Blog · Getting Started

Introduction: Taking the Reins

Managing modern relationships can be difficult for both genders. Women can find this especially challenging due to all of the expectations of today’s woman. I don’t know about you but finding a guy who is appreciative of what we go through is challenging if not impossible. I was working on a master’s program in the psychology field and recently had to put that on hold due to the pandemic. In the meantime I’ve continued to use my personal relationships as guinea pigs (sorry fellas). Truth is, they don’t mind because it enhances intimacy, closeness and the overall quality of the relationship. I’ve had a couple long term and very fulfilling relationships that followed this formula. I’ve currently been with my boyfriend whom I reference frequently on this blog. We’ve been together for about five years, have a wonderful relationship and marriage may be in our future.

More attractive women typically have traits that the male mind finds more suitable for reproduction. When you do something to subconsciously limit his ability to find value in a woman, he puts all of that value and admiration directly into you. This may seem manipulative and maybe it is but it directs his hormones and sexual energy in such a way that he is laser focused on your emotional and physical needs. Nobody else in the world can exist but you.

So how does it work?

How can I get my boyfriend/husband to focus his energy on me? The number one thing that I attribute to this success is being in complete control of the sexual aspect of your relationship. I don’t mean that you have to be on top every time, do the act of sex however you want but ensure that he must ask you for sex. If he attempts to initiate sex without asking permission, break off sexual activity and shoo him away.

Maintaining control of his sexual release ensures that you are of sexual value and importance to him. Women are of a certain value to men, prettier women are more valuable than less attractive women. While one can argue that it isn’t fair, that’s fine and frankly I would agree with you but that is just how it is. I know, I’ve upset a few of you. Sorry. My point is that men find value in attractive women because of the prospect of having sex with them. If your limit his sexual release, the inherent value that he sees in you changes and his brain tells him that you are the most valuable woman in his little world. This little brain hack ensures that he doesn’t look elsewhere and his brain fixates directly on you.

If he asks for sex, don’t answer right away. Consider it for a moment before responding. This will ensure that he knows you are weighing the pros and cons and not overly anxious to hop in bed with him. Suggest and tease sex through the day and change your mind once you get home and comfortable. Too tired, headache, explosive diarrhea, we’ve all used these reasons before. You want to show him that sex with him is a privilege and never something that you owe him. Although you want him to sexualize your body, you don’t want him to objectify it. You are in a partnership and both of your bodies are part of the enjoyment of that relationship. Make him feel important to you in all ways but sex, in that department you should make him feel important but unnecessary.

Sex is certainly not something that he will receive from you simply because you promised it earlier in the day. This will continue to reinforce his sexual needs coming second to yours in the relationship. You want to demonstrate a level of sexual superiority and as you build this dynamic, he will begin to feel less confident in the bedroom. As his confidence wanes, he will come to you for more and more of his confidence. Eventually he will come to gain confidence by pleasing you. As such he will be greatly impacted if you are displeased.

Am I advocating that you add an amount of codependency to your relationship? Yep! I think a codependent male is a good thing. The term “codependent” has become so misconstrued that many clinical psychologists don’t even use it anymore. A relationship where you allow each others strengths to offset the others weaknesses will ensure that you are stronger together than you are apart. We all rely on each other in healthy ways and it is beautiful and collaborative.

Building on the strengths of your partner is a form of mutual symbiosis and is certainly not something to be labeled and frowned upon. Keeping your excitement about the prospect of having sex to a minimum will help him foster feelings of inadequacy and bring out some insecurities. This is a good thing, he needs a smack to his male confidence to help boost the importance of your sexual authority.

This is where the male chastity cage comes in to play. The male chastity cage is a small locked metal or plastic device that limits the function of the penis to urinary functions only. You can find these types of devices online or at your local sex shop. A properly fitted device will prevent him from having an orgasm without you first unlocking it. While the device is sold as a sex toy, I advocate the use of this device as a training tool. The cage will prevent him from taking matters in his own hands and it will also subconsciously teach him that sexual satisfaction comes directly from you. While he may see other women that he finds attractive, he will be immediately corrected if his penis becomes erect. I highly recommend that you read my introduction to male chastity blog after you finish this one. You don’t need to do it now, the link will be at the end of this one.

Once you get into the groove of things, you can start making other changes. One of the biggest is to stop sex when you are satisfied even when he isn’t done. Feeling uncomfortable? Feeling satisfied? Feeling bored? Just break it off and tell him that you are done for the evening. He will of course protest at the beginning but you can allow him to go to the restroom and finish himself off if you choose.

Initially sex can continue as normal but as time goes on, you should restrict him to having an orgasm on your terms. If you don’t get off, he shouldn’t either. I personally don’t allow my man to have an orgasm when we have sex and I don’t think you should either. The benefits are enormous when you allow sex to be about the woman’s pleasure. This will ensure that he isn’t always in a hurry to complete the act and leave your pleasure as secondary. After sex, give him a rating of how much you liked it. We use the 1-10 scale but you can also use an A-F scale. Try to give mid-range scores with feedback on what he can do better to please you. You will see that he will be much more receptive to feedback and your pleasure than when he was permitted to ejaculate during sex.

Next comes masturbation. The male sexual arousal and sexual response is night and day different from that of the female. Females are capable of achieving orgasm multiple times and it doesn’t really impact our hormones, certainly not those related to love and pair bonding. Men on the other hand build up hormonal “pressure” in their testicles as sperm is produced. Semen is a mixture of fluid containing hormones and sperm. The hormones in semen are continually digested back into the body after they are produced and allow him to receive heightened levels of Oxytocin, the love hormone. When you allow his body to reabsorb those hormones, you enable him to achieve a different level of hormonal balance. His changes will be numerous and will drastically help support feelings of love and pair bonding in your relationship. If love isn’t there already, this isn’t some magic bullet that will create love from thin air but this is a way to help open his heart and communication in ways that years of therapy wouldn’t be able to reproduce.

Most men masturbate at least once daily. Comb hair, brush teeth, shower, masturbate. There is certainly nothing special about a daily routine item such as this. As such, they have trained their bodies and their hormone (Oxytocin & Testosterone) levels to be very low. This presents a challenge since you will get a man who is interested in having his sexual needs fulfilled but not emotionally able to show you the love that you need for you to be able to feel aroused enough to want to have sex with him. Hormonal changes are the number one reason that sex typically drops off after marriage and relationships quickly become stale.

So how do you get your man to stop wanking? You can try a couple approaches with him. Be honest. Explain everything that I’ve explained here and see how he responds. I recommend that you allow him arousal through the week and full ejaculation on one day per week. This ensures that you’ve allowed his hormone levels to peak and release Oxytocin. If you start to suspect that he isn’t being honest with you and masturbating behind your back you can always test him. During his weekly ejaculation, have him ejaculate on your body so you can see his semen. If the volume is very low or is very watery, he isn’t telling the truth. After a week of pent up cum, it should be thick and there should be a large volume. If not, he is still keeping his old masturbation habits but telling you otherwise. 

The honesty approach typically only works for a short time before he will start lying about masturbating. Think about it, he has a habit that has been going on since he was a teen. If he is in his late twenties, early thirties or older that is quite a habit to break. That is when I go for a tool to help me enforce things. That brings us full circle, back to the cage.

After he is accustomed to the cage and his weekly release schedule, he may go back to asking for sex and whining about release. As we discussed above, this will undermine your dominance and you need to put a stop to this kind of behavior. You now quite literally hold the key to changing his behavior. If you don’t want complaints, ask him nicely to stop. If he doesn’t stop, put your finger to your lips and say shush. Explain to him that each time you have to shush him, he will get an extra day locked up. If he continues, put two fingers to your lips and say shush. The ONLY time that he is able to talk about it, joke about it or even acknowledge the cage is if there happens to be some sort of emergency or if I ask “How are you doing down there?”. Punishments can be soft at first but the cage isn’t meant to be a topic of conversation or even a punishment. If left unchecked, you will find that he wants to talk about it constantly. Some of this may be his way of passive aggressively reminding you that you’ve got him locked but he needs to stop pestering and acknowledge that this is simply a new way of doing your relationship. 

I’ve found that a week is a good time for most guys but you can extend that as long as you want. You want him to be obedient and compliant but you if he starts to act depressed or resentful you may want to adjust. Just be careful to keep an eye on his moods until you figure out the length of time that is perfect for him and his hormones. I’ll add a article about what I’ve found with various lockup periods.

You might ask yourself why he would he agree to all of this. The answer is because he craves a woman who takes the uncertainty out of sex for him. Sex can be confusing and all-consuming for a man since every fiber of their being requires that they empty those balls on a very regular basis. In his heart, he knows the damage that his regular ejaculations are doing to your relationship because he feels emotionally disconnected after his self-love sessions. With your guidance, he realizes that the emptying of his balls is no longer is up to his whim. You benefit because he is no longer pestering you because there are now consequences for the ask. He will come to realize that much of his day is spent trying to plant innuendo in ways that will convince you to sleep with him. He will try to do the same thing to get you to unlock him but will find that he feel stripped of that power, that obligation to his animal side. He can now rest assured that someone else has taken that burden from him and he can focus on his daily life.

You may be slightly turned off at this notion, thinking that you would want a man because he is truly interested and not just because you are harnessing his sex drive. The thing to remember is that you are only able to control him in this way because he is allowing you to do so. He wants your control so he can be a better partner and he knows that you will do a better job than his urges and hormones will do. His love for you is what allows him to accept your help and your guidance to strengthen your relationship. The fact of the matter is, he will fall deeper in love with you as you increasingly exert your sexual power and control over him.

Energy and time that was previously spent trying to convince or barter with you to sleep with him, masturbating is now redirected to you, work, hobbies or other priorities. You are redefining his masculinity and he now knows that the sexual aspect of his life is outside of his control and he only faces consequences when he tries to influence your sexual plans for him. After a short while, you and he will both appreciate a much more healthy, positive, emotionally positive, sexually rewarding and productive relationship. Within a week your relationship will twist, turn and by the time you are ready to unlock him, you will be amazed at the person that he has become. Sometimes I will hold his locked cock in my hand and have a conversation, the reassurance of my hand will really allow him to open up and speak with a significantly heightened level of communication. It will almost seem like the unspent sperm cells are somehow converting themselves to brain cells because he will seem emotionally smarter within just a couple days.

In summary. Start taking control of your relationship by limiting his orgasms to once per week and slowly try to bring a cock cage and pegging into your relationship if you can. If you can make him feel like these ideas are his own, it will be much easier. It is doubtful that you will ever get him to want to be locked up but you may gain his acceptance that he needs to be locked up. Men are very eager to please us and if he can see how much happier he is making you, he just might understand why this is a need for your relationship. After all, it is a scientific fact that men get sad after having an orgasm or after having sex. Males are fundamentally different than us and that isn’t a bad thing.

We need to look at it from a purely scientific approach and mold our relationship goals around the needs of our men. Don’t think less of him or get too frustrated about his constant needs, this is how men are designed and the constant filling and draining of his reproductive fluids is just something that comes with his gender. None of my suggestions should create work for you. On the contrary, we usually find that this allows you to feel more comfortable with the playfully sexual behaviors that you’ve repressed to minimize the pressure that you feel to have sex.

In fact, you will find that with a few simple tweaks to your daily routine these guidelines will significantly increase the happiness and overall health of your relationship. Most of the changes are on him and will come naturally with some tweaks to his sexual expectations and some very minor tweaks to your relationship. Once you learn to control his urges, you will have an emotionally present man who is capable of maintaining a relationship that is rewarding for both of you.

What kind of a man would let you do all of this to him? The answer is – a man that cares about you and wants to make you happy. Typically more intelligent men who are able to be self-aware enough to realize how they are treating you as it relates to their sexual releases. You will find that more submissive men tend to gravitate towards this sort of behavior since they are more in touch with feelings and crave the emotional side of the relationship and same closeness that you do. Nobody is looking to emasculate your man and turn him into some sort of a doormat. The goal is to use his body to help smooth out some of his rough edges and bring the romance and courtship back into your relationship.

Still don’t believe me? Give it a shot for a few days, i’m not asking you for any money and you will have fun doing it. I promise. Give your love freely, have sex freely and frequently, tease him freely, be playful about sex and enjoy each other to the fullest extent that you can. The only thing you need to control is his ejaculations and you can let science do the rest.

This site is a place for you to share ideas and opinions to help us work together to understand how to best manage relationships and the men that make us happy. Welcome!

Thanks for reading! Please introduce yourself on the forum.

5 3 votes
Article Rating
Subscribe
Notify of
27 Comments
Oldest
Newest Most Voted
Inline Feedbacks
View all comments
Jess

You are one crazy lady. I feel sorry for your boyfriend.

jack-ofnomer

You sound more clever than crazy to me!

subhubphx

@Jess
Not surprisingly, most men in the know would envy her boyfriend.  He’s a lucky man.

devotionandlove

Dear Emma, I perfectly agree with your post and I confirm that for a male the reactions under orgasm controll (with and without cage) are exactly as you described.
I would like to add some details experienced in my last two years…
During first weeks/months the man would continuously ask for release or at least he will try to speak about sex, so it’s necessary to be very fair but clear and demanding to stop this, some hard punishments can help a lot… in my case I remember once …she added a whole week to my release with very hard teasing session in the morning and in the night… since then I never asked for sex when unauthorized..
Another important detail in my previous experience is a kind of training to renforce male strengh and will to controll himself to serve her better and better (incrasing the pleasure of the relationship in the end).
Usually in that condition (with the cage) the orgasm becomes almost the only man’s goal: this is not good because for reciprocal happines the final goal is woman’s pleasure (and therefore male pleasure to serve her and finally his own orgasm). So after some days of arousal, teasing etc, unlock him an tell him (under your supervision) “would you like to masturbate for me? while I watch and appreciate your beautiful body and wonderful cock” you can imagine the reaction…. but tell him that the masturbation must be very slow and that the speed is under your control… of course you know that approaching the orgasm the man wants to increase speed while you’ll ask to slow down and sometimes pause, and repeat as long as you want. This requires a very high will and self control, in the end (when you want, 15 minutes or two hours is always up to woman’s decision) you simply say “I would appreciate a lot if now you stop and wait for your release next week…I like so much to see you so horny dear, but if you like we can put the cage on and then you can lick me to orgasm”.
Of course I’ve tried to explain the idea, words are only for this (sorry because I can’t explain exactly emotions in english) and every couple will find the natural way of doing it, but I can assure that within some months the man will increase a lot his will and his self control with very pleasurable results for him and expecially his Lady

subhubphx

Love this ………

Usually in that condition (with the cage) the orgasm becomes almost the only man’s goal: this is not good because for reciprocal happines the final goal is woman’s pleasure (and therefore male pleasure to serve her and finally his own orgasm).”

This is an incredibly important thing for any man that is retaining or having his orgasms/ejaculations controlled. Only the man really ever knows but if the goal for the man is orgasm, it is my belief that there is a structural deficiency in the relationship that will prevent him, and in particular her, from reaping the relationship benefits of orgasm control and retention through chastity.

devotionandlove

once after this game she said “I want that even when you masturbate you feel that I control you, I perfectly know the speed and the way that YOU like, but you will do what I like”
This was wanderful for male devotion😉

Steve1

Hi, Emma how much male orgasm control enhanced intimacy, closeness and the overall quality of your relationship?What are the benefits and advantages of man who practices semen retention? Women can evolve and cultivate good values and habits in men,if they control theirs orgasm and sex life. Free ejaculators take women for granted,they are egoist, instead men who retein respect women,take care of their needs,they want to please and serve them. They know women come first,your satisfaction and pleasure are their priority.Thanks

jd

Emma, just rereading around in your blog I feel compelled to repeat your statement, “I agree. If ejaculations are controlled, conversations happen and feelings flow freely even though the semen doesn’t. Intimacy has increased exponentially and we are closer than ever. I am not afraid to show him physical intimacy – previously I was afraid that intimacy and affection would lead to expectations of sex.”
That this might describe the frame of mind of not just you but that of many younger and older women, of the woman in my life, is a little mind boggling for me. I’m not wanting to dispute this at all but wish you would unpack it for the thick-headed among us (namely me). Accepting the statement that ejaculation control leads to communication and communication to intimacy you seem to be saying that emotional intimacy eliminates your fear of expressing physical intimacy and that from the former flows the latter. But in the next sentence you say that (without ejaculation control) you had feared that intimacy (emotional?) would lead to physical or sexual intimacy. Does the difference between these two have to do with a quantity of intimacy? There is more when he is controlled or when you are controlling him, and reaching a certain threshold trust allows physical affection to be expressed, or is the character of the intimacy simply different. Is it simply that the intimacy with a retaining man, a caged man isn’t predicated on his ultimately being the penetrator and so it is somehow less threatening or more authentic? Is this the sex barter issue?
JD

jack-ofnomer

Emma, you mentioned you used this approach in a couple long term and fulfilling relationships in the past. I hope this is not too personal, but did those relationships end due to standard relationship issues or did your requirement to retain or having an FLR create a challenge your past boyfriends could not accept?

Herwish

I’m glad I stumbled across your blog. My wife and I just started using a cage and she is seeing some added benefits. We have been together for 30 years and have an active sex life. I rarely masturbate solo as it just does not have the enjoyment it does with her involved. Three years ago I offered her my service in an FLR. She was hesitant at first put began enjoying daily foot massages and help around the house. About a 18 months ago she started limiting my orgasms. I had some difficulties as I was going from five orgasms a week to two and then to less than one. Occasionally, I ask myself why I want this as it seems very restrictive to my wants. My answer always comes around to my discovery of enjoying her pleasure and feeling submissive to her.
This was a great post – Thanks

Zachary

You don’t love your boyfriend. In a healthy relationship the woman wants to fuck the man and sex is not something that is weaponized. This strategy only works with betas who lack the self-respect and confidence to get sex elsewhere. You would be more happy with a real man that you desired to have sex with at all times. Desire cannot be negotiated. If you take a long hard look at your relationship, you should realize that you don’t desire your boyfriend but the power your relationship brings. It’s sad.

khorina5

Great post! i think this shift will become naturally more and more common as those who participate are SUPER satisfied and fulfilled!

Sad to read some of the comments. In my industry (Information Technology) there’s lots of men and women are commonly mistreated (sexualized, considered less, disrespected in other ways).

Phenious

Wait a minute, wait a minute, wait a minute, hold the phone, stop the Bus. You 2 have been together for five Years???

Kevin, buddy, what the hell are you waiting for?????

Emma is smart, funny and cares about you deeply. This whole blog is a giant love letter about you and how much she loves you and how she wants your relationship to amazing.

Don’t waste time like I did. I was with the love of my life for 12 years before I committed. It was too long.

When you find someone who not only completes you, but wants you to be a better version of yourslef…you put a ring on it.

My wife and got married in Vegas and it was amazing. Simple and intimate.

Sorry if this is none of my business but you both seem so in love.

Being Husband and Wife takes your relationships to another level. I thought I was in love with my wife before getting married…that love pales in comparison to what we have as Man and Wife.

Sorry for derailing the topic. But I have been reading this blog about a wonderful Woman who loves a Good Man and she is always talking about how she wants him to be better.

To me it just seems right.

I am sorry if I offended both you, but sometimes my heart just needs to speak.

Sincerely,

Phenious a.k.a Adam.

Vikter

It took us close 7 years of being together before we officially got married. Even then when we did we eloped because fornicate everyone else’s expectations. My family is large and many are well off so a wedding is expected.

Even with that I only proposed because I was told I was allowed to. This was well before any FLR aspects, she had always told me she was not sure about marriage to begin with. We picked out a ring together and I got to pick when where and how I did it. Half way into planning we realized it was a shot show and not worth our time, so we decided to do it our way and have fun with it instead. We had a killer 1 year anniversary party though. That was very low key and much more enjoyable. You don’t need to be a fiancee for long if that’s the only gripe.

jd

Phenious,
I can’t speak to how your call to action will be received but I’m sure that your enthusiasm for Emma and Kevin is widely shared in the peanut gallery. Who here wouldn’t want to help heft the chairs on which these two sat and dance the hora. 
jd