Female aging and menopause has a bad reputation. Hot flashes, night sweats, mood swings, and libido dips can feel like your body has turned against you. But the truth no one tells you, menopause doesn’t have to be a dip or decline. In fact, it can be a turning point where you take your female agency and reclaim your body, your pleasure, and your life. And the tool for that transformation? Your own orgasms.
As women, we are conditioned to prioritize everyone else’s needs first. Work, family, relationships, your own sexual and emotional satisfaction often came last. But menopause is the perfect wake-up call. This is your time to focus on you, to give yourself permission to explore your body without guilt, and to embrace self-pleasure as a radical act of self-care. Friend of this site, Dr. Justin Lehmiller wrote in Psychology Today that regular orgasms can be a surprisingly effective way to manage menopausal symptoms, even outperforming other lifestyle adjustments like diet or exercise in symptom relief. That’s powerful shit right there. If you haven’t listened to Dr. Lehmiller’s Sex & Psychology podcast you need to start doing so immediately.
Pleasure as Medicine
Orgasms are transformative because they are literally therapeutic. Each orgasm floods your body with the perfect cocktail of hormones; dopamine, oxytocin, and endorphins. Like a sexual martini that lifts your mood, reduces stress, and improves sleep. These aren’t just fleeting highs, they are biochemical signals that tell your body it’s safe, loved, and cared for. For women navigating menopause, these signals are critical. Hormone fluctuations can make sleep elusive, leave you irritable, or dampen your sense of desire. Orgasms counteract these effects. They literally rewire your nervous system to make pleasure and calm a habit rather than a luxury.
But the benefits go deeper than mood. Regular sexual activity—or self-pleasure—is linked to increased pelvic blood flow, which supports vaginal health. Menopausal women often face vaginal dryness and atrophy, which can make sex uncomfortable or even painful. Orgasms keep tissues nourished, elasticity intact, and sensation alive. It’s a reminder that your body is not failing; it is responding beautifully to care and attention.
Prioritizing Your Own Pleasure
One of the most important lessons menopause offers is this: your needs matter. You’ve spent decades prioritizing careers, children, partners, and obligations. Now, it’s your turn. Prioritizing your sexual satisfaction is not selfish—it’s an act of empowerment. When you choose to pleasure yourself, you’re setting a standard that your body’s desires are valid, your sexuality is vibrant, and your experience matters.
Start small. Explore your body without pressure. Learn which touches, rhythms, and sensations awaken you. Experiment with toys, lubricants, or simply time alone in a relaxed setting. Mindfulness can deepen this experience: being present, focusing on sensations, and tuning into your body’s responses increases the intensity and restorative power of orgasm. This is your personal growth in action—reconnecting with your body, understanding your desires, and reclaiming authority over your pleasure.
Think of orgasms like any other essential part of your self-care routine, because they are. Just as you nourish your body with food, rest, and vitamins, you can intentionally cultivate pleasure every day. Scheduling time for self-pleasure or orgasms with your partner isn’t indulgent or selfish, it’s vital. It signals to your body and mind that your sexual health, your joy, and your satisfaction are non-negotiable. When orgasms become as regular and intentional as your morning coffee or your nightly wind-down, they transform from rare treats into consistent sources of energy, mood-lifting hormones, and bodily wellness. Over time, this practice rewires your nervous system to expect and embrace pleasure, making you more present, more grounded, and more alive every single day.
Change Your Desire
Most women are wired for responsive desire, meaning arousal often follows action. You might not feel turned on until you’ve already started touching, kissing, or even just allowing your mind to drift toward something sensual. It’s completely normal. Our culture glorifies spontaneous desire, the lightning-bolt of tingles that hits out of nowhere but for most women, especially in long-term relationships or under life’s daily stresses, that kind of instant passion becomes less common. It doesn’t mean anything is wrong with you, far from it. It means you are normal and your body and mind respond to connection, touch, and emotional safety rather than surprise. Responsive desire is rooted in safety and presence and it is how many of us experience arousal naturally.
As we get older, spontaneous desire can slow down even more. If we wait for spontaneous desire, we might consider ourselves asexual or aceflux (somewhere on the asexual spectrum) which may not be true to our selves at all. Hormonal shifts, sleep disruption, medication side effects and the mental load of life all take a toll. Add in the emotional stress of caring for others, aging parents, work, or relationship fatigue, and desire often takes a backseat. You might start to believe that your libido is gone, that menopause “killed” it, but it hasn’t. It’s just become quieter, taken a back seat, waiting for you to reawaken it. When you’re living in a constant state of tension, your body doesn’t prioritize pleasure, it prioritizes survival. That’s why it’s so important to give yourself permission to slow down, breathe, and intentionally reconnect with your body through pleasure. Desire needs spaciousness to exist. It doesn’t shout over stress; it whispers when you finally start listening.
Biologically speaking, this all makes perfect sense. Earlier in life, your body’s sexual rhythm is tied closely to your reproductive cycle. Your libido naturally peaks around ovulation, when your body is flooded with estrogen and testosterone—nature’s way of nudging you toward procreation. Sex, at that stage, has a clear evolutionary purpose: reproduction. But as you move into menopause, your hormones shift. The reproductive drive quiets, and your body no longer treats sex as a means of making babies. Instead, sex takes on new meaning about pleasure, connection, and emotional bonding. Biologically, your brain still craves the oxytocin and dopamine that come from sexual intimacy and orgasm, because they reduce stress, improve immune function, and maintain social connection. So while the purpose of sex may evolve, its importance doesn’t fade. In this phase of life, sex becomes less about fertility and more about vitality. It’s your body’s way of keeping you emotionally regulated, physically resilient, and deeply connected—to yourself and to others.
The beautiful truth is that you can rewire your pleasure pathways. You can train your body to experience more spontaneous desire again. It starts with consistency—regular sexual self-care, mindful touch, and exploration without pressure. Schedule time for pleasure, even when you’re not “in the mood.” Use your senses to create conditions that invite arousal such as warm baths, soft lighting, music that makes you feel delicious. Treat your body like a lover you’re getting to know again. The more you show up for your pleasure proactively, the more your brain learns to associate your body with anticipation and reward. Over time, that spark of spontaneous desire begins to return because you’ve reminded your nervous system that your pleasure isn’t a rare event, it’s a way of being.
Old People are Grumpy
As we get older, our bodies ache in ways they never used to, friends and loved ones fall ill, and conversations often drift toward sickness, pain, and life’s annoyances rather than joy and excitement. Hormones shift, energy dips, and the daily grind feels heavier. It’s easy to get trapped in a cycle of negativity, where the aches, disappointments, and worries dominate our attention, leaving little room for fun, laughter, or indulgence in our own pleasures. But the truth is, this doesn’t have to define your later years. By actively choosing moments of joy and sexual satisfaction, you can break the cycle and bring light and positivity back into your life.
That tension in your shoulders? Melted away. That irritability that bubbles up over a minor inconvenience? Softened by the rush of pleasure coursing through your body. Orgasms aren’t just about sexual satisfaction—they’re a reset button for your mind and emotions. By prioritizing your own pleasure, you counteract the negativity that tends to dominate conversations and focus on joy, self-care, and connection with your body. Each orgasm reinforces a simple truth: your happiness matters, your body is a source of power, and you deserve moments of light and laughter, even when life is challenging.
Over time, this practice can shift your default mental state. Instead of starting the day with aches, worries, or news of another friend’s illness, you begin to integrate small rituals of pleasure into your routine. That sense of satisfaction and calm isn’t fleeting. Instead, it builds resilience, making you more patient, more joyful, and more present in your daily life. What starts as a private act of self-love ripples outward, influencing your mood, interactions, and overall sense of well-being. In other words, orgasms are more than physical release, they’re a tool for emotional renewal and reclaiming positivity as you age.
The happiest older adults, you know the ones. The folks with a glimmer of life, a fire in their eyes, a flirtatious vibe, the ones who still laugh easily, move with energy, and radiate confidence, are almost always the ones who keep sex and pleasure as priorities in their lives. It’s not luck or genetics, it is intention. They know that regular sexual release keeps the body youthful, the mind sharp, and the spirit light. When you orgasm, you’re flooding your system with feel-good hormones, improving circulation, balancing mood, and even boosting your immune system. So if you’re fifty or older and you’re not having at least two orgasms a week, you’re doing yourself a disservice. That’s your body’s natural tune-up schedule! Think of it like charging your internal batteries, each orgasm renews you from the inside out. It’s not about chasing youth, it is instead about honoring your aliveness. Prioritize it, celebrate it, and let it be part of what keeps you glowing through every decade.
Sex is not just a physical act, it’s the glue that keeps pair-bonded adults truly connected, making a relationship feel magical instead of transactional. As we get older, it’s all too easy to slip into relationships of convenience, staying together simply because it’s socially expected to be a pair, out of fear of being alone, or because leaving feels too complicated. But when sex and pleasure remain a priority, the bond between partners deepens in ways that go beyond companionship. Orgasms release oxytocin (the bonding hormone) which creates and deepens intimacy, safety, trust, and emotional warmth. Regular sexual connection reminds both partners that they choose each other every day, not just because it’s comfortable or convenient, but because they genuinely desire each other. That choice, that spark, is what keeps long-term relationships vibrant, alive, and deeply satisfying, even decades after the honeymoon phase has passed.
The Emotional Reset
Menopause is also an emotional transition. Anxiety, irritability, and sadness can sneak in when hormones shift. Orgasms act as a reset button. The biochemical cocktail released during climax elevates mood and reduces stress, creating emotional resilience. Over time, this becomes more than just a temporary lift. Regular self-pleasure helps your nervous system recalibrate, teaching it to find balance even when hormones fluctuate. It’s a practice of self-kindness, and it builds confidence—both sexual and otherwise.
There’s also a psychological dimension: engaging in self-pleasure reinforces self-worth. It tells your subconscious that your pleasure is important, that you are worthy of enjoyment, and that your body is a source of power. It casts aside the idea that sexual value diminishes with age and this mental reinforcement has ripple effects, improving intimacy with partners, fostering boldness in daily life, and nurturing a sense of agency that extends far beyond the bedroom.
Orgasms can have surprising benefits for conditions like bipolar disorder, borderline personality disorder, and other mood-related challenges that often emerge or intensify as we age. The flood of neurotransmitters released during climax helps regulate mood swings, ease anxiety, and stabilize emotional highs and lows. For someone with BPD, who may experience intense emotional reactivity, or bipolar disorder, where mood fluctuations can feel uncontrollable, regular sexual self-care can act as a natural mood modulator. It’s not a replacement for therapy or medication, of course, but it’s a powerful tool to complement mental health care. By consciously incorporating orgasms and frequent sexual activity into your life, you give your brain a healthy, consistent outlet for pleasure and emotional regulation, helping you feel more grounded, resilient, and connected to your body and yourself.
Actionable Steps to Reclaim Your Sexual Power
Reclaiming pleasure doesn’t have to be complicated. Begin by creating a ritual of self-care. Carve out a dedicated time for yourself, free from interruptions. Light candles, play music, and cultivate an environment where you feel safe and nurtured. Allow yourself to explore without goals or expectations—pleasure itself is the destination.
Next, experiment with your body. Touch, stroke, vibrate—find what feels good and celebrate it. Use lubricants and toys to find what works for your body, enhance comfort and sensation, particularly if dryness is an issue. Notice how your body responds to different pressures and rhythms. Journaling can also help to record sensations, moods, and insights, so you learn what consistently brings joy. By this age, you would think that you know your body well but you might be surprised to find nuances this late in life.
Finally, integrate orgasms into a holistic approach to your well-being. Combine sexual self-care with other lifestyle habits that support your health: gentle exercise, balanced nutrition, meditation, and stress reduction. Orgasms don’t replace these practices, they amplify them, making every aspect of your body’s wellness more effective and satisfying.
Sometimes sex just isn’t the same as it used to be. Your hips ache, your body doesn’t move as easily, or your partner can’t get it up like they once did. And that’s okay, it’s an invitation to redefine what sex means. Sex isn’t just about penetration or reaching orgasm but about pleasure, connection, and intentionally making yourself or your partner feel amazing. Shift the focus from the finish line to the journey and the arc of arousal, the build-up of touch, anticipation, and sensation. Explore long kisses, gentle caresses, sensual massage, or slow, mindful stimulation. By embracing sex as a rich landscape of pleasure rather than a goal-oriented activity, you discover a new depth of intimacy, connection, and joy that doesn’t rely on performance. Pleasure and touch becomes the point, and every moment along the way counts.
Reclaiming Joy and Confidence
Menopause doesn’t have to be about loss, it can be about liberation. By prioritizing self-pleasure, you rewrite the narrative of your body’s potential during menopause. You discover that desire doesn’t fade, it evolves. You uncover that your nervous system, your hormones, and your emotional landscape are capable of renewal. Orgasms rewire your brain for pleasure, positivity and excitement. And most importantly, you reaffirm that your satisfaction is not an indulgence; it is your right. If it feels weird at first, push forward. Set aside a few minutes a day to pleasure yourself and make that time important. If you have an orgasm, great. If you have too much on your mind for the big O and just get some pleasureful feels, that’s fantastic too.
And let’s be honest, there’s a little fun to be had in the theatrics of it all. Imagine telling your husband, with complete confidence and a mischievous smile, that you’re heading to the other room to pleasure yourself. The look on his face? Absolutely priceless. Invite him to join you or lock the door behind you. Surprise, curiosity, a touch of envy is all there, because you’ve just reminded him who’s really in charge of your pleasure. It’s a bold, teasing assertion of your desires, and it’s downright empowering. You’re showing him that your satisfaction is non-negotiable, that your sexual needs are yours to prioritize, and that his role is to admire, support, and enjoy your divine femininity.
Think of this as a journey of personal growth, not just a sexual one. Each orgasm strengthens more than your pelvic floor; it strengthens your confidence, your emotional resilience, and your capacity for joy. Menopause is an invitation to focus on yourself, to embrace pleasure without guilt, and to celebrate the extraordinary woman you are becoming. This is empowerment in its most intimate form.
I’m not personally in this chapter just yet, but I’ve been diving into Dr. Lehmiller’s work and I fell down a rabbit hole with this research. Knowing that this stage of life is looming on the horizon, I want to set myself up to be as sexually fulfilled as possible for hopefully decades to come. It’s like prepping for a marathon of pleasure and the better you start, the longer you can go, and the more satisfying every moment will be. And for anyone younger reading this? Do your part for future generations and give your grandma a vibrator. Seriously, it’s an investment in joy, independence, and unapologetic self-care. The future you will thank you for it.
Evolving The Conversation
- How can we shift societal narratives to normalize sexual self-care for menopausal women?
- What daily rituals can support both sexual satisfaction and overall well-being during menopause?
- How does prioritizing your own pleasure impact your confidence and personal growth outside of the bedroom?
- In what ways can partners support each other in maintaining sexual satisfaction during hormonal transitions?
- How can orgasms be intentionally incorporated as a tool for physical, emotional, and psychological wellness during menopause?
