I've learned many things over the last year but one of the most interesting is the tie between an emotional and a physical relationship. Why is casual sex while in a relationship so frowned upon? I am not saying that I want to go out and do bunches and bunches of casual sexing but I like to talk about things.
- Pregnancy/STD
- Hurt feelings
- What others think
- Threat to the relationship
When we hear about someone cheating, it is framed in such a way that we are led to believe that they are a bad person or did it to hurt their partner. This is rarely the reason although some partners use infidelity as revenge or tit for tat. I personally don't see the purpose in this and would highly recommend communication as a better way of handling relationship problems.
Men and women cheat for largely the same reasons although the order is often different.
- Low Self Esteem
- Emotionally Starved
- Using Infidelity as Revenge
- Crave Excitement
- Sexually Deprived
First let's look at the differences between casual sex and relationship sex. Sex is intimate when you are doing it with someone that you've got feelings for. When you don't have a deep connection, sex can be hot and exciting but it is more about the physical attraction and lust. Having sex with a hookup is almost always awkward with awkward silences and awkward touching as you try and guess what the other person likes and dislikes. You are always on edge that one or both of you might get emotionally attached. It may seem like I am trying to talk you out of it but I'm not. Casual hookups are awesome! The passion and spontaneity are hotter than hot and it makes you feel attractive and alive. It validates that you are beautiful and this other person knows it too.…
Thanks for another interesting post, Emma. I think you are right about the importance of communication when a couple decides to involve a third party in their sex life. After my wife and I formally agreed to have a wife led marriage, with various elements of D/s, our relationship evolved gradually, with a great deal of discussion, towards one that allowed sexual freedom for her but not for me. It’s not that her sex drive is higher than mine. A part of me envies her freedom to enjoy sexual variety, but as a submissive man, I find it emotionally enriching to be denied a privilege she enjoys. I think of it as cuckolding, but she doesn’t use that term. She points out that “cuckolding” would imply that having sex with other men is something she does TO or FOR me, whereas she sees it as something she does for her own enjoyment.
Based on discussions with my wife, I think there is something between “casual sex” and the kind of “relationship sex” that an actual couple have. She says she needs to have a connection to a guy outside the bedroom to have a good rapport with him in the bedroom. To that end, there is always a brief period of dating before she has sex with a guy. The guys know that she is married and intends to stay married, so the period of dating for the guys is like an audition for extramarital sex partner. The dating of process is exciting for both her and me because she talks to me about it almost the way she might talk to a close woman friend. When things are going well and she is excited at the prospect of sex, I have a deep feeling of compersion.
I am never allowed to be present when my wife has sex with another man. She says privacy makes it more enjoyable for her. Unfortunately, my wife isn’t into enforced chastity. I think that would enhance the emotional experience. But she does ask me to refrain from having orgasms for a few days before she has sex with another guy. She likes knowing that I will be really horny while she is with the other guy and that my imagination will run wild. When she gets home from a tryst, she will ask me if I’ve been “a good boy”, and when I confirm that I have, she will give me a slow hand job while telling me about sex with the other guy. She will usually tease me about what a “cute little cock” I have compared to the other guy. That usually pushes me over the edge, resulting in a mind blowing orgasm. I think she gets as much pleasure from my pleasure as I get from hers. I don’t think non monogamy would work for everyone, but it works for us.
I 100% agree with this statement, the word cuckold either makes me feel like I am being used or like I am doing something humiliating or mean to him. I don’t like the word but to each their own.
I enjoyed your comment, what a wonderful relationship dynamic the two of you have.
If that coworkers husband is jealous and controlling than she picked wrong..sexlife notwithstanding…
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