Ask Emma: Should I Tell My Husband to Get a Surrogate Sex Partner?

Hi Emma,

I’m at my wits end with my husband because we have completely mismatched sex drives. I like sex maybe once a month. That’s it. He wants it more often, a lot more, and I just don’t have the desire or the time or energy to come close to meeting that. I realize that leaves him wanting, and I don’t want to deny him entirely as you say with pussy free marriages that just seems wrong. Outside of that I do not want to be his primary source of sexual fulfillment. The thought of that responsibility on my shoulders alone is a total turn-off.

So, to my question, can I have a female-led relationship where I set the rules and still allow him to get his sexual needs met elsewhere? I’m fine with him having an outlet but I don’t want him forming emotional attachments with anyone and I personally don’t want to be involved in any of it beyond green lighting it to happen. I’m not jealous, I don’t feel ashamed but I just want him satisfied without it needing to be my problem.

I refuse to carry the emotional or sexual weight of his constant libido. It’s exhausting to even think about being “enough” for him all the time, I don’t want to feel guilted into sex and I refuse to live under that kind of pressure. If a blowjob or two happens while I’m at work, it doesn’t bother me. I just want him to handle his desires elsewhere so that it doesn’t become a source of tension between us.

Is there a healthy way to do this in a female-led relationship? One where I still lead, I still control, and I can say, “Here’s your outlet, handle it,” without feeling guilty or like I’m failing him? I want rules, boundaries, and clarity with nothing more. And honestly, if I can’t have that I don’t know what to do.

Thanks,
Larisa

Hi Larisa,

First off, I’d like to thank you for your honesty. It takes guts to put your feelings into words, and even though your tone makes it sound like you’re already set in your view, I think the fact that you reached out means there’s a part of you that’s questioning whether this arrangement will really work.

You say you don’t want to be your husband’s primary source of sexual fulfillment, that you’re fine with sex once a month, and you don’t want to feel pressured by his desire. You’ve framed it like outsourcing “if a blowjob happens at work while I’m away, fine, as long as he’s fed and I’m not responsible.” That might sound tidy in your head, but here’s the catch: men aren’t vending machines where you can outsource desire with no emotional cost. Men, unlike women, don’t often compartmentalize sex without emotion as easily as they think they do. And the risk isn’t that he will suffer, it’s that your emotional bond with him will slowly erode.

The Myth of “Just Sex, No Strings”

It’s incredibly rare almost unrealistic to expect your husband to have ongoing sexual fulfillment with another woman and not develop some kind of attachment. You may think he’s capable of compartmentalizing, but study after study shows that men tend to bond emotionally with the women who meet their sexual needs and create distance from women who do not. Dopamine and oxytocin, the bonding hormones, are released during sex, not just for women but for men too. Men imprint on the women who satisfy them sexually because they subconsciously want those needs to be met in an ongoing way. Choosing to imprint his effort where his needs are met is a subconscious biological directive to follow fertile females. If you got ice cream cones from one man and not from another, and you love ice cream, you would probably invest more effort in the ice cream cone man than the other. Crudely simplified I know, but I’m trying to illustrate the point in an overly simple way.

So while you might think of it as “a blowjob or two while you are at work,” he’s probably not going to see it that way. Even if he starts casual, it’s almost inevitable that sex will create a gravitational pull. That pull will shift his emotional focus. He’ll start craving her presence, not just her mouth or her body. And the danger isn’t that he’ll leave you, the danger is that he’ll slowly emotionally disconnect from you because he’s attaching to her. It isn’t intentional, he is simply wired for it.

You may think you’re keeping things neat by limiting him to sex-only encounters, but you’re setting up a system where he builds intimacy elsewhere while you remain checked out. Over time, you won’t just be the wife who isn’t sexual, you’ll become the wife he emotionally drifts from. And that rift won’t feel neutral, it will feel like absence, distance, rejection, or even resentment.

Women Compartmentalize Better Than Men

Here’s where things get interesting. Women are better at separating sex and emotion when they consciously choose to. We’re wired to think about attachment, security, and resources when it comes to sex, and we’re overtly aware of how our sexual choices shape our relationships. We use sex to Many women can choose to have a purely physical fling without emotional entanglement. Men? Not so much.

Women use sex strategically, and that’s something men don’t typically do. Sex isn’t always about lust or intimacy, sometimes it’s about reinforcing emotional bonds, securing commitment, smoothing over conflict, or even gaining leverage in a relationship or a tribe. Anthropological and psychological research shows that sex can be wielded as a tool of influence and negotiation just as much as it can be an act of passion. In fact, Cindy Meston and David Buss’s well-known study documented 237 distinct reasons why people have sex, many of which are related to the ability of women to use sex to ensure their needs are met; emotionally, financially, and socially

Men believe they’re capable of detached sex, but when you look at their behavior long-term, what you see is emotional leakage. They may not “fall in love,” but they become more emotionally invested than they planned. They may crave affirmation, validation, or simply the presence of the woman who provides release. They might even say they don’t care but their actions will prove otherwise.

While some men are very capable of separating sex from emotion, it often comes down to mindset and confidence. Men with an abundance mindset, those who believe sex and intimacy are plentiful tend to compartmentalize more easily because they don’t attach their sense of worth to one partner or sexual source. High confidence reinforces this separation and they see sex as an experience rather than a lifeline. Men with a scarcity mindset, on the other hand, especially those with medium to low confidence, are far more likely to imprint on the woman providing sex. To them, sexual access feels rare so they attach emotionally to protect the precious supply. In short, confidence and abundance create freedom, while insecurity and scarcity create attachment. Most men fall into the latter but bulls or men with high confidence often fall into the former.

That’s why your plan of “just let him get a blowjob from someone” is more fantasy than reality. Unless his is paying for sex from a sex worker, he won’t be able to keep it sterile. You’ll feel the shift in your marriage even if you don’t see the evidence of it right away.

What This Means for Your Marriage

You wrote that you don’t want to be the one carrying the burden of his desire, that being “enough” feels like pressure. I get it. Desire can feel heavy when it’s mismatched. But let’s consider what happens if you push his needs out the door and wipe your hands of it.

Here’s what I see happening:

1. He starts seeking out casual encounters.
2. Those encounters inevitably develop into repeat experiences because men crave familiarity as much as novelty.
3. He bonds with her—whether you want him to or not.
4. You feel a growing distance from him.
5. The core of your relationship, your emotional connection erodes because you’ve distanced yourself sexually.
6. The long term viability of your relationship is threatened.

It’s not that you’ll lose him to another woman as much as he will lose himself as a connected husband. You’ll have him as a roommate, a co-parent, or a financial partner, but you won’t feel the warmth of emotional intimacy.

What Are You Holding Back?

So I’ll ask bluntly, why are you so reluctant to connect sexually with your husband? You didn’t frame your letter as asexuality, you framed it as annoyance. There’s a big difference.

Some women view sex as a kind of currency. They withhold because they subconsciously equate giving sex with losing value or power. Others hold back because they see their husband more as a platonic partner, maybe even drifting toward a familial kind of love, where sex feels awkward or unnecessary. And still others, yes, are somewhere on the ace/aceflux spectrum, where desire genuinely isn’t part of their identity.

But what I hear in your letter is a woman who doesn’t want to feel obligated. The obligation kills your desire. You equate sex with responsibility instead of pleasure. And that’s not just about libido, it’s about how you view your own sexuality. You come off as a woman who seems to know what she wants but I’d push deeper and say that your walls of decisiveness come from a deep insecurity and fear of abandonment. You have a harsh exterior because you are afraid to give more of yourself to him and be vulnerable.

When you say, “I don’t want to be his source of fulfillment,” what I hear is, “I don’t want my worth tied to my sexuality.” But you’re not protecting your value by withholding. You’re diminishing it. You’re turning yourself into a sexual gatekeeper rather than a sexual partner. Sex doesn’t cheapen you. Withholding sex cheapens the intimacy you share.

Marriage is about exchange. He gives, you give. And if you’re closing the door on one of the biggest needs men have, sexual closeness then what fills the gap? You can say “love,” you can say “companionship,” but to him, love and sex are intertwined. By cutting off sex, you’re not just cutting off orgasms, you’re cutting off intimacy. You’re cutting off the sense of being wanted by his wife. And if another woman offers him what you won’t, it’s unrealistic to think he won’t seek a closer bond with her.

The arrangement you’re describing—him sneaking off for anonymous sex while you disengage—sounds like a recipe for dishonesty and disconnection. You want control, but you also want detachment and that’s avoidance, not leadership.

The Busy Professional Woman Dilemma

Now, Larisa, I suspect part of this isn’t just libido—it’s lifestyle. You sound like the classic busy professional woman. When you’re juggling work, responsibilities, and the mental load of running life, sex can feel like one more obligation. And that “couldn’t be bothered” vibe is real.

If that’s you, here’s a thought: what if you let your husband do all the heavy lifting? If the idea of bringing in another man intrigues you but you don’t have the energy to manage it, then hand him the reins. Let him plan it, set it up, “set the table” so to speak. He becomes the author of this new sexual chapter, and you simply show up when it’s convenient for you.

Think about it—he does all the work, you reap all the rewards. You get to direct, approve, and veto anything you don’t like, but you don’t have to carry the logistical or emotional labor. He’s your sexual plaything, your facilitator. You’re the director of the experience, and he’s the one serving the vision. That’s the essence of a female-led relationship: you hold the authority, but you don’t exhaust yourself managing the details.

This way, sex doesn’t have to feel like one more job on your plate. Instead, it becomes a performance where you’re the star and he’s the stage crew.

A Better Path Forward

Here’s what I’d suggest instead:

• Face the sexual mismatch – Be honest with yourself and him about your libido. Don’t frame it as annoyance, frame it as your reality. Because of the current sexual mismatch, I would say that your husband probably has a scarcity mindset when it comes to sex. When something is more rare, it becomes more valuable (sexual economics). Increasing the frequency of sexual attention will disrupt the scarcity mindset and make it more about connection than about validation. For clarity, sexual attention does not necessarily mean sex, be creative. Understand that you’ve likely been using sex as a mechanism of control and addressing the sexual mismatch will make sex about connection rather than manipulation.
• Stop outsourcing – Instead of pushing his needs away, create a structure where his needs are met within your relationship dynamic.
• Consider another man – Sometimes women with low libido aren’t actually low in desire; they’re just uninspired. A confident boyfriend, lover, or bull can light up your erotic energy. This isn’t just for him, it’s for you. You might discover desire you didn’t know you had. If this sounds like work, make your husband find the man, set the stage, setup the date. This type of service will make him feel like he is an instrument in your sexual satisfaction rather than a burden.
• Modern marriage dynamics – Allow him to support your sexuality. Ironically, if you bring another man in, your husband might actually feel more fulfilled than if you let him sneak off for casual sex. Why? Because his sexuality remains linked to you. His arousal is directed through you, not away from you. Modern marriage dynamics can make him see you as a source of sexual fulfillment especially as your sexual confidence grows
• Therapy or sex coaching – Explore whether you’re actually on the asexual spectrum, or whether you’ve simply disconnected from your own erotic self. A therapist can help you unpack whether you’ve equated sex with guilt and obligation instead of joy and connection.

Can you do it the way you suggested? Yes, you can push his needs away. You can tell him to handle it elsewhere, and maybe you’ll get peace in the short term. But should you? No. Because it’s toxic. It sends the message that his needs are an inconvenience and you don’t care as long as you’re not bothered. That’s not female leadership, it’s female disengagement.

If you want a female-led relationship, lead. Create rules. Create structure. Create intimacy on your terms, but don’t push away responsibility for the health of your marriage. That’s not power, that’s not leadership, that’s apathy, that’s avoidance.

Evolving the Conversation

1. Do you think women sometimes weaponize sexual gatekeeping without realizing how deeply it erodes intimacy?
2. If you’ve ever felt “low libido,” was it truly asexuality—or was it more about feeling uninspired by your partner?
3. What role do you think about the idea of bringing another man into your relationship to create a boost in erotic energy and address mismatched libidos in long-term marriages?
4. Can a female-led relationship work if the woman disengages from sex entirely?