Doesn't being in chastity remind us that our females didn't want to have sex as eagerly as we hoped?
Objective point of view:
With most commenters here we can generally say that our vanilla sex life was less than what we hoped for. Doesn't being in chastity remind us that our females didn't want to have sex as eagerly as we hoped? So before; we didn't have frequent or enthusiastic sex, an eager female desiring me, and now its a controlled reduction of the same. I'm thinking I'd still be the same helpful guy around the house, contributing to intimacy and sexual satisfaction out of maturity and education.
I look at photos of myself and just like a person who says "I don't like the way I look" in a self conscious non-photogenic way but it's because I look disappointedly at myself in that situation. I try not to but it's a small sadness and not impressive person I consider me to be with that 3/4 smile. I think an average guy would like to look back at a photo and say "damn what a trip that was, we had intimate connection while dining, fun in the bedroom, and tons of relaxing sun!" I'm referencing a caribbean trip we had but we also had a Vegas trip without chastity and had lots of sex and once occasion pressed up against the window of our hotel room. You can guess which one I feel was more memorable.
I think that the seasons of our lives have more to do with our relationships than we acknowledge. I would venture to say that many of the men on this forum are near, at, or post retirement. FLR for the empty nesters saying they can now dedicate more time to each other or less frequent the before kids naked in a cage around the house stuff. The most exciting content to read about are the people who prioritize sex whether FLR or not, especially the kinky stuff. (obviously we're coming here for the subject matter; conversation about sex)
I know you're saying that retention improves the relationship so that the woman gets what she wants and the guy gets more attention in a different way. But what if it doesn't, what if when we're old, two guys complimenting each other's relationship and share with his buddy "Damn, what a life! She's the love of my life. Accomplished, great mother, tons of fun, my best friend and crazy in bed." That's a relationship at it's best. Or do we say, I've been in chastity for 20 years and get let out for a 1 minute handy once a month and maybe sex every few. Plus I dote on her, make all the meals, do the laundry, etc. Someone please tell me I'm wrong.
You raise some great points and....
"Doesn't being in chastity remind us that our females didn't want to have sex as eagerly as we hoped?"
I think of it this way. At this moment in time, a bunch of atoms came together and are having a grand old time being a me. Before they where a me, some where water, a plant, a fish, who knows, a rock, but just now they are a me seeing, feeling, smelling, imagining, all that awesome stuff and if history is any guide, it wont be long before they disband and go do something else. So, times a ticking and I have a unique opportunity being a human. I can hook up with someone with compatible needs, or someone with incompatible needs. My choice.
I read a post from a guy once that talked about males and how they enter a relationship and marriage. Nearly all males masturbate frequently when single, they get married and want to stop. They want their new wife to be as sexual as they are and offer them frequent sexual releases like they got when they were single. Most wives are not up to giving their husband the frequency of sexual releases they gave themselves before marriage.
The male becomes frustrated that his wife isn't giving him enough sex. It's because he was conditioned to this high frequency before marriage.
So, he goes back to masturbating, probably behind his wife's back. He knows sex activities should be shared, but he is horny and by masturbating, he is "relieving his wife" of her duties, or at least he thinks in his mind. He becomes a little withdrawn in the marriage.
What I learned is, there is habit and truly being horny. Us men have to learn to not masturbate just out of habit, it is not good for relationship whether your wife knows about it or not. Have sex with each other when you are both in the mood. You won't explode if you reduce the number of orgasms you are having. Learn to cuddle and kiss your wife, take care of her, but don't expect it to turn sexual every time.
I think male masturbation is something most couples need to talk about and be open about it. Your wife probably has no idea how often you do it. When I came clean with my wife, she was shocked I was doing it 3 times a week. She said she knew I did, but thought it was once or twice a month.
The thing we changed was, no more masturbating ever without your spouse being present. If she is not in the mood, she can let you play, but only if she knows and approves of it. Also, wearing a chastity device will calm things down. You can feel sexual, but the need to masturbate is reduced.
I think the whole thing about male chastity is not being denied sex forever etc. it is help males to reduce how often they masturbate and only do it with their spouse consent. It doesn't take a lot to reduce it, but we just need a little push and help from a loving and caring wife.
@evolvingdevilsadvocate, there’s a lot to unpack here.
You start out with a general expression of disappointment in your sexual life as a married man. Chastity is just a stinging reminder. I think many of us have found that our appetite for sex has been different from that of our wives, at least at certain points in our marriages. This can unfortunately lead to unhappiness, unfaithfulness and divorce.
Chastity isn’t going to work for everyone, but it has the potential to be a fun, sexy game that helps bridge that difference in appetites. By making our wives feel powerful and desired, it can change the valuation of sex and orgasms. Some couples actually end up with a more active sex life.
I also question the assertion that you would be “the same helpful guy around the house” even with unlimited sex. Orgasms deplete our energy as men. And a focus on our own pleasure as a primary goal is also an egoistic enterprise. With the craving for climax always satisfied, would you really be so motivated...?Scoring more in the bedroom isn’t going to make for a better union.
If chastity isn’t working for you, and it isn’t strengthening what you have, I think you should communicate these feelings to your wife. There will be other ways to restore the passion that seems to be missing.
Agree with midlife_marty and russ195. We males have to readjust what sex is about. Are we happy to ejaculate 3 time a day. Really? What do think you are. What kind of drugs we need to accomplish the 24 Lover?
Where plays the real film? It's between our ears - it's in our brain, our fantasy, our feelings/emotions.
Sex is'nt about to spill a little mess every 3 hours.
So, if it fits - as midlife_marty says, it's not for evereyone) - but if it is does, it's more sex than one can ever imagine.
OK, that's maybe become more obviously if you're older (thats what evolvingdevilsadvocate initially points out - mostly the older ones), because we're just not able to ejaculate 3 time a day.
The next thing is, it helps to communicate Open, free. It's like a Couples therapy. Tell me, whats the main reason of divorce? We don't have something to communicate (childs are out etc. ...). So we start to living apart.
So let's start a game ... use our imagination, communication as a couple and build up a phantasy sex game. That makes us happy as a couple (after all these years)
I think there is some truth to coming to an alignment on what sex means to a couple. Readjusting his expectations about the woman always being up for emotionless porn-inspired sex and her expectations of a hallmark channel romantic connection. Both want passion but the expectations are different. Chastity is different for everyone but for us, we still have wonderful sex. Kevin is unlocked once or twice a week and we enjoy our bodies together, his levels of passion while retaining are incredible and wonderful. When Kevin sees other sexual energy in the house, it teases that part of him and redirects his energy toward me. I know that the sappy hallmark channel movies aren't reality and he knows that the stepmother porn on pornhub isn't reality. What we both want is a blend that satisfies each of our needs. Separately. But together.
Chastity, whether a caged is used or there is a prohibition on masturbation (honor system) works and works very well if the goal is to have a closer marriage/relationship. Like anything else worth doing, it has to be done correctly. By correctly I mean there has to be an abundance of love, trust and communication that already exists, which allows for that love and desire to please the woman to grow from a "good" place, whatever that means to the couple. If chastity, orgasm control, semen retention is used because there is a lack of trust, then the chaste man will likely exist in chastity for the sole purpose of earning an orgasm. It's so much more than just being a "good boy" in order to earn an orgasm. If the goal is channel the sexual energy that would otherwise circle the drain in the shower every morning, to the wife/girlfriend, then the relationship will grow, the love will deepen and the man will soon find that the goal of chastity is rightly used for that purpose.
Each person in the relationship has responsibilities. In order for the man to even have a chance to experience the level of compersion necessary for the woman to begin to experience bliss in her life as a result of genuine attention partner, the woman must understand that affection (sexual or otherwise) needs to be increased toward the man. If it's not, the man has no incentive or reason to be chaste. Sometimes people wrongly believe that slapping a cage on the man's willy will, in and of itself produce magical results and that everyone will live happily ever after. Of course that is not true. There is an old axiom in the "lifestyle" ... It's called tease and deny, not ignore and deny.
All that said, none of it will benefit the relationship if there is already dysfunction in the relationship. That's why step one is ... wait for it ... complete, honest and genuine communication, which is usually the hardest thing for people to wrap their heads around. Often one or both people have convinced themselves that have indeed communicated, and so therefore it's the other person's fault.
Just my opinion ... I could be wrong - Dennis Miller