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If you’ve been following my blog for a while, you know I’m all about adapting, evolving, and strengthening relationships. I believe that as long as you have two (or more) people who are compatible and committed, almost anything can be worked through.
But recently, I received an inquiry that made me pause. A reader described a marriage so toxic, so inherently imbalanced, that for the first time, I found myself saying something I’ve never said before: You should break up.
If I’m being honest, breaking up has never really occurred to me as an option. Not because I think every relationship is perfect, but because I’ve always seen love as something we shape, mold, and refine—not something we throw away when it gets tough. But the reality is, some relationships aren’t just struggling; they’re damaging. They sap your energy, diminish your self-worth, and leave you feeling more alone inside the relationship than you ever would outside of it.
I won’t mention much about alternative relationship dynamics that many of us explore and that’s intentional. Those dynamics are not a replacement for the foundation of a strong relationship; they are things you build onto an already solid, loving, and mutually invested partnership. No dynamic—no matter how exciting, freeing, or unconventional—can fix a relationship where love, respect, and the desire to show up for each other are missing. If the connection at the core isn’t strong, if both partners aren’t actively working to be better for each other, no amount of new rules, shifting power dynamics, or external stimulation will create the bond that simply isn’t there.
When Love Turns Toxic
Not all bad relationships are abusive, and not all unhappy relationships are toxic. But when love itself becomes a source of pain, rather than comfort, something is deeply wrong.
We outgrow those who don’t appreciate us—the ones who become indifferent to our presence, comfortable with our absence. The ones who let the distance between us grow, until one day, we realize they never really fought to keep us close.
We outgrow those who don’t truly see us—the ones who claim to love us but only embrace the parts of us that are convenient. The ones who dismiss our needs because they’re too preoccupied with their own.
We outgrow those who make us feel like an afterthought—the ones who could give more but choose not to. The ones who place us last on their list of priorities and expect us to be okay with it. The ones who are lazy in their love, retreating two steps for every one step we take forward.
At some point, we have to ask ourselves:
“Is this relationship nurturing me or draining me?”
“Am I fighting for something real, or am I just afraid to let go?”
Because love should never feel like a battle for basic respect.
The Signs It’s Time to Walk Away
Here’s the truth: Love isn’t enough. A relationship also needs respect, trust, and mutual effort. If those things are missing, no amount of love will make up for it.
So how do you know when it’s time to break up? Here are some of the clearest signs:
1. You Feel Alone in the Relationship
A relationship should be a place of comfort and connection, not loneliness. If your partner is physically present but emotionally absent—if you feel unheard, unseen, or like you’re carrying the weight of the relationship alone—that’s a red flag.
2. You’re Always Walking on Eggshells
A healthy relationship allows you to be your full, authentic self. If you constantly have to monitor your words, suppress your feelings, or adjust yourself to avoid conflict, it’s not love—it’s fear.
3. They Make You Feel Replaceable
Your partner should make you feel cherished, valued, and irreplaceable. If they treat you like an option instead of a priority, if they don’t make an effort to show they care, you deserve better.
4. They Dismiss Your Needs
Every relationship involves compromise, but compromise is a two-way street. If your partner consistently ignores, belittles, or dismisses your needs while expecting you to accommodate theirs, the relationship is fundamentally one-sided.
5. You’re the Only One Trying
A relationship is a partnership, not a solo project. If you’re the only one putting in effort—initiating conversations, making plans, or trying to fix issues—it’s not a relationship; it’s emotional labor.
6. The Relationship Is Damaging Your Self-Worth
A good relationship should make you feel stronger, not weaker. If your partner makes you feel insecure, unworthy, or not good enough, that’s not love. That’s emotional neglect.
7. The Bad Outweighs the Good
Every couple has struggles, but if the moments of happiness feel like rare exceptions rather than the norm, that’s a sign of deeper issues. Love shouldn’t feel like a constant uphill battle.
8. They Show You They’re Not Afraid to Lose You
When someone truly values you, they’ll show it—not just in words, but in actions. If they’re indifferent to whether you stay or go, if they don’t try to mend things or fight for you, they’ve already made their choice.
Breaking Up Isn’t Giving Up—It’s Choosing Yourself
I know breaking up feels like failure. I know it feels like giving up on something you invested so much in. But here’s what I want you to understand:
Letting go of a toxic relationship isn’t giving up—it’s choosing yourself.
It’s choosing to no longer pour your love into someone who won’t hold it with care. It’s choosing to step away from something that’s shrinking you, rather than helping you grow.
And I get it. We hold on because we think things will change. We hold on because we remember the good times and convince ourselves they’ll come back. We hold on because we’re afraid of the unknown, because even a broken love feels safer than no love at all.
But you deserve better than breadcrumbs of affection. You deserve a love that meets you where you are, without conditions, without hesitation.
The Strength in Walking Away
Breaking up doesn’t mean you didn’t love them enough. It doesn’t mean you didn’t try hard enough. It means you finally saw your own worth—and refused to settle for less.
It means you stopped waiting for them to realize what they had.
It means you stopped hoping they’d change.
It means you chose yourself over a love that was hurting you.
And I promise you this—there’s so much life waiting for you on the other side of this. There’s peace in knowing you no longer have to fight for something that should have been freely given. There’s freedom in no longer second-guessing your worth.
And most importantly, there’s a love—one that will cherish you, respect you, and meet you halfway—waiting for you. But first, you have to make room for it.
So if you’re reading this and it resonates, if deep down you know you’re in a toxic love, consider this your sign.
You don’t have to endure love.
You don’t have to beg for love.
You don’t have to convince someone to love you the way you deserve.
You just have to choose yourself.
And when you do, you’ll realize—you were never asking for too much. You were just asking the wrong person.
Evolving The Conversation
- What are the non-negotiable aspects of a healthy relationship for you, and is your current relationship meeting those needs?
- Are you staying in the relationship out of love and fulfillment, or out of fear of change, loneliness, or guilt?
- If nothing about your partner or the relationship dynamic changed, would you still want to be in it five years from now?
- Have you communicated your concerns clearly, and has your partner shown a genuine willingness to address them and grow together?
