m not just denying him physical release—I’m guiding him, nurturing him, and ultimately creating a deeper emotional connection met with guidance and support. A primal mothering instinct that is not only powerful like a matriarch but dominant as a queen.
Estés talks a lot about how women, in their wild, untamed state, have the power to nurture, heal, and transform their partners. When I control Kev’s orgasms, I’m not doing it just for the thrill (though, let’s be honest, that part is amazing). I’m guiding him to a place of surrender, where he learns to trust me completely with his body and his pleasure. It’s about creating a deep, instinctual bond where I lead, and he follows willingly. This dynamic isn’t just about control for the sake of control—it’s about using my feminine power to guide and protect our relationship.
So what about cuckolding? For me, taking a new lover has been about more than just having sex with other men while Kev watches. It’s about tapping into my deepest desires and allowing myself to embrace the fullness of my sexuality. To shed the sexual guilt and suppression that society imposes on women. Women Who Run with the Wolves reminded me that sexuality and even promiscuity can be a natural and empowering part of the wild woman’s journey. Society often teaches women to suppress their sexual desires, to feel shame for wanting more than the “norm.” But this book is all about celebrating the wild, untamed parts of ourselves that refuse to be caged. I’m not just indulging in physical pleasure—I’m embracing the wild woman within me who knows what she wants and isn’t afraid to take it. Kev’s role in this is just as important. His submission, his acceptance of my power, makes this dynamic possible. It becomes a dance between the wild woman and her partner, where both parties find fulfillment in their roles. For Kev, it is a a form of submission that allows him to express his vulnerability, and enjoy my female energy as a guiding part of our relationship dynamic. He finds pleasure in my pleasure, and that, in itself, is an act of love. The wild woman doesn’t just take—she gives, and Kev’s surrender is a gift that I cherish deeply.
Relationship Lessons
As I set down Women Who Run with the Wolves, I felt this surge of clarity about my relationship. Here’s what I’ve learned, and here’s what I’m bringing back into my dynamic with Kev:
Embrace the Power of Vulnerability: Erotic humiliation isn’t just about making Kev feel submissive—it’s about creating a space where he can be deeply vulnerable with me. The wild woman doesn’t shy away from vulnerability; she embraces it. Moving forward, I plan to deepen this aspect of our relationship by encouraging Kev to open up even more as we connect after our moments of play.
Strengthen Emotional and Sexual Dominance: The male orgasm is an intimate act that connects us on a primal level. From now on, I’m going to focus not just on the physical aspect of control but on how it nurtures our emotional connection. By guiding Kev’s orgasms, I am protecting our bond, and creating a space where he can trust me completely. That’s something I want to continue to cultivate.
Celebrate My Sexuality: Our marriage has always been been a celebration of our connection and my sexual power, but it reminded me that this is a deeply primal and natural expression of the wild woman. I want to continue exploring this dynamic with Kev, allowing myself to fully embrace my desires without shame or hesitation.
Honor the Wild Woman: Ultimately, this book is about reclaiming the parts of ourselves that society tries to suppress. As a woman in a female-led relationship, I’ve already taken steps to embrace my power, but there’s always more to explore. Moving forward, I want to honor the wild woman within me by continuing to push the boundaries of our relationship.
Making it About Me Myself and I
It isn’t about distancing myself from Kev or asserting dominance for the sake of power; it’s about embracing the better, more empowered person I can become with him by my side. The book emphasizes that true strength doesn’t come from isolation, but from nurturing relationships where both partners support and grow together. Kev’s role as a supportive, nurturing partner is vital to my journey, allowing me to explore my wild, untamed femininity while feeling safe, loved and cherished. His willingness to submit and his support for my growth helps me step more confidently into my power, making our relationship stronger, deeper, and more fulfilling for both of us. Through his unwavering love, I’m able to fully embrace the woman I’m meant to be.
Women Who Run with the Wolves is a book that speaks to every woman’s soul, but for those of us in female-led relationships, it holds a special kind of magic. It reminded me that the power dynamics in my relationship with Kev aren’t just about control or dominance—they’re about embracing my wild, instinctual self and allowing that energy to flow into our dynamic. I’m learning to see many aspects of our relationship as extensions of the wild woman’s power, and I couldn’t be more excited to continue exploring them with Kev by my side. ❤️
“But you don’t have to take my word for it” -Levar Burton
Emma brings her own experiences to light, creating a space for open conversations on relationships, kinks, personal growth, and the psychology of sexuality. With insights into everything from chastity to emotional fulfillment, she’s here to guide readers on a journey of evolving love and intimacy.
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