I was thinking in the shower as I often do and I thought to myself; self, many of these fetishes that Kev and I enjoy dance around the bigger topic of inferiority or sexual inadequacy. My site carries the same bucket of fetishes that seem interconnected in some way. Pegging, SPH, chastity, cuckolding, etc. All of these fetishes can revolve around the idea that one partner is inadequate in some way. People that like cuckolding have an affinity for chastity cages and people who like chastity cages have an affinity for pegging and SPH. Could it be that all of these things are somehow interrelated? I stopped soaping up my pits just long enough to stare blankly at the bare beige tile of my shower wall and savor my a-ha moment. Could it be?
I quickly dried off and with my hair wrapped in a towel, I did a bunch of searching around in the tubes of the information superhighway and I wasn't able to find anything about an inferiority fetish. I found information about inferiority complex and sexual inadequacy complex but not what I was specifically looking for.
To be a cuckold is to admit that you are less than adequate and desire to watch a more adequate person satisfy your partner. Sometimes cuckolding includes humiliation and denial both of which are due to not being good enough. I am sleeping with this guy because you are inadequate in some way. Too small, don't last long enough, not manly enough etc. Ok clearly cuckolding checks the box.
This one is obvious. Your dick is small so I am going to make fun of it. Box checked. The funny thing is, some of the guys into SPH don't actually have small penises at all. They just like to be teased about the body part that they hold most dear. Ok lets save that tasty morsel and unwrap it later.
You aren't good enough to fuck me so I am going to lock your penis up in a tiny cage so you can't use it. Another reason for chastity is guilt (or perceived guilt) from masturbation. Chastity is fetishizing denial in the clearest form. Like cuckolding, it acknowledges that she doesn't want it and prevents him from using it. Ok male chastity certainly has roots in inferiority.
What about pegging, how does gender role reversal in the bedroom align with not being good enough? I think this comes down to the pressure to perform or more accurately; not feeling pressure to perform. The strap-on will always stay hard and so long as you can bend that little bum over the side of the bed you will always be able to perform as a more than adequate bottom to my loving thrusts. Sure there is a deep entanglement of other reasons but this one checks the box.…
“Am I spot on or am I stretching too far? Let me know in the comments below!”
Yes. Yes, you are.
Even more simply said, clearly it depends on the individual(s) involved and all of their specific dynamics that come along with it. Yes, cuckolding, chastity, SPH and pegging are all fetishes, but for some of us, we can participate in some of those things without there being a connection to another fetish, inferiority. So, for me, you might be stretching too far because I don’t have a desire for an inferiority fetish. But that’s me. For others, of course you are absolutely spot on.
I get the feeling that your blunt, almost demeaning manner in which you described the four fetishes in your blog was for dramatic effect? As we men evolve (see what I did there?), our feelings or levels of interest in certain activities may increase or decrease based on that evolution. I’m a good example of an evolved man (there, I did it again), and in large part to hanging around here with you and others on this amazing site. I’ve gone from a husband that was only caged rarely in the past, and only for punishment purposes, to a husband that is now (mostly) permanently caged, and we both are loving every minute of it. I’ve gone from not even being able to consider my Wife having sexual pleasure with another man (or woman) because of insecurities, to a man that would embrace it if it were something that decided that she wanted. I can honestly say that there is no connection for me between those activities and any inferiority but rather a natural and beautiful place Ms. K. and I are each in now. I’ve always enjoyed pegging, so I can’t use that as a good example, and SPH is just something that has ever come up … but hopefully you get my point.
All that being said, your words under the “It Isn’t About Him” section of your post is absolutely, 1 million percent spot on! “When sex feels like work guess what, I don’t get too interested or excited.” When it comes to this sentiment there are two kinds of women; those that agree with that, and those that are lying about agreeing with it. *Smile
Thank you for another excellent blog Emma! Hope your summer is going well. It’s hot as balls in Phoenix. I’m sure it’s similar where you are.
While I can absolutely see inferiority as a driver for some or many men (and also women, outside of FLR dynamics), it’s not what drives me. For me, it is the power exchange: The excitement and arousal comes from the loss of agency.
For example, enforced chastity is not a rejection of my sexual advances toward her, but rather the removal of my ability to experience my own pleasure—even (and especially) by my own hand. The driver is not on my inferiority but upon her power and control, making her pleasure my only possibility. Cuckolding is not exciting to me unless it also includes chastity. The same applies to pegging: She exercises power, while I must simply submit. (SPH, on the other hand, is still tied to inferiority. ?)
In each case (excepting SPH), what makes them titillating is that the woman is the sole driver of the encounter or interaction, removing or excluding my own ability to experience what she does or what I (ostensibly) want.
I like the blog but is the title wrong?
Getting off on not feeling good enough or getting off on feeling not good enough?
You are completely right. I will change the title now. Your title reads much better!
For me, I have to say that you are stretching too far. Generally speaking, everyone’s mileage varies. That is a general point that I recognize is not too helpful. But, I do have two specific thoughts that may help in a deeper dive.
First, while I absolutely agree that a feeling of inadequacy or desire for humiliation may explain a man’s interest in SPH, cuckolding, chastity, and pegging, it certainly isn’t a commonality among all of the men here. I don’t think @subhubphx or I are in that club. I just formally proposed to my girlfriend that we take our FLR to wife-led relationship where she will be in charge in our personal relationship. Sex will be for her pleasure, and she will own my orgasms for the rest of my life. But, we both agree there is a limit to her authority and that limit is humiliation. Humiliation is a hard “no” for us. She likes being in control and I feel liberated by having her take the lead. The relationship is based on our mutual trust to support each other in becoming the best individuals we can be, and if she were to humiliate me or shame me, we would both see that as a violation of that trust. We both feel that embracing an FLR has made us better people (not just made her a “better” person at my expense).
While I do not personally desire to see my fiancé have sex with another man, per se, because of compersion I can see how it would be possible for me to support her engaging in sexual activity with another person so long as it was strictly limited to sexual gratification and the very purpose was to enhance the relationship between us. Right now, I have a hard time seeing how that math works, but I do acknowledge the possibility that it is possible. If humiliation were a part of it in any way, however, it would be a non-starter.
Similarly, I don’t have a particular desire to be pegged by my fiancé, but I would absolutely be open to it if I thought it would bring her pleasure. If the feeling of being powerful and having that kind of control turned her on, I would be pulling my knees to my ears and reaching for the lube in an instant. I can even easily imagine having an orgasm while being pegged in this way. But, if the purpose were humiliation, I would have no interest and I doubt she would either.
My fiancé owns my orgasms because we both agree that it is the inevitable and logical result of all our sex being for her pleasure. All our sex is for her pleasure because that is the inevitable and logical result of our decision that she will be in control of our sex lives. This is turn has been decided upon because I am confident enough in my masculinity and trusting enough in her leadership to cede that to her. This is made easy for me because I find it psychologically liberating for me to turn over such an important area of my life to someone I love and trust. She loves being in control and thrives on wisely and compassionately holding that power. But neither of us has ever broached the subject that my dick should be locked up because it is unworthy of being touched. Would I wear one if it enhanced her sense of control? Sure. Would I wear one because she thought I needed a constant reminder of my inadequacy? Not for a minute.
I am much taller than the average man, but as far as I can tell my unit is perfectly average. So, by one standard, my penis isn’t small at all. By another standard, maybe you could argue that it is small in proportion to the rest of my body. She doesn’t tease me about having a small penis, but if she did, I am sure I would deflate like a popped balloon rather than stiffen at the abuse.
Maybe this varies based on whether the man is an alpha male, beta male, or sigma male. That may be another topic for another day. But I do not think that we are all necessarily dealing with inadequacy issues.
My second point is something that I will make quickly because I admit that I don’t feel that I have personal experience with desiring humiliation or feeling inadequate. I realize that I could touch off a firestorm and that is not my intention. I am just trying to understand. If the basis of the basket of fetishes you describe us as carrying here (pegging, chastity, SPH, and cuckolding) is the issue of inferiority, then how is fetishizing them and exploiting them ever “positive.”
To humiliate is to shame. Shame has a very, very limited use in modifying behavior. I think the science shows, and my own personal experience does too, that positive reinforcement is a far more powerful tool. But neither negative nor positive reinforcement makes my penis bigger or makes me a less inadequate human being.
And if the purpose of the humiliation is to peg the feeling of inadequacy from my body so that I realize I am not really unworthy, it seems like we might be off the mark a bit. I would think we would only be reinforcing or normalizing my inadequacy.
Maybe the great folks here at EYM can help me connect the dots.
Many, in bdsm, have been abused physically or emotionally in their lives. The acts of being hurt by someone you love and trust, later in life, is often their way of dealing with the emotions. I think humiliation fetishes work similarly for many as well. It’s similar to being able to laugh at yourself in life, when you recognize that you have been foolish or did something dumb in life.
I don’t feel “not good enough” for my Wife when She is with someone else.
Because She has relatively equal desires for both men and women, no one person can be “good enough” for Her. She was very up front about this when She started the relationship with me 11 years ago.
“If there is a good performance, that doesn’t mean it is the only show she will ever want to see.” – I kind of look at it like alcohol. I might be a tasty Irish coffee, but sometimes She wants champagne, rum & Coke, or something else to keep variety in Her sex life.
Oh Emma your posts sure hit home for me. The “I am not good enough” thought has played out in many respects over my lifetime, even though I’ve had my ego boosted in various ways and never had any complaints from lovers. Your explanation about “fetishizing” my insecurities is spot on. Looking back, I see how some perceptive lovers have been able to identify these issues in me and use them in our relationship; best at doing that has been my wife. We’ve been together and “evolving” for quite some time now, and she has taken more and more control as she has figured out more and more about me. It began shortly after we got married, with her “challenge” that she gets (at least) 2 orgasms every time we make love. It has now morphed into a full-fledged FLR with her own unique flair. Keeps things exciting for us and with the explanations you have provided here in your blog, I’m gaining more insight too. Thank you!
Do I fetishize Women by recognizing that They are superior to men quite often? i do believe my place is at my Wife’s feet. I think a big problem in society is that Women are socialized to not be on charge. Do I sound like I am trying to justify some of my kinks?
I think you are spot on. The “It isn’t about him” is an important section. I always try to prioritize her wants and needs. She’s always so thoughtful putting her first really just balances out our relationship. I find meaning and purpose in it, which is rewarding in itself. Thank you.
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