About Her · About Him · Relationships

Modern Marriage: A wonderful sex life is not optional!

It is no secret that marriages are difficult. In fact; up to 63% of marriages end in divorce according to a recent statistic. That statistic was before the pandemic and I know that Covid has been very difficult for many couples as well. There are many components of a successful marriage such as communication, intimacy, love and sex. If any one of those components is broken or missing, someone is settling and perhaps harboring resentment. When one partner harbors resentment, the relationship is stunted since intimacy cannot flourish. Without physical intimacy, your relationship may be reduced to one of friendship, co-parenting, convenience, or co-dependence. In my relationship with Kevin, I don’t feel the butterflies that I did when our relationship was new. This isn’t because Kevin is a bad guy, boring or any other negative thing about him. In fact, this means that Kevin and I are a great match.

When a couple is in a committed relationship, the body stops creating those butterflies. Naturally with trust and intimacy the newness wears away. This isn’t a bad thing, can you imagine if you felt the same level of uncertainty and anxiety after years with a partner? This sexual tension and newness is natural with a new relationship and the novelty and whimsy of a new partner is much of the allure of a new relationship. The hookup lifestyle encourages us to hop from one relationship to the next, constantly searching for those elusive feelings of newness. Having your cake and eating it too would be newness and novelty coupled with the intimacy and partnership of a long term relationship.

Females are inherently challenged with maintaining a sex drive toward a long time partner. Our bodies aren’t wired for it, society makes us feel guilty for it and sex that we determine to be repetitive becomes a chore. Sexual desire discrepancy/disparity is the difference between one’s desired frequency of sex and the actual frequency of intercourse in the relationship. It is said that 80% of couples regularly experience situations where one partner wants to have sex and the other doesn’t. Some partners don’t see the discrepancy as a big problem but this mismatch in libido can lead to all sorts of problems such as resentment and infidelity.

When there is a hint of mismatch, the relationship is in a constant state of famine. The partner who is not getting enough is seemingly never satiated because their level of desire is always higher than the baseline desire of the other partner. We all know the reasons why we don’t want to have sex. Headache, stress, lack of connection, these are all very common reasons why sex doesn’t happen and the woman becomes the cliché housewife that doesn’t desire her husband. The male need to be validated as a man is deprived and he goes to seek his fulfillment elsewhere. It is a self fulfilling circle that can damage relationships irreparably.

Breaking this cycle of sexual desire discrepancy is challenging but not impossible. The first step is for both partners to level-set with the current state of the relationship. Sit down face to face with no distractions and each of you must choose a number from 1 to 10 and speak for a few minutes about why that number was selected. For example, that number may be a three because he doesn’t last long enough when we have sex and only seems to be focused on getting off. The number may be four because he never goes down on her and that is something that she needs sexually. Be prepared for there to be a big discrepancy between one partner’s number and the other. One partner isn’t compromising sexually and may have somewhere close to an 8 or 9. The other partner, doing all of the compromising may be close to a 4 or 5. The goal is to bring both partners to a 6 or 7 and meet in the middle. When both partners are getting their sexual needs met and align on sexual frequency and/or certain selection of sexual activities their numbers grow together. For example, they may align on a 6 but over the course of a year, grow in intimacy where they are both at an 8 or 9. It is unrealistic for either partner to say that their level of sexual satisfaction is consistently at a 10. In fact, I would suggest that the number one and ten are off limits. There is no way that either partner is doing everything wrong, just as there is no way that the partner is doing everything right. This isn’t about criticism, this is about constructive evaluation. Now set a calendar reminder to have this same conversation once a week.

Alright so one partner needs to compromise forever for the sake of the other partner, this seems pretty one sided. Not really! This isn’t always about sex, this is typically about sexual attention which ranges anywhere the mild such as a mutual massage or allowing a partner to masturbate while you watch him or her. It is about making time for your partner sexually. If your partner feels that you aren’t making time for him or her sexually, they will feel that tenfold throughout other areas of the relationship. Men often feel a level of performance anxiety in the bedroom and this stunts their ability to perform or their willingness to put themselves in a situation where they may underperform. Women on the other hand may feel like sex is a chore or something that they simply don’t want to be bothered with. Perhaps they feel like sex is repetitive, mundane, boring or perhaps even physically or emotionally uncomfortable. In both scenarios, this is totally normal! Adapt to your partner and figure out what makes them tick. When you have your weekly level-setting conversation, talk about what turned you on. What worked for you. What didn’t work for you. Communication about sex is uncomfortable but cast that aside for a moment and communicate on a deep level about how sex made you feel.

Men want to feel desired and this is something that they aren’t permitted in today’s society. Men want to feel sexy and that isn’t something our society accepts as a male trait, at least not globally like we do for females. Does this mean that men need to dress in panties and lingerie? This is a possibility for some men but to the great extent, feeling sexy equates to feeling like their sexuality is valuable to you. This is the importance between spitting or swallowing their juices, they want to feel like you find them valuable. Spitting symbolizes that their seed is worthless while swallowing symbolizes that it is valuable and not to be cast away. Similarly, chastity symbolizes that you find their penis valuable enough to lock up and treat the key with reverence. Unlocking it periodically shows that you value this object and the object symbolizes your husband’s sexuality at a very literal level.

Women need to feel like they are worth more than an object for sexual satisfaction. We struggle with body image and we constantly strive to be treated as a person and not some sort of ornament to a man’s life. We are often valued differently based upon physical attractiveness which is a hard pill to swallow. This comes in stark contrast to the male needs. Men don’t feel sexualized. Women feel oversexualized. The compliments that your guy may want to hear are probably never complements that you would want to hear and that is just fine. Would you want to hear “nice tits” every day? Probably not. You would rather hear something like “you look really beautiful today”. On the flip side, your guy would probably rather hear “nice dick” than “you look very handsome today”. He hasn’t felt years of sexualization to diminish the importance of overtly physical/sexual compliments. If you think his dick is nice, tell him.

Our bodies are the summation of parts to be fixed, ogled or perhaps even rejected. We are not a set of parts, we are humans. Just as a man cannot change his penis size, we cannot obsess over the flaws that we perceive about our own bodies. Oftentimes, we allow our perceptions of our partner to feed into these insecurities when in fact they are completely happy with the way that we look. If you have someone who you truly believe loves you for who you are, don’t allow yourself to create a false narrative about how they really feel. Negative feelings about your body shouldn’t prevent you from a physically intimate relationship. Holding back with your physical intimacy is both self destructive and relationship destructive.


An additional thing that we as women do to ourselves is birth control. We take an already challenging hormonal cocktail that is our bodies and add some artificial chemicals that are intended to make our body think we are permanently at the early stages of pregnancy thus altering our menstrual patterns. Long term use of birth control causes some very long term consequences to our ability to become aroused and our ability to empathize the needs of our partner. If you are in a long term relationship and you intend to have kids one day, consider having kids sooner. If you are in a relationship and never intend to have kids, consider getting a snip snip for your guy. Birth control while touted as one of the biggest gender equalizers in the history of the human race is not without some pretty ugly side effects. Don’t allow a chemical to get in the way of your sexual happiness. Being off hormonal birth control is amazing and I highly recommend that you consider it.

For both genders, you are more than the body that you inhabit. You are a person with needs, goals and opinions. As a partnership, you can work together to ensure that both sides of the relationship equation have their opinions heard and that the needs and goals of both partners are met. Use your weekly sexual conversation as a sounding board about what was met and what was not met during the preceding week. Put your sexual relationship on a pedestal. If you fail to make it important, it will quickly undermine the emotional side. Give each other time and value each other. Communicate honestly and openly about your needs.


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true42

There’s a lot of truth here. Some of it even painful to recall.

williamportor

Good information here. This seems to be a growing trend as we transition from the hunter – gatherer period into the modern age. IMHO – male chastity cages should be promoted to combat unwanted pregnancies in teens and adults, prescribed by marriage and family counselors to modify overly aggressive male behavior (fortunately this is already happening) and should be standard equipment is all or most FLR’s.

winstonmacgregor

If women naturally loose sexual interest after a period of time while being in a long term relationship, does that mean women are biologically made to stop wanting sex after a while? Maybe the opposite is true and it is like fighting against the tide? Maybe you need to look in to developing new hobbies to replace sex like collecting stamps or going to renaissance fairs?

Gina84

#agree
The older I get the more sex can seem like a chore. I don’t crave it as much and sometimes it is uncomfortable for me. I am still attracted to him but being with him is enough for me. But I know it isn’t enough for him and I want him to be happy too.

My husband definitely needs it more than I do but I learned its not like he just only wants sex. He wants sexual play and teasing. Trying different things like pegging and chastity where I don’t feel the constant pressure for NORMAL sex is very good for us. I know that sexual energy is essential for closeness and I’m not denying that sexual play is fun. Your blog helps us open our marriage to new ideas and keep that spark alive even after 8 years married. His sexual energy is a fun play thing for both of us!

DavidS

there is a lot of truth here, but also a few points that you are taking shortcuts at.
First, being a male, i’m not really wanting my one to compliment my dick. I really think your comment is pushing the difference between men and women a bit too far. Yes I certainly do want to know she likes my dick, but as much as she likes the rest of me (mostly), the same you probably like to know Kevin likes your breats or butt, and your overall body.

And I would like you to be a bit cautious with your last comment on birth control. While I certainly agree the idea of using chemicals in your body for anything would be preferably avoided, birth control has had huge impact on society and women, allowing them for a more free sexual life and control over their sexuality. And one can not leave aside the importance of birth control in the world we leave in at the moment where humanity is already far too many. Without birth control, we would already be past apocalypse from that point of view, with wars emerging everywhere, for lack of resources for everyone. While I understand your point, encouraging all women to jump off birth control ship would be dangerous.

DavidS

I totally agree with you on singling out body features, and it’s a rather human trait to purposefully misunderstand it for the opposite: being said “your this or that is beautiful” then gets transformed into “then it means this or that is ugly !?”. Though i tend myself to tell my gf, while in the act, how much I like her boobs as I touch or suck them, or her butt as i kiss it. But i feel it’s not meant to be a compliment as much as in this case a teaser, although of course it’s more than true.

Birth control is indeed a tricky topic. It’s undeniable it’s key in the society but it’s obviously not coming without its own downsides. That’s just how everything is. Yet, i believe it’s still essential, and all women not being equal, I’m happy many can rely on it when needed to get more freedom (especially nowadays where freedom could quickly turn into a concept of the past). Remember also that birth control does not have to be done chemically, there are also physical means to do it, so there are choices at least.

winstonmacgregor

It is always polite to pretend things like physical appearance and money are not two factors people use when judging people (which they also do but it is not polite to say you do it out loud) but it is the truth. It is the reason why app dating is so enormously popular. People get to set filter criteria and just swipe away people constantly. There will always be someone better looking ect. Nice people with a face picture don’t have success with the new form of dating. They want to see the body parts you mention and what your job/profession is. Most people are like this. The key is to find someone who is an outsider in ways. An independent thinker, a true believer in something, ect. There you will find depth be it emotional, intellectual, and so on.

winstonmacgregor

You mentioned the idea of a subservient role and I wonder how important is your “role” in an exciting sex life? Maybe that could be a problem, that couples are connecting on a personality related basis and are not sexually compatible. Maybe it would be easier for people to choose those who they are sexually compatible with and then find personal aspects to love after that? Maybe it is just a lifetime of social conditioning but there are many women sexually excited by the idea of assuming the subservient role that you brought up and the same goes for the men who assume the dominant role. The opposite could apply as well with a dominant woman and subservient man. It just seems like relationships flow best with the symbiotic nature of a dominant and submissive personality. Almost as if we are trying to outsmart our natural instincts to our own detriment in modern society. Would the key to more successful marriages be to allow either gender to assume a dominant role and submissive instead of a 50/50 goal I wonder. I once knew a woman who was the subservient one in her marriage. She got married young, had a daughter and stopped working to take care of her while her husband focused on his career which he became a high level executive type. They eventually divorced when their daughter was in her middle teens. Her husband moved to another country, started a family, and gained custody of their daughter because he was seen as the financially stable one who could provide for her. This woman was lost and very depressed. She felt like a failure ,ect.I asked her what her life would be like if she had got married, had her husband change his last name to hers, and fully supported both her professional career and raised their daughter. It was like a moment of clarity to her it seemed. They were both dominant personalities trying to make it work while she was forcing herself in to the subservient role. Her natural confidence started to shine out and everything. Almost as if she didn’t know that she could be that way and needed permission.

Brian

I’m with you on the dominant submissive thing.

I do terribly in 50/50 relationships. All the bartering and balancing. For me its like a buffet of half met needs at best.

The problem is compromise. Its often spoken of as something good, but…… its compromise. Its not the whole thing. Its a bit of the thing.

A dom / sub relationship on the other hand? I’m all about that. Each knows there place. No compromises. Each getting there needs met. Good stuff.

Problem is, today the very idea of not 50/50 is virtually heresy.

But to your point. I don’t think very many people have tanked a deep dive into there sub / dom nature before getting married resulting in many missmatches almost guaranteed to blow apart.

spankandblow

“Transcend their subservient role”…. nature made men bigger, with more muscle mass and deeper voices and a testosterone high that lasts through most of adult life. But there are plenty of women who assume the dominant role despite all nature has thrown in her way.

spankandblow

Emma is a fantastic writer. I wouldn’t be surprised if she’s a published author or former newspaper reporter. She has also allowed me to speak freely on her forum although we are on opposite poles of the BDSM spectrum. Her female dominant perspective always serves to make me rethink my positions as I am not submissive at all.

I agree with Emma’s premise that if you’re going to have a monogamous relationship, sexuality is not optional. I don’t know if monogamy is going to be the future of relationships, but if it is, you have to be with someone who can help you cum (and you can help cum) and whose rhythm you can work with.

I have two current lovers. One found that testosterone pellets help a lot with reinvigorating her sex drive. She cums very quickly — in fact, more quickly than I do. I happen to think a lot of problems with both sexes and especially women and sex is hormonal. We seem to be in a period of paranoia about vaccines and other tools of modern medicine, but I have looked at the results for her and frankly I’d rather not live to be 100 unless my sex life continues as it has. I think both sexes should look at hormone replacement as they crest 50 and especially women who have always had a wonky libido.

Last edited 1 month ago by spankandblow
spankandblow

It is no secret that marriages are difficult.”

There are some things which still baffle me:

1) Renting if you can afford to buy.
2) Eating out when your own cooking is better.
3) Getting up immediately the moment the plane lands.
4) Daylight Savings Time
5) Getting married without a prenup.

Maybe it is a result of being the son of an attorney and judge, but civil marriage without a prenup has to be one of the stupidest things people do. Just because you’re in love and poor as church mice today doesn’t mean that will describe you in 20 or even 10 years. I also do not understand the absurd amounts of money people spend on weddings.

Monogamy with someone you really love is kind of like eating pizza every night. Pizza is really good, but what if you had to eat it for EVERY MEAL for the rest of your life. Sounds good for some. For others an occasional hamburger or sub sandwich would be nice even though I prefer pizza.