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In Defense of Submissive Men

So much of the material that you find on the internet about male submission and female dominance tends to minimize the value of the submissive man. If a man shows his feelings, he is somehow less valuable than a “macho” man. Boys are still taught to suppress their emotions and the boys that show emotions are valued less than the boys who express themselves. I wholeheartedly reject the alpha-male, beta-male concept entirely.

Traditional men are seen as conquering women and moving on to the next until they grow weary of the sexual conquests and settle for a woman that checks all the boxes. Submissive men are typically serial monogamists that seek to honor and become friends with their woman without “conquering” them. Submissive men seek to avoid the traditional power struggle from a relationship since they desire to be supportive and devoted.

As a society, we minimize these men who seek to bring value and loving submission to a relationship. These men crave women that make relationship decisions for them. A submissive man searches for a woman suitable of his loving devotion and dedicates himself to her. The femdom stereotype seeks to suggest that a woman should degrade the man and make him feel that he is worthless. This is remarkably easy to do since the submissive man takes the majority of his self worth and relationship validation from his ability to please his woman.

I would argue that a woman’s responsibility with a submissive man is to build him up and support his submission inasmuch as she feels comfortable. If he wishes to give foot massages every night, do all of the housework and take care of the children – who are we to say that this is not normal or acceptable in our society?

So much of the dominant female stereotype suggests that submissive men should be locked, cuckolded and cast aside for another, stronger more virile man. I personally believe that as submissive man does not equal a weaker man. A man can be both submissive and strong just as a dominant man may be weak. My father, for instance was a submissive man at home.

Much of the profile that I wrote about in my article entitled The Boss was about my father. Without repeating that entire article, my father was a man who was in charge at work but came home and recognized my mother’s authority in the home. My mother’s authority while loving was the final say at home. I feel that I was lucky to have role models like my parents. My father passed a few years ago but my mother and I have discussed this topic and she said that a female led household was very common in their generation. Today, it seems that a female led household is frowned upon and the man is seen as weak where I say they are strong.

I’ve been in relationships with dominant men and the power struggle is absolutely exhausting. It is like two selfish children “I want, I want”. My submissive boyfriend, Kevin had a previous relationship with a submissive woman and found it equally as dysfunctional. Nobody was capable or interested in making decisions so nothing ever got done. If the following dialog sounds familiar, you may have been there too:

Where do you want to go?

I don’t know, where do you want to go?

I don’t know, I asked you first.

Let’s just stay home.

My point with this is to embrace a submissive man and find his inherent value. Just because he is submissive does not make him any less of a man. Aside from some very light teasing, we do very little humiliation in our household. I urge you to steer clear of degrading, humiliating and diminishing the worth of your submissive male. Although I’ve had requests for cuckolding articles, this isn’t something that we currently are interested or experienced in so you won’t find it here.

Now is where I make a very fine distinction between a man who is a doormat and a man who is merely submissive. I think we’ve all been in relationships where the guy will literally do anything for you. We sometimes request more and more absurd things just to see what we can get away with. The essential thing is that you both want to be with one another but neither of you is afraid of life without the other. The moment that one partner is doing submissive acts out of fear of losing the other, the tone of the relationship has turned to desperation. As a woman, when you sense neediness and desperation you will grow distant and repulsed.

What we need is a submissive man who is confident in his submission, confident that you are the person for him and not insecure about losing you. This man is in touch with his feelings and not afraid to share how he is feeling or ask you for a hug on a rough day. This may seem like an impossible group of traits but I assure you, it isn’t. If you don’t see these traits in your submissive man, start developing them now. You can work with him to help develop his feelings with sensitive acts like pegging and spanking, acts that evoke emotion-driven conversation. Explain that you need more than to be placed on his pedestal and worshiped. You are looking for a partner and a friend who chooses to be submissive to you and serve you in the context of your relationship.

One typically has a very clear understanding of which gender they are most attracted to. Consider that as with sexuality, know if we are attracted to a dominant or submissive mate. I would describe sexuality across two different spectrums. Which gender(s) are you most attracted to? Do you desire a partner that is dominant to you or submissive to you? When shopping for a guy, consider that these are traits that you might not be able to change about someone.

For more, here are some profiles of people that will benefit from a female led relationship.

9 thoughts on “In Defense of Submissive Men

  1. Most marriages I see are already FLR’s, in a mild form. There is no formal power exchange, but if a woman wants to have final say on a decision or wants a change in behavior she will argue until her man just gives in, and if that fails she uses sex to get her way. In the end, I don’t think either party is truly happy with these games even if they get their way.

    Your degree of FLR is much more controlling and I think that is awesome that it works for you and Kevin, but I wonder if somewhere in the middle is a better place for most couples to start. Perhaps just start with controlling his release with a penis cage. The cage has really had the most profound affect on me psychologically and in a good way for the both of us, but I do wonder if the desire for devotional love eventually leads to a man becoming so submissive or child like that he becomes unattractive to his wife.

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    1. Thanks for your comment. You bring up a good point about the man becoming too submissive. I too agree that if a man becomes too submissive then it is inevitable that the woman will lose interest and become unattractive. From a male perspective, do you have any thoughts on things you can do to prevent you from going so far down the slipperly slope.

      The things I need from a relationship are:

    2. Romantic love & affection
    3. Acknowledgement
    4. Friendship
    5. Mental Stimulation
    6. If those things disappear, my interest will start to waver. I have a responsibility to pull back on the reigns if I feel that any of these are going away. What happens if I don’t notice until it is too late? I do want to control him to keep the relationship strong for both of us. I understand that we are playing with fire to some extent. What do you think?

  2. I don’t think that one size fits all in this type of situation. You both have to commit to the path you take and be willing to adapt and change as needed. And how far you go in any one direction, method, or practice, is really a question of finding what fits. To some degree, I suspect it is based on what your past experiences (good or bad) have been in prior relationships – what are you trying to accomplish or fix or improve? Not to mention, a certain degree of self-awareness of what works for you (or doesn’t).

    I think most ladies would likely want the things you list; and denial and retention, through the use of a cage, can certainly help fuel the romance portion and focus him on your needs – which helps the others along I suspect. But it does not have to be by changing all that you really are, or for that matter, who she fell in love with (and vice versa). As Bill said, too much of a good thing could end up a bad thing.

    But, a caged male, it seems to me, is far more focused on her needs and wants, more agreeable, more affectionate, and more helpful, for a lot of reasons (including the obvious hope for release!). And those benefits exist in all parts of your relationship, regardless of whether you happen to be in the bedroom or not. Or at least, it seems that way to me. That doesn’t mean we are not partners is normal life things, like kids, bills, finances, work, etc. But it might mean that the “load” in the household is more fair, the feelings more cooperative, and the overall relationship improved.

    Of course, at the end of the day, happy wife, happy life!

  3. The discussion around the potential troubles of relationships built on consensus decision-making within a post about how submissive men don’t need to be weak was very interesting. It shows how important balance is. After thinking a little about it, I came to the idea that a weak submissive man will try to adopt the opinions and preferences of the woman. A strong submissive man, on the other hand, will not necessarily adopt her opinions and preferences, but will defer to them for the greater good.

    A weak submissive man entering into this sort of relationship is more likely to try to take the view that the woman is always right and her choices are always better, correct, or preferable. This is not a good approach as it seems likely to result in lower self-esteem and him failing to contribute his point of view on matters he may actually be more knowledgeable about. The weak submissive man puts all of the responsibility on the woman and the couple suffers because without him promoting his ideas, she is largely on her own in making decisions.

    The strong submissive man understands that he has something to contribute to the relationship. He may be knowledgeable about the matter at hand, or at least he can add a different perspective to consider. He is confident in the value of his input and contributes it to the decision-making process. However, as a submissive man, he is willing to adhere to the woman’s decision, even though he may still disagree that it is the best decision or dislike it because it is not what he wants to do.

    In every relationship there are areas where each person may not share the same opinion, but where one is content not to take a deciding interest. Maybe they wouldn’t choose the same colour for the hallway, but he is willing to say that it doesn’t really matter to him. A strong submissive man doesn’t devalue and abandon all of his opinions, but gives up his deciding interest in more areas. It can actually take a fair amount of strength or wisdom to hold to your views and express them, but trust someone else to make the decision. One caveat is that a strong submissive man needs a dominant partner who is also a good leader he truly respects and trusts to make decisions for both of them. He doesn’t need to like or agree with all of her decisions, and she doesn’t need to be right—or even fair—all the time, but she needs to show that she values and considers his input where appropriate and that she deserves to be the one making the decisions because it is the best arrangement for both of them. A strong submissive won’t follow a weak leader.

  4. As far as avoiding the slippery slope, I recently asked myself this question, and cut back on visual consumption of FLR and Femdom content. Porn loses its fun when caged, but I still find it stimulating to read erotica and websites like this. Some FLR sites go pretty far down the rabbit hole, and the more you expose yourself to that content in the absence of your partner it creates a mental sexual divide between you and your partner and makes extreme things like cuckolding seem OK and a healthy fantasy. The key to being less submissive is empowerment. I find empowerment in my job, the sports I play, my hobbies, and my wife’s love. I still love to submit to my wife, but for me that doesn’t have to be on the receiving end of riding crop. I can submit to my wife in a smile, a caress, a hug, and even just asking about her day. I guess my submission is more about empowering her and building her up rather than me submitting and being less.

    All of the emotional needs you listed from a relationship are not unique to you or even females. I think both men and women all need these from our spouse, but men also have more of a biological need for sex and ejaculations. Retaining has taught me that I can have better ejaculations and improve my life and my marriage by reducing them. I do hope your blog does make this aspect a bit more mainstream. Although a cock cage is so tied to BDSM in porn and media I doubt that will change. I hate to come out and say it, but I do think you are playing with fire, which may be why I find it so fascinating to read. My reluctance is around the mind games of D/S and the punishment. Women have been manipulating men with the male sex drive since the beginning of time, and I see it in every marriage even the ones I consider the most healthy. I just don’t know any healthy long term relationships where punishment and mind games were part of it. I am really curious to get Kevin’s input on your relationship. At the end of the day we are all different and if you are both happy with this level of FLR then who am I to say it is wrong, go for it, smack that ass and pound it!

    1. I do think that many relationships practice this exact thing but aren’t self-aware enough of what they are doing. If they were to acknowledge it and formalize their relationship, I think things would be much more clear for everyone. Probably eliminate hurt feelings and passive aggressive bullshit that destroys relationships from inside out.

  5. Hi Emma, I realize now that my post had some judgmental comments and I hope I did not offend you. It was simply an old man’s opinion. Can you elaborate on your response more? When you mean formalize, do you mean with a written agreement?

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