Ask Emma: The Science of Attraction and Why You Feel Left Behind

Hey there! Welcome back to another “Ask Emma,” where I take on your most intimate relationship questions. Today’s question is a heavy one, but also incredibly relatable for anyone who’s explored open relationships or felt left behind in their own marriage.

A new supporter reached out with a story about his 20-year marriage that’s hit a sexual dead end. After opening up the relationship, his wife has shifted her focus to others, leaving their once-loving marriage feeling more like a roommate situation. Let’s get into his story, unpack what’s happening, and figure out some ways forward!

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Mark‘s Story:
“I’ve been married for nearly 20 years, and my wife and I opened up our relationship a while ago. At first, the idea of playing separately and together sounded thrilling, especially for her. In fact I was the one that approached her with the idea! She was so excited by the attention from new men—it was a confidence boost, and I supported her. We wanted to play together and even talked about cuckold scenarios but over time, the ‘together’ part of our play faded, and our sex life dried up.

Now she focuses on other men, and our relationship feels more like roommates than partners. She told me she craves men who are bigger and can last longer—something I struggle with since I can only last about five minutes and I’d say I’m average sized. Meanwhile, I’ve found a girlfriend who fulfills the emotional and physical needs that I’ve been yearning for in my marriage. My wife seems checked out sexually, and while I still love her, I don’t know how to move forward. I want to feel desired again by her but don’t see a way back. Emma, what can I do?”

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My Response:

Oh my gosh, my heart goes out to you. First off, thank you for sharing your story with me. This kind of emotional honesty isn’t easy, but it’s the first step in figuring out what’s next for you and your wife. What you’re experiencing isn’t uncommon, especially in marriages that span decades, and it’s even more common in couples who open up their relationship. Let’s take a deep dive into what might be happening emotionally and sexually, and I’ll give you some advice that will hopefully help you find a way forward—whether that’s together or apart.

One of the first things we need to acknowledge is that relationships, especially marriages that last over a decade, rarely stay at the same level of sexual desire. It’s natural for passion to ebb and flow, for the excitement to fade and come back again. However, when you introduce new partners into the mix—especially when one partner is having more success than the other—it can shake up the balance of your relationship in unexpected ways.

Biological Wiring and the “Novelty Effect”

Our brains are wired for novelty. It’s a survival mechanism. When something new enters our lives, whether it’s a new hobby, a new job, or a new sexual partner, our brain releases a surge of dopamine. This is the same chemical that drives addiction—it’s the “feel-good” neurotransmitter that makes us crave more of whatever is giving us that hit of excitement. Your wife is likely getting a huge dopamine rush from her new lovers, especially if they fulfill her in ways she feels are missing from your sex life (like lasting longer or being physically different). It’s a confidence boost, a thrill, and it can make the stability of your long-term marriage feel less exciting or even boring by comparison.

This doesn’t mean she doesn’t love you, but it can explain why her sexual interest in you has waned while her interest in new partners has spiked. The novelty effect is powerful, and if your wife is riding that high, it can make the familiar (you) seem less exciting. You’re the constant, the dependable partner, but right now, she’s chasing the thrill of something new and let me tell you, that thrill is addictive.

Emotional Bonding vs. Carnal Desire

Women often separate emotional bonding from physical lust, even if they’re not always aware they’re doing it. In long-term relationships, especially in marriages that have lasted for decades, emotional bonds deepen over time. You become each other’s support system, the person they turn to when things get hard. But here’s the tricky part: as the emotional bond strengthens, the raw, animalistic desire will fade. This is because our brains have trouble associating family, safety and security with wild passion.

In your wife’s case, she may still feel deeply connected to you emotionally, but sexually, she’s craving something different—something more primal. This is why she may have told you she’s interested in men who are “bigger” and can “last longer.” These are physical attributes that she’s associating with sexual excitement, pleasure, and right now, her sexual focus has made a definite shift.

Right now, it sounds like you feel more like a roommate or a “maintenance man” than a romantic partner. You’re there to support her emotionally and take care of household tasks, but the sexual spark between you has dimmed. This is incredibly common in long-term marriages, especially ones where the sexual dynamic and hormonal excitement shifts due to the excitement of non-monogamy.

Midlife Crisis and Perimenopause

Let’s not forget the elephant in the room: age. You mentioned that both you and your wife are in your mid-40s. This is a stage of life where many people—both men and women—go through a bit of a crisis. Women, in particular, can feel a sense of urgency as they approach menopause. Their bodies are changing, and they may worry that they’re losing their sexual appeal. This fear can drive them to seek validation outside of their primary relationship, especially from younger or more physically ideal partners.

Your wife might be going through a phase where she’s trying to prove to herself that she’s still desirable, still sexually relevant. Unfortunately, this often comes at the expense of the long-term partner, who becomes the “safe” option while she chases excitement elsewhere.

The Friend Zone vs. The Sexual Zone

You mentioned feeling like you’re no longer part of her sex life, and that’s a tough pill to swallow. Women often categorize men into different “zones” or buckets—there’s the friend zone, where we put men who we see as purely platonic, and then there’s the sexual zone, where we place men who we feel desire for. Once you’ve been moved into the friend zone, it can be hard to climb back out, but it’s not impossible.

This brings me to something called The Ladder Theory. It’s a concept that suggests men and women have two separate “ladders” when it comes to relationships. Men generally have one ladder, where they place women they’re interested in, and those they’re not. Women, however, have two ladders—one for men they see as potential sexual partners, and one for men they see as purely friends.

Right now, it sounds like you’ve been placed on her platonic ladder, which is why she’s not showing sexual interest in you. She’s still connected to you emotionally, but she’s no longer actively associating you with sexual excitement. This is a tough spot to be in, especially in a long term committed relationship where connection and physical intimacy is so important. The good news is: there are ways to climb back over to the sexual ladder, especially if you’re willing to explore some non-traditional dynamics like cuckolding, which you’ve mentioned.

Cuckolding as a Bridge

Cuckolding is a fascinating dynamic because it allows a woman to explore sexual relationships with other men while still maintaining a connection to her primary partner. It flips the script on traditional monogamy and can reignite a woman’s desire for her husband in a completely new way.

In a cuckolding dynamic, you’re not just a passive observer—you’re an active participant, even if your role is more about submission and support than direct sexual involvement. When done right, cuckolding can strengthen the bond between you and your wife because it allows her to have her sexual needs met while still keeping you emotionally (and sometimes physically) involved.

One of the biggest benefits of cuckolding is that it turns you into an active part of her sexual experiences, rather than leaving you on the sidelines. If she sees you as a supportive partner who encourages her pleasure with other men, it can reignite her desire for you. Why? Because you’re no longer just the “safe” option—you’re the partner who she associates with thrill and most importantly, the dopamine release of sexual excitement.

Humiliation play, often part of cuckolding dynamics, can be a powerful way to rekindle sexual energy and draw you closer as partners. By leaning into the vulnerability of feeling “less than” her lover, you’re not just witnessing her desires but actively engaging with them, which can make her feel more sexually connected to you. Her control not only makes her feel in control of the situation but in control of her sexuality, control a tremendous confidence boost for any woman. This approach taps into a thrilling power exchange, where both of you break from routine roles and discover a new, raw side of your relationship that her subconscious may have come to associate only with emotional connection.

The key to making this work lies in your active participation. When you’re not just watching but assisting in her experience—helping her prepare, taking on tasks that elevate her pleasure, or handling clean-up afterward—it brings you right into her world. These roles are more than just acts of service; they’re gestures that show her you’re fully present in her pleasure, reinforcing a connection that goes beyond words. By meeting her needs both physically and emotionally, you remind her that the intimacy between you isn’t static; it’s a dynamic, evolving bond that can still spark sexual excitement and emotional depth all at once.

The Importance of Communication

Before you can jump into any new dynamics, you need to have a heart-to-heart with your wife about what you need. You’ve been married for 20 years, and that’s not something to walk away from lightly. But it also sounds like you’ve been feeling neglected, both sexually and emotionally, for a while now. If this relationship is going to survive, you both need to lay your cards on the table and be brutally honest about what you want and need moving forward.

Here are a few steps I’d recommend:

Be Specific About Your Needs: Don’t just say, “I want more sex” or “I need to feel desired.” Be clear and direct. Do you want to have sex three times a week? Do you want her to compliment your appearance or initiate physical touch more often? The clearer you can be about your needs, the easier it will be for her to understand and (hopefully) meet them.

Ask Her About Her Desires: This might be a difficult conversation, but you need to know what’s going on in her mind. Ask her why she’s no longer interested in sex with you and what she’s getting from her new partners that she feels is missing in your relationship. This will likely be a painful conversation, but it’s important to understand what’s driving her behavior.

Explore New Dynamics Together: If she’s open to it, suggest exploring new sexual dynamics together. Whether that’s cuckolding, pegging, chastity, a different room, hotel sex, car sex or whatever the latest sexual fad is, find a way to reintroduce sexual excitement into your relationship. It might feel awkward at first, but breaking the routine could be the key to getting your sex life back on track.

Therapy: This is a big one. Couples therapy, especially with a sex-positive therapist who understands non-monogamy, could help both of you navigate these complicated emotions. Therapy provides a neutral space where you can both voice your concerns without fear of judgment or immediate defensiveness.

Let Go of Your Girlfriend?

This is a tricky situation because you mentioned that your girlfriend is fulfilling needs your wife isn’t right now. While it might be comforting to have someone else who makes you feel desired and appreciated, you should ask yourself whether keeping her in your life is helping or hurting your marriage. If your goal is to repair things with your wife, continuing this relationship could create more distance between you two. On the other hand, if you and your wife have agreed to a more open or polyamorous dynamic, and you’re both okay with outside relationships, this might not be as much of an issue. However, if your girlfriend is providing emotional or physical fulfillment that you deeply crave from your wife, it may be time to either shift focus back to your marriage or consider if this arrangement truly works for all parties involved. Ultimately, you need to decide whether having a girlfriend is compatible with your long-term goals for your marriage, or if it’s preventing you from addressing the real issues at home.

When it comes to men having outside partners versus women having outside partners, the key difference lies in how each gender responds to novelty and intimacy. Women tend to experience a more intense dopamine response from new sexual encounters, which can fuel a desire for variety and excitement. This “newness” effect can sometimes eclipse the emotional connection with a long-term partner. Men, on the other hand, often form stronger bonds through consistent emotional and physical closeness, which is why their relationships with outside partners might not generate the same dopamine-driven thrill.

For men, the practice of karezza—a form of intercourse that emphasizes intimacy without orgasm—can build a deeper, more stable emotional connection. By minimizing orgasm, men avoid the dopamine spikes that come with climax, allowing them to feel more grounded in the relationship. Karezza fosters sexual dependence and intimacy, creating a bond that can be difficult to replicate with a more casual partner. This emotional closeness with their primary partner becomes a key part of their overall well-being and contentment in the relationship. This is the direction Kev and I take; with a closed door Karezza approach to his side and a more free and open door for my side of the relationship.

Given these dynamics, men need to carefully consider the role of outside sexual partners in their lives. While women may crave the excitement of novelty, men are often more emotionally tethered to the steady intimacy they have with their long-term partner. Holding on to a girlfriend might hinder the emotional reconnection needed with a wife, whereas the wife’s sexual interest in outside partners might be more about excitement and novelty rather than forming deep emotional bonds.

Should You Stay or Should You Go?

At some point, you’re going to have to ask yourself if this relationship is still serving both of you. You mentioned that your girlfriend is fulfilling your needs in a way your wife isn’t right now. If your wife is checked out sexually, and you’re finding satisfaction elsewhere, it might be time to re-evaluate what your marriage means to you. Exactly how important is a relationship where your needs are not being met by your partner?

Here are a few things to consider:

What Does Your Ideal Future Look Like? Do you want to stay married to your wife even if the sexual side of your relationship never comes back? Are you okay with maintaining separate relationships for emotional and physical fulfillment? Or do you want to feel desired by your wife again?

Is She Willing to Work on the Marriage? You can’t fix this relationship on your own. If your wife isn’t willing to meet you halfway, there’s only so much you can do. Both of you need to be invested in making this work if you want to move forward together.

What Do You Need to Be Happy? This is the most important question of all. You deserve to be happy. If staying in this marriage leaves you feeling unfulfilled and undesirable, it might be time to consider other options. But if you still love your wife and believe that you can rebuild your relationship, there’s hope.

Feeling Left Behind

Navigating a marriage where the sexual side of things has dried up and the focus has shifted to new partners is tough, but it’s not impossible to come back from. It’s clear that you love your wife and still want to make this work, but it’s also clear that you’re feeling neglected, unappreciated and undervalued. The key to moving forward—whether that’s together or apart—is brutally open, honest communication about your needs, desires, and expectations.

At the end of the day, you deserve to feel loved, desired, and appreciated in your marriage. If you’re not getting that, it’s time to have a serious conversation about what the future looks like for both of you. The strongest open relationships have a very strong sexual base and that affords the freedom to explore elsewhere. When things at home get strained, it is important to bring the focus back to your secure base.

Stay strong, keep the lines of communication open, and remember: you’re not alone in this. So many couples go through similar struggles, and many of them come out stronger on the other side. No matter what happens, you’ll find a path forward that’s right for you.