Cuckolding is often framed as a dynamic where a husband finds pleasure in the idea or act of his wife engaging with another man, often while he plays a more submissive, voyeuristic, or even humiliating role. But when the cuckold tries to control the dynamic or dictate what his wife should do, this crosses a line from consensual kink to something unhealthy. This is what I like to call submissive overreach—when a cuckold attempts to top from the bottom, trying to use the cuckold fetish to assert his desires in a way that ultimately takes away his wife’s sexual autonomy. In other words, instead of the relationship being a negotiation of both partners’ needs, it becomes an attempt by the cuckold to mold the experience solely around his own fetishes, at the expense of his wife’s desires.
I get emails constantly from men asking, "How do I get my wife to cuckold me?" And while it may seem like a simple question, it highlights an underlying issue in the dynamic—the idea that a husband can make his wife engage in cuckolding or control the choices she makes. So, let's unpack this idea of submissive overreach and why it’s an issue for both partners in a cuckolding dynamic.
Submissive overreach happens when someone in a submissive role (in this case, the cuckold) tries to exert control in ways that contradict the principles of the dynamic they desire. In cuckolding, the traditional power exchange typically places the cuckold in a submissive role, watching or enabling his wife to enjoy herself with another man. However, when the cuckold starts dictating the terms—such as choosing the man his wife sleeps with, telling her how to act, or demanding certain sexual outcomes—it undermines the core of what makes the kink appealing: consensual surrender and respect for both parties' boundaries and desires.
In this scenario, the cuckold is essentially trying to "top from the bottom," a common phrase used in BDSM communities to describe a submissive person who tries to control the scene or dynamic by asserting their will in an indirect manner. Instead of simply yielding and allowing the wife to take the lead, the cuckold imposes his own sexual fetishes, which ultimately robs her of the autonomy that should be central to her sexual experience.
1. It takes away the wife’s sexual autonomy
One of the most important elements of cuckolding is the empowerment of the wife. It’s not just about the cuckold being humiliated or turned on by the idea of watching his wife with another man; it’s about her autonomy and freedom to explore her sexuality without judgment or restriction. When the cuckold begins to dictate how this dynamic should unfold, it takes that power away from her. She is no longer free to make her own choices about who she sleeps with, how she feels about the experience, or how her desires play out. The cuckold's attempt to control the situation makes her seem like little more than a pawn in his fetish game.…
It took almost ten years before my wife felt comfortable in cuckolding. I planted the seed of cuckolding. We talked about it. We roll played it. We talked more about it. Roll played some more. In till we had the TALK! That’s when she sat me down and said I found a Man I want to sleep with. I’m seeing him on Saturday night at the Hilton. What do you think? I said Go for it. About your post here. I know you are being nice calling it Topping from the bottom cuckolding. When the Husband controls everything about the cuckold date. Who she sees, what she can and cannot do. That’s a Pimp. Let your wife take baby steps. Don’t be her Pimp.
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