The Evolution of Intimacy: The Slippery Slope of Submission

Let’s talk about the slippery slope—yes, that slope. The one where a man starts to open up sexually to his wife about his desire to be submissive. It might begin with asking her to lead in the bedroom, maybe even bringing up the idea of her sleeping with another man. At first, it feels thrilling, taboo, new. But if you don’t keep your eyes open, you may find yourself sliding into something much deeper, much more permanent—something neither of you signed up for, and something that might subconsciously erode her desire for you.

Men are often incapable of moderation when they find something that turns them on. –Dr Sue Storm

Some of the thoughts and premises in this blog are taken from the 2022 podcast above, I highly recommend listening to Sue Storm’s podcast In Bed With Dr. Sue or her blog The Dr. Sue Review. I’d also like to thank @hansolo for recommending this particular podcast episode.

What starts as a one-off fantasy or a spicy roleplay can quickly escalate. The more the submissive side is explored, the more some men lose sight of the balance that once made their relationship thrive. A husband who once ravished his wife, who brought masculine containment and healthy dominant energy to the bedroom, slowly begins asking to be locked up, edged, denied, humiliated. Instead of leading, he wants to be led. Instead of initiating, he wants to be given permission. This is the basis of a female led relationship, taking a step back so she can lead.

If you’re not careful, that transformation can cause something devastating to happen in her subconscious: you de-escalate your worth in her erotic imagination. Female led relationships are a double edged sword, they empower women but they also change an established dynamic. Understanding and most importantly communicating those changes to ensure that any changes continue to meet both of your needs is key.

You Were a Stud—Until You Weren’t

Let’s rewind. When you met your wife or girlfriend, you probably presented yourself as a sexual dominant or at least a level of moderate to high sexual confidence. You led with your best attributes. You flirted, you initiated, you probably gave her the best sex of your life in those early months. That’s what most men do. You lead with confidence, with passion. You show up as the provider, the protector, the one who makes her melt.

But life moves on. Ten, fifteen years pass. The sex slows down. You get curious about submission, about vulnerability. And slowly, instead of taking her, you start asking to be taken. Instead of being the one who ravishes, you become the one who wants to be used. You’ve been with her long enough that you feel safe showing her your submissive side. You ask her to dominate you. Peg you. Lock you up in a chastity cage. Maybe you even want her to cuckold you.

And while you may find those experiences deeply erotic, she may be having a very different experience. The man she fell for, the man she wanted to fuck, has slowly morphed into someone she doesn’t recognize. Not sexually. Not erotically. This may all be well and good consciously but what about subconsciously, what about a level beneath the surface. The level that drives subconscious desire.

Cuckolding and the Collapse of Erotic Identity

Cuckolding, when done right, is about a woman’s sexual freedom. It’s about putting her at the center of pleasure. She is the queen. She is the chooser. She is the one who gets filled, adored, satisfied.

But here’s where it can go sideways: too many men try to turn cuckolding into a fantasy about themselves. Topping from the bottom. Their submission. Their denial. Their humiliation. And in doing so, they strip the woman of her autonomy and drown her in their needs. The fantasy that was supposed to be about empowering her becomes entirely about him.

That’s when the polarity dies. That’s when the wife sometimes begins pulling away. She sees you not as the man who can ravish her, but as the man who wants to sulk in the corner while watching another man do it. It’s not the act of cuckolding that turns her off, it’s how you’ve centered the entire fantasy around your own ego, even while pretending to give up control. For many women, the passive aggressive attempt to control a cuckold dynamic that was originally presented as a gift to her is seen as a deeply unattractive trait.

Sexually Rewiring Her Brain

Here’s the part men forget: women are sexually conditioned over time. We aren’t just thinking in the moment. Our brains work long term, we aren’t as impulse driven as men. Our attraction builds on what we’ve felt before and what we expect to feel in the future. So when you were dominant, when you initiated, when you made her feel like a desired woman, her brain built arousal pathways that connected to you.

But once those patterns shift—once you stop taking her and start asking her to take you, those arousal pathways start to erode. She may feel a strong emotional connection to you but the sexual connection to this new version of you all but shuts off.

That’s when sex becomes mechanical. Or disappears entirely. And don’t assume that she’ll leave. Many women won’t. If you’re a great dad, a supportive partner, a solid provider? She’ll stay. Sex is important, but not that important. She will retreat. She’ll compartmentalize. You will get an inauthentic version of her, the version of her that she thinks you want. She’ll find a way to be in love with you without wanting to fuck you.

Dominant Non-Sexual (DNS) and the Pussy-Free (PF) Relationships

This is when many couples drift into a dynamic that isn’t talked about enough: DNS, or Dominant Non-Sexual relationships. She’s still in charge. You’re still submissive. But the sex? It’s not part of your relationship anymore.

This might show up in soft language like “we’re just not that sexual together” or more honest terms like pussy-free relationship or pussy lite marriage. Some women become nesting partners with their husbands, emotionally close, logistically bonded, while receiving sexual satisfaction from lovers, bulls, or play partners who light their body up.

Why does this happen? Because once she becomes the sexual alpha in the relationship, and you fully take on the role of submissive support, it shifts her orientation. She may love you deeply. But you are no longer the erotic source. You are the one to be provided for. She is the one who gets filled. She seeks sexual conquest and stops seeking that which you’ve made less interesting.

For some couples, many couples. This works. It actually thrives. Especially if the man finds deep meaning in service, chastity, or supportive caregiving. But it’s not something most women expect to happen when they first fall in love with a man who rocked their world.

So if your marriage is heading this way, be honest with yourself: is she thriving erotically, or just settling? Are you living your truth, or scripting her into a dynamic she didn’t choose? Are you trying to control her sexuality or are you trying to allow yourselves to be authentic to your desires?

Healthy Ways to Explore Together

This blog isn’t a warning as much as a guide. You can explore submission, cuckolding, and female led relationships without destroying her desire. Here’s how:

Start With Her Pleasure, Not Your Kink

Ask her what makes her feel powerful, turned on, desirable. Let her write the fantasy. Find your role within her world, instead of asking her to step into yours.

Don’t Script Her Dominance

It kills the mood. If you hand her a checklist of what to say and do, you’re not empowering her, you’re bossing her around under the guise of submission. You are scripting her sexuality, teaching her that her sexuality should be an act for your pleasure. Let her explore.

Stay Sexy in Your Submission

Being submissive doesn’t mean being weak, whiny, or passive. Stay fit. Flirt. Keep your masculine edge. Present her with masculine containment. Submission should feel like a choice, not a fallback.

Make Cuckolding Truly About Her

Let her choose the bull. Let her pace the dynamic. Your role is to amplify her pleasure and present her with sexual autonomy, not control the scenes. And if she says no? You respect it. Period.

Check in Often and Without Ego

Ask her what’s working and what’s not. Be ready to recalibrate. Her erotic connection to you is not guaranteed just because you share fantasies. Stay attuned. Spend less time discussing what turns her on and more time discussing how things made her feel. Did they make her feel sexually empowered? Did they feel like work to her? How did a particular scene make her feel about you?

The Yin Yang of Female Leadership

I know this was a lot. But I’m here to tell the truth. Submission can be beautiful. FLR can be freeing. Cuckolding can be transcendent. But none of it works unless it centers her. If your view of a cuckold or female led relationship is to become a child, she will treat you like one and let me be the first to tell you that there’s nothing sexy about parenting your husband.

If your journey into submission has made her feel less wanted, less sexy, less aroused? You’re not actually submitting. You’re just consuming kink in a way that slowly pulls her out of her own body. It slowly rewires her to see you as a source of emotional connection, not sexual. You’ve pushed yourself into the friend zone.

DNS is a real, even without dominance and submission play, it is often a natural evolution for many couples as they move apart. Don’t use it as a landing pad because you’ve given up on polarity. Get there with intention and be intentional to give her the grace to make it hers.

Because when the woman leads, and the man supports with love, clarity, and erotic devotion, that is when a female led relationship becomes magic. That is when modern marriage dynamics can thrive.

Evolving the Conversation

1. Has your desire to be submissive strengthened or weakened your partner’s arousal?
2. Are you letting her write the script, or are you subtly choreographing her dominance?
3. If your sex life has shifted to DNS, is that something she chose, or something she’s tolerating?
4. What would it look like for your wife to feel like the most powerful, craved woman in the room?
5. How can you embody submission in a way that maintains sexual polarity and keeps her desire alive?