Hey everyone, it’s Emma here. I want to share a journey that Kev and I went through and how it completely transformed our oral play and yet another progression in our sexual dynamic. When Kev and I first started exploring deeper oral intimacy, we hit an unexpected wall, his gag reflex. And when I say gag reflex, I mean serious gag reflex. This boy gagged on basically anything. Toothbrush in the morning? Gag. Carrot went too far back in his throat at dinner? Yet another gag. Trying to get comfortable with a toy or my strap-on? Gag. Even just touching the back of his tongue in a playful way? Gag. It was simultaneously adorable and, let’s be real, a bit of a mood killer.
I love seeing Kev react, seeing him gag a little from overstimulation can be fun—there’s a certain vulnerability and eroticism to it but when that’s literally all there is and when it becomes an excuse to avoid oral play completely, it starts to get frustrating. You want variety. You want him to be present, responsive, and adventurous. So, we embarked on a mission, a journey to understand and conquer his gag reflex.
Why We Have the Gag Reflex
First, let’s get into why this exists. The gag reflex, technically called the pharyngeal reflex, is a protective mechanism. Our bodies are wired to prevent choking or swallowing something potentially harmful. When certain areas at the back of the mouth or throat are touched, the body triggers a gag response. It is nature’s little punishment for not chewing our food sufficiently. For some, like Kev, this reflex is hyper-sensitive; for others, it barely registers.
There are two types of gag reflexes:
- Somatic Gag Reflex: This is the physical side, triggered by actual contact with sensitive spots in the mouth like the soft palate, the uvula, or the very back of the tongue.
- Psychogenic Gag Reflex: This is more mental. Anxiety, anticipation, or even just thinking about deep oral play can trigger a gag response, even if nothing is touching the back of the throat.
For Kev, it was a mix of the two. His physical reflex was extremely sensitive, but part of it was mental he dreaded gagging so much that his body anticipated it. Understanding this the difference is important to working on both of them.
Train the Gag Away
Gag reflexes aren’t “bad” in fact, watching a little bit of a gag can be be very hot. That moment of vulnerability, that small gasp or cough, can make a partner feel cute and responsive. It can create a nice little moment of sympathy and acknowledgement about the size of the thing he is gagging on. If gagging becomes the main focus of every session, it limits what you can do together. It can make oral play feel awkward, pressured, or incomplete.
When Kev would gag on everything, I found myself doing a lot more of the oral play with Erik. Not that I mind being in control, it’s part of our dynamic but when I’m trying to explore my own pleasure or when Erik is involved, I don’t want the experience to stall because Kev’s reflex is taking center stage. Overcoming the gag reflex doesn’t remove the fun or vulnerability it just opens the door for more variety, and creativity.
The other side is that once Kev’s reflex started to fade, watching him interact with Erik during oral play became incredibly fun. It’s not that I don’t enjoy him gagging a little—but when the reflex is under control, we can actually explore different positions, techniques, and sensations without hitting a hard stop every single time. It takes some of the oral pressure off me, too, which makes the sessions more relaxed and playful.
Our Week-Long Desensitization Plan
We approached this systematically and scientifically using small, safe steps to gradually desensitize Kev’s choking reflex. The idea isn’t to force deepthroating or make him do something he hates, it’s about giving his body and mind control, comfort, and confidence to do what he chooses to try.
Day 1–2: Toothbrush
We started simple. Three times a day, Kev would take the handle side of his toothbrush and gently touch the back of his tongue with it. Just touch it. Hold it for 5–10 seconds, breathe deeply through the nose, and focus on relaxing. It triggered gagging each time but slowly it triggered less and less. We celebrated every second he stayed relaxed without fully gagging with positive reinforcement. It’s a little like mental weightlifting: you start light, build tolerance, and gain control.
The toothbrush is perfect because it’s familiar and non-threatening. It’s not sexual, it’s just a tool to get the mouth used to touch at the back. Kev did this in front of the bathroom mirror so he could see that it wasn’t going too deep and reassure him that he wasn’t dying. The low pressure reassurance helped him begin to anticipate the reflex.
Day 3–4: Fingers
Next, we added fingers. Kev started with one finger, lightly touching the back of his tongue, holding it, and focusing on breathing through his nose. Then he gradually moved the finger further back over time. This step made a big difference because fingers are more similar in size and shape to what he might encounter during oral play.
We also made it fun. I’d watch and guide him, whispering encouragement or playful warnings. The key here is control. He knew he could stop anytime, and that made pushing the boundary safe and erotic instead of stressful.
Day 5–6: Small Dildo
As a progression, we incorporated a very small dildo like they use for beginner pegging. These introduced different textures and shapes into his mouth. Again, it’s all about gradual desensitization.
One trick we learned is to focus on areas that are just shy of triggering a full gag. You touch the object to the area, breathe, stay relaxed, and remove it before it becomes overwhelming. Repeat, and the reflex starts to “learn” tolerance.
Day 7: Rest
This one did trigger some throat soreness the next day, he isn’t used to having things in his throat and that area is sensitive. We gave his throat a break for a day before skipping to the next step. The throat can be sensitive and the last thing we would want to do is cause any damage or irritation.
Day 8: Putting It All Together
By the 8th day Kev could move further back, hold for longer periods, and stay relaxed while doing it. The result? His gag reflex was much more under control, and oral play became much more versatile and fun. It really only takes a week to tackle this beast, folks. It was way less effort than we thought it would be.
Breathing, Relaxation, and Mindset
Two things made the biggest difference:
- Breathing: Deep, slow nasal breaths calm the body and reduce reflexive gagging. It’s almost like meditation for the mouth. If the instinct is to breathe from your mouth, shift to your nose when that airway is blocked.
- Mental Control: Kev learned that gagging isn’t bad and it’s not a failure. It’s just a signal from the body. The more relaxed he felt, the less likely he was to gag. He learned that blockage of his throat just meant that he needed to shift his breathing.
Positive reinforcement was key, too. Every time he managed to stay relaxed, we celebrated it. Playful teasing, rewards, or just acknowledging the small victories.
The Oral Payoff
Once Kev’s gag reflex was under control, our oral play got more relaxed, more playful and experimental. I could explore with my strap-on without worrying that Kev would completely shut down. He could experience pleasure more fully, and I could enjoy watching him engage with Erik without having to worry about constant gagging interruptions.
Watching Kev now, free from the limitations of his reflex, is honestly a lot of fun. He can take more, explore deeper sensations, and even be a little naughty with me and Erik in ways that weren’t possible before. The vulnerability and erotic energy are still there, but now it’s balanced with control and confidence. The gag reflex is still there but its more manageable and less of an immediate thing.
- Go Slow: Desensitization is about small, incremental steps. There’s no rush. Our progression was a week with 15 minute sessions, making it two weeks with 5 minute sessions would probably be a better idea.
- Communicate: Always check in. If something feels uncomfortable, stop immediately.
- Make It Playful: Add humor, teasing, or rewards. Keep it erotic and fun.
- Celebrate Progress: Every second without gagging is a victory. Reward verbally or in whatever way suits your dynamic.
- Experiment Together: Let your partner watch, guide, or play with the process, it can be incredibly erotic.
Overcoming a sensitive gag reflex doesn’t just improve oral play. It deepens intimacy, and opens doors to new sexual adventures. It’s about turning a limitation into a playground for exploration, vulnerability, and fun.
Kev’s journey from gagging on everything under the sun to being more confident managing his reflex has been transformative. Not only does it make oral play more enjoyable, but it also takes some pressure off me, freeing us both to explore more freely. It’s amazing to watch him engage more confidently with Erik now, without fear or restriction. The pesky gag reflex is no longer a barrier to our enjoyment.
Oral service, much like anal play, is another way of offering your body as an instrument of pleasure and connection. Both acts invite you to surrender control and focus completely on your partner’s experience, which can lead to a deep, almost meditative subspace. There’s something profoundly bonding about knowing that your body is actively creating someone else’s pleasure and giving itself becomes its own kind of reward, one that deepens intimacy and emotional closeness. Remember, this isn’t about forcing anyone to do something uncomfortable. It’s about control, confidence, and mutual pleasure. Celebrate small wins, communicate openly, and enjoy the playful journey.
Evolving The Conversation
- How can partners use desensitization exercises to enhance sexual intimacy and trust?
- In what ways does overcoming physical limitations improve overall sexual dynamics in a relationship?
- How can playful teasing and erotic encouragement make challenging sexual practices more enjoyable?
- What are safe ways to experiment with oral desensitization without causing discomfort or fear?
- How does watching a partner engage more confidently with others impact intimacy and sexual dynamics in polyamorous or FLR contexts?
