My fears and concerns

I posted this in response to one of Tora's stories and Emma asked me to move the discussion to here so I hope this is the right part of the forum.

I am an actual trauma survivor and it massively triggers me when every day I see a new blog encouraging women to humiliate and degrade their men. I do have unresolved trauma and PTSD and I am in therapy for it.

I admit I’ve not read all the blogs but I'm trying to make my way through them. I have read some on aftercare and I quoted one because it simply talks about her aftercare and how he can help her after a cuckold visit. How he can clean her, how he can run her a bath, how he can do all different things for her, but nothing for him apart from some empty thanks for him allowing her to get exactly what she wants while he gets nothing. That’s not true aftercare because he’s not getting cared for. His humiliation, jealousy and frustration are all being ignored completely while she states how much of a good evening she had. In the same aftercare blog even it continues to make more and more extreme examples of him helping her, but nothing for him apart from empty platitudes.

One thing I will say is the blog today 

 explains clearly about some of the more day to day dynamics which I’ve never been able to find elsewhere. I loved this blog and hope do more like these are posted.

Emma mention that these activities are entered into by consenting adults with safe words and boundaries except safe words are never mentioned (that I have found in the recent blogs anyway) boundaries are mentioned in the aftercare but nowhere else. It’s a bit late to be checking boundaries in aftercare. Besides, I’ve never seen an aftercare blog which truly cares for him? If anyone can link one I’d be glad to read it. All the ones I’ve read talk about aftercare for her only and as I said before he gets empty platitudes.

I’d also enjoy the blogs about healing, devotion, emotional safety, boundaries and communication as well, as long as these give equal focus on his as well as hers as most I’ve read only focus on hers. Quite what healing and emotional safety she needs I don’t know when she’s getting everything she wants and gets to watch her husband suffer for it and enjoy his suffering.

Where have anyone got this idea many men link humiliation with tapping into positive emotions like closeness. How can negative emotions like fear, terror and jealousy and frustration, help anyone tap into anything positive?

Emotional vulnerability is tricky as if one is vulnerable then you’re open to being hurt as well as I know to my personal cost but yes it can also lead to pleasure. Basically vulnerability is letting one’s guard down. If, when my guard is down my theoretical wife sticks a proverbial dagger in me, do you think I’m going to show vulnerability again? 

However if like my ex, when I’m vulnerable and she provides a loving safe space and truly cares for me, my feelings and my emotional safety then that leads me to trusting her implicitly and being vulnerable with her much more often. She and I were close and I tapped into my emotions, not through her humiliating me but through tenderness, love and care.

I'm happy to hear Emma is adding additional notes on Tora’s stories because while they are effective in drawing readers into the story, their lack of details re consent, re safewords, re choices etc makes them highly problematic with reference to consent. I also read the story linked about hate and I was tempted to use it as another example myself, since again it involves the usual contempt and disregard for husbands that appears in all Tora's writings I’ve read so far.

Tora's use of the word hate didn’t trigger me as much as other stories, as I was expecting her to write how men are useless, how women should use and abuse them and I wasn’t disappointed. It just featured in a different way in this story. Frustration and boredom with one's partner is a deep seated struggle that everyone goes through, not just women, hence the rise in divorce rates. I’ll say as I always do, if one hates ones partner or isn’t satisfied then leave. Don’t cheat either physically, emotionally or as in this story fantasise. Women rip men to pieces for watching porn because the men are getting off to other women’s bodies. However apparently it’s fine for women to fantasise about other men. The hypocrisy is blatant in this story.

My boundaries, desires and needs are clear. I want to be in an FLR. I want to meet a dominant woman. However one who will never humiliate, degradate, never tell me how useless I am, never tell me that I’m not enough for her, never tell me how small I am and never deliberately hurt me.

I’m looking for a strong loving, courageous leader who will be my captain as I’m her lieutenant. She’ll be my queen as I’m her knight. She’ll recognise my skills, my talents and my uses and will utilise them all to lift us both up as a couple. I can be her biggest supporter, the wind beneath her wings, as long as our relationship is one of mutual respect, mutual love and mutual care, but where she’s in command.

The finest commanders, the best CEOs, the best generals recognise and utilise the skills of those below them. The worst commanders, the worst CEOs are the ones who take what those below them provide and never give anything back. All Emma's recent blogs and Tora’s stories are all about women only taking and giving nothing back except empty platitudes and half hearted attempts to show that somehow a man who’s been told how useless, small and unsatisfying he is, actually enjoys being told this.

There may be men that do enjoy this, I’ll admit. However I suspect the number of men who instead enjoy being vulnerable and during that vulnerability, being provided a safe space, to cry and show other emotions which men are usually told to suppress, far outweigh the ones who get off on the humiliation. One catches more flies with honey than with vinegar after all.

One of the problems in the world is the patriarchy and how it tells men to suppress their emotions apart from anger and hate. If we want to get men to express their emotions in a healthy way, starting with humiliating them is absolutely the worst thing anyone can do.

There is a reason gentle femdom exists after all. This style of femdom perfectly encapsulates encouraging men to be vulnerable, to be submissive, devoted and safe precisely because it offers safety for the men to do so as gentle femdom is just that, gentle, caring and helping men to be vulnerable. However most FLRs I’ve yet found take the opposite approach of pain, humiliation and degradation.

Marissa Rudders books on FLR start out as a mixture of reverse incel/ Andrew Tate philosophy in that they claim over and over again that men are inferior in every way and, which if they were spoken by a man about women, would have that man lambasted like Tate is.

The first book contains some wisdom amongst her views about love, respect and communication, and yet the following books immediately descend into telling women how to use, and abuse their men for their own pleasure without caring for their men at all. It’s all about the woman’s pleasure, her goals, her aspirations. Nothing about his and quite the reverse.

If I am ever to successfully get into and FLR and my partner didn’t care anything about my goals, my aspirations and my pleasure because those didn’t matter as only hers matter then the relationship would be dead before it started.