I was thinking in the shower as I often do and I thought to myself; self, many of these fetishes that Kev and I enjoy dance around the bigger topic of inferiority or sexual inadequacy. My site carries the same bucket of fetishes that seem interconnected in some way. Pegging, SPH, chastity, cuckolding, etc. All of these fetishes can revolve around the idea that one partner is inadequate in some way. People that like cuckolding have an affinity for chastity cages and people who like chastity cages have an affinity for pegging and SPH. Could it be that all of these things are somehow interrelated? I stopped soaping up my pits just long enough to stare blankly at the bare beige tile of my shower wall and savor my a-ha moment. Could it be?
I quickly dried off and with my hair wrapped in a towel, I did a bunch of searching around in the tubes of the information superhighway and I wasn’t able to find anything about an inferiority fetish. I found information about inferiority complex and sexual inadequacy complex but not what I was specifically looking for.
Cuckolding
To be a cuckold is to admit that you are less than adequate and desire to watch a more adequate person satisfy your partner. Sometimes cuckolding includes humiliation and denial both of which are due to not being good enough. I am sleeping with this guy because you are inadequate in some way. Too small, don’t last long enough, not manly enough etc. Ok clearly cuckolding checks the box.
SPH (Small Penis Humiliation)
This one is obvious. Your dick is small so I am going to make fun of it. Box checked. The funny thing is, some of the guys into SPH don’t actually have small penises at all. They just like to be teased about the body part that they hold most dear. Ok lets save that tasty morsel and unwrap it later.
Male Chastity
You aren’t good enough to fuck me so I am going to lock your penis up in a tiny cage so you can’t use it. Another reason for chastity is guilt (or perceived guilt) from masturbation. Chastity is fetishizing denial in the clearest form. Like cuckolding, it acknowledges that she doesn’t want it and prevents him from using it. Ok male chastity certainly has roots in inferiority.
Pegging
What about pegging, how does gender role reversal in the bedroom align with not being good enough? I think this comes down to the pressure to perform or more accurately; not feeling pressure to perform. The strap-on will always stay hard and so long as you can bend that little bum over the side of the bed you will always be able to perform as a more than adequate bottom to my loving thrusts. Sure there is a deep entanglement of other reasons but this one checks the box.
Ok so all these fun fetishes may have roots in feelings of inadequacy and inferiority. Well, shit. Does that mean that I’ve inadvertently been compounding any ideas of inferiority? Does it perhaps instead mean that I am helping him cope with pre-existing feelings of inferiority using nontraditional sexual mechanisms? The question that you must ask is a chicken and egg question. Does pegging him make him feel inferior or did he feel inferior and is pegging helping him cope with those feelings in a healthy way?
This takes us back to the SPH guy who is equipped with a satisfactory apparatus. Why does he get off from SPH while not having a humiliating piece of equipment? Could it be that we all have feelings of inferiority? Of course we all feel inferior sometimes. Why do you think plastic surgery, boob jobs, liposuction are multi billion dollar industries? Why isn’t SBH (small boob humiliation) a thing? Wait… is it? *furiously googles* Huh. Turns out that SBH is a thing. Enter smalltitshumiliation.com a site dedicated to tiny or ugly boobies.
Ok so we all have things that we are ashamed of and we all seem to get off being humiliated about it; is that such a bad thing? We are wired in such a way that fetishes appear as a coping mechanism for things that we are self conscious about. Those fetishes can be suppressed (how well does that usually work?) or they can be explored and enjoyed. I suggest that with frequent and open communication, fetish exploration is a wonderful way to grow together and a healthy outlet for feelings of not being good enough. Fetishes gain in strength when other avenues of sexual gratification are unavailable due to relationship constraints, shyness, fear of sex, physiological dysfunction or socio-cultural inhibitions. Fetishes are more prevalent in sexually repressive cultures and unexercised misunderstood fetishes often lash out in terms of violence, often directed toward women. Fetishes are more common in men than women but that may be because women underreport fetishes and may be better at compartmentalizing uncomfortable or seemingly inappropriate feelings.
Sexual fetishes create a sort of tunnel vision that makes it easy to ignore the things that someone is uncomfortable about and focuses on the things that they know will arouse them. The ability to squash the uncomfortable things may indeed make sexual fetishes a unique way to experience a healthy sex life together. Communication is of course important because both partners need to check each other often to ensure that things stay positive. There is also the concern of desensitization. When light teasing doesn’t work anymore, do you back off a bit and redirect to a new thing or do you go with heavy teasing to keep the oxytocin flowing at the same levels? I think it is a trial and error checks and balances thing. Ensure that you’ve got a loving partner to watch over you and make sure that you hover right around the rabbit hole without falling into it. Neither of you would want to get in so deep that we can’t function without it.
I’m not good enough
This post isn’t intended to make you feel good enough or overcome your insecurities so I won’t try. This post is however intended to discuss those natural feelings of inadequacy and understand how it morphed into the fetishes that we discussed earlier. Your chastity fetish is a direct sexualization of me rejecting your sexual advances. You want to have sex? I deny you sex. Your subconscious decides that sexual denial is arousing. Your SPH fetish, how about that one? Your subconscious has oversimplified sexual pleasure into penis size. Don’t get me wrong, penis size is a part of sexual pleasure and having an appendage that meshes well with your partner’s orifice is good but you’ve gone to the extreme. In your mind you are thinking that more penis equals better penis. Ask just about any woman and she will tell you the math equation for good sex isn’t quite that simple. Alright so what about pegging? Do you have sexual insecurities about your performance? Have you ever had trouble getting hard? How about staying hard? Have you ever came too soon? Has it ever taken too long to cum? Pegging is about simplifying sexual performance, receiving sex rather than giving it. I acknowledge that men are to sex as a Broadway show is to the audience. Men have the performance anxiety and most of the opportunity to mess up the experience. Women by and large can sit in the audience and critique the performance. If the performance is poor, it is unlikely they will go see that show again. If there is a good performance, that doesn’t mean it is the only show she will ever want to see. She may want to see something different next time.
Sex is acceptance
I think we can agree that for the most part, men experience rejection more than women. To a certain extent, men sleep with who they can and women sleep with who they want. From the moment of the first dance at school, the burden of asking the woman out is on the man. Men often feel obligated to seek the acceptance of women through life. The are addicted to the high they felt when the girl agreed to go to that first dance with them. The feeling of acceptance can be mistaken for intimacy or as a reinforcement of intimacy. When he asks her for sex and she turns him down, he is being rejected sexually. When she permits sex, he is taken into her body and rewarded with the most pleasurable of sensations. In addition he is validated and accepted as a man.
To protect himself from un-validation and un-acceptance, he can sexualize that rejection by fetishizing it with a chastity cage. The cage protects him from that rejection by fetishizing it. The cage prevents him from having to be vulnerable. In contrast, pegging and SPH allow them to feel deeply vulnerable. Cuckolding allows him to feel like he has provided sexual pleasure to “his woman” by allowing her to use another man as a sex toy for her pleasure. I put the term “his woman” in quotes because I acknowledge that it is problematic to use that term because she is of course not his property. With cuckolding, he fetishizes the competition that he has felt since early in his life and draws it closer so he cannot be hurt by it. When the woman practices aftercare and gives him praise and affirmation after a session with another partner, he is rewarded and the fetish reinforced. Aftercare is extremely important, don’t skip it. The point is, these kinks are each different ways to gain deep intimacy in a very complex world that started long before you knew him.
Embrace that fetish!
As we learn more about female sexuality and acknowledge the orgasm gap that exists, we understand that female sexual needs are much more complex than the constraints that society has for a normal relationship. Fifteen years of sex with the same guy is probably a great recipe for a boring bedroom. To those capable of keeping things spicy, I salute you. To those where things have grown stale, mix things up. Learning to enjoy a fetish together is a great way to exercise those muscles of sexuality. When men experience sexual stagnancy, they most frequently turn to fetishes to exercise that muscle. When women feel that sex is stagnant, they are more capable of turning off the sexual switch and seeing their partner as a friend or partner rather than an object of sexual desire. If you use fetish and exciting experiences within or outside of your relationship to keep those sexual wheels greased, you will keep that fire of desire lit and burning brightly.
I can’t reiterate the importance of open communication enough, keep an open dialog to make sure that his fetish is constantly being challenged and the boundary pushed; but not too far. Remember that our body is quickly desensitized to stimuli. Every once in a while, do something unexpected. I’m shitty at this so I actually set a reminder in my phone to push a sexual boundary with him once a month. Last night for example, we were lying in bed and I was teasing him in his cage. His “chastity tears” or pre-cum came out of the tip of his cage and touched it to the tip of my finger. I made eye contact as I told him that I loved him as I touched the tip of my finger to his lips. It was intensely erotic and it showed him that not only do I still love him but I am still in love with him. We spoke afterwards and he said that it was unexpected, he felt a rush of not knowing how to feel about it and he found it intensely arousing. Just an example to keep things exciting.
It isn’t about him
I find it easy to get hung up on him and his needs which can ultimately feel like work. When sex feels like work guess what, I don’t get too interested or excited. As females, most of us are people pleasers. We are taught to help others above ourselves. While pleasing others is great, it isn’t the solution here. You need to grab on to the attributes of your sexuality that you find most fascinating and most arousing. Take those attributes and discuss them with your husband/boyfriend. He wants your fire of desire and sexuality to burn brightly and nothing will keep you engaged to your erotic side like fascination, stimulation and excitement. On the flip side, nothing will shut your erotic side down like stagnation, boredom and feeling like routine or work.
The ecosystem of inferiority
So all of these fetishes orbit around your relationship like planets around the sun. Assuming the planets don’t crash into each other or fall into the sun and burn up, your relationship will be just fine. If you get too close to the sun, talk to each other and understand where those boundaries lie. Anyway, I’ll let you go but leave me a comment about this one and let me know what you think. I know this is a bit of a stretch and it makes some assumptions and implications that some may find uncomfortable. Am I spot on or am I stretching too far? Let me know in the comments below!
“Am I spot on or am I stretching too far? Let me know in the comments below!”
Yes. Yes, you are.
Even more simply said, clearly it depends on the individual(s) involved and all of their specific dynamics that come along with it. Yes, cuckolding, chastity, SPH and pegging are all fetishes, but for some of us, we can participate in some of those things without there being a connection to another fetish, inferiority. So, for me, you might be stretching too far because I don’t have a desire for an inferiority fetish. But that’s me. For others, of course you are absolutely spot on.
I get the feeling that your blunt, almost demeaning manner in which you described the four fetishes in your blog was for dramatic effect? As we men evolve (see what I did there?), our feelings or levels of interest in certain activities may increase or decrease based on that evolution. I’m a good example of an evolved man (there, I did it again), and in large part to hanging around here with you and others on this amazing site. I’ve gone from a husband that was only caged rarely in the past, and only for punishment purposes, to a husband that is now (mostly) permanently caged, and we both are loving every minute of it. I’ve gone from not even being able to consider my Wife having sexual pleasure with another man (or woman) because of insecurities, to a man that would embrace it if it were something that decided that she wanted. I can honestly say that there is no connection for me between those activities and any inferiority but rather a natural and beautiful place Ms. K. and I are each in now. I’ve always enjoyed pegging, so I can’t use that as a good example, and SPH is just something that has ever come up … but hopefully you get my point.
All that being said, your words under the “It Isn’t About Him” section of your post is absolutely, 1 million percent spot on! “When sex feels like work guess what, I don’t get too interested or excited.” When it comes to this sentiment there are two kinds of women; those that agree with that, and those that are lying about agreeing with it. *Smile
Thank you for another excellent blog Emma! Hope your summer is going well. It’s hot as balls in Phoenix. I’m sure it’s similar where you are.
While I can absolutely see inferiority as a driver for some or many men (and also women, outside of FLR dynamics), it’s not what drives me. For me, it is the power exchange: The excitement and arousal comes from the loss of agency.
For example, enforced chastity is not a rejection of my sexual advances toward her, but rather the removal of my ability to experience my own pleasure—even (and especially) by my own hand. The driver is not on my inferiority but upon her power and control, making her pleasure my only possibility. Cuckolding is not exciting to me unless it also includes chastity. The same applies to pegging: She exercises power, while I must simply submit. (SPH, on the other hand, is still tied to inferiority. ?)
In each case (excepting SPH), what makes them titillating is that the woman is the sole driver of the encounter or interaction, removing or excluding my own ability to experience what she does or what I (ostensibly) want.
I like the blog but is the title wrong?
Getting off on not feeling good enough or getting off on feeling not good enough?
You are completely right. I will change the title now. Your title reads much better!
For me, I have to say that you are stretching too far. Generally speaking, everyone’s mileage varies. That is a general point that I recognize is not too helpful. But, I do have two specific thoughts that may help in a deeper dive.
First, while I absolutely agree that a feeling of inadequacy or desire for humiliation may explain a man’s interest in SPH, cuckolding, chastity, and pegging, it certainly isn’t a commonality among all of the men here. I don’t think @subhubphx or I are in that club. I just formally proposed to my girlfriend that we take our FLR to wife-led relationship where she will be in charge in our personal relationship. Sex will be for her pleasure, and she will own my orgasms for the rest of my life. But, we both agree there is a limit to her authority and that limit is humiliation. Humiliation is a hard “no” for us. She likes being in control and I feel liberated by having her take the lead. The relationship is based on our mutual trust to support each other in becoming the best individuals we can be, and if she were to humiliate me or shame me, we would both see that as a violation of that trust. We both feel that embracing an FLR has made us better people (not just made her a “better” person at my expense).
While I do not personally desire to see my fiancé have sex with another man, per se, because of compersion I can see how it would be possible for me to support her engaging in sexual activity with another person so long as it was strictly limited to sexual gratification and the very purpose was to enhance the relationship between us. Right now, I have a hard time seeing how that math works, but I do acknowledge the possibility that it is possible. If humiliation were a part of it in any way, however, it would be a non-starter.
Similarly, I don’t have a particular desire to be pegged by my fiancé, but I would absolutely be open to it if I thought it would bring her pleasure. If the feeling of being powerful and having that kind of control turned her on, I would be pulling my knees to my ears and reaching for the lube in an instant. I can even easily imagine having an orgasm while being pegged in this way. But, if the purpose were humiliation, I would have no interest and I doubt she would either.
My fiancé owns my orgasms because we both agree that it is the inevitable and logical result of all our sex being for her pleasure. All our sex is for her pleasure because that is the inevitable and logical result of our decision that she will be in control of our sex lives. This is turn has been decided upon because I am confident enough in my masculinity and trusting enough in her leadership to cede that to her. This is made easy for me because I find it psychologically liberating for me to turn over such an important area of my life to someone I love and trust. She loves being in control and thrives on wisely and compassionately holding that power. But neither of us has ever broached the subject that my dick should be locked up because it is unworthy of being touched. Would I wear one if it enhanced her sense of control? Sure. Would I wear one because she thought I needed a constant reminder of my inadequacy? Not for a minute.
I am much taller than the average man, but as far as I can tell my unit is perfectly average. So, by one standard, my penis isn’t small at all. By another standard, maybe you could argue that it is small in proportion to the rest of my body. She doesn’t tease me about having a small penis, but if she did, I am sure I would deflate like a popped balloon rather than stiffen at the abuse.
Maybe this varies based on whether the man is an alpha male, beta male, or sigma male. That may be another topic for another day. But I do not think that we are all necessarily dealing with inadequacy issues.
My second point is something that I will make quickly because I admit that I don’t feel that I have personal experience with desiring humiliation or feeling inadequate. I realize that I could touch off a firestorm and that is not my intention. I am just trying to understand. If the basis of the basket of fetishes you describe us as carrying here (pegging, chastity, SPH, and cuckolding) is the issue of inferiority, then how is fetishizing them and exploiting them ever “positive.”
To humiliate is to shame. Shame has a very, very limited use in modifying behavior. I think the science shows, and my own personal experience does too, that positive reinforcement is a far more powerful tool. But neither negative nor positive reinforcement makes my penis bigger or makes me a less inadequate human being.
And if the purpose of the humiliation is to peg the feeling of inadequacy from my body so that I realize I am not really unworthy, it seems like we might be off the mark a bit. I would think we would only be reinforcing or normalizing my inadequacy.
Maybe the great folks here at EYM can help me connect the dots.
Many, in bdsm, have been abused physically or emotionally in their lives. The acts of being hurt by someone you love and trust, later in life, is often their way of dealing with the emotions. I think humiliation fetishes work similarly for many as well. It’s similar to being able to laugh at yourself in life, when you recognize that you have been foolish or did something dumb in life.
I don’t feel “not good enough” for my Wife when She is with someone else.
Because She has relatively equal desires for both men and women, no one person can be “good enough” for Her. She was very up front about this when She started the relationship with me 11 years ago.
“If there is a good performance, that doesn’t mean it is the only show she will ever want to see.” – I kind of look at it like alcohol. I might be a tasty Irish coffee, but sometimes She wants champagne, rum & Coke, or something else to keep variety in Her sex life.
Oh Emma your posts sure hit home for me. The “I am not good enough” thought has played out in many respects over my lifetime, even though I’ve had my ego boosted in various ways and never had any complaints from lovers. Your explanation about “fetishizing” my insecurities is spot on. Looking back, I see how some perceptive lovers have been able to identify these issues in me and use them in our relationship; best at doing that has been my wife. We’ve been together and “evolving” for quite some time now, and she has taken more and more control as she has figured out more and more about me. It began shortly after we got married, with her “challenge” that she gets (at least) 2 orgasms every time we make love. It has now morphed into a full-fledged FLR with her own unique flair. Keeps things exciting for us and with the explanations you have provided here in your blog, I’m gaining more insight too. Thank you!
Do I fetishize Women by recognizing that They are superior to men quite often? i do believe my place is at my Wife’s feet. I think a big problem in society is that Women are socialized to not be on charge. Do I sound like I am trying to justify some of my kinks?
I think you are spot on. The “It isn’t about him” is an important section. I always try to prioritize her wants and needs. She’s always so thoughtful putting her first really just balances out our relationship. I find meaning and purpose in it, which is rewarding in itself. Thank you.