When it comes to relationships and intimacy, many of us carry unexamined beliefs that shape how we view sex, love, and connection. The concept of the scarcity vs abundance mindset in polyamory is one of the most powerful frameworks for understanding these beliefs comes from Stephen Covey’s The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People. This simple idea holds profound implications, especially when applied to non-monogamous dynamics, where notions of scarcity can amplify insecurities and jealousy.
Let’s dig into how these mindsets influence our thinking around sex and explore how gratitude and abundance can transform jealousy into compersion—a feeling of joy for your partner’s pleasure. Spoiler alert: sex isn’t pie, but let’s dive into why many of us still act like it is.
What is the Scarcity Vs Abundance Mindset in Polyamory?
The scarcity mindset is rooted in the belief that resources are limited—if someone else gets more, it means there’s less left for you. Think of a pie: every slice taken is one less for everyone else. Covey suggests this view fosters competition, fear, and a zero-sum game where other people’s success feels like a threat to your own.
In relationships, this scarcity mindset often manifests as jealousy, insecurity, or possessiveness. If you believe love or intimacy is a finite resource, sharing it with someone else feels like a loss. If your wife is with another lover, you may instinctively feel that he’s taking something from you—your wife’s affection, time, or, in the most primal sense, her body.
Sex Isn’t Pie
Here’s the truth: I am not a pie. Not pumpkin pie. Not apple pie. Not even rhubarb pie.
Just like love, sex is not a resource that depletes when shared. In fact, love and sexual excitement and intimacy often beget more excitement and intimacy. The sexier and more desired I feel, the more sexy and desired I want to feel, it’s like a drug. I am not dolling out sex as a sex or kink dispenser, I want to share my abundance of love and sexual energy with my husband. I want my confidence and excitement to grow so we can continue to grow and experience heightened love and sexual energy together.
Think about it: when your wife comes home glowing after a passionate encounter, that energy can spill over into your shared intimacy. Her pleasure becomes an invitation for you to connect with her more deeply, emotionally and physically. Far from taking something away, her lovers may actually add to the richness of your relationship. You can be sad and dejected about losing some of your pie or you can dive in to intimacy and appreciate the abundance that you can experience together.
But to see it this way, you need to flip the script and adopt an abundance mindset.
The Abundance Mindset in Non-Monogamy
An abundance mindset, as Covey describes, is rooted in the belief that there’s enough for everyone—more than enough, in fact. It encourages you to see opportunities rather than limitations, to focus on collaboration instead of competition, and to celebrate others’ wins because they don’t diminish your own.
Applying this to non-monogamy means recognizing that your wife’s pleasure isn’t a threat but an opportunity. Her connections with other lovers don’t take away from your relationship; they can enhance it. Here’s how:
- More Excitement, More Energy: The novelty and variety she experiences can reignite her sexual energy, making your time together more passionate and fulfilling.
- Emotional Growth: Seeing your partner with someone else can push you to confront insecurities and grow as a person, making you a better partner in the process.
- Shared Gratitude: When you adopt an abundance mindset, you can feel gratitude not only for your wife but also for her lovers, who contribute to her happiness and satisfaction.
Gratitude: The Key to Unlocking Abundance
Gratitude is a powerful tool for shifting from scarcity to abundance. Instead of focusing on what you think you’re losing, try focusing on what you’re gaining.
- Gratitude for Your Wife: Appreciate her openness, her desire for adventure, and her willingness to share her experiences with you.
- Gratitude for Her Lovers: Instead of seeing them as rivals, view them as collaborators in her happiness. They are helping her explore her desires and, by extension, enriching your shared intimacy.
- Gratitude for the Dynamic: Recognize the courage it takes to explore non-monogamy and celebrate the deeper connection and communication it requires.
By practicing gratitude, you can train your brain to see possibilities for growth and connection instead of threats.
Why Society Pushes a Scarcity Mindset
It’s not entirely your fault if you’ve fallen into scarcity thinking—society programs us this way. From fairy tales to romantic comedies, we’re taught that love is exclusive, that a partner’s attention must be yours alone, and that sharing intimacy is inherently a loss.
In this framework, a wife’s sexual energy belongs to her husband. If she shares it with someone else, she’s taking away something that “belongs” to him. This narrative reinforces possessiveness and jealousy, making it harder to see the potential for abundance.
Breaking free from this conditioning requires a conscious effort to reframe your beliefs about sex and relationships.
From Jealousy to Compersion
Jealousy is a natural response to scarcity thinking—it’s the fear of losing something you value. But in non-monogamous dynamics, this fear can be transformed into compersion, the joy of seeing your partner happy and fulfilled.
To cultivate compersion, start by reframing how you view your wife’s experiences. Instead of asking, “What am I losing?” ask, “What are we gaining?” For example:
- She’s gaining pleasure and excitement.
- You’re gaining a partner who feels fulfilled and confident.
- Together, you’re gaining new opportunities to explore your dynamic and deepen your connection.
Compersion doesn’t mean you won’t feel pangs of jealousy—it means you choose to focus on the positive aspects of your partner’s happiness.
Practical Steps to Shift Your Mindset
If you want to move from scarcity to abundance in your thinking, try these steps:
- Practice Self-Awareness: Notice when scarcity thinking shows up. Are you feeling possessive? Insecure? Fearful? Acknowledge these feelings without judgment.
- Reframe Your Thoughts: Challenge scarcity-based beliefs. Instead of “She’s giving less to me,” try “She’s gaining more for herself, which enriches our relationship.”
- Communicate Openly: Share your feelings with your partner in a non-blaming way. Open communication fosters trust and understanding.
- Focus on Gratitude: Write down three things you’re grateful for in your relationship every day.
- Celebrate Her Joy: Make a conscious effort to find joy in your partner’s happiness, even when it’s outside your shared experiences.
Abundance Thoughts
Non-monogamy challenges traditional notions of love and sex, but it also offers profound opportunities for growth, connection, and abundance. By shifting from a scarcity mindset to an abundance mindset, you can transform jealousy into compersion and see your wife’s lovers not as rivals but as contributors to your shared happiness.
Remember, sex and love are not pie—it’s an endless buffet if you’re willing to approach it with an open heart and mind. Gratitude is the secret sauce that turns every bite into a feast.
Evolving Your Conversation
- How does your mindset about sex and relationships shape the way you view non-monogamy?
- What are some ways you can practice gratitude in your relationship, especially if you’re feeling insecure?
- How might embracing an abundance mindset enhance your connection with your partner?
- What societal messages about love and sex do you feel have influenced your beliefs, and how can you challenge them?
- How can you and your partner work together to cultivate compersion in your dynamic?
