About Her · About Him

Gender Balance and Understanding: Using Pegging as a Tool

Within each of us there are two sides; the female side and the male side. A combination of different feminine and masculine parts to make you the person that you are. A gender balance or a yin yang of sorts. This is normal, this is just fine and neither side is superior to the other. At birth, we are assigned a set of genitals that pushes us to us with one side or the other. You have a penis so your male characteristics are dominant. You have a vagina so your female characteristics are dominant.

A woman is not merely a woman, a man is not merely a man we are both infinitely more complicated than that. Our definition of gender in a balanced human is far too simplistic.

A woman is not allowed to be strong, assertive, dominant intellectual, left brain type person. That is an abomination. Inversely a man is not allowed to be a right brain, loving, nurturing individual because he would be less of a man. To be healthy, we are both balanced humans.

As a woman, it can be difficult or not lady-like to assert ourselves. The gender bias in the workplace makes us bitchy or bossy while an assertive man is a considered a leader.

So how can we balance our gender energy? Society teaches us to ignore the qualities that aren’t reinforced by our genitals but that neglects a huge part of who we are.

As a woman, we can reject those gender roles by playing sports, do something competitive, play video games, weight lifting, learn a new skill and use that skill rather than hiring out for it. For example, I fixed my sink yesterday rather than calling a plumber or asking one of the boys to do it. Yess!

As a man, engage with your emotional side and volunteer your time, work with elders or the less fortunate, spend time connecting with children, do something artistic, redecorate a room, lean to play an instrument or compose music. Cuddle more, hug more, give massages, be more non-sexually physical when you can.

While none of the things above are one sided, they exercise things that are stereotypically gender based or push us to try something outside of the gender bias. Any of the above things are completely acceptable for either gender to do.

All of this is simply fuel to get you more connected with yin or yang side but how can you get more connected with your other side sexually? As a woman, I feel that distancing emotions from sex is a huge evolution for me. Remove guilt from hookups, remove love from sex, remove anxiety from the morning after. Allow yourself to be vulnerable. As women, sex is about becoming vulnerable for our partner. We “allow” our partner to penetrate our body. Flip the script on that and rather than saying “I let him fuck me” say “I fucked him”. It is truly liberating to make sex something that you did and not something that someone did to you. Trust me, it isn’t simply semantics.

As a man you can be more open to feeling positive emotions as part of sex. This can be difficult and often requires an open minded female to step away from the traditional “normal” of sex. Rather than wham bam thank you ma’am, focus on physical connection without penetration. Focus on spooning, feeling and even dry humping with little to no emphasis on ejaculation or orgasm. For men, ejaculatory orgasm is an emotional game ender so avoid it until you are fine with ending your experience together.

So what about pegging?

Pegging is an eye opening experience and one of the most sexually emotional experiences that a man can try. For a man, the act of pegging is about relaxing his body and accepting penetration. Think about it as a woman, if your body is tense then sex is incredibly uncomfortable. As a man, this must be learned through familiarity, trust and breathing relaxation. Sometimes I feel Kevin is tense and I run my fingers up and down his back to redirect his mind and allow him to focus on accepting my connection with him.

From the female perspective, pegging allows the masculine energy to be redirected outside the body and allows you to do sex to someone rather than have someone do sex to you. I find that a deep connection with my strap-on and harness is important and I know that sound stupid but allowing myself to feel like the strap-on is part of me helps me enjoy it more. Yes, this means wearing the harness around the house. Sometimes with the toy in and sometimes with no toy at all. This even means sleeping with the harness or toy. Hell, I am wearing my harness (minus the toy) at this very moment. Typically this happens after after an exhausting marathon of sexual exploration and we fondly call it passing out from exhaustion.

So what about communication. I can’t let you get this far into one of my blogs without lecturing you about communication. Alright, you asked for it. Pegging is the a tool to release communication and mental self exploration. While pegging itself doesn’t create communication, it fosters an environment where communication is acceptable. This may be communication with your partner or it may be communication with yourself. Communication for us is deep conversations about sexuality and feelings or it can be the confidence to ask for what we want sexually. We’ve been at the pegging game for some time now and while I wouldn’t go so far as calling ourselves pegging experts, we now crave it. Pegging is the primary type of intercourse that Kevin and I experience together and it is because of the deep emotional connection that it fosters. I was the first to find myself craving the dominant position of penetrating him. I would say things like, I’m going to be the boy tonight or I’ll be the one fucking you tonight. While it felt strange and funny at first, it quickly became quite normal for us. Fast forward nearly a year and Kevin started approaching me with requests like this. I think it is more difficult for a man to tell a woman that he wants to be pegged because let’s face it; pegging isn’t mainstream nor socially acceptable- yet. Once the action starts, encourage each other to be verbal. Rather than silence, imagine if he is asking you to fuck him, asking you to go slower, faster, long strokes, short strokes. All of the things you (hopefully) communicate to him while he is penetrating you. From your side, be verbal about your dominance and your intentions. Be verbal about your observations. I like to call Kev my little slut or compliment his sexy ass while he backs it up onto me. It’s no holds barred with the communication in our bedroom, sometimes we find something that we really like and sometimes things come off silly and we giggle together. Pegging is a way that we express our love together and we both enjoy the incredible connection that it affords.

If you are female and apprehensively thinking of “trying pegging out” because one of your friends suggested it, you read a blog in Cosmo about it, or your boyfriend begged you for it; whatever the reason. I say go for it but go all the way. Rather than tiptoeing in, try to make it an emotional experience and take it seriously. You might just enjoy it and learn something about yourself and your partner along the way. Force yourselves to set aside time to discuss the experience afterwards. How did it make you feel, how did it make him feel. Did either of you feel shame? Did either of you feel vulnerable? How about powerful, did you feel powerful? What about dominance, did you feel dominant? Dominated? How about sexy? Did either of you feel especially sexy?

So you were born with a certain set of genitals and society tells you to outwardly reflect those genitals with some traits to make you represent the gender deck that you were dealt. That’s fine, you should be proud of who you are but also understand that you are a sum of your parts and your parts aren’t defined by the gender that you were dealt. Try to consciously mute your masculinity or femininity for an hour or a day and see how you feel when you are free of those rules and expectations. You might just find yourself happier and you might gain a better understanding about who you are. Happy pegging internet friends!

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subhubphx

Excellent Emma. Thank you for sharing the benefits of pegging, especially for the Wife/Girlfriend.

Loved this:

I find that a deep connection with my strap-on and harness is important and I know that sound stupid but allowing myself to feel like the strap-on is part of me helps me enjoy it more. Yes, this means wearing the harness around the house. Sometimes with the toy in and sometimes with no toy at all. This even means sleeping with the harness or toy. Hell, I am wearing my harness (minus the toy) at this very moment.”



myQueen

Wow Emma, you nailed this one.

Your perspective of “Pegging is the primary type of intercourse that Kevin and I…” really hit home for me. It was something I thought about but didn’t verbalize until it was too late. While my wife & I tried pegging a couple of times, we were about to make it a more frequent part of our lovemaking. Unfortunately, that was just before her stage 4 cancer diagnosis and she went quickly. I do have regrets about not saying something sooner.

I completely agree that we have both masculine and feminine aspects to us and societal norms for behavior based on gender is way past its expiration date. Often, I would tell my wife she was born the wrong gender. She accomplished so much in life in spite of having to ‘swim upstream’ against the gender bias strong, successful women have to deal with that I never had to simply because of the genitalia between our legs.

myQueen

Thanks so much, Emma… She was the best! The marriage we had was way beyond what I used to think was the ideal one. It was one beyond imagination & one I feel so fortunate to have been a part of.

subhubphx

Pegging is the primary type of intercourse that Kevin and I experience together and it is because of the deep emotional connection that it fosters.”

When Andrew came into the picture, it seemed like y’all were headed in this direction. With intercourse with Kevin primarily limited to pegging, and with Andrew being the only one in the house not submissive to anyone … has a hierarchy developed that results in PIV sex for you coming exclusively from Andrew?

subhubphx

Thanks for the update Emma. I assume that PIV with Kevin hasn’t been eliminated, it’s just less frequent? Are the D/s dynamics specific to each person? In other words, for example, is Kevin submissive to just you, or to Andrew as well?

mrbillsails

Wonderful article Emma, thank you for this.
So many points here hit home for me.
My wife has pegged me 3 or 4 times in the past and from the first time I said “this is something we need to do again!”.
Unfortunately it has not become anywhere near a regular activity.
I had thought that as I got older and potentially less potent that pegging may become more prevalent. I am still relatively able, but sex just has become much less prevalent as my wife is post menopause.
As I have gotten older I have discovered that we all have masculine and feminine attributes and that it is ok to be both.
You mentioned feeling sexy after pegging. Perhaps I have spent too many years lusting after beautiful porn models, but I crave feeling sexy. I wish that I could be one of those gorgeous girls who are lusted after. This has led to my interest in limited cross dressing, including wearing panties and nightgowns exclusively.
I have also discovered that I am sexually submissive and crave being dominated by my wife. I love it when she fucks me including when she is on top and love it when she calls me a slut.
I plan to share this article with her. I hope to be able to report back that it brings about more pegging for us.

Undrawing

This struck a chord of truth with me. Great blog.

bamberbabe111

Hi Emma,

I’m brand new to your blog. I’ve been binge reading your posts the past week/week and a half, and I’m loving every minute of it.

I’m already into pegging (SUCH a big deal to me bc I loooove it), but I’ve been trying to introduce my man to chastity. At first, when I messaged him about it, he got super hot and bothered by the idea, and seemed super excited!! But whenever I’ve messaged and asked him to order a cage, he never acknowledges it or says anything about it. I ordered one tonight so I can bring over to his place on Christmas, but I’m worried that I messed up with how I talked about it with him in person .

I’ve basically said that I want him to last longer since he’s always done before me. And told him a couple benefits of less frequent ejaculation & of using a cage. However, I think I accidentally offended him. I asked him if I did, and he laughed and said that I didn’t offend him. He’s not a liar but I’m worried I really didn’t approach it gracefully when I tried talking about it in person and that I turned him off the idea.

He’s a very giving partner in bed, he’s turned on by my pleasure just as much as by his own. However, the whole point of me bringing up chastity cages is bc after reading your treasure trove/wealth of information on this, I recognized the negative behaviors and my own negative emotions in our sex life. I want to improve it.

How would I best go about talking with him about this again in a way that makes it appealing to him?

We’re both switches, but after all the information you’ve given me, I realized I cannot live without male chastity and a FRL.

Thanks so much Emma.
A

bamberbabe111

Thank you so much Emma! I will do the first, as you suggested. I should be receiving the cage by Christmas! I will update you once we’ve used it a bit.

Arianna

We just started with pegging in the last couple months and I quite like the way it makes me feel. When I cinch up the straps on the harness and position myself behind him, I really feel like I am in control It is like nothing I have ever experienced sexually before.

The first time was intimidating and I had an irrational fear that it would be a poop mess everywhere.