Blog · FLR 101

Reader Letter: Wife Has Low Libido (FLR101)

This is one of a few blogs that were published by Yoga Girl at her website at http://flr101.blogspot.com. This site is now offline but all credit goes to her.

“Hi again, 
I have read and reread everything I think. My placement of this comment here seems somewhat random but here goes: in your relationship semen retention and orgasm control have been very useful tools for a relatively dominant woman with a high sex drive to contain and regulate her husband’s sexual and emotional energy both to maximize marital passion and meet both her needs and his (though he might not have recognized his needs prior to embarking on this journey). From the outside it appears that female dominance and male submissiveness might have been necessary starting points from which practices like semen retention and the prohibition of male masturbation have relevance and utility. Certainly there needs to be enough desire for physical intimacy by both parties for the practices you describe to present a pathway that both parties want to journey down. I wonder whether your practices would speak to a woman with with a low libido, who is menopausal and not interested in sex, who has little desire for an orgasm and seems to view her husbands sexual energy as an unwanted excess, a threat and not a a potential resource for her pleasure. In an almost sexless marriage my wife has no issue with my masturbating and sees it as a discharge of energy that she has little to no use for. She claims that she does not masturbate or think about sex these dat.To the extent that I can restrain myself and have done so I can feel my affection for and focus on my wife increase but unfortunately it is unwanted and leaves me feeling a bit lost, like I am pushing on a string… 

I suppose that I’ve put this comment here under the “Awakening your Yoni” because I specifically wonder whether there is any literature on yoga, or similar practices providing a post menopausal and estrogen depleted female with an augmented libido. Unfortunately because of a family history of breast cancer oral or topical hormone therapy is not a good option. I’m quite impressed by your thoughtful description of your successful marriage and am eager to find a truth or a tool here for us. I know that you have written this blog for women so that they might be empowered by your words and not necessarily for men, and that you are not marriage counselors either but I am eager to her you thoughts on my hypothetical.”

 Thanks for reading and your comments.  First of all, a woman needs to be in good health and have good energy to have a healthy libido.  There are many things that can get in the way of this.  Stress is a biggy, and sometimes men forget how much can be on a woman’s plate between work, kids, housework, and all the other activities that keep everything going.  It takes a lot of energy.  Unfortunately, many women suffer from sleeping issues during peri-menopause and menopause and can have multiple sleep interruptions during the night because of hot flashes or other reasons.  If you have an enormous amount of energy that needs to be spent on the tasks that keep all the wheels turning, and you’re not able to get adequate sleep, sex is the last thing on your mind.  Anything you can do to lighten her load and lessen her stress may be helpful. 

I’ll admit that there was quite a long period where we didn’t engage in much sexual activity.  I could take it or leave it, and it was much easier to leave it.  Once engaging in the actual act, I would get into it and enjoy it, but I didn’t really want to expend the energy to get it going mostly because before retention, he only lasted a couple of minutes anyway.  I think that also went a long way to killing my libido.  He didn’t do anything long enough to wake me up down there.  It’s a shame that many women’s libidos are probably killed by thousands of minutemen out there.  It’s also why going back to “normal” sex for us is not an option.

Once I learned of the longevity hormones produced during sex and how beneficial it was for health and to keep one looking younger, I became motivated to make it a priority.  This is more Eastern philosophy than Western medicine.  It doesn’t matter if there is actual truth in it.  If there is a chance it will help keep me youthful and beautiful, my vanity wins.  I make sex a priority now.  Even if I’m not in the mood to work out, I still have the discipline to start.  And like a workout, afterwards I’m glad I did.

I would also like to share a book that I am reading that I think could be invaluable for you and your wife.  Again, this is not coming from conventional medicine, but it truly speaks deeply to me.  The name of the book is “Thyroid Healing” by Anthony William.  The man who calls himself the Medical Medium, so you may need to take it with a grain of salt.  I have seen the things he talks about in his books supported clinically in my practice many times.  Honestly, I don’t care where the source comes from if the information really does help my patients get better.  He says that when a woman has no libido, it is because her adrenal glands are fatigued.  But it may not just be all her activities and demands that are fatiguing her adrenal glands, it may be the Epstein Bar Virus as well, and he has an awful lot to say about this virus.  I really feel prompted to bring this up because you mention a family history of breast cancer which means your wife could be at risk of developing breast cancer.  Mammograms and self exams are great for detecting cancer, but they don’t prevent it.  Without knowing and understanding the cause of breast cancer which he talks about in this book, it becomes much more difficult to prevent.  I highly recommend reading the book.

So let’s say there is an issue with the adrenal glands.  What can you do for them?  One of the best herbs out there to give the adrenal glands a boost is licorice root.  You can take it in capsules or drink it in teas.  For any readers out there who may be considering becoming pregnant or who are pregnant, I don’t recommend this.  I would also recommend monitoring your blood pressure as well as this has been known to sometimes elevate blood pressure which can be wonderful for people out there with too low of blood pressure.  Other herbs that are beneficial for the adrenal glands include Ashwaghanda, Passion Flower, Rhodiola, and Hops.  There are herbal sleeping aids such as Power to Sleep PM that I believe can be found at Wal-Mart that have a combination of Ashwaghanda, Passion Flower, Hops, and Lemon Balm with melatonin too that can really help a woman in menopause have a much better night of sleep while supporting the adrenal glands too.  It’s hard to feel sexy while tired.  A good night of sleep can go a long way to changing everything in the bedroom.

From the conventional medicine side of things, there is a cream that a compounding pharmacy can make with a small amount of testosterone the female can massage onto her clitoris before engaging in sex.  This helps the woman become more aroused and find more pleasure in the sexual experience.  Our local pharmacy calls it the “Scream Cream.”  Something like this would require a visit with your local health care provider for a prescription.  This is using a  hormone, but not a hormone related to increased breast cancer risk.  However, if you have no energy to engage in sex, you won’t feel motivated to apply the cream and use it.  So addressing those adrenal glands and alleviating the stressors around her may be the better approach for your wife from the information I’ve gleaned from your letter. 

There my be other psychological aspects going on.  Talking about what her needs and desires are could be helpful.  And maybe she feels that there is nothing wrong with the current way the relationship is and has no interest in ever rekindling the passion.  People go through many changes in their lifetime and have different needs and desires than the desires they had as a younger person.  Maybe there is a way that you can both continue in your current relationship without trying to shape her into a situation she doesn’t desire.  Maybe she can’t see the vision now but will one day in the future.  It took me several years before I really understood the magical beautiful place that could exist with me controlling my husbands orgasms.

Again, I’m not your doctor.   Consult your healthcare provider, and get a second and third opinion.  Every healthcare provider will bring something different to the table. 

I hope this was helpful for you and hopefully will be helpful to other readers out there.

~Namaste

 Thanks to my hubby for help with the website …and the orgasms!

DISCLAIMER: This blog depicts the loving consensual agreed upon relationship between the author and her husband.  Every relationship should be safe, sane, and consensual.  Anything else is illegal. This blog is not meant to substitute for your personal due diligence and is not to be taken as medical advice.

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subtom

Wife my wife’s absent libido, i fear she would just lock me away, happy to have me never ask again.

jd

Hi Subtom, Emma and others,

I wrote this question (and a few others) in what remains of Yoga Girl’s blog and am happy to see that this fragment from FL101 is read and generates an occasional comment. Subtom, I am very sympathetic with you and share your fear. I don’t have an answer for you after several years in this state myself and despite the very thoughtful answer provided by YG (I miss her). I read this blog EYM and comment here and there, appreciating the introspection and analysis that Emma and many here provide. I also appreciate that efforts of the women who contribute to represent their needs and desire in a ways less encumbered by the expectations of a still largely male dominated society. I strive, often unsuccessfully, to avoid self pity. However, from where I sit it is very difficult to translate this wisdom into action and relationship change. Some of that difficulty has to do with the fear that Subtom mentions and that I think I share but some of that difficulty may be due to the fact that a lot of what is said here begins with the assumption that a woman wants or desires something from or with her man. Whether it is his doing a larger share of the domestic work, his being more or absolutely focused on her pleasure in a non-transactional manner, or her gaining confidence in her knowledge that he isn’t going elsewhere to take care of his sexual needs. If she doesn’t have this explicit need or desire for pleasure then he can’t really fill it with offers of his labor, his affection or his chastity.

A lot in FLR101 and EYM has been written about a man yielding control, a woman taking control, about a couple wanting or allowing the woman to have more power in a relationship, power to decide what sex is and when it will be and to decide if and when he cums. Emma you write about this asymmetric power arrangement not necessarily being fair but nonetheless being better for both parties in the relationship and yielding the greatest happiness and satisfaction. I think that this power asymmetry that is espoused here might pale in comparison to that which exists in a sexless marriage. Caitlin V may have coined a phrase in one of her videos that in a monagamous relationship each member has or is offered a “monopoly on the other’s sexuality”. Now the point has been made that masturbation (often male masturbation) is a form of cheating, or cheating the other partner out of this monopoly and may circumvent this arrangement to its long term detriment. In a sexless marriage (and I speak from some experience) that is due to a lack or loss of libido the low libido person holds the monopoly but is indifferent to possessing it or doesn’t see, cannot see, having the monopoly as a thing of value. This can be just devastating to the higher libido partner. More disfiguring than resentment that arises might be the effect of loss of affirmation of one’s sexuality. It is a very disempowering feeling. YG alludes to armies of “minutemen” stamping out women’s pleasure and libido across the countryside. No doubt there is truth in this. But once a woman’s libido is extinguished where do you start to rebuild it and are efforts to do so going to be welcomed? Emma and others here (and YG I think did as well) talk about how a woman who leads and controls her man’s sexuality has responsibility and that to have a man feel “locked and left” is a recipe for causing resentment and for the whole thing not working. I think that in certain sexless marriages being ” unlocked and left” might feel even worse or be a more effective generator of resentment. I wonder if at least when a chastity cage is left in place by an indifferent keyholder it begs the question eventually and starts a conversation. Ultimately holding the key is an act, and the cage is a thing and the mans frustration might become palpable. It is said that most women have a more nuanced sense of color than most men. It was said elsewhere in this blog, (by you Emma?) that through orgasm control and retention a woman may help a man see a rainbow colors associated with different kinds of pleasure that he cannot see when he is led by his penis rather than by his woman. I wonder though what color palette a person with low or no libido has access to and how it fits into the range between black/white and all the colors of the rainbow. I find myself torn between wanting to make myself desirable, useful in some way or more focused on her pleasure or happiness such as with small acts of caring or consideration like the morning cup of coffee, meal prep, car care, stepping up to certain parenting responsibilities and listening.. or certain more overt offers of pleasure like a foot rub or offer of a back rub which for years are almost certain to be received with the enthusiasm usually reserved for itching powder and, on the other hand, the sympathetic feeling that if she has no libido, or interest in me sexually then I should leave her alone, and not make her feel bad about not rising to the occasion, of not having what I need or desire. After all it isn’t her fault that her ovaries have gone into retirement and why should she feel bad about it. One of the worst things is to hear my wife say, trying to be compassionate, that what I need is a younger woman and to know that if I say other wise, embrace her and try to kiss her to make her feel otherwise that it will have the opposite effect. That she will feel pressure to be other than who she is, a woman with a low libido, who has little physical desire for her husband but nonetheless loves him dearly. But still I think of YGs words about thousands of minutemen (funny cause I’m in Massachusetts) killing thousands of female libido’s on the sexual battlefield and I think that this isn’t just a state of affairs brought on by aging but something that I helped to bring about over time by confusing intimacy with sex and defining sex as those acts that lead inexorably to male ejaculation and may do so on a time course that suite neither party and that pleasure without ejaculation doesn’t somehow count and wasn’t a color that registered on my occipital cortex.. So toward what end I don’t know, and forgive me for being even more personal or graphic but I decided 16 days ago to give up orgasm/ejaculation. I have done so not for her or at her request, she doesn’t know and didn’t ask me for it. Nor would I want to add my abstention to the burden of her unmet “obligations.” I have done so primarily for me. I want to see what is out there in terms of emotions, brain chemistry, what colors lie beyond the well-beaten path (pun intended). I don’t know how long I can do this or even exactly why I am doing it but I can say with confidence that the combination of a sexless relationship and indulging the freedom to masturbate does not produce happiness or satisfaction in the past and is thus not likely to do so in the future.

Sorry for the ramble. Interested if any would care to set me straight on some of my crap or just give me some food for thought.

JD

subhubphx

JD, I absolutely applaud you. You and I have spoken before, and although i understand your hesitation to speak to her just like you have spoken to all of us here, I still believe it is the right thing to do … maybe especially if it includes words of comfort from you that none of it is intended to put pressure on her, or to even allow her to to venture off in the direction of obligation.

You communicate amazingly well here. Perhaps communicating as well with her about this, these things, and how you feel … all of it … will enhance the chances for a successful sexual reunion between the two of you. Sort like fertilizer (not shit) on a properly planted and watered seedling.

Good luck my friend!