He probably does want to be locked! Once he grows accustomed to the feel of the cage and managing his releases, many men grow to feel more comfortable when caged. In a previous blog I mentioned that most men are hard wired to want to please their partner. For a man, pleasing his partner gives him a feeling of accomplishment and validation in his role as a boyfriend or husband. If he feels that the cage or your behavior while wearing the cage brings you joy or satisfaction then he values being caged.
For some men, it can be very challenging to not resort to frequent masturbation. Knowing that his orgasms are being managed by someone else and giving up that control is a huge leap of faith in his partner. This showing of trust is a wonderful way to enhance the bond between the two of you. When he trusts you to manage his releases and he places his faith in you to do the right thing for your relationship and at the same time, a tremendous weight is lifted off his shoulders.
When caged, many men resort to being uncharacteristically affectionate, or physically sensual. They reach out to give unsolicited massages, value hand holding and find more passion from kissing or hugging. Knowing that being uncaged may not bring you the same level of happiness subconsciously or consciously makes him want to be locked.
In our relationship, locking is a bit of a game. We are very playful and I will lock him as a punishment, sometimes real and sometimes imagined. If I am feeling needy, I’ll lock him to feel loved. If I am feeling bossy, I’ll lock him to feel powerful. You get the idea. Locking him up fills an emotional need in me and on the flip side it also fills a need in him.
He knows that an orgasm is a short lived endorphin rush that doesn’t do much of anything for our relationship. He also knows that sacrificing a few of those orgasms may bring a great deal of additional happiness to our relationship. Most men, including Kev are hard wired for pleasing their mate and the cage is a fantastic metaphor and tool for that emotional need.
The cage is a metaphor for more than that. We all have a tendency to sexualize insecurities and the cage can become a healthy fetish. The cage can be a symbol for many things; differences in libido, infidelity in current or previous relationships or simply a symbol for the fact that the woman is typically the gatekeeper for sex in a relationship.
While fetishes can seem dark and taboo, they don’t all need to dive into the exciting world of bdsm. Healthy sexual fetishes are a great thing especially if they are shared with both partners. They keep the mind focused and they enhance the bond between both partners as a common desire.
Communication about locking is incredibly important because you need to both be on the same page. It is easy to keep it a game and not really know what the other is thinking but open and honest communication helps you both understand each other. If it goes back to a game as ours has, that is great but both partners need to understand what the other is hoping to acheive.
I’ve put together a question and answer that you might use in your relationship. The order of the questions is important when you are hoping to get him to be open with his responses so keep that in mind.
- How do you feel when I tell you that I’d like you to lock up?
- How do you feel after being locked one day?
- When you are locked, what brings you pleasure?
- Is that pleasure a substitute for sexual pleasure or is it somehow different?
- How do you feel after being locked for three days?
- How do you feel after being locked for 6 days?
- When I lock you up for closer to two weeks or a month, how do you feel?
- Do you ever feel sad when I tell you that I am unlocking you?
- What do/would you think about others knowing about you being locked?
- When we have sex and I lock you up without being permitted an orgasm, what positive things does that make you feel?
- When I tell you that I am unlocking you but then change my mind, does that ever make you feel resentful?
- When one of your friends is going through relationship challenges, do you ever find yourself wanting to tell them about chastity?
- In the scenario above, why wouldn’t you tell them about chastity?
- Do you ever find yourself feeling ashamed about the lockup games that we play together? Why?
- What five benefits do you feel that our 7 day release schedule adds to our relationship? Why?
- What negatives does lockup add to our relationship? Why?
- Do our chastity games ever make you feel humiliated or emasculated? Why?
- After you have your weekly (or longer) orgasm, how do you feel right afterwards? How do you feel over the next day?
- Do you prefer using a cage or the honor system?
- What else would you like to share about our lockup games?