Dear Emma,
I don’t really know how to start this, but I feel like I’ve been abandoned in my own marriage and my abandonment trauma is controlling the happiness I can feel with my wife. Five years ago, we decided to open things up, and since then, it’s like the spark between us has vanished. My wife has all but lost sexual interest in me. At this point, we’re more like housemates than anything resembling partners. We work together at my father’s business, so most of our conversations at home revolve around that. There’s no depth, no intimacy—it’s just routine.
We’ve tried cuckold scenarios in the past, and honestly, those moments felt like a lifeline for me. They weren’t perfect, but I felt a deep level of connection and intimacy at being included in that part of her life. It felt very special and she said it felt special to her as well - at least we felt connected in some way.
Now, she’s more into dating separately, and we’re living what feel like separate sexual lives. I don’t date because, frankly, my sex drive is lower, and that kind of connection doesn’t appeal to me the way it seems to for her. What I really want is some kind of validation—something that says I’m still a good husband, a good partner, and a man who matters in this relationship.
I’ve worked on this in therapy and talked a lot about how the validation I seek from cuckoldry ties into my past. My therapist says it’s likely connected to abandonment trauma—being put up for adoption as a kid, having my first wife leave without warning, and now, feeling like I’m being emotionally left behind in this marriage. It’s not just about sex for me. It’s about safety, connection, and knowing I still have a role in her life beyond providing for her financial and emotional stability.
I’ve tried to talk to her about this, but I’m at a loss. I don’t want to come across as the guy just begging his wife to “cuck” him because that’s not what this is. I need her to see how much I’m struggling and to meet me halfway. If she can’t, I’m not sure how much longer I can keep doing this.
– Abandoned
Dear Abandoned,
Thank you for opening up and sharing such a deeply personal story. Your vulnerability reflects a profound strength, and it’s clear that you’re earnestly seeking a path to emotional healing and connection. Let’s unpack your situation and explore how cuckold scenarios, or other forms of shared intimacy, might play a role in addressing feelings of abandonment while fostering a deeper bond with your wife.
Abandonment trauma often leaves scars that influence our adult relationships in subtle yet powerful ways. Feeling left behind or dismissed, whether by a parent, partner, or anyone significant, can create an enduring sense of insecurity and an aching need for validation. This longing isn’t about weakness; it’s about wanting to feel seen, loved, and valued.
For you, it sounds like the cuckold fetish isn’t just about eroticism—it’s a framework that you've come to rely on to feel both vulnerable and valued. The dynamic allows you to observe your wife’s pleasure while also maintaining a connection to her, even indirectly. When consensually explored, this provides reassurance and affirms your role in her life, helping to soothe those old wounds of feeling "not enough."
Cuckold dynamics can uniquely mirror themes of trust, surrender, and intimacy. For some, it’s not simply about the act itself but the emotional interplay that it fosters. Watching your wife embrace her sexuality, knowing she’s comfortable enough to do so with your blessing, can be profoundly validating. It’s a way to say, “I’m here, I see you, and I want this for you.”…
