I’m going to start this one with an analogy because I love analogies. Think about skydiving. Most people don’t do it because they love falling, they do it for the moment before they jump—the “Oh my god, what am I doing?” feeling. There’s fear and thrill tangled up together, and the euphoric high during the experience is is addictive. For some men, certain types of porn can play the same role. It’s not “I want that life.” It’s the thoughts of “I shouldn’t be here” or “Am I safe?”
The thrill is the idea that me might be crossing a line that cannot be uncrossed. The fear that if anyone saw this, his whole world would explode. The idea that it feels so wrong, it loops back around to “too hot not to touch.” That intense sense of risk, both the moral, social, and identity level becomes the exact reason he is aroused. The visceral repulsion isn’t dampening the arousal, it is magnifying it.
Many men who react like this grew up in very strict homes, especially religious, conservative, or just deeply rigid about what defines a “real man.” If you’re taught from childhood that anything slightly queer is dirty, diseased, or evil, then seeing two men have sex has the potential to make your entire brain melt.
Now imagine a man that is curious, lonely, horny or has access to the internet. Any one of those things is intense but more than one of those things might just be a recipe for disaster exploration.
He opens an incognito browser tab and clicks, “just to see.” His stomach flips, his cock responds in a way that conflicts with his brain and suddenly he’s in a war with his own body. The shame from that first experience can become a seed of obsession, he keeps going back to “test” himself, to prove something, to punish himself, to ride that blast of intensity one more time.
It’s the same energy as the preacher’s kid who goes full hedonist the very moment he or she leaves home. When sexuality is shielded long enough it doesn’t come out balanced, it snaps to extremes.
The taboo is like emotional caffeine. The more forbidden the thing is, the more it wakes him up. That’s why so many men gravitate toward humiliation, degradation, or “gross” kinks, not because they hate themselves, but because those experiences make them feel alive in a way that vanilla sex doesn’t.
For a homophobic man, gay male porn is the ultimate forbidden. It threatens his sense of masculinity, his social position, maybe even his spiritual standing. That level of meaning makes the sexual response feel bigger. He’s not just turned on, he’s on trial. He’s not just masturbating, he’s gambling his identity in his own head. No wonder he keeps going back. Once you’ve tasted that level of intensity, regular porn can feel like decaf.
Cuckold Stuff
If you’ve dipped your toes in the cuckold world, you’ve already seen this wiring up close. A straight man watching his wife taken by another man isn’t just turned on by her pleasure, he’s turned on by the emotional danger.
- What if she likes him more?
- Will this prove he is “less of a man”?
- What if this changes everything?
- Does this explain the times she has turned me down?
- Is he bigger than me… down there?
That panic is part of the charge. He feels threatened, humiliated, exposed… but oddly aroused. It’s a predictable nervous system pattern of high stakes, high shame, high intensity.
Where the cuckold world really mirrors the homophobic gay example above is when you layer in things like forced bi or cuck cleanup. Suddenly the husband isn’t just watching another man, he’s interacting with him in ways that challenge his straight, macho self‑image and his wife is the one directing him to do it. Talk about mind blowing.
Those types of forced‑bi and cleanup tasks are lightning rods for this skydiving‑style arousal. She may tell him to serve her lover in some way, sexual or otherwise. She may instruct or “order” him to clean her or taste her after she has ex with another man.
On the emotional level, it’s a storm. He might feel disgusted, terrified of what it “means,” furious with himself for being turned on, deeply humiliated but deeply confused because he is harder than he’s ever been. That internal contradiction is quite natural but it fuels his cuckold kink. The wife’s role in this scenario is interesting because she gives him a story that protects his identity while still letting him experience the taboo.
“It doesn’t make you gay; you’re doing this because I told you to.”
That one sentence is psychologically huge because it frees him to experience the intensity of something that looks very “gay” from the outside but keep his own straight label internally intact. He can rationalize the entire experience because he is just pleasing his wife with service, or humiliation instead of sexual orientation.
The entire narrative becomes “I’m not attracted to men, I’m just willing to explore with my wife and I’m turned on by being used, humiliated, or controlled by her. She loves it and I’m just exploring her fantasy.” And honestly? That might be true for a lot of guys. The object of desire isn’t the man, it’s the feeling of total surrender and taboo.
It’s Incredibly Addictive
Once a man has linked shame + taboo with erotic release, he’s wired a powerful circuit in his brain. It might look like this:
- Think about the forbidden thing.
- Feel disgusted, panicked, or morally horrified.
- Notice his cock reacting anyway.
- Feel even more shame about being hard which amplifies the arousal.
- Eventually climax, often with a mixture of relief and self‑loathing.
- His climax links the stimuli with the dopamine and imprints an erotic association.
Afterward, he might swear he’ll never do it again. Delete the history. Pray. Promise. Repent. Do 2000 Hail Mary’s. But when stress, boredom, or loneliness creep back in, his brain remembers the forbidden thing that produced a massive emotional and erotic high. It’s not necessarily about pleasure anymore, it’s about intensity. That’s why some men will tell their therapist that they hate it, wish they didn’t like it but still seek it out compulsively. They’re trapped in their own internal skydiving jump.
It’s trendy online to dunk on the religious folks who get caught in scenarios that conflict with the values they preach. I’m not condoning anything but it makes sense why they get wrapped into it. Many of them were never given a healthy model of masculinity. They were taught that anything queer is incompatible with their faith, being a good husband or good father. They have no language or emotional context to separate fantasy, identity, and behavior. It’s absolutely fair to hold them accountable when their beliefs hurt others bbut it’s also fair to acknowledge that their hate and bigotry is almost always fear turned outward. From a female led relationship perspective, compassion absolutely does not mean tolerating bigotry. It means recognizing how terrified some men are of the contradictions within their own mind and body.
Approaching it Safely
In a safe, modern marriage dynamic this same pattern can be explored consciously instead of chaotically. If a husband gets turned on by things that disgust or terrify him, a strong, grounded wife can invite the exploration as a way to learn and grow together. I’ve created an acronym for this – NFCC (pronounced Nuff-Cuh-Cuh). Ok that’s not the best acronym but try the steps below when considering new ideas with a man who may be nervous about what this means for him and his sexuality.
Name it
“You get aroused when something feels deeply wrong and humiliating, and you’re scared of that. Let’s talk about it.”
Frame it
“This doesn’t mean you are gay, it just means you are turned on by the high stakes and taboo.”
Contain it
“Here’s what I am and am not willing to explore, and here’s how we keep both of us emotionally safe.”
Condone it
“I will instruct you to try the things we’ve discussed. You are still free to say no but the honest truth is, I see your sexual freedom and exploration attractive and arousing, I’m excited to explore with you.”
From there, you can choose whatever is part of your sexual dynamic and continue talking about it. Maybe you keep it in fantasy only. Maybe you name a dildo another man’s name and keep it at the ready in the bedroom. You might even decide to go further, but always with conversation before and after the experience. The point isn’t to continually chase the most extreme sexual high, it’s to use his wiring as a tool explore together and establish a deeper connection together. Safe exploration is amazing but unbridled exploration leads to self‑destruction and nobody wants that.
His sexual identity doesn’t have to be settled in one night. He can be a straight man with taboo fantasies and be no less straight. He can be a bi man who prefers serving you. He can be a work‑in‑progress. The important part isn’t to slap a label on him, it’s to decide what kind of energy you’re willing to explore together in your relationship.
Evolving the Conversation
- Where in your own erotic life do you notice that “skydiving effect”—those moments when fear or shame actually dial your arousal up instead of down?
- If your husband or partner confessed to being turned on by something he also found disgusting or morally wrong, how would you want to respond in an ideal world?
- How do you personally draw the line between fantasy and identity—what you like to play with versus who you believe you are?
- In a cuckold or FLR dynamic, what kinds of taboo (if any) feel exciting and expansive to you, and which feel like they’d cross into too much self‑harm or contempt?
- What would it look like to build a relationship where a man can admit, “This scares me and turns me on,” without that confession threatening his dignity or your respect for him?
