When it comes to relationships and intimacy, many of us carry unexamined beliefs that shape how we view sex, love, and connection. The concept of the scarcity vs abundance mindset in polyamory is one of the most powerful frameworks for understanding these beliefs comes from Stephen Covey’s The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People. This simple idea holds profound implications, especially when applied to non-monogamous dynamics, where notions of scarcity can amplify insecurities and jealousy.
Let’s dig into how these mindsets influence our thinking around sex and explore how gratitude and abundance can transform jealousy into compersion—a feeling of joy for your partner’s pleasure. Spoiler alert: sex isn’t pie, but let’s dive into why many of us still act like it is.
The scarcity mindset is rooted in the belief that resources are limited—if someone else gets more, it means there’s less left for you. Think of a pie: every slice taken is one less for everyone else. Covey suggests this view fosters competition, fear, and a zero-sum game where other people’s success feels like a threat to your own.
In relationships, this scarcity mindset often manifests as jealousy, insecurity, or possessiveness. If you believe love or intimacy is a finite resource, sharing it with someone else feels like a loss. If your wife is with another lover, you may instinctively feel that he’s taking something from you—your wife’s affection, time, or, in the most primal sense, her body.
Here’s the truth: I am not a pie. Not pumpkin pie. Not apple pie. Not even rhubarb pie.
Just like love, sex is not a resource that depletes when shared. In fact, love and sexual excitement and intimacy often beget more excitement and intimacy. The sexier and more desired I feel, the more sexy and desired I want to feel, it's like a drug. I am not dolling out sex as a sex or kink dispenser, I want to share my abundance of love and sexual energy with my husband. I want my confidence and excitement to grow so we can continue to grow and experience heightened love and sexual energy together.…
