The concept of bartering involves one party giving something to another party in exchange for something of similar value. As one of the world's oldest professions, prostitution is the ultimate in sex bartering. In the context of relationships this equates to the bargaining for sex.
We've all heard it before:
The barter system is much more than that, when men are in the mood a great deal of his day is spent trying to placate his wife in an attempt to earn sex. You aren't getting his genuine self when so much energy is being spent on convincing you to have sex. Love should not be earned nor bought and sex should be something that a couple enjoys with each other devoid of strings or manipulation. Our society and television have changed our guys expectations about sex and they have reinforced this barter system.
The barter system uses these tasks to guilt the other party into having sex. Ask any woman and she will tell you that guilt sex is never good sex. The guilt system is the primary way that many couples have sex and then we, as women ask ourselves why we have negative feelings when the topic of sex comes up. Resentment isn't far behind when the woman is treated like an object to be used for the purpose of sex. Many men would be shocked to hear that they are objectifying their wife. By the very nature of the barter system, they are treating her body like an object that can be bought or sold by virtue of his actions.
You might ask yourself, doesn't chastity simply reinforce the objectification of women? On the surface, it might appear so but once you dig a little deeper you will find that chastity fundamentally changes the reward system. By handing the keys to your woman, the man is handing control of his sexual pleasure. While this may seem like giving control of a very tangible thing, it is actually more of a symbolic gesture that constantly reminds his unconscious mind that he is no longer capable of doing this on his own. It gives his body and mind the realization that he is truly powerless in his situation. Make no mistake, he is entrusting an enormous part of his life to you and is allowing you to hold the power to something that is key to his existence and self worth.
He will go through a couple stages, during which he might get frustrated, angry, resentful and even depressed. After a period of two to three days in lockup, he will simply lose that less desirable side effect. That period of misbehavior will shorten as his body and mind get used to being locked up. You will find that subsequent lockups have far less negative behavior. The positive changes aren't gradual, it is a nearly immediate change, his mind essentially gives up and places the responsibility of sexual needs in you. From that moment until the moment that you unlock him, you wield the power in the relationship. Even after unlocking, you will find that a simple reminder about the cage will help him get back to good behavior much more quickly.
The first and most obvious will be unsolicited massages, he will want to let out that pent up sexual tension in other ways such as touching. Sounds great, right? If you are anything like me, this is the type of touching you crave. Not butt or boob grabbing. He will really start to enjoy those massages as an outlet for his sexual tension and you should reward and encourage him. Compliment his massage skills and tell him how aroused the massage makes you feel. Many times, after having an orgasm I ask myself if I would rather watch him have an orgasm or lock him back up and allow him to give me a massage. If he has been retaining for at least a few days, he usually typically feels very rewarded to give you a stress-relieving massage in lieu of having an orgasm of his own. Your body is so relaxed and sensitive after having an orgasm, it is the absolute best time for relaxation. …
There is one thing that I feel this topic doesn’t touch. When things don’t go as a man want and his barter system keeps failing he will start to gaslight. If gaslighting starts then things are toxic and relationship should be reevaluated.
Great article E! It’s been 4 years since I first read it and I just re-read it–personally, I find that re-reading information to be extremely beneficial as the information will land differently, depending on where you are in your process, this, IMHO, serves as a self assessment to reflect on my personal growth and development. From my perspective context and perception are key considerations. In the context of a dating relationship, I venture to guess we ALL have done things with expectation of something in return, as well as HOW the actions are perceived(intent?)…would you agree? As and if the relationship progresses to a more long term relationship the dynamics have to grow, change, and evolve..otherwise the barter system becomes stale, outdated and can lead to resentment and dysfunction with in the relationship. As and if the relationship progresses to marriage and family, those dynamics will surely change(i know, stop calling me Shirley), particularly with the additional demands of life–work, children, family, balance, health, you get the idea…)Which is why, for me personally, the evolution to a FLR/WLM with enforced chastity works–because, in essence, it clarifies the context and provides a framework for perception of my intent…which is simply to demonstrate my love and devotion for my Wife, without strings attached. Hope this makes sense! Thank you for the gift of EYM!