Thanks. Yes, he wants to stay. They have a real bond.
Our relationship has always been very intimate. It's why it's so wonderful, but it's also why I feel the sting and the pain (if I'm honest) from her wanting to give herself to him. We are both emotional people and feel deeply. I have spent ages recently, reassuring her and supporting her (and wiping away tears) as she feels guilty for what she is doing, while we are both now 100% committed to her personal growth and exploration. She is 41, she deserves the right to immerse herself in her own sexuality at last. And it's been wonderful to see her grow so confident with her sexuality.
I understand now there's a definite masochistic element to cuckolding, at least for me, even while I know neither she or him are going anywhere.
I sensed the depth of emotions for sure and an intimate bond. I appreciate your honesty. I think the sting and pain you feel is real. I feel a sting and pain thinking about it. Where does that feeling come from? Also, it seems there’s self-awareness, communication, and trust you’ve built? Maybe that’s provided safety for her. And maybe how you’re holding space for her to evolve.
I think the sting / pain comes from that part of me that is scared to lose her.
I know she loves me, I know she is sincere in that and 90% of me knows she wouldn't leave me in a million years. But the fact remains, just a couple of months ago she was saying Martin is just a "toy". She even stopped seeing him for a bit (but couldn't stay away - that was when the penny dropped for me).
We talk, talk, talk and talk. We have got used to being incredibly frank with each other. It works because of the strong foundations we have. Neither of us have yet felt undermined or unheard. We both feel like our foundations are unshakeable.
...and yes, we have worked to establish a platform for her to explore. She repressed her sexual core until she met me aged 38. She knew I had kinks and our first conversations were about how its possible to experience things not just think about them. I helped build that platform for her because I want her to use it.
She spent her 20's and 30's unconsciously repeating the mistake of dating self-identifying Alphas. She always thought men were selfish and always ended up disappointed. For such a smart woman, it's amazing she never took a step back to reassess. But she was following a path that was expected of her.
(apologies for writing War & Peace here)
Then, to blow my own trumpet (!) she met me and things started to open up for her. She said "my world changed". I encouraged her - with her naughty urge to be exhibitionist (several VERY happy delivery drivers, people under glass walkways, early 20's lads on holidays, fellow gym members...) outdoor sex, sex with a woman... she was picking things up, trying them, having a blast with most of them, and deciding whether to stick with them. But I was the constant.
Then the urge to see a Dom. She had had a very large penis on holiday before, it hurt her but she had a big O on it just from penetration and in spite of (because of?) the discomfort. She wanted to explore that after masturbating to the memory. So we found a guy, fairly local, through a mutual friend, drew up boundaries (none of them were "don't fall for my wife" - hindsight eh...!!!) which he has stuck to throughout. He's a friend to us both. She has experienced things she thought other people were making up - subspace, through overstimulation and being overwhelmed, being the main one. They have experienced intense and wonderful things together. She sees him as dominant, capital D and lower case. He gives her incredible physical pleasure. She orgasms like never before.
So yeah, that's the result of the foundations we built for her to express herself. She might eventually tire of this phase too. She might not. Maybe she still wants the Alpha for breeding and that's what's behind it - we have been trying for a long time. Right now I think Martin is part of our lives for good.
Hope I didn't bore you. I'm grateful to you for listening and responding in a way that makes me feel you really get this. I can't talk to anyone else around us about it, except for Sarah and Martin!! 🙏
PS short version - fear of losing her is the Biggie. Being denied penetrative sex with her is a major change for us, we have been like rabbits til now. So yeah of course part of me feels like she's moving away. I'm good at seeing the big picture, keeping things in context. But still.....phew, it's tough sometimes.
We'll be together, closer than close, fucking and laughing in 20 years time, thinking back to now and grinning at each other about it. Still the most likely outcome I think when I zoom out for the big pic.
Circling back, it seems you gave her safety? If I understood correctly- ofc my opinion- a man that can provide a woman safety - all encompassing-is such a profound feeling. For me that says I accept all of your parts.
Yes, I hear that- fucking like rabbits. And then that sexual bond- just taken away?
May I ask what changed?
Thanks I hope so (I provide her safety). That was the aim. Her need - not want - to explore her sexuality was clear, I wanted to help with that but also as I saw it, I really had to, it was undeniable. I love her, and for me, loving someone means among other things boosting her every chance I get.
I think Sarah would say (she's not back from her latest stay with him yet) the sexual bond hasn't been taken away with my denial. My orgasms are far fewer - just one since she told me she was giving him exclusivity - but we are still physically very intimate, and emotionally so too.
She suddenly realised this was all so real. She really could be with this man. It wasn't just a game. When she broke it off with him (partly I think with the aim of protecting our relationship) she realised she couldn't be without him. And I knew that, and was relieved when she said she needed him and was going to ask for him back. Then, after another break - a week in Greece for her and me when she was without him - when they reconnected after she knew she didn't just love him but was in love with him. She knew she wanted to give him something valuable and felt he deserved total exclusivity.
Also, he gives her more intense experiences than me, thrilling new experiences, and more intense orgasms.
So nothing changed between me and her. Again I think she would tell you she has always been very happy with our sex life and would remain so.
What changed was she wanted to make him her sexual focus. To truly give herself to him. So a way for her to demonstrate her love for him and commitment to him. She finally realised she was allowed to do that, and as soon as that realisation happens... she wanted to wallow in their relationship.
Incidentally - Martin and I remain friends. He always felt lucky to be allowed in on our marriage and to have time with Sarah. I tell him it's not luck. She is drawn to qualities he has, and has the freedom to realise that attraction. Martin and I are spending time together this coming weekend. To hang out, talk about travel and sport and things we are both interested in, and to hear each others perspectives on where we are, now he is her sexual focus.
My philosophy is - if I encourage her to be as fulfilled as possible, to be as happy and supported as possible, then I am her hero. If I stood in her way, allowed jealousy to thwart her desires, she might eventually become resentful. From that perspective, encouraging her to express her feelings for him without any restriction is a total no-brainer. More than that, it's the ONLY way to genuine long-term happiness and to keep building on our mutual respect and love.
But yeah it's still hard (in every sense!) when she is with him not me. I still feel rejected, I feel that denial. My balls are heavy, and ache, but I feel it most in my heart. Sometimes I have to give myself a talking-to.... "Big picture Dan, big picture.... long game...." (this is also to the benefit of my sex life with her, just the rewards are...changed).
Have a great Thursday 😀