Hi Emma,
I know you are busy but I hope you don’t mind me asking a few questions? Otherwise, I understand if you just have too much on.
I have been reading through your articles. Mostly just before bed, and not everything sticks. I also know you have written a tremendous amount and have probably covered what I am asking. Anyway, I have been thinking about these things for several days or longer and decided just to write.
One of the last few articles I read was about discipline; and I think the last one on cuckoldry to heal trauma. First I want to say I find the FLR, cuckold and humility, extremely sexually stimulating but I am separating all that from the current pursuit of just trying to understand myself and why it is. It’s the psychology I am interested in and your articles have helped me much more than from all the purely cuckold stuff I looked into. I went from pure cuckoldry to FLR. FLR information gave me so much more depth and understanding to everything. Coming here I have found concepts and ideas I was totally clueless about. So where I am at the moment is just try try to establish a foundation of understanding. I have a vision of what you are showing here but I can’t quite grasp it. I think I can see a system. A system to train men. I feel I am just identifying the parts at the moment and nowhere near to understanding how to manipulate the pieces; which is fine. I will try to get to the point.
A few days back, I was reading about how you used to discipline your husband. For example stand in a set spot and have some quiet time. Spanking is another one etc. so all this is swirling in my mind; and I just thought that the wife is like the mother. That stopped me. The husband is the child and the wife is the mother. Then the article on trauma. I don’t believe I have had trauma. Maybe I have but not an event I can point to. Then I had another uncomfortable thought. Are sub men, asking too much of women? And even more so, if we push for a cuckold relationship? I genuinely became upset because it’s like we are dumping on women again, saying, your my wife; it’s your responsibility to heal me. Am I missing something Emma? Shouldn’t men just go off and fix themselves without asking women to shoulder the responsibility? And I am saying this in relation to the education, that women have to take; to be able to work the system and evolve their men. There is a lot of time and effort going in and I genuinely have started to feel it probably isn’t fair.
Ok, then I had another thought that shocked me. I am not sure how to put this. I feel like I am alone on these points. Again, I used to spend my time in a more or less cuckold porn world. Specifically interested in bringing in black men as The bull. Again, I understand, this is completely outside of what you do here. My thought was this: if the wife was a mother figure; is the black bull the father figure? That sounds stupid but again I am just trying to work out my own personal psychology. In this fantasy black bull world; we give him all the qualities we would like to have. We look up to him for these qualities. I am personally on the short side; a bull is taller. I spent a long time in a gym, but bulls are more muscular. I am a bit slow with women, they are suave, sophisticated and self assured. My penis is smaller, theirs can be huge. I personally look up to them. In my fantasies at least; they are the one having sex with the lady of the house. They are a dominant character and I am submissive. In my fantasies; while he is with my wife, I am washing his car. If you take the sex side of that out; then he a dominant respected figure. Isn’t that a father?
So that is more or less is where my thoughts are. Am I completely wrong with this because I have never seen it put like this but also I am a bit swamped with ideas.
There are two other things I want to mention. Emma please ignore this whole message if you are busy; I mean that. Sometimes writing things out helps me and that is what I am really doing here.
The two topics are pegging and cum eating. With pegging; I have read some of your articles but I don’t have a connection to the topic. It’s not real to me. I feel like it should be but emotionally; I am not feeling anything. I am not saying I don’t like it or I wouldn’t do it. Just with all these things you mention; I really go crazy about but pegging is like a blank spot. Anyway nothing you can do about that. I will keep reading.
The last topic is cum eating. I did read the article; can’t remember it; will read again. However I want to ask, what is the purpose of the task? I usually can see or look for the connection of different points. I believe you have mentioned, that it is a show of dominance? It’s also intended to prepare the husband to clean up cum from another man? I am actually meaning that that would be the first and second steps and a third would be to give oral to the boyfriend. I am not saying you have to do all of those steps but if you laid everything out it would look like this? If so, why would the wife want to see the husband suck other men? I am not being aggressive at all with this just don’t know the best way to ask it. From the small experience I have had; it’s probably the one thing that has surprised me the most. Specifically; that it not very unusual; from that population of wives into all of this; to want their straight husbands; to suck their boyfriend. Again; am I completely off on this? I don’t know if you ever had an account with New Tumbler. They started up after Tumblr started to delete porn and people’s accounts. I think they only lasted 18 months but I loved it there. Anyway I met an older guy there and older is let’s say 65 plus. He told me he had been sucking cock for 20 yrs. I asked if he was gay because we had been just talking about his wife. I was genuinely confused. He laughed and said no; and just added that his wife liked to watch him suck men. I was totally clueless but looking back it was a FLR. I didn’t know enough to ask questions. I want to add he also proved what he said. He had photos in a pdf. One of him and one of his wife. He had been cuckolded for 20 yrs.
so just to be clear, I am wondering how common it is for women in this lifestyle to want to see their husbands suck? That is just a personal interest as women blow my mind. The other question is what is trying to be achieved here?
Sorry it is very long. It was always going to be. Just leave it if you want Emma.
Damn, I just remembered one more question. If cuckoldry is healing men’s trauma; does it mean that this lifestyle will come to a natural end?
Regards
Allen
I think you’re really circling around something very interesting here. What you’re describing with a wife as the nurturing mother figure a bull as the father figure does start to cross over to some therapy terms. Specifically IFS (Internal Family Systems) therapy which says that we all carry parts inside us that reflect different roles and unmet needs. It's not like we are actually looking to the wife and bull as mother and father figures, we see them as representative of that sort of role or structure and those roles may get externalized. The wife takes on the caring, loving, grounding, protective role; the bull often embodies the strong, confident, aspirational qualities that we associate with a strong a father figure. The husband then gets to explore vulnerability, dependency, and submission in ways that echo that child role.
I won’t dig too deep here — I think it’s a topic I’ll save for a blog post and maybe even run by a therapist friend who can help with the exploration of roles and their needs more deeply. But you’re not off-base in sensing a deeper psychological system at play. Modern marriage dynamics are much more complex than they appear at surface level and they do have the potential to be healing in some ways. Sometimes the sexual charge or motiviation for modern marriage kinks is really about giving attention to those inner parts of ourselves that never fully got what they needed.
Do I think a cuckold relationship has the potential to heal a man's trauma? Sure, I think it is possible and I also think that the healing presence could be the long term existence of those roles. Great thought, thank you for sharing!
You inspired a three part series, here is the first part.
https://evolvingyourman.com/the-cuckold-inner-child-husbands-emotional-needs/
Thank you Emma,
your response really shook me. Don’t know how to express it but it has really helped me lot and I really appreciate it. I have just read and responded to part 1. I was so excited to get some really brilliant answers to my questions, that I was jumping ahead and asking; “Emma, what about all this from the wife’s side?” 😂 Then I read that is part 2. Brilliant. I am so intrigued to know the topic of part 3 but I want to keep that hidden from myself and just speculate on it.
I want to mention a few things. Your clarification that it isn’t about wanting a mother figure or a father figure actually helped a lot. It corrected my leaning into a direction that I knew was wrong but looking back at the same time from where I started and feeling that was right.
Another thing I see a connection to, I think on your article on single males doing their own caging. Half of me feels it’s irrelevant, pathetic, and depressive without a partner. However I remember feeling some connections to it. It’s just all so interconnected and confusing.
I had another thought and it was on the relevance of penis size. I can’t help thinking that it is a central trigger. I am completely straight but think a big penis is a status symbol. And I think men care more about this than women. I can’t express myself on this topic but I think a lot of psychological things that are going in different directions are connected to it. You cover here small penis humiliation as one topic. I want to say caging as a second topic; although I couldn’t explain the connection. In the same way, I think cuckolding is connected. I guess because you are looking up to a bigger man. There is also the fetish around comparing the husband and boyfriend.
In terms of another man coming into the relationship or marriage; many people freak out at the idea. I can understand that. I am dealing with the fantasy and not the reality. In a practical sense, I can see issues around simply finding someone to fit the role. It’s easy to imagine someone but how do you find someone who can play the role? My ex started sleeping with another guy and never told me about him until she moved in with him. We stayed together and I became friends with the other guy.
I have moved off point. You asked the question of the feeling of sexualising the relationship with the bull. I guess I would be asking who is the bull? I guess it would have to be a safe space; I guess the wife would need to be present an be the unquestioned authority in the room. How would I feel though? I think it is such a big thing that it’s hard for me to imagine.
There is another thing that I had as an insight into about myself; that surprised me. I guess it’s having secrets with your partner. Shared secrets, that are intimate and pull you together. In the same sense, another interest I have, is hidden rooms. I saw on Instagram, a company that builds these. As an example; the whole staircase just lifts up, and it is the doorway into the secret room. I just love that. So it appeals to me, that family and society looks at me and has an opinion. There is an expectation; and it would please me very much if they were wrong.
I will start another paragraph here but refer to that last question; in order to emphasise it. Is this wanting to have a secret life a part of… i think you called it cuckold therapy? To be doing the unexpected in the privacy of your own home? From the sexual perspective it drives me crazy but what about just the psychology? I am thinking about this as a stand alone thing, as a discipline thing with a wife or partner but probably even more so in circling back to the question of a cuckold situation and more so again in terms of being dominated by the bull and the sexualising of that situation with the bull. In other words a lifestyle that absolutely know one you know could or ever would possibly guess. I have seen a few cartoon images that I have never forgotten. One was of the husband washing the bull’s car in the driveway; while through the window in the background; you see the top of the wife’s head and the upper body of a black man. The wife is obviously on her knees. The second cartoon was the husband across the knees of a black bull while his wife kept an eye on the situation. So for me to be humiliating by the bull and in front of the wife is very powerful.
One last thing Emma, and sorry this is so long again. I have an online female friend who I used to do cuckold fantasy with. We no longer do sex chat but remain close friends and it is a few years later now. The cuckold chat with her was very powerful. I have never been so sexually excited in my life. It released something in me. This experience taught me to love. To genuinely care about…not just someone; it taught me to love. It wasn’t “I love you,” it was; “I have learnt to love.”
Thank you again Emma; sorry again for the length. I really appreciate you doing these three articles but also; all the articles you have written.
best wishes
Allen