I received an email from a reader who asked about their husband’s “masturbation” problem. An excerpt of her email is below:
He masturbates daily while I am at work, I know because I ask him and we don’t keep secrets from each other. He willingly tells me about his masturbation and reminded me that we have different libidos. He is correct, I only desire sex about once a week but he wants and he wants sex on a daily basis. He takes forever to cum and sometimes loses his erection during sex and I think it is because of too much porn and masturbation. I do think he is still attracted to me but I don’t know what to do since our needs are so mismatched. I feel guilty, like I am letting him down. I showed him your site and suggested the cage, he laughed and called me insane. He is completely unwilling to try it because he values his daily orgasm more than he values me.
Well, first off. Don’t feel guilty. You have different needs and he has taken matters into his own hands as a way to help make up for the differences between the two of you. Sexual differences are a major reason for breakup divorce so you aren’t alone. Your bodies are different so let’s leave it at that.
Is your current level of desire something new or did you desire him more earlier in the relationship. Our bodies are cruel mistress as female desire wanes as we get comfortable. If the desire was there and is no longer, you may just need to do some things to give yourself a kick start.
Let’s flip things around
So he isn’t willing to try the cage and he isn’t willing to give up his daily orgasms. Let’s look at the problems individually. Problem number one, he masturbates daily and you aren’t a part of the fantasy or the activity. Problem number two, he takes forever to cum and sometimes loses his erection during sex.
Let’s talk about number two first because I see it as the bigger of the two problems. Perhaps not bigger but possibly more impactful to the relationship. Even when he gets what he wants, he isn’t able to be satisfied since he takes forever to cum and/or loses his erection. If he is masturbating to internet porn, he is seeing lots of visual stimuli and clicking through sexual scenarios that you are never going to be able to hope to fulfill. I would say that he is masturbating to the wrong stimuli. He should be masturbating to you.
Take some sexy photos of yourself or better yet, have him take them for you in provocative poses. Perhaps some with eye contact. You can even look at some porn together and come up with some poses that turn him on. Request that he use those photos exclusively for any masturbation for the next 30 days. During this time, he need not reduce his masturbation. The only difference is that you will be the object of his fantasy, as it should be.
When you are alone together in the morning or in the evening and you are reading, watching tv or on your phone request that he masturbate to you. You can continue doing your normal tasks but he will be pleasuring himself to your body. If you want, you can stop your tasks and make eye contact with him, touch him or do anything that helps him cum. Try to do this on a schedule that suits his masturbation habits. If he masturbates daily, give him a few minutes of your body to get his jollies off.
Rather than sit passively while he release his sexual energy, you might consider requesting oral sex while he takes care of himself. It will take some practice but he is certainly capable of going down on you while taking care of himself. With this scenario you will both get some excitement even if you don’t finish before he does.
After a few weeks of making intimacy intentional, one of two things will happen. Either he will grow closer to you and look forward to your time together each day or he will go back to old habits. In either case you know he won’t to stop masturbating, guys aren’t wired that way. Check in with him frequently to see how he is doing and ensure that old habits aren’t coming back.
This should help him cum more quickly as well since he is going to need to look to you (and reality) for the visual stimuli to fuel his arousal. The two of you will also be much more involved in the sexual aspect of your relationship.
Who is Insane?
He really said that you are insane for suggesting my site? That makes me so sad! Not really. I hope with time he will grow closer to you and your feelings to try some sexual things that may help the two of you reach a common ground. If you make some compromises with the sexual attention that he is getting, he may be willing to make some for you. It does sound like the sexual tension is causing some resentment on both sides. As you grow together and he sees acknowledges some progress, you may be able to make some headway.
Earlier I asked if your sexual appetite was higher earlier in the relationship. if so, we might be dealing with a loss of newness in the relationship. Your relationship might benefit from a feeling of newness of going out and feeling some new and exciting feelings. As I am writing this, most businesses in our area are closed due to Covid-19 so that may not be an option but perhaps it is. Your arousal is directly tied to hormones and there’s no better way to jump start hormones than some sexual tension and excitement. Remember that there’s nothing wrong with some innocent flirting. You might just feel some butterflies and bring them home with you. You certainly don’t need to cheat on him do anything regretful behind his back. Keep everything above board and depending on how understanding he is, you might even mention it to him.
Let’s be clear, the conditioned masturbation that I am suggesting is simply to reverse the conditioning that he has done to himself. It sounds like your guy is experiencing symptoms of delayed ejaculation. In a blog that I wrote last year, I discussed some ways to overcome the conditioning that he has cultivated into his body’s ejaculatory response. As I mentioned in that blog, tease frequently and stay sexually open with him.
Unwinding all that he has done to himself won’t be an overnight process but I am confident that the two of you can work together to get things figured out. If he has problems staying hard or reaching orgasm by himself, you might ask him to visit the doctor to get things checked out. It may be something like hormone levels which can be fixed with diet and exercise or with hormone therapy.
This isn’t all about him. I’m about to throw you under the bus as well. Lack of desire is a serious problem and this may be the thing that led him to take things into his own hands. His choice to handle matters by himself rather than addressing them unquestionably made matters worse but it isn’t too late.
Joy From Intimacy
Start taking joy from being intimate with him. Clearly this is becoming a challenging part of your relationship and you’ve started to associate intimacy with problems and inadequacy. Stop that right away. Work with the situation as it sits today and enjoy your intimate times with him. I am sure that he is a smart guy and can certainly observe your body language if you aren’t into it. Make a conscious decision to make time for intimacy together and value that time. If you use your low desire as an excuse for avoidance, it will really be self-compounding just like his decision to masturbate by himself. Be self-aware enough to acknowledge that you are part of the problem and become part of the solution.
Sexual compatibility and intimacy are two of the top reasons for divorce according to a list from survivingdivorce.com. I certainly don’t want to see things go down that road for the two of you. Your husband sounds like he is trying to meet his needs by himself in an unhealthy way. The two of you should work together on a plan to ensure that both of you are able to understand and acknowledge both of your needs. Only then can you work on a plan to meet your needs, together.