DominusServae contacted me and we've been corresponding about his thoughts on the blog with relation to his own experience as a dominant male. It seems that much of what I have found with males is similar to what he has found. Kev and I did do some playing with paddles, corner time, kneeling. This journey is part of the evolution in our relationship and is referenced in my previous blogs. Most of that play seems to have subsided now and we use orgasm control almost exclusively although we do play from time to time to keep things exciting. While I don't consider myself part of the D/s world, this is a a very interesting read and I wanted to publish it after gaining Dominus's permission. I hope you enjoy the blog and please feel free to leave your comments and perspective below!
I am clearly not the most likely reader of your blog. But no matter, we have much more in common than a quick glance might suggest. I am a straight polyamorous dominant man and I have been living with my submissive, in chastity, for 21 years.
I found your blog because I went looking for commentaries on the practices of power exchange relationships that involve chastity and orgasm control.
What really strikes me about your blog is that your insights gained training Kevin and other men exactly mirror my insights training Rachel (not her real name) and other women over decades.
Like you I forbid that my partner masturbate. Like you I forbid my partner orgasm without permission. Like you I employ a chastity belt. (It’s a simple two chain arrangement. The first chain is around her waist. The second chain connects to the waist chain in the back and runs under her crotch. The two chains are connected together at her belly. Basically, it’s a chain g-string. It can’t be removed without a key, but the crotch chain can be pushed to the side to gain access. (Unlike mostly secure cock cages, truly secure female chastity devices are either too clunky for daily wear or require infibulation, which I eschew.) Unlike you we do regular BDSM, but like you I keep one specific Spencer paddle exclusively for punishments.
Like you I use corner time, kneeling on rice, and coins held against a wall during corner time. (Until I read your blog I had thought that coins against the wall was uniquely my invention.)…
This is interesting but spits in the face of some of your suggestions that masturbation and orgasm control being beneficial only with a woman in the dominant role. You posted this blog with very little commentary about how this changes your reality, if at all. What does this blog do to your opinions and the ideals promoted by this blog?
It does contradict some of my ideas about the male hormones being so much different than female hormones and quite frankly that works for me. I am just trying to tell you my truth and Dominus has a different truth that he contributed. I’ve yet to give it too much thought, he just sent this over yesterday but I did find it intriguing and asked his permission to post it.
Dominus has his truth. I have mine and you have yours. They may conflict. They may align. Any combination of confliction or alignment is quite alright with me,.
Any potential conflicting truth’s notwithstanding, this was a powerful part of his truth in his post, which I believe applies to many if not most of us that enjoy the absolute benefits of orgasm denial control and chastity:
“This is an example of the primal Ds dynamic growing so deep and so strong that it can come to inform living itself. You understand this. I understand this. Millions are starved for it.
None of this has anything to do, as some of your readers might suggest, with belittling the sub; and nothing to do with demeaning the sub; and nothing to do with getting-over on the sub. This story is not about its specifics of non-monogamy or the genders of the individuals. This is a story about honoring the most private and vulnerable needs and wishes and organic callings in the souls of both a top and a bottom. Just those hungers and needs and callings that the vast majority of people bottle-up and never admit, much less ever explore.”
VegasAng, this is the only blog post to date I recall where Emma has really touched on the words of male dominants. If anything, it is part of the epic journey Emma has been on since she started this blog. She’s thoughtful and open minded to different points of view. Her dominance, if I understood correctly, is based on practical observations of “bad behaviors” men exhibit. She’s not an ideologue from what I can tell.
Are you suggesting some kind of orthodoxy needs to be enforced? Maybe dominant men like myself should shut up? I can do that.
Thanks Spank. Yeah – I found this thought provoking and wanted to post it. Not in spite but BECAUSE it conflicts with some of my thoughts. I am just seeking to learn about relationships, what makes us tick and how we can manipulate those systems to get along in perfect loving harmony with each other.
Nobody is asking that you shut up, quite the contrary. Tell me where we differ so we can learn from each other.
Yup. Truth!
Emma, the phrase “what makes us tick” stood out for me. We all ‘tick” a little different and there is no universal box we all fit into – we are not all wired the same.
Master DominusServae, I very much appreciated and enjoyed reading your post (I can only aspire to be able to so clearly articulate my thoughts).
Both of you have had similar results with your partners (as My Goddess and I have), but I don’t believe that means the drivers/root causes of those results need to be the same. On this site there have been many things discussed about what may make us tick – hormones, compersion, insecurities, need for control, power dynamics, values and beliefs, uncontrollable urges to masturbate, etc. We will each have our own unique combination that drives us.
So, it is very possible that Rachel and Kevin are in the same place, but for very different reasons – i.e male hormones are most probably very different that female hormones – and thus there is no conflict between Emma’s and Master DominusServae’s thinking.
On another note, Emma your openness to criticism and diverging opinions is refreshing. On other sites, many of these posts would devolve into a flame war, but your approach is accepting and welcoming which instantly defuses any potential for misunderstanding or escalation by others. Thank you!
Love this!
First, I want to thank Emma for being big enough to publish my piece. The first sign of a true seeker in any realm is their willingness to listen to new, and even radically different, approaches to what they know or believe or even cherish. So thank you, Emma.
I just want to say this: if we have learned anything as modern adults it should be this: there are no one-size-fits-all prescriptions for how to live.
How many gays, terrified of coming-out, married, had families, and then, in middle age, jumped off of buildings because they could no longer endure their double lives and public lies? Many. And how did this happen? Society’s one-size-fits-all prescription of heterosexuality.
We have religious fanatics of all faiths who think the only real problem on the planet is that not everyone shares their religion. Some of these self-righteous-possessors-of-truth visit the most unspeakable crimes on those they deem apostates. These criminals, pretending adherence to some devine law or other, pedal their absurd one-size-fits-all orthodoxies and in the process visit suffering on untold millions.
Sociologists, anthropologists and therapists of all types tell us over and over that we live in a non-monogamous culture. We all know this. But we pretend that monogamy is a one-size-fits-all paradigm for responsible relationship. Poly families live in terror that the state, invoking parental monogamy as the only valid family structure, and therefore the one-size-fits-all family paradigm, will pull their beloved children from their breasts.
I know dominatrixes who argue that male dominants are, of their nature, the apotheosis of patriarchy. And I know male doms who think that dominatrixes are in perverse rebellion against the natural order. Both sets of these possessors-of-truth are absurd beings. Their views are just silly glorifications of their own subjectivities, nothing more. They are as intolerant and bigoted as the most provincial peasant.
There are clearly dominant men and dominant women, and there are clearly submissive men and submissive women.
We should strive, especially as members of sexual minorities, to support all who wish to pursue their happiness and live in harmony with their natures. Provided, of course, that their unions are consensual, without coercion and with adults.
Let’s leave all the one-size-fits-all answers to the intolerant, the bigots, the small-minded and the pedestrian. We should remember Saint Augustine who, centuries ago, wrote a book called “The Confessions” in which he wrote: “I am a man. Nothing human is alien to me.” Bravo to him! And bravo to Emma the seeker who openhandedly shares her approach and her experiences and, simultaneously, opens her blog to shared inquiry over orthodoxy.
Bravo Sir!